House Blogger Wanda Woodard asks:

I've heard that when girls hit puberty they tend to turn away from their mothers and turn towards their fathers. My daughter has been away from her father for 2.5 years now, and she is in the throws of puberty. Is there any validity to this theory?

Susan Epstein responds:

What you are referring to is based on Sigmund Freud's psychoanalytic theory of how girls develop their sense of femininity during their early oedipal years.

Certainly, there are psychoanalytic researchers who might agree that a girl without a father in her life might develop differently than one with a father.

However, the definitions of 'family' and 'parent' have changed drastically since Freud's writings, and children are being raised more and more by single women, single men, and same sex partners. There is more that we don't know than what we do know about father/daughter relationships and their impact on girls' development.

More important than focusing on "theory" is that you talk to your teen about the differences she is experiencing in her family. How does she feel about not having her father around? Does she miss him? How does she feel around male teachers and other men in her life? Are there other good men that she knows and respects?

What it comes down to is keeping the conversation alive and taking what you learn from your daughter and helping her fill those voids in her life.

Best regards, Susan

House Blogger Megan Thomas writes:

Is it true that it's less psychologically damaging for kids when the parents divorce when the kids are relatively young as opposed to in their teenage/early adulthood years? Or does this not have much bearing at all?

Tammy Gold responds:

I think that every situation is very different. The point about young children pertains to when they are very young, perhaps less than a year of age, and are not that aware of the familial environment. So if there is the juxtaposition of a child who is 3 months old compared to a child 10 years old, how they are affected will be very different because obviously the baby does not understand psychologically what is going on.

Older children have history and have built patterns, structures, and rituals with their parents which in turns shapes their personality. So for a child who has lived with his/her parents for a decade and built this history with them, their divorce would cause a great disruption to the child's world. This is because, for 10 years, this way of life is all the child has known.

Very young children and infants are less aware of things and therefore less traumatized during the big transition of divorce. However, once children are old enough to be aware of home and mom and dad living in the home they will be affected by the their parents separating and living apart. This is not to say, however, that divorce will not affect young babies. Babies — even babies in the womb — can react to parental stress levels. So while a young baby may not fully comprehend a divorce in relation to themselves or their life, they may feel the stress from their parents and react to that stress physically and emotionally.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, "kids aren't stupid" and they are very intuitive.  I never saw my parents fight or even raise their voices to each other, but I knew they weren't happy.  There was simply a shift in their behavior that didn't seem quite right to me.  They didn't seem quite as affectionate as before.  I noticed my dad started working longer hours than usual.  My mother started taking me on more weekend getaway trips out of town.  So what did I do when this started happening?  I asked my parents up front "What's going on?" 

Now I'm sure most kids aren't like me ... as a matter of fact, I know most kids aren't like me.  Most would probably become shy little snails, some would lash out with bad behavior and others might even try hurting themselves because they feel in some strange way that the divorce is their fault.  I never had that opportunity because of the forethought of my parents.

At an early age I got involved in the performing arts.  I started the drama club at my elementary school because I wanted to be on stage.  When my parents started the divorce process they really ramped up my involvement in performing so I was too distracted to see all the rest of the stuff that was going on in the background of my life.  As I stated in an earlier article my parents thought out everything they did concerning my upbringing and I see it more now (of course) than I did then.  They tried to keep my life as "normal" as possible and I thank them for that.  My father and mother took me to rehearsals and helped with fund raising for special events and they attended all my performances, of which there were many.  They were both really involved in my life and made me feel secure that I had a strong "family" foundation even though my parents weren't in the same home.

It is a common misconception that, following divorce, teenagers become more self-sufficient and independent. The real truth is that teens often times appear that way, and their parents see this as license to back off and give them too much space, freedom, and not enough supervision and family time. The real danger is that teens can and will deal with divorce in potentially much more self destructive ways than younger children.

Has your teen...

— isolated herself?

— stopped talking to you altogether?

— developed a "whatever" attitude?

— started skipping school and/or grades are plummeting?

— begun hiding evidence of doing drugs or alcohol?

Or...

— does he keep saying "Get the &%$# off my back, Mom?"

— has he pushed or hit someone in the house?

— is he showing signs of stress like: angry outbursts, talking back and swearing?

— is he so angry and so out of control that you are scared of him?

And do you sometimes wonder to yourself that he will turn into an ax murderer?

If this sounds like your son or daughter, you'll want to keep on reading...

What may look like independence on the outside (spending more time alone, needing you less, pushing you away or exhibiting assertive behavior) is often repressed anger waiting to explode. While being exhausted and depleted yourself during and after divorce it may be easier for you to buy into the "myth" that your teen is handling divorce okay and that this somehow will make him or her stronger person.

However, your teen is crying out for your help, supervision, and limits, and needs you now more than ever. If you aren't already, here are a few tips to prevent your teen from going down the path of self-destruction while getting closer as a family and maintaining a healthy positive connection:

The basic and average family unit consists of one maternal unit, one paternal unit, and on average two child units. This is the way children (including myself) are taught. That is what they believe to be unequivocally true along with such things as 2+2=4 and their ABC's. What divorce is, in the most stripped-down and harshest of terms, is the destruction of the basic family unit and a core belief in your child. 

Depending on age and lifestyle-based circumstances, I guess you could say that your child will be affected in millions of different ways and possibilities than the kid next door or even me. That being said, I bet you're wondering, "What about my teenager? How will s/he deal with this?" It's floating somewhere in your mind, and frankly, it's a matter of great concern.

I was a few months into my sixteenth year of life when my parents decided to get a divorce. Granted, it was more of a one-sided decision, but that's a story for another day. Right now, let's just focus on your teenager. Firstly, we know that your teen is very in tune with their family unit, they've had at least thirteen years to get used to it, and probably have become attached to it by now. We also can safely assume that they observe, and mentally note the matter that their parents have been fighting an awful lot. Well, I'm going to share with you a secret about your teen. They're afraid of a lot of things, even if under torture they would never admit it! In the back of their heads, every time a huge argument breaks out in the house is this little thought bubble that asks "What if Mom and Dad got divorced?".

Let me start out by saying I personally think my childhood was perfect. I had two loving parents who showered me with attention and affection and I never wanted for anything. I was very well taken care of and given a strong religious background that I can only thank my parents for today.

What might surprise you (now hold onto your seat)... I'm also a child of divorce. I know...how scandalous! Well, at least it was back then when my parents got divorced.

My name is Antonio Martinez, I'm 35, and when my parents divorced I was 12. Did it have an impact on me? I can honestly say, "Not that much". I was lucky. My parents didn't allow it to have a damaging impact on me. I guess I have to back up a bit and tell you a little bit about my parents.

I was what you would call an "extremely planned baby". My parents were married for years before they had me and they read every book they could on raising a well-adjusted child. So it is no shocker that they did the same when they decided to divorce.

So you might be asking now, "So how did they tell you? What did they do?" Well, actually it came in the form of a question. My mother sat me down one day when I came home for a weekend from summer camp (I went to a summer camp that lasted all summer. I was at camp for 3 weeks, come home for a weekend, then went right back to camp for another 3 weeks), I remember mom asking me, "How would you feel if when you came back from camp your father wasn't here?"

She went on to tell me that they would stay together for me if that were what I wanted. I believe she was sincere in saying that and probably would have hung in there till I was 18 and off to college if that were my choice. I looked at my mother after her short but powerful speech and said, "If it means you and dad will be happier, get the divorce, because I know you aren't happy".

Divorce is very difficult on the entire family. There can be emotional and physical strains on all members of the family, especially the children. Since divorce can be so traumatic on children, many couples try to do anything they can to shield their children from this fate. When examining the aspects of whether a couple should or should not divorce, it is important to take into account various data points regarding each particular family.

There are many reasons that some couples decide to stay together. One may be that they are able to maintain normal family relations regardless of their martial state. In this instance, the parents might believe that since their issues are not harming their children, they will continue to maintain the family dynamic until they are no longer able to do so. These particular parents have made the decision to suppress their own needs until the children are older and out of the home so there will be less traumatic events for the children.

Monetary issues also play a role in whether couples stay together or not. If the couple deems that by separating they will be in great financial distress, they may wait until the time that both parents will be stable enough on their own. These couples know that if they had to separate, both the parents and children would suffer due to the monetary loss. For example, a mother who had originally stayed at home might have to return to work. In turn, younger children might be forced into a childcare situation which would be a big change for them. Other issues would affect the children if there were monetary strains from a divorce, from large changes such as a loss of their home to even small changes such as not being able to purchase extra items such as toys.

"Are you sad because your Daddy doesn't live with us anymore?" I asked.

"No," he said. "I'm glad Dad's where he is. He yelled at me a lot when he lived with us. But when we were all there in that house..."

He stopped just as he was getting to the real problem. What my son really doesn't like is that we had to move. In the course of the divorce and its aftermath I sold our house. We couldn't afford such a big place anymore. It's something that happens in many families affected by divorce.

Selling that house broke my heart. I hated taking any of my children away from a place where they had friends and security. I hated disappointing them. As the dust settles, my children are slowly accepting this new home along with our new family dynamic. We have changed our routines and, with my husband's absence, our lives have become more peaceful. After the initial shock — of the divorce, move and gradual adjustment — my kids' grades have begun to come up and our home has less anger and blame.

Your family will slowly heal too. Hopefully, my own real-life experiences can help you get there a bit more smoothly. Take my advice:

Set realistic expectations. It's natural to be impatient at times with the slow pace of your family's recovery. But remember you are an adult. You've seen — and perhaps experienced — some of these emotions before. Though you may be going through your first divorce, no doubt you went through other breakups. You know what it is to experience deep sadness. Children don't have this kind of preparation. Remember, our situation is totally different from our kids.

Let your children grieve. They feel the loss of their family unit. Their loss of a sense of stability is at least as great as yours - perhaps greater. But whether you move out or not, your children's world is changing. It's only natural that they need lots of time to adjust.