"Please remember you deserve your own happiness. Sometimes we have to hurt others in the process, but ultimately this is your life to live. Do what you need to do for yourself, while remaining true to who you are. (((hugs)))"
It’s easy to get lost in a marriage, even when you know it’s not working anymore, because you just get in the habit of being married. I think Paul Simon had it right when he sang, “You’re just a habit, like saccharine” and when I heard this lyric the other day it really got me thinking. At the end, when I broke all ties and dropped my husband like the bad habit he was, I thought that would be that. But it seems old habits really do die hard and as I stop and think it over, I’ve come to realize that I’m habitually hanging on to several of them and I don’t like it one bit.
I’m still in the habit of feeling blue on gray days which I never did before I met him. And I’m still in the habit of planning an early exit strategy from parties which was his M.O. no matter the occasion. The difference now is that I am usually among the last to leave rather than the first, but it still bothers me that even the ghost of this tendency has somehow stuck to me.
I didn't get married until I was 38. It was my first and so far only marriage, and I kind of felt that I should have known what I was doing by then. You know, career first, marriage and kids, second. Stinky was 35, and it was his first marriage as well.
For two grown-ups we certainly managed to make a big old mess of things — so much for maturity with age.
Of course, in Northeast Louisiana, I found that most women who were my age had teenagers and some were already grandmothers. So, when I also became pregnant for the first time at 38, I was definitely considered an odd bird.
However, the advantages to marrying "late," so to speak, are many. If you've been alone, you've learned how to handle a car jack and can change a tire in under 30 minutes. If you've been alone for the first 15 years of your professional career, you've learned how to rent moving trucks, how to pack like a pro, and how to drive a 26-foot U-Haul van pulling your car behind it.
You have repaired a leaky faucet, unclogged a bathtub drain, and replaced various and sundry household fixtures and appliance parts. You've had to be self-sufficient.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, I had met someone on match.com, and things were going along pretty well with M and myself. I was amazed at how much we had in common. We both liked sauerkraut on our hot dogs and anchovies on our pizzas. I felt like from there we were pretty much home free. We had found our soul mates! I mean really, how weird is it to find someone who likes anchovies on their pizza? A lot of Domino's don't even offer anchovies on their pizzas. So...obviously we were meant to be together and nothing could stop us now. Except the following conversation:
Me: So do you have any pets?
M: When I was married we had a cat.
Me: Did you ever have any dogs?
M: No, I'm not a dog person. I mean everyone I know who has a dog starts a conversation with "I know he sometimes poops in the house and tears up my shoes, but he's really a great dog." I just don't get it. The ****, the hair the slobber...yuck.
My divorce decree was signed, sealed and delivered several years ago. But despite what the paperwork said, understanding what it really meant to be divorced took much longer than I had thought it would.
At first, I didn’t know what to feel. I was pissed-off, hurt, resentful, scared and elated all at once, and this heady mix of emotions had a way of popping in and out at will like the seven Faces of Eve or Sybil’s many personalities on a really bad hair day. It was crazy making, to say the least but having no experience in being a divorcee or a woman suffering from severe personality disorder, I went with the maelstrom that ruled those first weeks and months post-divorce. Honestly, it was all I could do to hold on to my sanity for dear life and hope that time would take care of the rest.
I knew it would take me a year to feel myself again, and it’s been almost exactly that. I feel happy. I feel relieved. I’ve been released from his darkness and now live in my light. I’m single with no immediate plans to change that, and I’m completely content. I still feel a little lonely and miss having a companion, but what I’ve gained is well worth that sacrifice. He took away my “sparkle”, my joy, my love of life, and now I have it back.
I wanted to share some words of wisdom that helped me so much. These things I read and they all resonated with me and helped me heal:
The season of change is here. Yes, a new year brings so many thoughts to mind. You review all of the challenges you faced. You review the hurt, heartache and pain you endured. Perhaps your season started as a gentle rain which turned into a thunderstorm. Maybe you woke up one day to a blizzard that changed your life without notice. Perhaps the tornado of life blew the roof off of everything you built over the years. What will make this season different. Perhaps you are spending the cliff of this season in church listening to the final message of the year. You may be sitting in a room full of family and friends who see you smiling brightly from the outside, but have no idea of the existing torment that just won’t go away. Maybe you are sitting at home waiting for the ball to drop and praying for a new season to enter your life.
We’re a breath away from a New Year; one hour and 57 minutes of breathing to be exact. But who’s counting? As I take stock of the year that’s taking its final bow, I have to say that I have come a long way in the healing post-divorce process. At times I still got caught up in the recriminations and resentments that are part and parcel of that process, and although they’ve lingered longer than I would have liked, I’m ready to see them exit the building. It’s been a bit like watching a sunset as you drive East through two time zones: you know it will set eventually but it just seems to go on and on and on. And when you finally get to the place where the sun dips behind the horizon, you know a cycle has been completed and you can breathe a sigh of relief.
