Weddings are always emotional. When we add divorced parents to the celebration, the day can become especially stressful, if not completely explosive.

It does not have to be!

Here’s how I handle the hundreds of marrying couples we have counseled: We enroll the parents as to their responsibility for making this a happy day for the new couple. Sure, complaints come flying at us: “my new family has to sit in the third row, my new partner is not invited, the stepfather is giving way the bride,” and more and more. We enroll the couple to carefully plan all aspects of parental participation. Any problems, and there usually are some, are brought to us and we will mediate to an outcome.

Should you be managing this on your own, here a few suggestions for success.

• First take a look at the etiquette books. They are now discussing this issue.

• All arrangements must be worked out beforehand by the couple.

• Plan, plan, plan — the three most important words before the ceremony.

• No mater how much animosity, parents must agree to be civil.

• Talk with them. Get their agreement. (Pray they will keep it).

• Make sure mom, dad, stepmother and stepfather, if you are blessed with all, are properly introduced. The younger person is always presented to the older.

• Enroll a companion (baby sitter) for each potentially disruptive parent. It could be the Best Man or the Maid of Honor. They will not be sitting at the parent’s table, but they are told to make sure the people they are assigned to are take care of. Make sure mom has someone to dance with and perhaps even greet her at the door.

Do all the negotiating and getting of agreements as far in advance as possible. Reinforce the positive.

Remember for the happy couple this is the beginning of something wonderful. But for the left spouse/parent the child’s leaving is a reminder of the divorce and loss. It’s hard.

Sometimes it's really hard being an adult. Or rather a mature adult. There are always parts of ourselves that want to act like a child and tell the ex off. But we can't do that because we love our children. And he is part of them whether we like it or not.

On milestone events, this problem is magnified. But you have to be focused and find a solution that creates peace vs. war.

Your instructions are: plan, plan, plan. Sit down with your ex prior to the graduation and agree that the important thing here is that this is a happy day for your child. And work out in advance how close the relationship is between your child and his stepmother, her parents, her siblings, even her friends. It's hard to accept that on those days when Colton isn't in your house, he has an entire world of relationships you might not know about. You therefore must find a way of asking your child which people he would like to be there. Getting tickets is another matter.

Tickets are often limited. If there are only two tickets, it makes sense that the biological parents attend, and act in concert during the ceremony. No cold shoulders, dismissive shrugs, no eye rolling. This is a day that is important to both of you. Act like it.

As for the rest of the family (and that means all those people you might not have met, on his stepmother's side), they should be entrusted with planning and executing the graduation party. Siblings might not even get tickets for the graduation, and will have to mark their time at the party house. Make it clear to them that they are not expected to be part of the diplomatic corps. But that you do have certain standards you expect of them on this day. And then spell those out.