"Anonymous" writes:

It's important to me that I respect my son enough to not pull the typical "You'll understand when you're older" on the topic of my divorce. At the same time, he's not stupid. He knows we split up for a reason and he has a right to know about those reasons. Any tips for explaining the reasons for the split honestly without trashing his dad?

Dr. Scott Haltzman responds:

The answer to your question depends, in part, on how old your son is and, in part, on what you mean by "the reasons." If your son is not yet school age, then the simpler the explanation the better. As a child ages, he can understand more of the world. As a teen, he begins to understand more about relationships, and more about his own role as a man in society. If that's the case, he deserves a more complete picture of the cause for the divorce.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say your son has a "right to know." There are many things that your children have a right to know that you can choose not tell them — how much money you have in the bank is one example. As a parent, it's your decision whether or not you share information. If the reason you split is because your ex is involved in something that is public knowledge (arraigned on embezzlement charges, in prison for domestic violence, living with another woman, got a sex change operation, and the like) then your son is sure to find out, and, if his dad doesn't tell him, then you might have to. But if your husband's problems are more private, then your son doesn't need to learn the details from you.

During the growth and development of a child, lots of things change. Little girls will change from a passion for dresses to an obsession with belly-button rings. Boys will go from believing they will be professional baseball players to an interest in computer programming. One of the most enduring values, though, from early childhood into adulthood, is religious identification.

In most families, parents come from similar enough religious backgrounds that deciding on what religion to raise the children is a non-issue. But occasionally, parents disagree about the direction of religious education for their children. The issue becomes more complicated when, because of divorce or separation, parents have decided not to raise the child together.

The first principle in handling such situations is to remember that parents do not choose a religion for a child: they simply choose the type of religious education that child gets. Of course, giving a child a certain background will increase the chances that he or she will choose that religion to identify with. After all, if your little one never hears of the Bahá'í faith, then it's unlikely that he or she will steer in that direction. But, particularly in an open society with religious freedom, by the time a child enters adulthood, he or she is exposed to many different ideas and people from different faiths. And, as they say, "It's a free country."

But, because early religious identification does affect the ultimate spiritual path a person chooses, it's natural that this is a hot button issue with parents of different backgrounds. How to solve it?

First, respect your ex's point of view. Most people stay true to the religion they were when they married, so if you respected that point of view on your wedding day, you shouldn't dis it now.

Consider all the hoopla around weddings. Your family and friends surround you and pronounce, through their words and deeds, that they stand by your side during this life-changing experience. The band or DJ plays your favorite tune as you and your husband sway together wrapped in each other's arms. It's a great moment in your life.

Yet when you choose to make an equally life-changing experience to end your marriage, there are no rented dance halls, elaborate floral arrangements or three-layered cakes. And, more importantly, there is often no support around you for the decision that you make. There are many reasons to decide to leave a marriage, just as there are many reasons to start one. The problem is, you don't have nearly so much explaining to do when you are putting the ring on as you do when you are permanently taking the ring off. Many couples I talk to say that they feel pressure from family and friends to stay together in the marriage for one prevailing reason: the children.

Admittedly, I'm one of those therapists who supports people staying in a marriage that's less than ideal, particularly if there are children involved. If there is domestic violence in the household, or any dangerousness, either from substance abuse or sexual infidelity, then leaving a marriage may be the only option left. But, the fact is, for many reasons, marriages end.

Most children haven't read the textbooks on human psychology, but they have an uncanny suspicion that an ideal world is one in which their mother and their father participate together in bringing them up. The problem for the children is that they cannot choose whether their parents stay together. That sobering reality leaves parents who decide to split with the possibility that their children, whom they have promised to protect against harm at all costs, may suffer.