House Blogger Wanda Woodard asks:

I've heard that when girls hit puberty they tend to turn away from their mothers and turn towards their fathers. My daughter has been away from her father for 2.5 years now, and she is in the throws of puberty. Is there any validity to this theory?

Susan Epstein responds:

What you are referring to is based on Sigmund Freud's psychoanalytic theory of how girls develop their sense of femininity during their early oedipal years.

Certainly, there are psychoanalytic researchers who might agree that a girl without a father in her life might develop differently than one with a father.

However, the definitions of 'family' and 'parent' have changed drastically since Freud's writings, and children are being raised more and more by single women, single men, and same sex partners. There is more that we don't know than what we do know about father/daughter relationships and their impact on girls' development.

More important than focusing on "theory" is that you talk to your teen about the differences she is experiencing in her family. How does she feel about not having her father around? Does she miss him? How does she feel around male teachers and other men in her life? Are there other good men that she knows and respects?

What it comes down to is keeping the conversation alive and taking what you learn from your daughter and helping her fill those voids in her life.

Best regards, Susan

"Anonymous" writes:

It's important to me that I respect my son enough to not pull the typical "You'll understand when you're older" on the topic of my divorce. At the same time, he's not stupid. He knows we split up for a reason and he has a right to know about those reasons. Any tips for explaining the reasons for the split honestly without trashing his dad?

Dr. Scott Haltzman responds:

The answer to your question depends, in part, on how old your son is and, in part, on what you mean by "the reasons." If your son is not yet school age, then the simpler the explanation the better. As a child ages, he can understand more of the world. As a teen, he begins to understand more about relationships, and more about his own role as a man in society. If that's the case, he deserves a more complete picture of the cause for the divorce.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say your son has a "right to know." There are many things that your children have a right to know that you can choose not tell them — how much money you have in the bank is one example. As a parent, it's your decision whether or not you share information. If the reason you split is because your ex is involved in something that is public knowledge (arraigned on embezzlement charges, in prison for domestic violence, living with another woman, got a sex change operation, and the like) then your son is sure to find out, and, if his dad doesn't tell him, then you might have to. But if your husband's problems are more private, then your son doesn't need to learn the details from you.

House Blogger Faith Eggers asks:

My son is 16 months old and has only seen his father once. Although he isn't aware of it now, I'm wondering if there will be any long-term effects from the lack of relationship his father has with him.

Marsha Temlock responds:

It is difficult to know the long-term effects on your son. however, you can provide him with good male role models while he is growing up, Perhaps an uncle, good friend, grandfather, teacher or mentor (there are many such programs) can fill the bill. Many children today are raised by single parents, often women. If you need advice, contact a single parenting group. They typically have events that include children. It is much easier today to raise children when one parent is absent which is not to say that there aren't challenges. Judith Wallerstein, Ph.D. is an author you might turn to. She has done a lot of excellent research about children of divorce.

Good Luck.

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Julie Savard writes:

What if you're in an abusive relationship and you need to get out... but you can't bring your kids? Should you stay? Should you leave them behind if you know they're safe?

Dr. Amy J.L. Baker responds:

I am very sorry that you are in an abusive relationship and want to applaud the fact that you are willing to admit it. This is no small feat. Some abused people have a very hard time seeing the abuse for what it is. At the same time, I want to challenge your notions that (A) your children are safe and that (B) you cannot get your children out. Victims of domestic violence and emotional abuse often have distorted thinking, which reinforces the false ideas and misguided objectives of the abuser. In this case the abuser probably wants you to believe that your children are safe and that you cannot get them out. You should be seriously rethinking both of these notions.

First, if the other parent is abusive to you, then s/he is probably abusive to your children as well. That abuse may not take a physical form; but research shows that emotional abuse (spurning, isolating, terrorizing, exploiting, and denying emotional responsiveness) can be as painful and damaging as physical abuse. It is possible that you are not being completely honest with yourself about the real danger that your children are in. Perhaps that would be too painful a reality to admit or perhaps you feel that the situation is so hopeless that you have already resigned yourself to the fact that you cannot get them out so you are trying to convince yourself that this option is not so bad. So, your first step is to reexamine this premise and think through what the reality is like for your children. Are there trusted adults in your life with whom you can discuss your situation and get some feedback? Do they agree that your children are safe?

House Blogger Megan Thomas writes:

Is it true that it's less psychologically damaging for kids when the parents divorce when the kids are relatively young as opposed to in their teenage/early adulthood years? Or does this not have much bearing at all?

Tammy Gold responds:

I think that every situation is very different. The point about young children pertains to when they are very young, perhaps less than a year of age, and are not that aware of the familial environment. So if there is the juxtaposition of a child who is 3 months old compared to a child 10 years old, how they are affected will be very different because obviously the baby does not understand psychologically what is going on.

Older children have history and have built patterns, structures, and rituals with their parents which in turns shapes their personality. So for a child who has lived with his/her parents for a decade and built this history with them, their divorce would cause a great disruption to the child's world. This is because, for 10 years, this way of life is all the child has known.

Very young children and infants are less aware of things and therefore less traumatized during the big transition of divorce. However, once children are old enough to be aware of home and mom and dad living in the home they will be affected by the their parents separating and living apart. This is not to say, however, that divorce will not affect young babies. Babies — even babies in the womb — can react to parental stress levels. So while a young baby may not fully comprehend a divorce in relation to themselves or their life, they may feel the stress from their parents and react to that stress physically and emotionally.

Dear Mom,

Why are you always yelling at me? Ever since you and Dad got divorced you have been acting really weird. "Do this, pick up that, put this away, do your
homework, get off the computer, set the table and brush your teeth!"

It really drives me crazy that you never just let me be. It's like you are taking out all your anger on me. You ask me why I don't listen to you. Well, everything you say sounds the same...plus you are on me all the time. I cannot finish a thought, a TV show, a computer game or even a conversation without you telling me to do something else!

You think that I have ADD because you think that I don't focus. Well, YOU don't let me focus. You are constantly interrupting everything I do. That
is the real reason why I can never finish anything. And to top it off, I feel like I can never do anything right. If you and Dad were still together none
of this would be happening. Why did our lives have to change?

Another thing, you are always working or on the phone. You never spend time with me. And that new guy you are seeing...well I won't even go into that! I know that I scream at you "I hate you!" I don't really "hate" you; I hate what has happened to us and how you are handling it. I don't mean to upset you or make you cry but I can't stand it!

Here's some ways you can make it better for me:

— Why don't you hand me a list of stuff to do and put a deadline on it? Let me manage my time and figure out when to get it done. Then if I don't follow through, you can yell at me all you want and I'll accept responsibility.

— Just stop nagging. It just makes me want to go to my room and get away from you. It also makes me say mean things to you like "whatever!", roll my eyes, and not do what you asked me to do.

— Set limits. I really do need a curfew. Even if it doesn't seem like it, I need someone to keep tabs on me.

During the growth and development of a child, lots of things change. Little girls will change from a passion for dresses to an obsession with belly-button rings. Boys will go from believing they will be professional baseball players to an interest in computer programming. One of the most enduring values, though, from early childhood into adulthood, is religious identification.

In most families, parents come from similar enough religious backgrounds that deciding on what religion to raise the children is a non-issue. But occasionally, parents disagree about the direction of religious education for their children. The issue becomes more complicated when, because of divorce or separation, parents have decided not to raise the child together.

The first principle in handling such situations is to remember that parents do not choose a religion for a child: they simply choose the type of religious education that child gets. Of course, giving a child a certain background will increase the chances that he or she will choose that religion to identify with. After all, if your little one never hears of the Bahá'í faith, then it's unlikely that he or she will steer in that direction. But, particularly in an open society with religious freedom, by the time a child enters adulthood, he or she is exposed to many different ideas and people from different faiths. And, as they say, "It's a free country."

