From a Child of Divorce: Should You Stay Together For The Kids?

Posted by Antonio on Mon, 05/05/2008 - 8:42am

Let me start out by saying I personally think my childhood was perfect. I had two loving parents who showered me with attention and affection and I never wanted for anything. I was very well taken care of and given a strong religious background that I can only thank my parents for today.

What might surprise you (now hold onto your seat)... I'm also a child of divorce. I know...how scandalous! Well, at least it was back then when my parents got divorced.

My name is Antonio Martinez, I'm 35, and when my parents divorced I was 12. Did it have an impact on me? I can honestly say, "Not that much". I was lucky. My parents didn't allow it to have a damaging impact on me. I guess I have to back up a bit and tell you a little bit about my parents.

I was what you would call an "extremely planned baby". My parents were married for years before they had me and they read every book they could on raising a well-adjusted child. So it is no shocker that they did the same when they decided to divorce.

So you might be asking now, "So how did they tell you? What did they do?" Well, actually it came in the form of a question. My mother sat me down one day when I came home for a weekend from summer camp (I went to a summer camp that lasted all summer. I was at camp for 3 weeks, come home for a weekend, then went right back to camp for another 3 weeks), I remember mom asking me, "How would you feel if when you came back from camp your father wasn't here?"

She went on to tell me that they would stay together for me if that were what I wanted. I believe she was sincere in saying that and probably would have hung in there till I was 18 and off to college if that were my choice. I looked at my mother after her short but powerful speech and said, "If it means you and dad will be happier, get the divorce, because I know you aren't happy".

How did I know? All I can say is, kids aren't dumb. I never saw them fight but I knew the love was gone. I completely believe that it is better to raise a kid in two loving households than to show them the example of a loveless marriage. You can debate me on that till you're blue in the face, but all I can speak on is my own experience and how wonderful my parents were. Was my family the norm back then? No. Is it becoming more normal today? Yes.

There is also a new study that says "Contemporary Families" may not be good nor bad for children, which I think might help change they way you think of divorce and your child.

Check it out, and let me know what your thoughts are!

What Others Have Shared ()

I love reading stories like

I love reading stories like yours Antonio. It reinforces my belief that it isn’t divorce that damages children but, the people who are divorcing. You are lucky to have parents who put your well-being first. The sad truth is that most people who are divorcing are so wrapped up in their own problems that their children and what is best for their children are no longer their main priority. For the Divorce Support site at About.com I write articles on all aspects of divorce. I have many articles about the effects of divorce on children and how to help children cope with divorce. Those articles get fewer page views than any articles I write. Parents have bought into the idea that children are “resilient” and will adjust to the divorce. This myth allows parents to behave in unacceptable ways with no regard for what it will mean for their children. Yes, children can handle divorce and grow into happy, productive adults. What they can’t handle, the thing that does the damage is the conflict and sophomoric behavior they are exposed to by their parents. Too bad all parents are not as emotionally enlightened as your parents. I look forward to the day that a story like yours is the "norm." I'm afraid we aren't quite there yet though.

Cathy Meyer - 5/05/2008

I would agree

We aren't quite there yet. Most parents aren't like mine. There are tons of classes on child birth and raising your child but there isn't much out there about how to protect your child emotionally while going through divorce. There should be courses, training camps and seminars with hundreds attending weekly. Right now, I would suggest to everyone going through this to read as much as possible on the topic, but again that would assume that the parents going through this with their children aren't being selfish and they are looking out for the kid before themselves. All my best, Antonio

Antonio - 5/06/2008

YEAH, WHY DON'T WE LEAVE ALL THE ADULT DECISIONS TO 12 YEAR OLD.

KNUCKLEHEAD! WHAT A DUMB RESPONSE.... PEOPLE, THERE IS A REASON CHILDREN CAN'T DRIVE, DRINK, VOTE, PERFORM SURGERY, TRADE STOCKS, AND HANDLE MONEY. AND YOUR TELLING EVERYONE YOU HOPE THIS IS THE NORM? IDIOT

Guest - 5/06/2008

LOL this is too funny ... keep it coming.

My parents were wonderful people, believe it or not. I'm so shocked that anyone would be so angered over my story. It's a true story, it's what happened to me and I'll stand behind what I wrote 100%. Here is another example of what a forward thinking person my mother was: I was an only child and I admit I was a little spoiled by the whole family (grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts included). My mother wanted me to see that money did not grow on trees, so one day she sat me down with her check book and I paid the bills. That was her was of showing me how much money came into the household and how much was going out. That way I didn't ask for unreasonable things we couldn't afford. So going back to the decision of my parents divorce. Yes, it did really happen that way. Do I think my mother would have swayed me into coming to that decision later on had I chosen for them to stay together? Yes, I'm sure she would have. She was a master at child psychology and could get me to sit up straight with just a look. (She still can) So, as I've said before, keep the comments coming. I'm a big boy and can handle the good and the bad comments alike. All I can do is be honest and share my experiences. I still say, "people underestimate children constantly". They can understand and handle a lot more than people give them credit for. Also, not all kids are created equal. Some are very advanced for their age and others aren't; you have to judge them on an individual basis and treat them accordingly. Try to remember this is a site to help women that are going through what is probably one of the toughest times of their lives. Please try and keep the comments constructive. I can understand your doubts of whether my story is true or not. As I stated at the beginning of the blog I think I had the perfect childhood and I thank my parents for that. So to you person who decided to hide your name when commenting, I send you a big hug because it seems you really need one :) Also, I know that God wanted this all to happen for a reason, these past situations formed into the strong, well adjusted, successful person that I am. And anything that happens now will grow me into th man I will become. So in closing, I'm a real person. This is my true story and you can believe it or not. God Bless. All my best, Antonio

Antonio - 5/06/2008

Great Example ... Courageous for a child

I couldn't help but be touched by your confidence and wisdom. So many young people could probably benefit from speaking with you. I have two questions? Do you feel you missed anything by your parents separating? And how do you personally feel about marriage today? Ginny

Guest - 5/05/2008

Nah...

Do I feel like I missed out on anything because my parents were divorced? Nah! My parents spent, I think, MORE time with me because they felt like I would be missing out on something. They gave me tons of hugs and kisses and spoke with me as a person and never like a little child. I love that and respect them for it. As for marriage I love the thought of getting married. I've been in very long term relationships in the past. I've never "jumped the broom" but I do love the thought of it. Am I more picky than the average person? Yes, I do think so. But what I have also noticed is that I can have a relationship with anyone. I truly can see the beauty in any person. The real question is: Who has the best traits that fit best with me and my lifestyle? I will never change who I am to fit into someone else's life nor would I ask them to change to fit mine. I want someone that fits seamlessly into mine and I fit seamlessly into theirs. I know relationships take love, patience and understanding and there will always be compromises, but it shouldn't be a second job. It should never "feel" like work. It should become unconditional love and you should only want to support each other and make each other happy. This I learned from two loving parents in two loving homes. All my best, Antonio

Antonio - 5/06/2008

YOUR PARENTS JUDGEMENT MAY NOT BE AS GREAT AS YOU SAY...

What adult leaves a decision like that one on the shoulders of a 12 year old boy? I'd love to see a judge's reaction to that decision! and i appreciate your account of the situation, but i doubt the voracity of the story. Parents have a hard time speaking about divorce in they year 2008 to their kids and that's with the divorce rate well above 55%. Your parents divorce was over 20 years ago so you'll have to excuse my doubts about your story. i'm glad it worked out for you, clearly your parents are some of the most forward thinking people i've ever heard of. - you are lucky. I'm a bit surprised parents as mindful of your feelings just didn't have an adult agreement to "do their own thing" when not in the home and stay together until you turned 18 just 6 years later... i would not have "ran" it by my children or left the decision up to them. That's too much weight for a child to bear if u ask me.. good "story" though. its just not real

Guest - 5/06/2008

Believe it or not...

You can speak with my mom. I'll put her in direct contact with you but that really is how it happened. My parents really did have my best interest at heart and I knew they weren't happy. Why would I want to see my parents unhappy when I knew there was something that would fix the problem. I guess I have always been a logical thinker and as my mother always says I when I was 4 I acted like I was going on 40. Thanks for the comments the good and the bad. I'm strong enough to take it and I know what the truth is and if you want to ask me anything I'll stand behind what I have written 100%! All my best, Antonio

Antonio - 5/06/2008

"i would not have "ran" it

"i would not have "ran" it by my children or left the decision up to them. That's too much weight for a child to bear if u ask me." I don't believe it is too much weight for a child. I feel that one of the things that cause children so much pain and frustration during their parent's divorce is the lack of control they feel over what is happing to their worlds. I also believe that ultimately, the most important thing in a child's life is that their parents be happy. If children are made a part of the process and are made to understand that their parents will be happier apart then children are going to make the choice that means happiness for their parents. Giving a child the opportunity to do that also gives the child a feeling of having had some control over what happened. Antonio's mother was very smart woman. She got what she wanted...a divorce AND she enabled her child to feel as if he had some control over his life. From my point of view, she took care of her needs and her child's needs at the same time. Most children are the last to know their parents are divorcing. Most feel blind sighted by the fact and are left to deal with the drastic change to their lives on their own. How is that better than the way Antonio's mother handled her situation? Children play a role in the divorce process, they should also be given a voice and permission to express how they feel about it.

Cathy Meyer - 5/07/2008

I think that Antonio's

I think that Antonio's situation speaks to how well his parents knew him as a person. Sure, not all 12 year-olds would be adept at handling that type of question, but clearly Antonio was, and his parents knew that about their son. They may have made an unconventional choice, but that hardly makes it the wrong choice, and in this case, it seems clear that for their family it was the right choice.

Vanessa - 5/08/2008

Select a Resource...

Monthly Features

filter resources by topic...

Contributing Experts