Julie Savard writes:

What if you're in an abusive relationship and you need to get out... but you can't bring your kids? Should you stay? Should you leave them behind if you know they're safe?

Dr. Amy J.L. Baker responds:

I am very sorry that you are in an abusive relationship and want to applaud the fact that you are willing to admit it. This is no small feat. Some abused people have a very hard time seeing the abuse for what it is. At the same time, I want to challenge your notions that (A) your children are safe and that (B) you cannot get your children out. Victims of domestic violence and emotional abuse often have distorted thinking, which reinforces the false ideas and misguided objectives of the abuser. In this case the abuser probably wants you to believe that your children are safe and that you cannot get them out. You should be seriously rethinking both of these notions.

First, if the other parent is abusive to you, then s/he is probably abusive to your children as well. That abuse may not take a physical form; but research shows that emotional abuse (spurning, isolating, terrorizing, exploiting, and denying emotional responsiveness) can be as painful and damaging as physical abuse. It is possible that you are not being completely honest with yourself about the real danger that your children are in. Perhaps that would be too painful a reality to admit or perhaps you feel that the situation is so hopeless that you have already resigned yourself to the fact that you cannot get them out so you are trying to convince yourself that this option is not so bad. So, your first step is to reexamine this premise and think through what the reality is like for your children. Are there trusted adults in your life with whom you can discuss your situation and get some feedback? Do they agree that your children are safe?

As a newly separating/divorcing mom, a prime objective is to create a parenting plan/custody arrangement that works for you and your children. As long as your ex is not abusive and shows any interest at all in parenting/co-parenting, your children will spend some time with their father and away from you.

You will probably spend more time away from your children than ever before. The truth is, most children need both parents in their lives. Most likely you will have to share your child with the one person in the world you now know you cannot live with and/or who does not want to live with you. This will not be easy.

Here are some other truths to consider as you begin to think about what kind of parenting plan you want:

TRUTH: Your children's needs will change as they mature, while the parenting plan will probably remain fixed — it is very costly to return to court and revise the plan — so be careful what you agree to now.

TRUTH: Information is available on the Internet and in bookstores to help you become educated about the laws in your state and about different parenting plan options that might work for you.

TRUTH: Most custody arrangements are decided by the parents or as a result of mediation, not in formal court hearings. Make sure that if you go this route, it is because you honestly believe that the plan you and your ex have agreed to is workable, not because you have been bullied or manipulated into signing it.

TRUTH: If your case does involve a custody hearing, be prepared to spend tens of thousands of dollars on legal and other professional fees. Also be prepared for unreasonable delays, unfair costs, and other frustrations and discouraging experiences.

First, as a newly separating mom, you have three concerns that must be balanced: (1) making things as easy as possible for the children, (2) establishing a collaborative post-marital relationship with your ex, and (3) protecting your parenting rights. A good rule of thumb is to not make any big decisions without consulting with your attorney. Make sure that you understand under what circumstances your temporary parenting arrangements during this transition time may become set in stone for the long-term. What you want to avoid is agreeing to an arrangement because your kids are begging you or your ex is pressuring you (imagine that your ex encouraged your children to ask you whether he could take them for a week to Disney World), only to find out later that you have created a precedent for a parenting arrangement that you do not believe is in the best interest of your children.

The second balancing act is between providing your children with consistency in their relationships and activities while being flexible enough to meet their changing needs as they adjust to the enormous upheaval in their lives. There will be times when it is more important that they go to that soccer game because they have a commitment to the team while other times it may be more important for an impromptu ice cream outing with Dad to reassure them that he still loves them and will be in their lives. You must trust that you know your kids and can tell one situation from the other. You need to let them know that this may be a difficult time for them and they may have more complicated feelings than usual but, at the same time, you expect them to fulfill their obligations and function to the best of their ability.

Parental alienation can feel like a hopeless situation. When you find yourself cut off from your child because of your ex's manipluation, you can't help but wonder: "Will I ever reunite with my ‘lost' child?"

Don't despair. You can regain a loving relationship with your child. In this second installment of our exclusive firstwivesword series on parental alienation, you'll get tools to navigate this challenging process.

Your patience and understanding will help your child see what is going on — eventually. In the meantime, you have to be strong and persistent. That doesn't mean simply waiting for that magical "a-ha" moment. Take these important steps:

Don't take the bait. Your child may often come to you filled with accusations and anger. If you try to debate every petty flare up, you will only fuel the contentious flames. Avoid small battles and focus on building memorable moments together. If your child levels serious charges that you can counter — proof, for example, that you didn't steal the college fund — offer to show him documentation, but ONLY if you are asked.

Hold yourself to the highest standard of conduct. Manage your anger. Pay your bills. And follow the law. Don't give your ex anything that can be used against you by either your kids or the courts. Imagine that you are being videotaped and behave accordingly. Sure, it's unfair that your ex gets to bend — even break — the rules and still receive your child's glowing praises. But you need to focus on your ultimate goal: A loving and healthy relationship with your child.

Your former spouse may be turning your child against you. Known as parental alienation or parental alienation syndrome, simply put it means your ex is manipulating and pressuring your kid to reject you.

Part 2 of this series will give you the tools to recapture your healthy relationship with your child. But first you need to arm yourself with knowledge. How does parental alienation work and how to do you spot it?

Typically, your child's pattern of rejection results when your ex engages in destructive acts such as:

•Speaking poorly of you

•Limiting contact with you

•Interfering with communication between you and your child

•Emotionally punishing your child for expressing anything positive about you

•Telling your child that you do not love him or her

Parental alienation occurs often, but not always, in the context of divorce and custody battles. No one knows how many children are exposed to parental alienation or show signs of the parental alienation syndrome, but we do know that it can happen to mothers as well as fathers, to custodial parents as well as non-custodial parents and to kids as young as toddlers or as old as teens. It is marked by sudden changes in your child's interactions with you and you'll see new personality traits begin to emerge. Here are some attitudes and behaviors to watch for: