Weddings are always emotional. When we add divorced parents to the celebration, the day can become especially stressful, if not completely explosive.

It does not have to be!

Here’s how I handle the hundreds of marrying couples we have counseled: We enroll the parents as to their responsibility for making this a happy day for the new couple. Sure, complaints come flying at us: “my new family has to sit in the third row, my new partner is not invited, the stepfather is giving way the bride,” and more and more. We enroll the couple to carefully plan all aspects of parental participation. Any problems, and there usually are some, are brought to us and we will mediate to an outcome.

Should you be managing this on your own, here a few suggestions for success.

• First take a look at the etiquette books. They are now discussing this issue.

• All arrangements must be worked out beforehand by the couple.

• Plan, plan, plan — the three most important words before the ceremony.

• No mater how much animosity, parents must agree to be civil.

• Talk with them. Get their agreement. (Pray they will keep it).

• Make sure mom, dad, stepmother and stepfather, if you are blessed with all, are properly introduced. The younger person is always presented to the older.

• Enroll a companion (baby sitter) for each potentially disruptive parent. It could be the Best Man or the Maid of Honor. They will not be sitting at the parent’s table, but they are told to make sure the people they are assigned to are take care of. Make sure mom has someone to dance with and perhaps even greet her at the door.

Do all the negotiating and getting of agreements as far in advance as possible. Reinforce the positive.

Remember for the happy couple this is the beginning of something wonderful. But for the left spouse/parent the child’s leaving is a reminder of the divorce and loss. It’s hard.

Many people wonder about the kind of relationship, if any, they should have with step-children, “half’ siblings, and other extended young family members. Is it really necessary to have a relationship with your ex’s step-child?

In any kind of relationship there is the opportunity to build up or to tear down. So when the question arises about relationships between adults and children often more than 40 years of age apart, the issue is: If you do want to have a relationship with this child, are you capable of taking a positive stand on the child’s behalf? Are you able to relate with kindness and compassion?

A positive stand means to come from a position that allows you to believe in the best possible outcome for you both. Of course that’s not easy to do — because there are so many other more negative or primitive feelings that can come up in the adult. A threat to survival or a change in everyday routines will bring up intensely strong feelings in both adults and children. This child may have disrupted where and how you live. Whether this disruption is by accident or design doesn’t matter. That’s a very strong effect upon you.

So in order to have a full relationship with the Steps and the Halves — by marriage or by genetics — you have to be able to take a positive stand that allows for you to be kind and thoughtful to the child. Of course, sometimes the biological parent will discourage contact, but if they maintain some kind of neutrality, then the choice is yours.

This question is asked by many people in step relationships, and the questioners sometimes have their own agenda. It can be quite human to, well, not be so unhappy if your kids hate the woman who was responsible for the demise of your marriage. But is hating the step mom healthy for the kids? The answer is a resounding NO.

Hate is a very strong emotion, and not one that you want your kids to walk around with. They will be spending time with their step-mom, and surely you don’t want them to hate this time. So, here are some ideas on how to deal with this.

First, it is really unlikely that their stepmother is a hateful person. This tells me that it isn’t the person they hate but the situation of being children of divorce and having to now share their father with someone else. With this in mind, I counsel moms to talk to their kids about the situation (divorce and remarriage) being the thing that they dislike — not a person. Help them to see this and you’ve taken a big step.

The absolute best way to foster a better relationship between your kids and their stepmother is to model it. While you don’t have to be friends, there are a lot of things you can do. Ask nicely about her after they have spent some time with her. Encourage them to see the good in her — not the bad. Suggest activities they can do with her. Let them see you interact well with her. This can be over the phone, at a “drop off”, a school event. By acting nicely to her, you are giving them permission to do the same.

There is a complexity in new familial arrangements that requires adjustment from all members. Your children are stressed by the physical and psychological changes that preceded and result from their family-system reorganization. Your ex is adjusting to life with a new family.

Then there's you. Things may not have worked out as you planned. One thing is certain; life after divorce is in flux, and you don't have control over many of the changes. But there are things you can control. Attitude is one. There are, and will be, ongoing changes and negotiations you didn't count on. You are adjusting to sharing parenting roles with a person (and possibly ex-partner) who may not welcome (or may resent) your presence. You might be adjusting to having the children out of your home (and under your wing) for days, weeks, or months at a time. You may also be in the midst of deciding which battles to engage, and which to leave alone. You may find yourself feeling more possessive, and even obsessive, about your children, calling your ex's home daily to check on your kids, wondering what's going on. Resentment and frustration can build, and you may have difficulty shielding the children from your emotions.

Your blended family is a very complex and dynamic structure. Creating family memories, establishing rituals, and forging new traditions builds a foundation of support, structure, and safety.

Your goal as a parent in a blended family is to establish a safe, reliable, and consistent environment. This is the only way that everyone's individual needs can be met, which is the key to a healthy family. Especially in the early phases of blending a family, creating and practicing new behaviors builds trust and respect — the cornerstones to a successful and happy family.

Here are three steps you can take to ensure a positive and healthy dynamic in your family, which will ultimately lead to happy memories:

1. Create a family vision

A Family Vision is a template that represents the blended family's values, core beliefs, needs, and desires. Each member should write down their age-appropriate THREE wishes. Wishes can be anything from choosing the color of your room to wanting to be in charge of the family pets; the important thing is that each member needs to express his/her wishes and desires and is given permission to do this privately. Every family member needs to feel included and respected. Compile the list and create your new family vision. Post it where each member has a visual reminder to what they committed to do and what they need from their family.

2. Establish a weekly dinner

Keep to the same day and time every week. Consistency fosters reliability. Make sure every family member feels welcomed and included. Teenagers can invite their friends. Young children can bring crayons and paper to the table. Keep the dinner easy, light, and fun. The goal is to connect with each other, not discuss loaded subjects. Therefore, deal with issues like grades and chores at other times.