Jen Schefft may have won the popular reality contest The Bachelor in 2003, but she dumped Andrew Firestone, the bachelor in question, because, she said, she didn’t want to settle on the wrong guy.

Then she was the chooser on the sequel, The Bachelorette, where she stunned the two finalists by saying that she didn’t want to commit to either of them.

Why, she wondered, was she reviled, rather than respected, for not rushing to the altar?

Her response is Better Single Than Sorry: A No-Regrets Guide to Loving Yourself and Never Settling, which reminds women that you’re OK if you’re not in a relationship.

As she points out:

• There have never been more single adult women in the U.S. than now.
• We have to learn to find enjoyment by ourselves and not through someone else.
• The odds are that each of us will be alone for parts of our lives, so we can’t look for eternal happiness in a relationship with a guy.

The message here is: You can be alone and not lonely.

The book does stretch this point like salt water taffy and could be condensed. But hey, publishers like longer books, and there are points worth mentioning.

Schefft talked to women in all stages of relationships. One said she settled for a guy and now is divorced. “At the time, I thought he was the best I could get,” she told Schefft. “As I have gotten more confident and more experienced with age, I realize that I deserve so much more.”

Schefft of course points out the advantages of being single. “It forces you to build more of a network in the world,” she says. “If you think about it in the right way and not as something tragic, you can become a much more interesting person.”

Life isn’t over after a divorce. It’s a new beginning. But women are worried about dating again, about their ex-husbands dating again, and about the shaky feeling that comes when the divorce process begins.

www.truemomconfessions.com has agreed to swap content with firstwivesworld.com every week. True Mom Confessions provides the questions, and we provide the advice.

True Mom Question:

I don't know the protocol on dating after divorce. I haven't had feelings for soon-to-be ex DH in a long time, so I feel like I'm ready to embark on the dating scene. Do I wait until the divorce is final (at least four more months)? How long before I introduce him to the kids? I am really scared about this situation. Will anybody want to date a single Mom?

First Wives World Answer:

Single moms date all the time, and find love again. It’s called reinvention and renewal and possibility. It all awaits you in the next chapter of your life. Look at Reese Witherspoon, even Angelina Jolie. They were single moms. Now you may think, “I’m not a movie star.” But you are. You have within you something that shines brightly and will be desirable to the right person. Since your divorce is going to be finalized in four months, however, why not wait? Use this time to embark on improving yourself, buying a new outfit for a first date, and becoming the best person you can be. As far as when to introduce someone to the kids, let’s wait until you find someone worthy. While there are no set rules, most experts say you shouldn’t introduce kids to anyone you haven’t dated for at least six months. You want them to have faith in the sturdiness and consistency of love. Life is long. A whole new future awaits you, and your children.

TMQ:

What does a divorced girl need besides a good attorney, a loyal girlfriend and gainful employment? A good laugh.

“Still Hot: The Uncensored Guide to Divorce, Dating, Sex, Spite, and Happily Ever After” by Sue Mittenthal and Linda Reing delivers.

It’s a bubbling summer cobbler about the trials and tribulations of women whose middle-aged husbands leave them for the office cupcakes, dishy Russian bimbos, or hot Tarot card readers.

Sue Mittenthal and Linda Reing met when their children were toddlers and reconnected when their husbands toddled off. Only after they had moved on from their divorces could they look back and see the unexpected comedy in the drama; they decided to share it in this book, along with observations of divorced friends they met along the way.

Here are some observations:

Tell-Tale Signs He’s Leaving

• You see him gazing into the rearview mirrors while pulling up the skin around his eyes.
• Lately he volunteers to stir-fry tofu and bok choy.
• You find men’s moisturizer in the medicine cabinet, next to his Crest whitening strips and his Just For Men hair dye kit.
• He starts futzing with his comb-over and you catch him clicking on classmates.com.

Just Because He Wants a “Do-Over” It’s Not Your Fault

“That’s revisionism. You are no more responsible for his wretched state that you are for his receding hairline. His about-face is a direct result of his fear of death and decrepitude.”

Girlfriends and “Frenemies”

A girlfriend hears about your divorce and “whisks you off to Linens ’n’ Things” for fresh bedding or shepherds you to Victoria’s Secret”; she also doesn’t laugh while you “try on the rhinestone-studded g-string.”

Recently, truemomconfessions.com shared some of their members’ concerns with firstwivesworld.com, and we agreed to swap content every week. They will provide the confessions, and we will provide the advice.

Here are this week’s confessions.

True Mom Confession:

"I have never been away from my kids before. It’s been one week and I have two more to go. This part of divorce sucks! I miss them so much. I don't think I can make it another two weeks."

FWW response:

Not seeing your kids every day is one of the hardest parts of divorce. Your heart feels split because you and your husband have split. Many women, however, use this time as an opportunity. It’s guilt-free time for you. Yes, you. Visit friends if you need to get out of the house. Luxuriate in a romantic bath. Nestle into bed with lots of magazines. Consider all the things that you don’t do that you now can. Think about your life and hobbies or projects or jobs you want to do. In a way, divorce prepares you to be an empty-nester — except the little ones will come back and you will appreciate them more when they do.

True Mom Confession:

"Part of me wants to move overseas and leave my kid with relatives. I never expected to be a divorced mother, and am not doing very well by myself. My parents both abandoned me as a child, and I survived.... But I can't imagine doing that to another human being. His father already left him, so I can't leave him too."

FWW Response:

Let’s be honest. Separation, divorce, any break-up – the initial period sucks. Recently a man I loved decided to end our relationship. To our credit, it ended with love and respect. But his decision knocked me off my feet and into the void of relationship break-up.

When a relationship ends, there is nothing solid to land on.

This is when the emotional rollercoaster goes into overdrive, but it can also be a critical time to accept those feelings and roll with them.

That breakup reminds me how powerful emotions can be.

We feel the grief, sadness, and loss not only of the person, but the dreams we had and the opportunities that were not yet realized, the end of not just the future but also the shared past.

Even those who initiate the break-up are not immune from this, but it’s worse if you are the one left behind.

In this abyss there is sometimes real, physical pain. Literally, the heart aches.

It can also seethe with anger and curl up in despair.

But healing means going with our feelings, not bottling them up or denying them. If we rush the process, we risk leaving unresolved issues that will make an encore appearance in a future relationship.

Recently one of my children developed an abscess. When it burst, it was painful, but it released the toxins.

Even then, to complete the healing, the doctor had to further open up the wound. He told us to leave it open, because that was the only way healing could be complete.

Experiencing this while being in the abyss of my own break-up reinforced what I already knew to be true. Time heals.

And during that time it’s helpful to remember a few things:

1. Breathe

I try to try to celebrate each wave of grief or sadness as a sign of how willing I was to open my heart to love. Each day I feel my heart growing stronger, and I’m more able to love myself and others.

Divorce triggers a huge range of emotions, but it is also the catalyst for a number of life changes! We can't stop the pain, the emotions, and the life changes from happening, but we can change how we deal with them.

When I was going through my divorce, like so many, I had to move and sell a house that I had built, the home in which my children grew up.

It was far too big and, after 10 years, things were breaking down. Paying bill after bill made me financially fearful.

I did not want to be house poor, but letting go of the house was harder than letting go of my husband, since the house represented my “white picket fence” dream.

I tried hard to hold on. I didn’t want to experience the pain of moving.

I was afraid of change.

I believed that if I could just control the situation and keep things “as is,” I would be OK.

I thought my resistance to selling my house was protecting me, but instead it locked me into the pain and it kept me mired in the circumstances I most disliked.

What if your life, as it is right now, is perfectly designed to support you in moving to the next and greatest expression of yourself?

What if everything happening at this moment is perfect for you, and will deliver you the life of your dreams?

What if there are no accidents and no coincidences?

Looking through those eyes, would you feel any differently about your divorce?

The first of the Seven Spiritual Laws of Divorce, the Law of Acceptance, asks us to stand in just that place — everything is as it should be.

Most of us spend most of our lives wishing that people, places and things were different. We get caught up in an internal struggle against what is and, as a result, we live lives filled with fear, pain, and hopelessness. We get wrapped up in the drama, the story, the interpretations of the events and circumstances that surround our divorce.

Instead of getting attached to our version of events, reinforcing our storyline, feeding the drama of our circumstances, what if we accepted that there is more going on than we know?

In Spiritual Divorce, Debbie Ford writes about how, as a young adult, she suffered deeply from her parents’ divorce. Even after years of therapy, she couldn’t let go of the sadness, and she could see no reason for having to go through so much pain and loss.

Now, of course, from this vantage point, she’s able to see that the divorce in her family and her own divorce were necessary parts of her journey.

Your divorce holds lessons, wisdom, and gifts that will propel you to uncharted, unimagined territory — a life truly beyond your wildest dreams. The first step to getting there is to practice acceptance, to acknowledge what is true in your life with no story, no blame, and no drama.

Practicing acceptance, even of the worst circumstances, is a powerful life-changing tool that will shift a moment of suffering into a moment of peace.

Forty years ago, my mother got divorced at a time when women weren’t getting divorced. Her divorce propelled her to start and run her own business and find her beloved soul mate.

I too went through divorce, and it pushed me to write a book that became a best seller, to found a coaching institute and go out around the country as a speaker.

If you were going to use your divorce as a catalyst to create the most extraordinary life, what would that life look like?

How could you make your divorce the greatest thing to ever happen to you? This is what’s possible in a Spiritual Divorce.

A Spiritual Divorce is one in which we use our divorce to improve our lives and our experience becomes a gain instead of a loss. A Spiritual Divorce brings us back into the presence of our highest self and heals the split between our ego and our soul.

When we use our divorces to heal our wounds, to learn, grow and develop ourselves into more loving, conscious human beings, we have truly had a spiritual experience and a liberation of our souls. Rather than staying stuck in the pain of our broken hearts, a Spiritual Divorce causes us to reconnect to the highest aspects of our being.

It is here in the presence of our highest self that we can reclaim our power, our joy and the limitless freedom to create the life of our dreams.

If you’re going through a divorce right now, this may sound like a tall order, an impossible task.

You may be having the worst experience of your life and can’t even consider the possibility that your divorce could turn into something positive. Or you may be relieved to call it quits.

It is important to know that the breakdown of your relationship is for a greater purpose.