Children usually let you know their feelings through actions, not words. This is especially true in response to a complex situation like divorce. Kids may express themselves through problem behaviors that don't seem connected to the divorce at all. 

In the second installment of our exclusive firstwivesworld series, Divorce Through a Child's Eyes, you'll learn to spot the signs that your child is hurting from the divorce. What are the behavior patterns? And how can you connect the dots and respond to the problems effectively? Here are the most common ways kids act out — more importanly, why and what you can about it:

SELFISHNESS

Many mothers notice that their children seem more self-involved after the divorce. Children sometimes act cynical and thoughtless — everything is "Me Me Me!"

The feelings behind it: Children enter the world feeling like the center of the universe — as if all of human history culminated in Mommy and Daddy meeting and having ME! As they mature, children gradually grow out of this self-centered worldview. But divorce is a sharp blow — forcing children to face the harsh reality, often before they're emotionally ready to deal with it.

How you can respond: You may feel like saying, "You're not the center of the universe, you know!" But that's precisely the problem. She's feeling marginalized and insignificant. Demonstrate that your love for her is, in fact, the center of your world — with a wink, a gesture or a hug — not a long lecture. That affection will help give her the reassurance she needs.   

LACK OF AMBITION

Is your child bringing home poor grades or slacking off in certain areas? You may note that he seems discouraged and sad, or perhaps more invested in social activities than schoolwork.

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Caring mothers do everything possible to protect their children from being hurt by divorce. But it is inevitable that your children will experience the divorce very differently than the way that you experience it. Remember, it is not your job to make your children feel cheerful about the divorce, or to convince them that the divorce was a wise decision. Just listening to your child's complaints means a great deal.

In this exclusive firstwivesworld series, you will learn to see the divorce from your child's perspective. Part Two of this series will discuss some of the outward signs that indicate a youngster may be reacting to the pain of divorce.  For now, just be aware that children must work through issues on their own timetables.

Your mission is to find a balance between tolerating your child's point of view without judgment, and empathetically offering your own. A good way to help your children with the process of mourning is by responding to their expressions of loss with understanding.

What are some of the typical ways that divorce can be painful for children?

The loss of the everyday. Children derive their sense of security — and often, their personal identity — from everyday routine. When he leaves "the old house," with the old school, the old neighborhood, pets and other attachments, a child may feel stripped of everything that has been meaningful in life. Your enthusiasm for a fresh start after the divorce can be in sharp contrast to your child's feeling of powerlessness.

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A divorce rattles the foundations of every woman's sense of stability. Well-laid plans that just yesterday made perfect sense no longer make any sense at all. And to top it all off, those kids! Children have a talent, it would seem, for acting up and giving you added stress — just at the moment you need them to be mature, helpful and their "best selves."

As a mother it's your nature to respect your child's perspective; this is the most powerful emotion on earth. But when you're anxious, stressed and demoralized, this innate capacity is temporarily weakened. The tendency to be irritable, cross, impatient, scornful or demanding with the child is very strong. Giving in to this temptation at moments of pain is only human

So how can you deal with your child at these classic moments? Realize that the very fact that she is acting up is a strong sign that your child's is not feeling understood. Count to 10. Splash cool water on your face or scream into a pillow during these times. Then put the divorce and all of its ramifications into the background. And tell yourself: "MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY CHILD TAKES CENTER STAGE." Focus on your child by creating opportunities to truly hear her. Here's how:

Make time for sharing. Unhurried, unstructured, tender discussions don't have a chance to develop in a hectic schedule. Find an inviting window to a warm, comfy conversation with your child at mealtimes, during long walks or car rides. Listen carefully to your children when they first burst through the door after school. And remember, too, that the classic setting for children to open their hearts to their mothers is during bedtime and that kiss goodnight. Whenever and wherever your child seems ready to open up, put down the task at hand if possible and lend your ear.

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