A child's teen years are like a mid-life crisis. He wants autonomy, yet craves acceptance. Add divorce and this emotional rollercoaster gets even bumpier.

This last chapter of our exclusive firstwivesworld series, Your Child is Not a Statistic, will help you balance your 13- to 17-year-old's kid-like needs and adult aspirations. Remember, although it will seem far from obvious at times, your teen still need his parents — he just needs you differently. When your teenager experiences divorce, you play a significant role in how she deals with it. No matter how mature she seems, you should:

•Resist any temptation to regard her as a grown up and include her in your adult problems.

•Know that most teens — 71% according to a Gallup poll — believe their parents should have tried harder to save their marriage.

•Understand that teenagers will likely not only take sides, but try to exploit their parents' weaknesses.

•Be on the lookout for hidden signs of withdrawal and depression.

Here are some tips that can make it easier to explain divorce to your 13- to 17-year-old:

What is divorce?

"Divorce is a legal process that parents go through when they no longer want to be married because they are no longer happy together anymore and have hurt each other too much. It means that we will no longer be married to each other, but we will always be your parents."

Why did it happen?

Some possibilities include:

"There are many reasons why. And it's not the specific items we argued about, but the whole way we approached things. You may have heard us argue about [fill in the blank]. But those weren't the real problems. Many couples don't see eye to eye. But it's all about the attitude you take toward one another, especially when you disagree."

Anger gives a child experiencing divorce a sense of control. Since it is a more assertive response than crying to mommy — children between 9 and 12 see anger as a grown-up way of handling their emotions. You will learn in this, the fourth installment of our firstwivesworld exclusive series Your Child is Not a Statistic, that this phase of your child's development — where his maturity is beyond that of a little kid, but not quite a teen — is probably more complex than you could imagine.

At this stage, kids usually also try to detach themselves from the family and may appear ambivalent about the divorce. Don't be fooled. Both the anger and seeming lack of interest are defense mechanisms.

Preadolescents do have an increased understanding of relationships. But, in most cases, their emotional capacity to deal is still quite limited. So when you talk about your divorce, expect your 9- to 12-year-old to:

• •See it in strict black-and-white terms and want to lay blame squarely on one of her parents.
• •View the divorce as a rejection of him personally.
• •Push you to treat her like an "adult," asking for detailed information about the failure of the relationship.

Here's what you can say when you explain the divorce to your 9- to 12-year-old:

What is divorce?

"Divorce is a legal process that parents go through when they no longer want to be married because they are very sad together and cannot find ways to be happy together anymore. It means that we will no longer be married to each other, but we will always be your parents."

Why did it happen?

Some possibilities include:

Part Three of our firstwivesworld exclusive series — Your Child is Not a Statistic — will help you, not only explain the divorce to kids from six to eight, but understand how they might deal with the news.

The way talk of classmates and playground pals pepper your child's every conversation, it is clear that his world is no longer dominated by you — his parents. School life and peer groups have become a major preoccupation. And at this point, she is truly a social being. She cares deeply about fitting in, craves friendships and wants to be liked. On the other hand, six- to eight-year-olds still define their self-image through their parents.

Divorce usually brings on overwhelming sadness for kids at this age. But they are learning — for the first time in their lives — how to disguise and deflect their true feelings. You may see signs of displaced anger, such as lashing out at a sibling or friend. And very often, children at this age may even seem to carry on as though nothing at all is bothering them.

If your child's response to the divorce seems "too good to be true," rest assured; it is. Be on the look out for signs of:

•Withdrawal

•Depression

•Denial

A six- to eight-year-old is often consumed with guilt when his parents divorce and holds fast to the notion that you two will get back together. When you talk about the divorce, make sure your child understands:

•Nothing she did, said or felt caused the divorce.

•It's okay to wish your mother/father and I will reunite, but it won't happen; we really tried, but it can't work.

•He'll see both of you.

•Many kids' parents get divorced.

•You understand the changes he is going through.

When a toddler is pondering the moon and the stars, the endless stream of "Why's" is cute and joy-filled. A little one who is struggling to understand divorce? Not so much.

For kids and parents alike, the confusion is sad and frustrating.

In this second installment of our exclusive firstwivesworld series, Your Child is Not a Statistic, you will learn how to tell young children about your divorce. It's not easy. As you have no doubt noticed, everyday your preschooler seems to make huge strides in development — physically, emotionally and intellectually.

Your youngster's imagination knows no bounds. In his mind, a stick is as valuable as a $20 bill, an empty cardboard box as delightful as the shiny toy it once housed. At this stage, a little kid's mission is to feel independent; she is just beginning to establish a clear sense of herself.

You will see some signs of empathy, but up until age five or so young kids are largely self-centered — consumed with their own needs and wants. It's a perfectly normal stage. Ever try to scold a four-year-old for behaving as though the world revolves around him? In his young mind, it truly does.

That's why when parents break up, preschoolers actually believe they are the force behind it. You must make sure your preschooler understands:

• •The divorce is not their fault.
• •She will always be safe.
• •It's okay to feel sad.
• •He can love and maintain contact with both his parents.
• •You will always be there for him.

Misplaced guilt, denial, fear — all common feelings for young children who experience divorce — can be minimized through an explanation of your divorce that is honest, direct and pint-sized.

Here's how you can begin talking to your preschooler about your breakup:

What is divorce?

Naturally you want the best for them. You may be asking yourself, "What will this do to him?" Now more than ever you want to give your child everything he needs to feel your love, support and guidance. Yet suddenly everything about your family seems to have grown more difficult and complicated. It all begins with communication.

This exclusive four-part series on firstwivesworld will make talking to your children about the divorce easier than you could ever imagine. Each week, age-appropriate excerpts from my book Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way will give you the language to use, whether your child is a toddler or teen. The approach is based on a program — now mandated in family courts nationwide — that I created to help children of divorce. I chose the name Sandcastles, because I visualize the image of a child molding a new "home" of sand to replace the old one that turbulent waters swept away. This is a mission every child who has experienced divorce must complete in order to heal and flourish emotionally.

Don't be discouraged. You certainly will face challenges, but you also have a huge opportunity to guide your child through your divorce in a way that will help them to feel loved and supported. First, you must understand these truths: