House Blogger Wanda Woodard asks:

I've heard that when girls hit puberty they tend to turn away from their mothers and turn towards their fathers. My daughter has been away from her father for 2.5 years now, and she is in the throws of puberty. Is there any validity to this theory?

Susan Epstein responds:

What you are referring to is based on Sigmund Freud's psychoanalytic theory of how girls develop their sense of femininity during their early oedipal years.

Certainly, there are psychoanalytic researchers who might agree that a girl without a father in her life might develop differently than one with a father.

However, the definitions of 'family' and 'parent' have changed drastically since Freud's writings, and children are being raised more and more by single women, single men, and same sex partners. There is more that we don't know than what we do know about father/daughter relationships and their impact on girls' development.

More important than focusing on "theory" is that you talk to your teen about the differences she is experiencing in her family. How does she feel about not having her father around? Does she miss him? How does she feel around male teachers and other men in her life? Are there other good men that she knows and respects?

What it comes down to is keeping the conversation alive and taking what you learn from your daughter and helping her fill those voids in her life.

Best regards, Susan

Dear Mom,

Why are you always yelling at me? Ever since you and Dad got divorced you have been acting really weird. "Do this, pick up that, put this away, do your
homework, get off the computer, set the table and brush your teeth!"

It really drives me crazy that you never just let me be. It's like you are taking out all your anger on me. You ask me why I don't listen to you. Well, everything you say sounds the same...plus you are on me all the time. I cannot finish a thought, a TV show, a computer game or even a conversation without you telling me to do something else!

You think that I have ADD because you think that I don't focus. Well, YOU don't let me focus. You are constantly interrupting everything I do. That
is the real reason why I can never finish anything. And to top it off, I feel like I can never do anything right. If you and Dad were still together none
of this would be happening. Why did our lives have to change?

Another thing, you are always working or on the phone. You never spend time with me. And that new guy you are seeing...well I won't even go into that! I know that I scream at you "I hate you!" I don't really "hate" you; I hate what has happened to us and how you are handling it. I don't mean to upset you or make you cry but I can't stand it!

Here's some ways you can make it better for me:

— Why don't you hand me a list of stuff to do and put a deadline on it? Let me manage my time and figure out when to get it done. Then if I don't follow through, you can yell at me all you want and I'll accept responsibility.

— Just stop nagging. It just makes me want to go to my room and get away from you. It also makes me say mean things to you like "whatever!", roll my eyes, and not do what you asked me to do.

— Set limits. I really do need a curfew. Even if it doesn't seem like it, I need someone to keep tabs on me.

It is a common misconception that, following divorce, teenagers become more self-sufficient and independent. The real truth is that teens often times appear that way, and their parents see this as license to back off and give them too much space, freedom, and not enough supervision and family time. The real danger is that teens can and will deal with divorce in potentially much more self destructive ways than younger children.

Has your teen...

— isolated herself?

— stopped talking to you altogether?

— developed a "whatever" attitude?

— started skipping school and/or grades are plummeting?

— begun hiding evidence of doing drugs or alcohol?

Or...

— does he keep saying "Get the &%$# off my back, Mom?"

— has he pushed or hit someone in the house?

— is he showing signs of stress like: angry outbursts, talking back and swearing?

— is he so angry and so out of control that you are scared of him?

And do you sometimes wonder to yourself that he will turn into an ax murderer?

If this sounds like your son or daughter, you'll want to keep on reading...

What may look like independence on the outside (spending more time alone, needing you less, pushing you away or exhibiting assertive behavior) is often repressed anger waiting to explode. While being exhausted and depleted yourself during and after divorce it may be easier for you to buy into the "myth" that your teen is handling divorce okay and that this somehow will make him or her stronger person.

However, your teen is crying out for your help, supervision, and limits, and needs you now more than ever. If you aren't already, here are a few tips to prevent your teen from going down the path of self-destruction while getting closer as a family and maintaining a healthy positive connection: