When my friend Kate finally collected enough courage to end her 12-year marriage to Will, she was suffering all the symptoms of a victim of domestic abuse. She had panic attacks, was in a state of depression, her self-esteem was in the gutter, and her sense of reality was distorted.

In the beginning, Kate would have scoffed at the idea that she had been a victim of domestic abuse. After all, Will “had only cheated” on her. He had not laid a hand on her, yet he had managed to undermine and diminish her through his long-time affair with an old high school girlfriend.

Kate had done what many victims of infidelity do. She failed to realize that in trying to save her marriage, she had destroyed herself by not recognizing that she was as emotionally vulnerable as any abuse victim.

Why do I believe that infidelity is a form of domestic abuse? Because infidelity can be as devastating as a physical attack. Infidelity makes a spouse humiliated, hurt, and helpless. Ultimately, it is experienced as a grave loss, the death of trust. When a husband cheats, he directly attacks his wife’s sense of worth.

In coaching women who are going through divorce due to a husband’s infidelity, I’ve found there to be common characteristics with victims of domestic abuse:

• Both can become an ongoing aspect of marriage. There is a recurring cycle in which the abusive or cheating husband is repentant and the marital relationship functions well. Then there is another episode of abuse or infidelity.

• The husbands may show brief periods of guilt or remorse, but usually seem insensitive to the pain they have caused. Most will not accept responsibility for the suffering they cause.

If you feel your marriage is beyond repair, it's best to consult with an attorney sooner than later. Knowledge is power. Before you make one of the biggest life-changing decisions you and your family will ever face, get as much information as possible.

In many ways, identifying the right lawyer is like buying shoes. You wouldn't spend lavishly on the wrong sized pair. And no matter how many you try on, there's no obligation to make a purchase. With a divorce attorney, "try on" or consult with more than one — since you have no binding commitment to retain them — to find that perfect fit. Don't sacrifice style or comfort. You'll need trust and a good working relationship with your attorney, because you two will be together for the next several months.

Here are some other tips to consider before you shop for an attorney:

1. Shhh! Don't tell your spouse. Until you know your rights and obligations, keep the attorney hunt a secret. If your spouse is alerted he may stop paying bills, divert money into a personal bank account or siphon the joint funds in anticipation of divorce.

2. Family matters. If you're a mom, be sure the lawyers you consider are family law professionals. This sole focus means the needs of you and your children will be met most effectively. The attorney you choose should be able to refer you to experts in family counseling, personal finance, and other specialties to address your overall well-being. Determine how long they have been working in family or marital law. Have they written books, articles, or taught lawyers? Law firm websites usually have a biography of the attorney. If they don't, ask the attorney to provide one.

Divorce is a complicated process emotionally, legally, and financially. Thoughtful planning and patience, however, can make your decision to divorce — and the process itself — smoother.

Planning should begin from the moment you have a single notion about getting a divorce. Trust your instincts that divorce may be in the cards and begin to plan logically while you still can. Take note, for example, that much of the business of private investigators comes from spouses engaged in pre-divorce planning. Savvy divorce lawyers tell prospective clients to find out as much as possible — as early as possible — before the papers are even served. Divorce lawyers Steven Fuchs and Sharon Sooho advise women to "win" the divorce battle with the ancient Chinese tactics of strategic planning, stealth, and deception.

So put an end to your natural inclination to be a "good girl" who only wants "what is rightly mine, fair and reasonable" — because you may be in for a big surprise. Men are used to planning, and preparing for battle is the key to winning. Don't lose your divorce because you enter unprepared. Plan for your divorce and learn what is needed to get the best possible divorce outcome.

Here are five critical financial actions you should take before you even think about divorce:

1. Make copies of all financial records and statements; compile your list of assets and debts. Know where your money is and what you owe. Make a list of all institution names, account numbers, title on accounts, balances, credit lines, interest rates, type of investments, etc. Knowing exactly what is at stake financially will alleviate surprise, hasten discovery, and avoid delays later on. Find a safe place to store everything confidentially.

Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwaanza, New Year's... the holiday season endures. Hopefully, the season spurs feelings of love, sharing and gratitude. But let's face it, this is also a stressful and demanding time time of year especially if you're in the middle of a divorce.

You've got enough on your mind without trying to figure out where you'll get the energy to decorate the tree or where the money to buy gifts is going to come from. I remember my first Christmas after my ex-husband and I separated. I smiled, but all I really wanted to do was crawl into a ball and pull the covers over my head. That Christmas, I made some mistakes that sucked all the joy out of the season.

But going through that experience taught me some ways to make the season more enjoyable. Here are some tips to help you get through the holidays:

1. Simplicity is key. If you're wrapped up in negative emotions and feeling overwhelmed by legal issues your best bet is to simplify. Do this by letting go of traditions that cause you stress. Cut back on the amount of decorating you do. Don't feel pressured to attend more parties than you feel up to. Doing less can lift your spirits and your mood. Perfectly spiked eggnog helps too!

2. Don't isolate yourself. When we're feeling overwhelmed and beat up emotionally we often want to retreat — to isolate ourselves so we don't have to deal with the holiday at all. But that would be taking the easy way out — and we women aren't known for such behavior. So, no matter how powerful the urge to be alone is fight it off and share your holiday with close friends or family. Surround yourself with people who are enjoying themselves. You might just find their mood infectious.

Here’s the problem with most Christmas presents: you already have it or you don’t want it. And as soon as it’s open, you’ve already forgotten what it was. Worse if you’re the one giving the present, and you’ve just watched someone open three identical gifts, one of which was yours. Worse yet, when the ex-husband outspends you four-to-one on presents for your children.

Especially this year, throwing money around just seems wrong.

So here’s a proposal. Try coming up with Christmas and Hanukkah presents that pull people together instead of splitting them apart. That offer an experience instead of something to be dumped in the bottom of a closet, or regifted.

It takes some thinking (which is free!) and you have to know the person well. But here are some ideas for holiday gifts that keep on giving.

• The bored teenager who has everything (1)

You’ll never find the right clothes because what was in last month is now out. Electronics? You don’t even know what the kid has at this point (a lot). Instead, give an experience. For $100 you can give him or her a gift certificate for a flying lesson. Yes, in an airplane. I’ve had a great experience with Pilot Journey but you can also go to a local (ideally small) airport and just talk to an instructor. The astonishment, the worry, the preparation, the lesson itself will stretch out in memory. $100 is a lot of money, but this is a lot of experience. You only have one first flying lesson in your life. And the whole family can watch and take pictures with their cell phones.

• The bored teenager who has everything (2)

The day after Thanksgiving (known in retail as Black Friday) and the following Cyber Monday made barely a dent in our closets this year. There were no fights over designer outfits at the outlets, and trendy clothes are still sitting on 40% markdown racks at local department stores and mall boutiques.

We’re all on a clothes diet, applying the same selective attitude to fashion that we did to feasting, with stuffing, gravy, and pecan pie sitting untouched while the veggies and lean turkey got gobbled up.

Come to think of it, most women I know made it through this year’s celebratory day with a calorie counter and post-meal workout. Which means sooner or later you (or rather, we) are going to binge — it’s inevitable during the holiday season.

When you do, whether it’s double chocolate chip cookies or a pair of Current/Elliot jeans, you’ll be asking yourself, “is it worth it?” Most women say they’re desperate for a new pair of jeans but have taken a sensible, unsentimental approach to almost everything else.

Here’s my pragmatic guide to a little denim indulgence. It’s practically guilt-free.

Tell yourself:

1. Winter is really the ideal time to wear skinny jeans. They’re easy to tuck into knee-high boots, big Hunter rain boots, or Uggs. Think of them as leggings with more substance and control. In a thicker stretch denim, they work like a body shaper. Choose a medium rise, so you’re not tugging them up all day, and a very dark even-toned wash or black for ultra-slimming power. This style is where you can get away with a really low-cost jean, because what really shows is the top of thighs to knees; the rest is covered.

It used to be that opening brand name boxes — Tiffany's, Abercrombie & Finch, Ralph Lauren — would elicit oohs and ahs over the holidays. Okay, maybe they still do, but the diving economy has caused a shift in thinking, and now — hip hip hoorah — meaningful and personalized presents are the new status gifts this holiday season.

With that in mind, we have assembled a gift list that will touch the heart for $50 or less. In fact, these gifts could be considered priceless in that they hearken back to the original intention of the holidays.

1. Create a personalized photo book or calendar. Cull through all your old photo albums, slides, and memory cards and gather up some of your favorite pictures. Whether you choose one major event (wedding, birthday, trip), a shared history, or just treasured moments together, this is a wonderful present that can be appreciated for years to come.

Local retailers like Kinkos (calendar $19.99) and Ritz Camera both offer various options for creating unique pictorial presents from either digital or photo images. There are also online services like Snapfish ($18.99 for a 2009 photo calendar) that don’t even require you to leave your home, as long as you have digital images on hand. Our favorite is Apple’s iPhoto, which allows you to design glossy hard- or soft-cover photo albums with personalized captions.

You can assure your children that you will always love them and care for them, but a first Christmas post-divorce will be hard for them. A marriage lawyer in Scotland found that the holiday was one of the most contentious issues to be settled post-divorce.

"Christmas is always a problem,” Lesley-Anne Barnes said. She lectures in family law at Napier University in Edinburgh. “We would raise Christmas issues in October to try to get something in writing.”

Research by the Children's Society, a charity in England, shows that more than a quarter of children between the ages of 14 and 16 said they felt depressed, with one in ten being diagnosed with a mental health disorder. There are fears that the breakdown of marriages has led to a doubling of teenagers with emotional and behavioral problems from 1974 to 1999. And holiday season, with the stress of family get-togethers, and high expectations, can lead to an increase in behavior problems.

So you can make every effort to provide your children with the best emotional environment and a happy holiday season, but they may well be thinking of happy holidays past, and not know what to expect as children of divorce.

Below are a few suggestions on how to deal with your child’s stress during the holiday season.

Listen, Hear and Validate

Many children don’t express their concerns with a parent out of fear of upsetting her. Be sure your children know that you are available to talk, no matter what they feel the need to say. If they think that great Aunt Edna smells bad, you can assure them they won’t have to sit near her, while also cautioning them to be generous and forgiving of older people and their problems.