When my friend Kate finally collected enough courage to end her 12-year marriage to Will, she was suffering all the symptoms of a victim of domestic abuse. She had panic attacks, was in a state of depression, her self-esteem was in the gutter, and her sense of reality was distorted.

In the beginning, Kate would have scoffed at the idea that she had been a victim of domestic abuse. After all, Will “had only cheated” on her. He had not laid a hand on her, yet he had managed to undermine and diminish her through his long-time affair with an old high school girlfriend.

Kate had done what many victims of infidelity do. She failed to realize that in trying to save her marriage, she had destroyed herself by not recognizing that she was as emotionally vulnerable as any abuse victim.

Why do I believe that infidelity is a form of domestic abuse? Because infidelity can be as devastating as a physical attack. Infidelity makes a spouse humiliated, hurt, and helpless. Ultimately, it is experienced as a grave loss, the death of trust. When a husband cheats, he directly attacks his wife’s sense of worth.

In coaching women who are going through divorce due to a husband’s infidelity, I’ve found there to be common characteristics with victims of domestic abuse:

• Both can become an ongoing aspect of marriage. There is a recurring cycle in which the abusive or cheating husband is repentant and the marital relationship functions well. Then there is another episode of abuse or infidelity.

• The husbands may show brief periods of guilt or remorse, but usually seem insensitive to the pain they have caused. Most will not accept responsibility for the suffering they cause.

If you feel your marriage is beyond repair, it's best to consult with an attorney sooner than later. Knowledge is power. Before you make one of the biggest life-changing decisions you and your family will ever face, get as much information as possible.

In many ways, identifying the right lawyer is like buying shoes. You wouldn't spend lavishly on the wrong sized pair. And no matter how many you try on, there's no obligation to make a purchase. With a divorce attorney, "try on" or consult with more than one — since you have no binding commitment to retain them — to find that perfect fit. Don't sacrifice style or comfort. You'll need trust and a good working relationship with your attorney, because you two will be together for the next several months.

Here are some other tips to consider before you shop for an attorney:

1. Shhh! Don't tell your spouse. Until you know your rights and obligations, keep the attorney hunt a secret. If your spouse is alerted he may stop paying bills, divert money into a personal bank account or siphon the joint funds in anticipation of divorce.

2. Family matters. If you're a mom, be sure the lawyers you consider are family law professionals. This sole focus means the needs of you and your children will be met most effectively. The attorney you choose should be able to refer you to experts in family counseling, personal finance, and other specialties to address your overall well-being. Determine how long they have been working in family or marital law. Have they written books, articles, or taught lawyers? Law firm websites usually have a biography of the attorney. If they don't, ask the attorney to provide one.

Divorce is a complicated process emotionally, legally, and financially. Thoughtful planning and patience, however, can make your decision to divorce — and the process itself — smoother.

Planning should begin from the moment you have a single notion about getting a divorce. Trust your instincts that divorce may be in the cards and begin to plan logically while you still can. Take note, for example, that much of the business of private investigators comes from spouses engaged in pre-divorce planning. Savvy divorce lawyers tell prospective clients to find out as much as possible — as early as possible — before the papers are even served. Divorce lawyers Steven Fuchs and Sharon Sooho advise women to "win" the divorce battle with the ancient Chinese tactics of strategic planning, stealth, and deception.

So put an end to your natural inclination to be a "good girl" who only wants "what is rightly mine, fair and reasonable" — because you may be in for a big surprise. Men are used to planning, and preparing for battle is the key to winning. Don't lose your divorce because you enter unprepared. Plan for your divorce and learn what is needed to get the best possible divorce outcome.

Here are five critical financial actions you should take before you even think about divorce:

1. Make copies of all financial records and statements; compile your list of assets and debts. Know where your money is and what you owe. Make a list of all institution names, account numbers, title on accounts, balances, credit lines, interest rates, type of investments, etc. Knowing exactly what is at stake financially will alleviate surprise, hasten discovery, and avoid delays later on. Find a safe place to store everything confidentially.

Here’s the problem with most Christmas presents: you already have it or you don’t want it. And as soon as it’s open, you’ve already forgotten what it was. Worse if you’re the one giving the present, and you’ve just watched someone open three identical gifts, one of which was yours. Worse yet, when the ex-husband outspends you four-to-one on presents for your children.

Especially this year, throwing money around just seems wrong.

So here’s a proposal. Try coming up with Christmas and Hanukkah presents that pull people together instead of splitting them apart. That offer an experience instead of something to be dumped in the bottom of a closet, or regifted.

It takes some thinking (which is free!) and you have to know the person well. But here are some ideas for holiday gifts that keep on giving.

• The bored teenager who has everything (1)

You’ll never find the right clothes because what was in last month is now out. Electronics? You don’t even know what the kid has at this point (a lot). Instead, give an experience. For $100 you can give him or her a gift certificate for a flying lesson. Yes, in an airplane. I’ve had a great experience with Pilot Journey but you can also go to a local (ideally small) airport and just talk to an instructor. The astonishment, the worry, the preparation, the lesson itself will stretch out in memory. $100 is a lot of money, but this is a lot of experience. You only have one first flying lesson in your life. And the whole family can watch and take pictures with their cell phones.

• The bored teenager who has everything (2)

The day after Thanksgiving (known in retail as Black Friday) and the following Cyber Monday made barely a dent in our closets this year. There were no fights over designer outfits at the outlets, and trendy clothes are still sitting on 40% markdown racks at local department stores and mall boutiques.

We’re all on a clothes diet, applying the same selective attitude to fashion that we did to feasting, with stuffing, gravy, and pecan pie sitting untouched while the veggies and lean turkey got gobbled up.

Come to think of it, most women I know made it through this year’s celebratory day with a calorie counter and post-meal workout. Which means sooner or later you (or rather, we) are going to binge — it’s inevitable during the holiday season.

When you do, whether it’s double chocolate chip cookies or a pair of Current/Elliot jeans, you’ll be asking yourself, “is it worth it?” Most women say they’re desperate for a new pair of jeans but have taken a sensible, unsentimental approach to almost everything else.

Here’s my pragmatic guide to a little denim indulgence. It’s practically guilt-free.

Tell yourself:

1. Winter is really the ideal time to wear skinny jeans. They’re easy to tuck into knee-high boots, big Hunter rain boots, or Uggs. Think of them as leggings with more substance and control. In a thicker stretch denim, they work like a body shaper. Choose a medium rise, so you’re not tugging them up all day, and a very dark even-toned wash or black for ultra-slimming power. This style is where you can get away with a really low-cost jean, because what really shows is the top of thighs to knees; the rest is covered.

It used to be that opening brand name boxes — Tiffany's, Abercrombie & Finch, Ralph Lauren — would elicit oohs and ahs over the holidays. Okay, maybe they still do, but the diving economy has caused a shift in thinking, and now — hip hip hoorah — meaningful and personalized presents are the new status gifts this holiday season.

With that in mind, we have assembled a gift list that will touch the heart for $50 or less. In fact, these gifts could be considered priceless in that they hearken back to the original intention of the holidays.

1. Create a personalized photo book or calendar. Cull through all your old photo albums, slides, and memory cards and gather up some of your favorite pictures. Whether you choose one major event (wedding, birthday, trip), a shared history, or just treasured moments together, this is a wonderful present that can be appreciated for years to come.

Local retailers like Kinkos (calendar $19.99) and Ritz Camera both offer various options for creating unique pictorial presents from either digital or photo images. There are also online services like Snapfish ($18.99 for a 2009 photo calendar) that don’t even require you to leave your home, as long as you have digital images on hand. Our favorite is Apple’s iPhoto, which allows you to design glossy hard- or soft-cover photo albums with personalized captions.

Americans may penny-pinch in other areas this season, but Christmas means seeing the light — and for some, the more the merrier. Come December, many families take their competitive spirit to new heights, because if there were an Olympics for holiday lights, we’d take the gold.

For example, in Anchorage, Alaska, the Lorangers shine 20,000 bulbs on a homemade Santa fishing from a pool of lights. At the Wills’ home in Mendota Falls, Minnesota, some 150 candy canes light up the exterior. A thousand miles west in Tuscon, Arizona, cacti sparkle. Down in Marble Falls, Texas, an electrified twirling lariat spells out Merry Christmas Y’All.

According to David Seidman, author of Holiday Lights!, Christmas lights began as a winter solstice ritual. When the nights grew long and bitter cold, people would bring in evergreens and burn slabs of wood. Eventually, this became the Yule log, and candle-lit trees soon followed.

In 1879, when Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, his assistant Edward Johnson took some home and lit up his own Christmas tree. The fashion became tradition when President Grover Cleveland put electric lights on the White House tree. Then in the late 1940’s and 50’s, when electricity became affordable, it became all the rage to decorate home exteriors.

This tradition still continues. And while some may not string 600,000 lights on their house this season, it doesn’t take much to dazzle and delight both kids and adults.

Here are David Seidman’s 10 wildest neighborhoods that parlay tradition into high-wattage celebration:

Baltimore, Maryland

I love the brutal truth of HDTV. On old broadcast TV, everyone looked perfect thanks to thick layers of pancake, powder, and contour for definition. The muted gauze on the lens visibility meant you never saw the vast amount of makeup anyone wore.

As a frequent contributor during beauty and fashion segments for "The Today Show" and "The Early Show", the intensity of makeup that translated as normal onscreen always amazed me. It was easy to blank out all flaws from undereye circles to brow stubble (like hiding a lover’s glasses during sex since!).

Now, under the wicked eye of extreme clarity and magnified details of HDTV, you know who needs a brow or moustache wax, if they’re wearing gloss and lip pencil or just lipstick, and when they’ve traded their blush for bronzing powder.

I’m just fascinated with the new beauty strategy of TV journalists and I’m not alone. My friends think Katie Couric has the best eye makeup these days and I especially love Rachel Maddows’s makeup on MSNBC. I have been accused on many occasions (and especially during the recent presidential campaign) of paying more attention to correspondents’ hair and blush selection than to what they are actually saying.

My chum superstar makeup artist Sandy Linter tells me all the anchors including Diane Sawyer still wear strip fake lashes all the time. “It’s how they get through long days in the public eye without looking beat or tired.”

Now that Thanksgiving has passed, we know what comes next: the big push to find (and pay for) all kinds of presents for neighbors, co-workers, the mailman, church members, and that aged aunt we haven’t seen in 30 years.

Just in time, we’ve got a great discussion going on at FWW’s social network. Money, post-divorce, can be tight and our members have gotten together to exchange gift and decorating ideas to make the holidays more affordable. I thought I would share a few of their suggestions here. For more check out “Inexpensive holiday ideas" on the network.

Gifts:

• Buy Chinese take out boxes from Smart and Final, decorate the outside with the recipient's name and some frou-frou, then put in tissue paper, half a dozen or so cookies, and the recipe.

• Decorate holiday wreaths. Take a walk and collect pinecones, spray-paint them gold or silver and put them on the wreaths. Jo-Ann Fabrics & Crafts and Michaels have great sales on ornaments to add on the wreath. Try to theme your wreaths to your friends’ or relatives’ favorite hobbies, personal style, etc.

• Do you have a great cookie, bar or brownie recipe? If so, give someone else the chance to make it. Layer the dry ingredients in a mason jar. Decorate the top with Christmas fabric, pompoms, beads and so on. Write the recipe on a cute card. All the recipient has to do is add eggs and water and voila, tasty holiday treats!

Holiday season parties and get-togethers are already underway with save-the dates magnetized to the fridge. My married and single friends have been reading Skinny Bitch, the Secret, and The Power of Now in an effort to prime themselves for the season.

Lots of women I know are doing volunteer work at shelters, retirement homes, hospices and children’s hospitals during hours they used to spend shopping (so there is an upside to this bad economy!). Doing good for others encourages an optimistic attitude and confidence in your own future.

This is the time to network, socialize, and get back in the game. Whether you’re job hunting or seeking your soul mate, looking your best is essential.

Right now, the only splurging going on is at dermatologists’ offices, where new injectable fillers and fat treatments recently approved by the FDA are experiencing a pre-holiday surge. They do work, they are pricey (check with your dermatologist as prices vary around the country and from doctor to doctor), but I’ve included affordable alternatives too.

Here are the top three beauty peeves, with medical pro and at-home solutions for each.
 
Gripe 1: Expression Lines Make You Look Tired & Angry