You want the house. You know you want the house – unless it brings back too many bad memories. The question then is: Can you afford to keep it?

Well, can you not? I’m a financial advisor in Los Angeles, and I hear this question all the time. Should we sell the house and split the money? How can I possibly make the right decision?

Chin up, sister. My mentor Deborah, 71, was divorced 18 years ago and turned a $3 million dollar real estate portfolio into a $15 million dollar one.

You can too.

Let’s take a hypothetical: a couple has been married for 18 years. When they split up, they both thought they got the better deal.

The wife, who made less than half the salary of the husband, kept the $600,000 house, which had a remaining mortgage of $200,000. With taxes and insurance, her monthly payments would come to approximately $1,500, assuming a 30 year mortgage at 6.5%.

The husband, meanwhile, took something of equal value: an IRA worth $650,000.

To make their shares even, he threw in a $50,000 membership to the local country club, which she could sell if she wanted.

They split what remained in their savings account.

So who got the better deal? He got the equivalent of cash, and she was saddled with a mortgage, right?

And the membership to the country club required paying dues.

But she’s the winner.

The country club membership allowed her children to swim and learn tennis for almost nothing.

His IRA was effectively worth 25 percent to 40 percent less than its face value because all IRA distributions are taxed as ordinary income upon withdrawal.

Sure, the wife would be taxed if she sold the house, but the fed allows a $250,000 tax break on selling a primary residence if she lives in for two of the last five years.

Summer is a very expensive time for families, and divorced working moms are often caught in a very tough situation managing the summer schedule on a budget. I want my children to have the best of everything and have grossly overdone the camps, vacations, and summer eating out. This year I even found myself overdoing the summer wardrobe. I particularly wanted to get a few Izod shirts and have resisted because I just cannot pay $28 (or is is more?) for a 5 year-old's t-shirt.

So how do you plan for fun times and create special memories without racking up tons of credit card debt?

I break the summer into four chunks of time. The Memorial Day kick off, the July 4th classic, the August blowout, and the Labor Day wrap-up. I like to create excitement and celebration for each of these times, yet cannot afford to host a big party or go away. I plan well in advance a special picnic or event for each, carefully managing the expense and ease of it. At my children's age, being with their friends is what they love the most, so coordinating a picnic with a few other families is always great. The problem is many married friends of mine like to have just family outings during that time or they only invite over their groovy married friends. That one hurts a lot but it is a reality.

Thus, we divorced single moms have to put in more thought and planning for the summer than married friends. We have to find which friends are in town and which ones are open to planning with a single mom.

Truth be told, while it is important for families to spend time together, without friends it can be tricky sometimes for the divorced mom. When your kids tell you in the middle of a special day together that they are bored and want to see their friends, it can be very hard emotionally. Consequently, while we do things together, occasionally I am careful on special occasions to have affordable plans and good friends around.

About six years ago a colleague told me he was canceling his home telephone line and going to solely rely on his cell phone. I almost fainted and thought it was virtually unamerican for a person not to have a home telephone. What about the safety risks, I argued. He responded that he felt they were low because his cell phone was always by his bed and, in an earthquake or other natural disaster that we Californians must think about, land lines were as likely to go down as cell phones.

I currently have a home phone, cell phone, and work phone. I also have two email accounts. On any given day I can receive messages on each of these modern devices and I often get too tired at night to check my home phone messages.

On several occasions I have gone days without checking my home phone, and just assumed important calls would also try my cell phone. Recently I had trouble with my home phone and it has been over ten days since I have been able to get calls at home. In this time, I realize I can consolidate all of my calls to my cell and cancel my land line.

I do not feel it is a big risk and I believe the cost savings will add up over time, never mind the time saved in receiving all of my calls on one single phone. This cost saving and time saving measure might not be for everyone, but it is one I am going to try out for the remainder of the year. Home phone lines might become a thing of the past.

My dear friend and running partner is a riot. One morning we are taking our usual run and I am complaining about the air quality in Los Angeles. She has zero tolerance for complaining about things we are essentially powerless over and quips, "oh please, people are coming of age in Hanoi". It put it all in perspective.

Your divorce and life right now has to be put into perspective as well. Of course your marriage did not turn out like you expected and you are disappointed. But if you keep it in perspective you might discover you have a better situation than many.

On my down days, I never compare my life to my happily married, financially secure friends, but to my friends who never got married or who had children through donor sperm. I appreciate that my ex spends time with the children and gives me a break. Granted, he is dating and having more fun than I am, but I know that will come for me too.

All of you have something that you can be grateful for during the tough times. Focus on those things and keeps things in perspective until the feelings pass. I have a friend who was married to a successful man and had three beautiful children with him. She loved her life and felt very happy until her husband came home and said he was leaving her for his secretary. She has been very depressed and stressed out and complains a lot. I found myself feeling judgment toward her and asked her more about the marriage and divorce.

I remember sitting in a doctors reception area before I was divorced and reading an article called the Secret Perk of Being Divorced. My marriage was hanging by a thread at the time and I was very sad about the idea of having a broken family. The author was recently divorced and wrote about the wonderful feeling of having a whole weekend to herself while the kids were with their dad. Ironically, she wrote he rarely made time for the kids when they were married, but was now spending every other weekend doing everything from making pancakes to baths at night.

Something clicked in me when I read that article, and I started to focus on the ways my life would improve if my marriage failed. One of the things I looked forward to the most was more quiet time to read and journal. I also looked forward to being able to talk on the phone with my friends, and have long conversations or simply silly conversations without him wanting me to get off the phone or have judgment about what we were talking about.

When we did ultimately divorce, one thing that I was able to do again was take long workouts on Saturday morning and have long lunches with friends. I have always needed a lot of time to spend with my girlfriends and to replenish my soul in nature working out. I look forward to that time every weekend, and could not imagine my life with out it.

I often get asked if I am dating, and while I love men and miss sex a lot, I am now even more particular about the people with whom I spend time. I love my children and am so fulfilled taking care of them. I love my freedom and ability to see friends and spend time alone. I have asked myself if something is wrong with me because I have not gotten into another serious relationship or marriage in the last few years. Truth is, I love the ability to come and go with the kids as I want. I am so happy. I am not weird, just protective of my time.

With the exception of Christmas time, I generally dislike red roses. There is something about them that feels like someone is trying too hard. What is worse is day old red roses...they evoke images of old graveyards in upstate NY with Rip Van Winkle headstones. I just do not like them. Every birthday my ex sister-in-law and father-in-law send me red roses. My birthday is smack in the middle of May when all the gorgeous pale spring flowers are blooming and I long for some yellow tulips or bright pink pansies. Well, here come the half dead read roses. It is particularly painful for me because I worry about them spending that money on me, yet so appreciate it. Often it is the only set of flowers I get in Spring. I really wanted to say, "I love the flowers but I hate red roses". I held my tongue for the last few years and this year something changed...

This past birthday the box came. and I drew in a deep breath and opened the box. Inside were the most exquisite roses in white, yellow, and pale pink. I could not stop looking at them and they were the joy of my birthday week. I was able to lavish praise and thanks to my sister-in-law and father-in-law and tell them how much I love pastel flowers.

Similarly, with our ex-husbands, we can bite our tongue when they are doing something wrong, especially with the kids. Set our intention to what we would really like and then lavish praise as he gets warmer to meeting our needs. Does that make sense? People respond better to positive affirmations than criticism. Ex-husbands are the most sensitive to complaints and view it completely as nagging and a personal attack on them.

Getting what you want through legal action is very expensive; getting what you want through nagging is ineffective. Drawing out what you want through positive feedback and kind words feels great and works like a charm. Try it.

In most cases, child support does not cover even half of the costs of raising a child properly. It leaves a huge gap for the mother to fill financially, and often the child suffers while the mom is filled with resentment. School resources are so scarce that most American families today are hiring tutors and need to pay for their child's sports activities as these are cut from the school budget. The courts do not consider these costs and it leaves the mom to either live with the substandard education or scramble to get financial aid or make extra money.

Admittedly, this is one area I need help in. I am so focused on making my own money and fully disengaging from my ex financially that I never think about asking him to contribute to the kids' activities and extra curriculum. I just assume he is broke and that I am on my own.

But I am making a big mistake. In fact we have a meeting on Tuesday (just the two of us) to discuss the summer activities and the developmental activities for next school year. I am going to ask him to contribute to these activities and participate more financially in their development.

I believe it takes patience and humility to sit down with your ex and go over the details of the extra costs associated with properly raising children. Of course it will be the rare dad that jumps in and offers to pay for these with enthusiasm and joy, but it can lead to them taking a bigger interest in their development and a willingness to contribute more financially. You will not know until you try and it might take a few meetings. But even if it results in just one dad helping more, my article will have been worth it.

For those of you making even a little bit more than you need for your fixed expenses, we are going to start a gentle and sustainable saving process that will help you build an emergency fund or, better yet, an investment fun.

After a recent personal budget review, I realized that I have been systematically spending more than I am making. I have a strict "no credit card debt" policy, so I was simply going to savings each month to pay everything off and thinking the following month I would be sure to spend less and make up for extra spending the month before. After 9 months or more, my savings account is teetering on extinction.

The cost of my children's after school activities started mounting and I could not say no to many expensive private lessons and sports activities.  Add summer camp to that, a new needed sofa and computer, and you can see how quickly the costs add up.

Hopefully by now you went through your budget and determined an amount that we can take off the top every month and set aside. The strategy is to pay yourself first. In this process, I am assuming you are receiving a traditional paycheck where taxes and  401k contributions are already taken out. I am assuming you are maximizing your 401k and now we are building a personal savings account in addition to your retirement account.

The amount you save per month can be as low at $25 or as high as you can commit to month after month. The objective is for you to put this money permanently aside for a 6-month cash reserve or begin a long-term investment account.

In my first article, I discussed the importance and inevitability of developing and living with a spending plan ( budget), savings plan, and debt management plan. Now that we agree we all must have one, let's discuss each one separately and then give you the tools to prepare one for yourself.

The Spending Plan

This is really actually quite easy because you have to start by listing all of your fixed monthly expenses. Take out a piece of paper now and do that. Include everything you can think of and then total that up. At this point, I have a catch-all for miscellaneous, and that is my average credit card monthly bill. I have to be careful here because many people I know who have a spending problem stop using their credit card, but I use mine for everything because I like to get the miles and I am disciplined enough to pay it off every month.

Accumulating miles on my credit card has been a great way for me to get free airline tickets over the last 10 years. Many of my clients are choosing the credit cards that give rebates and it is important to look at each. You must, however, be able to pay them off monthly and not incur any interest charges for them to make any sense at all. Personally, I have a strict "no credit card debt" policy so I am able to charge my sundry items and some bills to my credit and get the benefit of miles. Again, you can only take advantage of the miles or rebates if you have a strict discipline of paying your credit cards off monthly and on time.

Budgets are like diets...difficult to maintain and backfire resulting in binging and rebellion. Admitting that I cannot spend like I use to or like the "Jones" immediately puts me in a place of defensiveness and determination to take a well deserved vacation or "invest" in a new summer wardrobe.

In the last 10 years we have identified in our country an obesity crisis spanning from our youngest citizens to most middle-age Americans. It was embarrassing to face, but the statistics and health problems stemming from this fact were too strong to ignore. Now we cannot look at an overweight person without having compassion and concern about their heart attack risks, diabetes and general propensity for other health problems. It is no longer simply a judgment on their appearance but a concern for the inevitable health issues that come from prolonged obesity.

The crisis emerging among Americans today is a spending and debt crisis. An over-indulgence in consumption of the material kind. So likewise, today when we have a friend or family member who is overspending or simply not preparing or saving for their old age, we worry for the long term consequences on their quality of life.

All of us know that, as we age, our metabolism slows down and watching what we eat is more important than ever. Likewise, as we age our earning capacity levels out and we have less years to save and plan for retirement. Consequently, like watching our food choices becomes more and more important as we age for health and weight reasons, a regimented savings, spending, and debt management plan becomes imperative for sound financial health.

Resign yourself to developing a sound savings, spending, and debt plan and, in my next article, I will give you the simple tools to begin your own personal one no matter where your financial situation is at this time.