When my friend Kate finally collected enough courage to end her 12-year marriage to Will, she was suffering all the symptoms of a victim of domestic abuse. She had panic attacks, was in a state of depression, her self-esteem was in the gutter, and her sense of reality was distorted.

In the beginning, Kate would have scoffed at the idea that she had been a victim of domestic abuse. After all, Will “had only cheated” on her. He had not laid a hand on her, yet he had managed to undermine and diminish her through his long-time affair with an old high school girlfriend.

Kate had done what many victims of infidelity do. She failed to realize that in trying to save her marriage, she had destroyed herself by not recognizing that she was as emotionally vulnerable as any abuse victim.

Why do I believe that infidelity is a form of domestic abuse? Because infidelity can be as devastating as a physical attack. Infidelity makes a spouse humiliated, hurt, and helpless. Ultimately, it is experienced as a grave loss, the death of trust. When a husband cheats, he directly attacks his wife’s sense of worth.

In coaching women who are going through divorce due to a husband’s infidelity, I’ve found there to be common characteristics with victims of domestic abuse:

• Both can become an ongoing aspect of marriage. There is a recurring cycle in which the abusive or cheating husband is repentant and the marital relationship functions well. Then there is another episode of abuse or infidelity.

• The husbands may show brief periods of guilt or remorse, but usually seem insensitive to the pain they have caused. Most will not accept responsibility for the suffering they cause.

Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwaanza, New Year's... the holiday season endures. Hopefully, the season spurs feelings of love, sharing and gratitude. But let's face it, this is also a stressful and demanding time time of year especially if you're in the middle of a divorce.

You've got enough on your mind without trying to figure out where you'll get the energy to decorate the tree or where the money to buy gifts is going to come from. I remember my first Christmas after my ex-husband and I separated. I smiled, but all I really wanted to do was crawl into a ball and pull the covers over my head. That Christmas, I made some mistakes that sucked all the joy out of the season.

But going through that experience taught me some ways to make the season more enjoyable. Here are some tips to help you get through the holidays:

1. Simplicity is key. If you're wrapped up in negative emotions and feeling overwhelmed by legal issues your best bet is to simplify. Do this by letting go of traditions that cause you stress. Cut back on the amount of decorating you do. Don't feel pressured to attend more parties than you feel up to. Doing less can lift your spirits and your mood. Perfectly spiked eggnog helps too!

2. Don't isolate yourself. When we're feeling overwhelmed and beat up emotionally we often want to retreat — to isolate ourselves so we don't have to deal with the holiday at all. But that would be taking the easy way out — and we women aren't known for such behavior. So, no matter how powerful the urge to be alone is fight it off and share your holiday with close friends or family. Surround yourself with people who are enjoying themselves. You might just find their mood infectious.

You can assure your children that you will always love them and care for them, but a first Christmas post-divorce will be hard for them. A marriage lawyer in Scotland found that the holiday was one of the most contentious issues to be settled post-divorce.

"Christmas is always a problem,” Lesley-Anne Barnes said. She lectures in family law at Napier University in Edinburgh. “We would raise Christmas issues in October to try to get something in writing.”

Research by the Children's Society, a charity in England, shows that more than a quarter of children between the ages of 14 and 16 said they felt depressed, with one in ten being diagnosed with a mental health disorder. There are fears that the breakdown of marriages has led to a doubling of teenagers with emotional and behavioral problems from 1974 to 1999. And holiday season, with the stress of family get-togethers, and high expectations, can lead to an increase in behavior problems.

So you can make every effort to provide your children with the best emotional environment and a happy holiday season, but they may well be thinking of happy holidays past, and not know what to expect as children of divorce.

Below are a few suggestions on how to deal with your child’s stress during the holiday season.

Listen, Hear and Validate

Many children don’t express their concerns with a parent out of fear of upsetting her. Be sure your children know that you are available to talk, no matter what they feel the need to say. If they think that great Aunt Edna smells bad, you can assure them they won’t have to sit near her, while also cautioning them to be generous and forgiving of older people and their problems.

Now that Thanksgiving has passed, we know what comes next: the big push to find (and pay for) all kinds of presents for neighbors, co-workers, the mailman, church members, and that aged aunt we haven’t seen in 30 years.

Just in time, we’ve got a great discussion going on at FWW’s social network. Money, post-divorce, can be tight and our members have gotten together to exchange gift and decorating ideas to make the holidays more affordable. I thought I would share a few of their suggestions here. For more check out “Inexpensive holiday ideas" on the network.

Gifts:

• Buy Chinese take out boxes from Smart and Final, decorate the outside with the recipient's name and some frou-frou, then put in tissue paper, half a dozen or so cookies, and the recipe.

• Decorate holiday wreaths. Take a walk and collect pinecones, spray-paint them gold or silver and put them on the wreaths. Jo-Ann Fabrics & Crafts and Michaels have great sales on ornaments to add on the wreath. Try to theme your wreaths to your friends’ or relatives’ favorite hobbies, personal style, etc.

• Do you have a great cookie, bar or brownie recipe? If so, give someone else the chance to make it. Layer the dry ingredients in a mason jar. Decorate the top with Christmas fabric, pompoms, beads and so on. Write the recipe on a cute card. All the recipient has to do is add eggs and water and voila, tasty holiday treats!

This Thanksgiving I will serve turkey and all the trimmings. It is going to be a Martha Stewart holiday complete with the perfect table setting. A centerpiece of pumpkins and shellacked gourds surrounded by smiling family members sharing gratitude for family, friends, and life in general.

The only problem is, while I’m baking the Turkey I’ll be stewing a pot of anger inside. Recent contact with my ex has left me feeling less than kind toward him. I’m positive that when my youngest shares with the family how grateful he is for the expensive jacket his father recently purchased him, I’m going to have to bite my tongue.

I would like to be able to vindictively remind my son that that nice jacket is one of the few things his father has done for him in more than five years. It would feel as if I had been internally cleansed to be able to tell my son that a decent father doesn’t tell his child, “I’ve been right here waiting for you to call me.”

Waiting for five years for his son to come to him, instead of the father coming to his son!

I’ll bite my tongue because my son doesn’t deserve the spilling forth and putting into words the ill will I feel toward his father. I won’t allow the lid off that pot of anger because to do so would only put me in a league with his father, and the last thing I desire is spreading any more hurt and pain.

Ok, I’m being a little less than honest. I wouldn’t mind seeing his father suffer some consequences. What I wouldn’t give to see him suffer just a fraction of the pain he caused his children! I will let the need to witness that go, if it means my child having peace of mind and a happy Thanksgiving.

The emotion most prevalent during my separation and divorce was anxiety. I remember spending the better part of a year feeling I was shaking in my boots.

My ex and I separated in January and the divorce was final in September. By the time that first holiday season rolled around, post divorce, the anxiety had lessened but I wasn’t looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas. Especially as a divorced parent dealing with a less-than-civil ex-husband.

I could feel the knot of anxiety tightening and knew I had to come up with ways to reduce it during that first holiday season as a divorced woman and mother. Just as I had begun to learn how to deal with my post-divorce emotions, I found myself feeling overwhelmed again.

Below are four tips for reducing divorce anxiety during the holidays:

Identify Fears and Deal With Them

Domestic abuse does not have to be physical to be experienced as abuse. Abuse can include belittling a woman, keeping her on a very tight leash financially, limiting her movements outside of the house, filling the house with fear. A Canadian study found that 79 percent of marriages with serious abuse end in divorce.

The first step in dealing with abuse is recognizing it. But action must be taken. Here are some sources of information:

• National Domestic Abuse Hotline

• Domestic Abuse Awareness Handbook

• State Coalition List

• Domestic Abuse Shelters

• Domestic Abuse Victims Rights

Escaping Domestic Abuse:

If you or someone you know are living in an abusive relationship, and there is a chance of danger, the important thing is being ready and able to leave. Leaving isn’t an easy decision to make, I understand that. If you are decide to stay in a relationship, but think you might have to flee some day for safety’s sake, keep a survival kit ready.

Look up the addresses of the nearest women’s shelters or motels, so you know you will have a place to go. And make sure you have the following items with you:

• Money for cab fare

• A change of clothes

• Extra house and car keys

• Birth certificates

• Driver’s license or passport

• Medications and copies of prescriptions

• Insurance information

• Checkbook

• Credit cards

If you think you know of an abusive husband or partner, look over the questions below. Not all abuse involves hitting or threats of physical violence. Recognizing the warning signs and symptoms of domestic abuse is the first step in helping the abused.

Remember that someone who is scared, denied access to money, or put down is being abused as well. This may apply to you, your mother, your sister, a friend, your child.

The questions are courtesy of the National Coalition Against Domestic Abuse.

Does someone...

• Embarrass or make fun of her in front of her friends or family?

• Put down her accomplishments or goals?

• Make her feel like she is unable to make decisions?

• Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?

• Tell her that she is nothing without them?

• Treat her roughly – grab, push, pinch, shove or hit her?

• Call her several times a night or show up to make sure she is where she said she would be?

• Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing her?

• Blame her for how he feels or acts?

• Pressure her sexually for things she isn’t ready for?

• Make her feel trapped, like there "is no way out" of the relationship?

• Prevent her from doing things she wants – like spending time with her friends or family?

• Try to keep her from leaving after a fight, or leave her somewhere after a fight to "teach her a lesson"?

Does she…

• Sometimes feel scared of how her partner will act?

• Constantly make excuses to other people for her partner's behavior?

• Believe that she can help her partner change if only she could change something about herself?

• Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make her partner angry?

Domestic abuse is about control and power, usually a man getting and keeping control and power over a woman. To simplify it, someone who commits domestic abuse is a control freak, and for the sake of argument, we are going to use the pronoun “he.” An abuser can’t feel good about himself unless he feels he is in total control of a woman and the relationship.

The abuser will use physical violence, threats of physical violence, isolation, yelling, screaming, and emotional, sexual or financial abuse to attempt to control his wife and in return control the relationship. He will leave both physical and emotional scars as he tried to remain in control and stave off the feeling of his wife being out of his control. And as the economy gets worse, and recession sets in, and jobs are lost, and income falls… the more an abuser takes out his feelings of helplessness on his wife.

Victims of Domestic Abuse

Domestic abuse happens to women of all ages, races and religions. Her economic or professional status is not an indicator of whether or not she will one day be a victim of domestic abuse. Domestic abuse occurs in the poorest neighbor and the priciest mansions.

Nearly 95 percent of domestic abuse victims are women. Over 50 percent of all women will experience domestic abuse in a love relationship and, for 24 to 30 percent of these women, the abuse happens regularly and over a long period.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Abuse, every 15 seconds a man or a woman becomes a victim of abuse. An abuser may seem gentle, loving, and kind to begin with. A woman might start a relationship thinking she had met her soul-mate, only to discover her mate had no soul at all.

In my last article, I discussed legal separation and the benefits to a couple that feel they need time away from a marriage. I strongly suggest anyone making the decision to live separately protect herself legally.

If it all seems overwhelming and that word “legal” is too much to handle, you do have the option of trying a simple, trial separation. A trial separation allows you to experience time away from the marriage without making any final decisions or legal steps toward divorce. That, of course, makes it easier to reverse than a legal separation.

A trial separation is an informal arrangement that you come to with your husband. You work out the guidelines and come to an agreement that you both can live with. There need to be ground rules and you need to understand that if those rules aren’t followed, you have no legal recourse against your husband. Below is a list of issues you will want to think about as part of an informal trial separation agreement:

1. Who will move out? Not only will you need to decide who will move out but, where they will move to and when. There should also be a time limit set. A trial separation should not be an open-ended way of life. Set a time limit and after that period passes either file for divorce or move back home.

2. With whom will the children live? Not only do you have to decide which parent the child will live with, you have to decide what role each parent will play in raising the children and responsibilities that come along with raising the children.