If you feel your marriage is beyond repair, it's best to consult with an attorney sooner than later. Knowledge is power. Before you make one of the biggest life-changing decisions you and your family will ever face, get as much information as possible.

In many ways, identifying the right lawyer is like buying shoes. You wouldn't spend lavishly on the wrong sized pair. And no matter how many you try on, there's no obligation to make a purchase. With a divorce attorney, "try on" or consult with more than one — since you have no binding commitment to retain them — to find that perfect fit. Don't sacrifice style or comfort. You'll need trust and a good working relationship with your attorney, because you two will be together for the next several months.

Here are some other tips to consider before you shop for an attorney:

1. Shhh! Don't tell your spouse. Until you know your rights and obligations, keep the attorney hunt a secret. If your spouse is alerted he may stop paying bills, divert money into a personal bank account or siphon the joint funds in anticipation of divorce.

2. Family matters. If you're a mom, be sure the lawyers you consider are family law professionals. This sole focus means the needs of you and your children will be met most effectively. The attorney you choose should be able to refer you to experts in family counseling, personal finance, and other specialties to address your overall well-being. Determine how long they have been working in family or marital law. Have they written books, articles, or taught lawyers? Law firm websites usually have a biography of the attorney. If they don't, ask the attorney to provide one.

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Here are my answers to questions posted by firstwivesworld.com bloggers:

From Megan Thomas: I cannot afford to pay the mortgage on my own, so if I leave my husband I'll have to get a tiny apartment. Can this be used against me when it comes time to deal with custody issues?

Megan: When deciding custody issues, Courts look to what is in the best interests of the children, not who earns the most money or who can provide better housing or monetary advantages. However, if you are the primary caregiver to your children, then maybe you should stay in the marital home and seek to have the Court order your husband to move out. While the divorce is pending you can make an application to the Court to have your husband continue to pay his share of the bills or mortgage until you have worked things out. You are also entitled to your share of the equity in the marital home, so maybe you can afford to buy him out and stay there with the children, or alternatively he might agree to defer the home sale until the children are older. You may be entitled to alimony and child support which would assist you in being able to pay the mortgage. My advice is not to rush into anything without considering all the options.

From Elaina Goodman: I'd never consider taking my kids' dad out of their (almost) daily lives. We share custody, and neither of us would have it any other way. Still, I wonder even if their time is split evenly with both parents, does it benefit them for one parent (me) to have full custody i.e. decision making power?

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Children experience anxiety and anger during the divorce process. They are angry that their world is being turned upside down and anxious through feelings of abandonment, changes in living conditions, guilt, fear of the unknown. Often they worry that the divorce was in some way their fault. These feelings are normal but need to be recognized and dealt with.

Don’t expect your child to testify in Court

Courts do not want to have children testify in divorce or custody trials as to which parent they want to live with. It is unfair to put children in the middle and give them the role of deciding who they “love” more or have them take sides. Children typically want to make both parents happy. They will feel guilt afterwards for choosing one parent over the other. Courts recognize that children should have both parents in their lives, and if Custody is an issue the Court will appoint a mental health professional to interview the children and make recommendations to the Court.

The way you handle the divorce process does impact your children’s mental health.

Don’t use your child as weapon or a messenger

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During the divorce process, one of the key decisions to be made is who will look after the children and what type of custody rights both parents will have. Often, this is uncontested based on family roles (for example, one parent is the stay-at-home-caregiver while the other has been the breadwinner). Other times, it may be contested, with both parents fighting over custody. This may involve assessments by mental health professionals and the Court as to what is in the best interest of the children.

However, whether custody is uncontested or contested, you still need to know about custody arrangements, so that you properly understand any agreement you sign. The legal names may differ slightly from State to State, but there are two types of custody rights that need to be decided:

Legal Custody

Legal Custody is the right to be consulted, advised and involved in major decisions concerning the health, welfare, and education of the child (such as consent to an operation, choice of school, etc).

—Legal custody can be Sole (one parent has soledecision-making responsibility) or Joint (both parents have sharedresponsibility and a duty to consult with each other on major decisions).

—Courts favor giving legal custody to both parents unlessthere is a good reason otherwise, e.g., abandonment, incarceration, or a riskto the children.

—If legal custody is jointly held, the only downside isthat you may need to go to Court if you cannot agree on a major decision.

Physical Custody

Also known as Residential Custody, this is the right to be the primary caregiver or "every day parent" with whom the child lives.

—Physical custody can be primarily with one parent, i.e., the child lives with one parent most of the time and the other parent has parenting time on weekends/evenings.

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Whether you are in the middle of a divorce or merely thinking about one, you are certainly dealing with your share of uncertainty.

Legal matters shouldn't add to the confusion. But unless you are an attorney yourself, the professional jargon used by the lawyers involved in your case is bound to trip you up from time to time.

In this follow up to our two-part "Say What?" series, firstwivesworld helps you decipher the legal language you'll encounter in your divorce. Legal terms vary widely from state to state and so does interpretation by the courts. Don't be shy. Always ask your lawyer to clarify any word or phrase you don't understand. Legal-ese is often rooted in Latin or long-standing precedents. In other words, the terms may not mean what you think they mean.

Here, a sampling of the legal language you should know:

Discovery

This is the process in which attorneys "discover" or seek information from the other party. It can involve requests for documents and the answering of questions. It is time consuming and very expensive, since you're paying your attorney by the hour. But is an essential tool in ensuring that fair settlements are reached based on full knowledge of all the assets — such as investments, pensions, savings, property holdings — both parties have in their possession.

Equitable Distribution

This is the distribution of all the property and assets acquired during the marriage in a way that is fair to both parties. It involves the valuation and division of joint assets: including the house, pension funds, stock options, furniture and furnishings, cars and the like that were acquired during the marriage. It also involves the division of liabilities — credit card debt, mortgage and the like.

Imputation of Income

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All professionals fall into the habit of using words that only they understand; lawyers are no different. It's a product of law school. Your divorce attorney — however well-meaning — may forget at times that the legal jargon bandied about between professionals can seem like a foreign language to a lay person.

This is the first in a two-part series of "Say What?" articles to help you decipher the legal-ese you'll encounter.

As you navigate the divorce process, don't hesitate to ask "What does that mean, exactly?"— even if you think the definition seems obvious. Many times, when it comes to the law, answers are anything but simple or straightforward.

Your attorney should guide you on the legal terms that apply in your state, as well as how the court system interprets them.

Below I've provided a key sampling of the legal language you will need to know.

Alimony

This is the payment of periodic financial support. It is usually paid to maintain a lifestyle that is as close as possible to what the recipient spouse had during the marriage. Generally, the longer your marriage lasted and the more imbalanced the financial earning power was, the higher the likelihood of alimony. But remember, alimony law varies greatly by state.

Permanent Alimony

Contrary to what it implies, permanent doesn't mean forever in this case. If circumstances change — for example, ill health or retirement — it may be reduced or terminated altogether. In some states, alimony can also be rehabilitative. That means it is awarded to allow a spouse to complete education or training for a new job or career. It may also be used to reimburse a party for the support they gave the other to obtain a qualification or professional license, such as law school or medical school.

Child Support

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Over the more than 25 years that I've been practicing law, I've often been asked what a court will look at when determining a custody award.

While I can tell you that no two cases are alike, I can safely say that while state laws vary across the country, a court will generally consider the following:

1. The parents' ability to agree, communicate and cooperate in matters relating to the child.

2. The parents' willingness to accept custody and any history of unwillingness to allow visitation that is not based upon substantiated abuse.

3. The interactions and relationship of the child with its parents and siblings.

4. Any history of domestic violence.

5. The safety of the child and the safety of either parent from physical abuse by the other parent.

6. The preference of the child if the child is of sufficient age and capacity to reason so as to make an intelligent decision.

7. The needs of the child.

8. The stability of the home environment offered.

9. The quality and continuity of the child's education.

10. The fitness of the parents.

11. The geographical proximity of the parents' homes.

12. The extent and quality of the time spent with child prior to or subsequent to the separation.

13. The parents' employment responsibilities.

14. The age and number of children.

Whatever the criteria used, a court will also examine the criteria in light of "the best interests of the child". I also recommend the use of a mental health professional to appear as an expert and lend his or her professional opinion into the considerations.

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