With school back in session, the subject of homework is back on the table. Here are some examples of typical problems, especially in divorced families, and tips for how to solve them.

Sarah and Anthony have been divorced for three years and Sarah has been the primary custodial parent. It has its rewards and frustrations. Now, it’s two weeks into the school year, and Sarah has just gotten off the phone with her son’s new teacher. Sarah is beyond upset, because it is happening again. Joey, age 11, looks like he is doing his homework but somehow it doesn’t get from his school bag to the teacher’s desk. She turns to Joey and says,“You mean you forgot to hand in your homework again?” He cowers under the criticism and spits back, “Why are you always so mean?”

Let’s unpack this vignette. There is a pragmatic problem to solve as well as an emotional problem to address.

First let’s look at the pragmatic problem. Joey may have what psychologists call Executive Functioning Problems. This is when the mind has poor management of organization and priorities.

It is as if the executive secretary that is metaphorically in everyone’s head, telling you to do something or reminding you of what may be required, is asleep at her desk. Many kids with Executive Functioning Problems also have Attention Deficit Disorder and some suffer from anxiety.

Imagine all the criticism they get on a regular basis.

In divorce, these issues often become magnified because of dealing with two households and two parents who may not be on the same page.

Helpful Tips:

It is Sunday night and Janet’s kids are back home and wild as all heck. Tom, her ex-husband, just brought Allie, age 9 and Sam, age 6, home late, tired, hungry, and wired. Tom has been less than punctual all summer but now Janet is exasperated because she has to prepare the kids for school on Monday.

Janet: “You only think about yourself. The kids are out of control and they’re not ready for school.”

Tom: “What’s the big deal? We had a good time together, isn’t that what’s really important, bonding and all?

Janet: “Tom, we no longer have the leisure to just have fun. School just started two weeks ago. Don’t you realize Allie and Sam have to wake up early tomorrow?”

Analysis: Janet is correct. School is a big transition that requires a change of schedule for the adults in their lives as well. After all, your children learn best by example — and you and your ex have to provide that example.

Summer is unstructured, while school is structured. Summer is focused on fun, while the school year is an amalgam of learning, self discipline, and play (it is a balancing act). Summer provides few frustrations while school, by its nature, can give both kids and adults much to be frustrated about. Kids have to adapt to new schedules, homework, annoying classmates or demanding teachers.

Learning comes easy for some and hard for others. You want your children to center in on their studies so that they can feel competent and capable. It is up to you and your ex-spouse to provide helpful guidance to help your kids through this transition.

Three Solid Tips:

Anticipation

Anticipate the change from summer to school and shift the schedule accordingly. The kids probably need an earlier bedtime and dinner, less television and computer time and more preparation for the next day.

There is much about divorce that just seems unfair. You may be burdened financially, or you may be watching out for the kids while their father ignores his responsibilities. You may be blamed for the break-up even though you know that your spouse made the marriage a living hell.

Regardless of what is unfair, you must be willing to step up and be there for your children.

With the right attitude, focusing on the children will keep you sane and give your kids what they need in order to thrive.

Your kids deserve the best that they can get. Think of yourself as a parent who is truly responsible for your beloved children; be prepared to act that way. With this philosophy in mind, whatever comes from your ex-husband is simply an extra.

Rise above the martyr or victim role.

Alexandra, age 8, had been promised by both you and her dad that she will be getting gymnastic lessons. She was very excited. On the eve of signing up for the lessons, her dad tells you that he thinks this is "wasting" money on an 8-year-old. After all, “she is too young to learn anything important.”

As Alexandra’s mom, you have a number of choices. You can "spill the beans" about her dad. But that’s a mistake, because in this scenario, you find yourself sharing too much with an 8-year-old and thus break the Intergenerational Boundary.

It is a loss of innocence.

You can decide to tell Alexandra that both you and your ex cannot afford gymnastics for her right now. This is a reasonable approach. It protects the child’s innocence and does not set up a precedent in which your ex dumps extra financial responsibility your lap.

Consider the situation in which a woman’s ex is willing to spend money on himself, but refuses to pay his share for their 12-year-old daughter’s summer camp. He feels that, after what he thought was a miserable marriage, he is finally enjoying his freedom and that he deserves something special, in this case — buying a “great” car.

He figures his ex-wife will deal with the costs of camp. He thinks: “Look, the reality is that I just don’t have the money.”

Now mom has to deal with a disappointed girl.

Wrong:

Mom: “Dad is willing to buy himself a fancy new car but won't pay his share in order to send you to summer camp.”

Right:

Mom: “Dad and I can’t afford camp for you this year.”

Daughter: “That's not fair. All my friends are going.”

Mom: “I know you’re disappointed. We shouldn't have promised camp to you if we couldn't come through. I owe you an apology. But, the fact remains that we can't do it this year.”

Daughter: “It’s Dad isn't it. He can buy himself a new car, but won't pay for my camp.”

Mom: “This is between your Dad and myself. I just feel bad that you are so disappointed. I will do my best not to let something like this happen again.”

Joint custody agreements sometimes have a downside. These agreements document exactly who pays for this and who pays for that and what gets split — such as camp costs, tuition for school or after-school classes and the like.

Such agreements sound good on paper and, for those couples who get along, collaborating in these responsibilities only makes for a more united front and a healthier divorce. However, in those situations where self-centeredness, greed or control continues to be issues, these numerous small negotiations can be a source for power struggles.

Jennifer and Dan, a couple in their mid-30s with two kids, had a fairly amicable divorce. But Jen still has a reservoir of residual hurt because the end of their marriage was directly caused by Dan's affair.

Dan, however, is eager to move on in a friendly manner.

Scene: It is Sunday morning and Dan is scheduled to take the kids. He drives up to the family house, opens the garage door and comes into the kitchen. Jennifer is cleaning up after breakfast and the children are nearby.

Dan: Hi guys.
Jennifer (icily): Hi.
Dan: What's the problem? I'm here to pick up the kids. You don't have to be so cold.
Jennifer: Did I invite you in?!

A Lesson about Boundaries:

Do not make your home available to your ex-husband, as if he still lived there.

He can knock on the door and you can deliver the kids to him at the door.

Particularly at the beginning of the divorce process, your house must become your sacred — and safe — territory.

Your home needs to be a place of refuge and should not turn into a boundary-less arena. Letting your ex-husband come and go as he pleases can make you feel uncomfortable and anxious.

From his point of view, nothing is wrong. This was his home. He may even own half of it.

Just remember that you need your space, and that boundaries need to be set.

In years of practice I have come to discover that when boundaries are set properly - and early - it is better for all involved, including the wife, the ex-husband and the kids.

Couples do better when they have set strong limits, given how powerful the pull of emotions can be during a divorce.

"It is easier to liberalize from a conservative position than to become more conservative from a liberal position."

This maxim applies to divorce. Try being conservative initially. Both in setting boundaries with your husband and, indeed, with your kids.