But, because early religious identification does affect the ultimate spiritual path a person chooses, it's natural that this is a hot button issue with parents of different backgrounds. How to solve it?

First, respect your ex's point of view. Most people stay true to the religion they were when they married, so if you respected that point of view on your wedding day, you shouldn't dis it now.

When eight-year-old Michael learned his parents were splitting, his first question was, "Where will I live and does that mean I won't get to see Daddy?"

Michael knew a number of kids whose parents were divorced and, already at his tender age, he was aware of the difficulties. One classmate coincidentally named Cloud floated nebulously between the residences of each parent on alternate weeks, often forgetting which school bus to take or where he'd left his homework.

Like most divorcing couples, Michael's had worked out a "reasonable visitation" schedule with their lawyers. Reasonable visitation was considered twice-a-month weekend overnight stays and one mid-week visit with dad. The exact times were specified for the beginning and end of each contact.

This arrangement seemed to satisfy the parents when they sat down and carved out the settlement; and, initially, Michael eagerly looked forward to seeing his father. In between visits, he fantasized how they would spend their time together. However, the closer it came to finalizing the divorce, the stress around visitation was making Michael anxious as both parents became locked in combat and visits with Dad became less predictable.

Looking back as an adult, Michael would remember with sadness, anger and resentment being a pawn in his parents' divorce. "I dreaded each visitation because I felt like a traitor if I had a good time with my dad. If he canceled a visit, I thought it was my fault. I remember having stomachaches the day before I was scheduled to see him."

Divorce can be a minefield for kids and it's up to parents to make visitation as smooth as possible. Here are some tips to smooth the way:

• Make it clear that you value your child's time with you and with the other parent.

• Work out a fair and practical time-sharing schedule as soon as possible.

As a newly separating/divorcing mom, a prime objective is to create a parenting plan/custody arrangement that works for you and your children. As long as your ex is not abusive and shows any interest at all in parenting/co-parenting, your children will spend some time with their father and away from you.

You will probably spend more time away from your children than ever before. The truth is, most children need both parents in their lives. Most likely you will have to share your child with the one person in the world you now know you cannot live with and/or who does not want to live with you. This will not be easy.

Here are some other truths to consider as you begin to think about what kind of parenting plan you want:

TRUTH: Your children's needs will change as they mature, while the parenting plan will probably remain fixed — it is very costly to return to court and revise the plan — so be careful what you agree to now.

TRUTH: Information is available on the Internet and in bookstores to help you become educated about the laws in your state and about different parenting plan options that might work for you.

TRUTH: Most custody arrangements are decided by the parents or as a result of mediation, not in formal court hearings. Make sure that if you go this route, it is because you honestly believe that the plan you and your ex have agreed to is workable, not because you have been bullied or manipulated into signing it.

TRUTH: If your case does involve a custody hearing, be prepared to spend tens of thousands of dollars on legal and other professional fees. Also be prepared for unreasonable delays, unfair costs, and other frustrations and discouraging experiences.

There are many important factors to consider when discussing divorce with your children. Each family will have a different set of requirements to their discussions that will depend on the age and maturity level of the children involved. For example, what a two-year-old can comprehend is very different from what a 12-year-old can understand. Also, depending on maturity levels of the children, two children the same age may grasp and react to things differently.

Children can sense and become aware of things early on, especially when change is involved. If the status of your marriage is causing a change in your home environment, it would make sense to tell your children sooner rather than later. Although each family and situation is different, it is generally recommended that the parents inform their children early on of their intention to divorce. It is suggested that the discussion be done with both parents present in a calm and neutral environment. If the parents are extremely emotional, as is often the case during this time, it is best to wait and have the conversation when the adults are able to speak in a composed, calm, and clear manner.

There are a few "Dos" and "Don'ts" regarding the discussion of the family divorce. Although research and experts vary on specifics, there are a few key points that are universally agreed upon regarding what to address: