What have we learned about Pro Se divorce so far? Be organized, and learn your state divorce laws, rules of civil procedure, and all those ethics codes that dictate how judges and lawyers do business.

You know how to file the original petition for divorce and how to notify your husband. Now you are asking, “What is next?”

Next is the fun part.

It is time to roll up your sleeves, and learn the meaning of the word “endurance.” If you are a lucky litigant the judge will order mediation in your case. This is your opportunity to negotiate a settlement with your husband, which keeps you out of divorce court.

Below are a few tips for those who are able to go through the mediation process:

• For mediation to succeed you have to be willing to give as well as take.

• Familiar advice: there is no place for your emotions during mediation. Mediation is about deciding custody, visitation schedules, and splitting assets. Your emotions don’t play a role in the mediation process.

• Be willing to grin and bare it. You may no longer like the guy you married, but during the mediation process it is in your best interest to be civil toward him.

To begin the divorce process as a Pro Se litigant you will file an original petition for divorce with the local court clerk. The original petition for divorce is a document requesting that the court grant a divorce.

Filling out the petition for divorce:

If you are asking for the divorce (or “filing” for it) you are known as the “petitioner,” and your husband is known as the “respondent,” or “defendant.” When you petition the court for a divorce, you state the cause of your divorce. If you are filing for specific grounds make sure you don’t go into details.

Example: If your spouse has cheated on you, you should say, “Petitioner seeks divorce on the grounds of adultery” rather than, “Petitioner seeks divorce because my husband has been sleeping with another woman for six months.”

The court isn’t interested in whether or not you hate your husband, feel he should be stricken from the face of the earth, or any other emotions you may have. Keep your feelings to yourself.

I promise you, the judge who has to read your petition will appreciate it.

Information needed in the petition will vary, but most states require:

• Identification of the spouses by name and legal address.
• Date and place of marriage.
• Identification of children from the marriage, their names and ages.
• Proof that the petitioner and her husband have lived in the state or county for a certain length of time and have the right to file for divorce.
• Grounds.
• A statement on how the petitioner would like to settle finances, property division, child custody, child support, visitation, and other issues related to divorce.

Filing the petition for divorce:

The petition for divorce, along with two copies and the filing fee (the Clerk of Court will tell you want it is), are hand delivered or sent by certified mail to the local court clerk.

According to news reports this week, Britney Spears is planning to contest some of her divorce attorney’s legal fees, arguing that they are too high.

Whether you’re Britney Spears or Brittany Smith, divorce can be a costly venture – and being overcharged by a divorce attorney can be a real issue.

According to FWW’s Diana Mercer, a California attorney who specializes in mediation and is the author of “Your Divorce Advisor,” when clients feel they’ve been overcharged, the first step is to ask for an itemized billing and compare it against your own notes of phone calls, court dates, letters, and work you know the lawyer did.

“Your best action is to do this all along during the case,” she says. “Most attorneys bill you each month (and if they don’t, ask them to) so review your bill carefully each month and bring it to the attorney’s attention if you think you’re not getting good value for your money.”

Attorney Gregg Herman, the family chair of the American Bar Association, says that the client should also reflect on the conversations they have had with the lawyer.

“Good professional lawyers always assess the cost/benefit ratio to a client in recommending a particular course of action,” he says. “Ask to meet with your lawyer to discuss your concerns. Perhaps the lawyer can explain the bill to your satisfaction — or make an adjustment so that you are both comfortable with it.”

If talking with the attorney doesn’t give you the result you’d hoped for, you can ask the local bar association about its fee dispute mediation program.

If you plan to represent yourself in the divorce, or go Pro Se, you will have to be organized, know your state laws, get acquainted with your court clerk, and know your state’s rules of behavior for attorneys and judges.

Divorce is an emotional and legal event. If you have an attorney representing you, you are free to focus on the emotional aspect of your divorce. If you are representing yourself, it’s up to you to deal with both the emotional and legal aspects. To be successful as a Pro Se litigant you need to put your emotions on the back burner.

The best way to stay focused and protect your legal rights is organization and preparation.

Organization:

Knowledge will be your best friend; organization will be your second-best friend. The Pro Se litigant will accumulate a mountain of paperwork through legal research and court filings. Being organized will help you stay focused and will save time and energy.

• Purchase file folders and a filing cabinet to be used before, during, and after the divorce process.

• When doing research on state divorce laws and civil procedure, print out what you find and file it away in it’s own folder. It is reference material and you want it handy.

• Have a separate file for every document you file with the courts. In that file keep the original and a copy that is stamped by the court clerk with the court stamp and dates the document was filed.

• Keep a written log of everyone you speak with, the date you speak with them and the issue discussed. It will be a quick reference that will keep you from having to spend valuable time looking back through files.

Preparation:

Pro Se is Latin for "for himself" or "on one's own behalf." A person who represents him- or herself in court, without the help of a lawyer, is said to appear pro se.

The decision to get divorced can be difficult. You will be concerned about starting over, your children and of course, money. Money or lack thereof is one of the main reasons a person may choose to go Pro Se and represent herself during the legal process of divorce.

If you can’t afford an attorney, this articles, and the two that will follow, are for you. This is a comprehensive, step-by-step guide for anyone who needs or wants to represent herself and become a Pro Se litigant in divorce court.

Before jumping into the how-to’s of the Pro Se process it’s important to talk about the level of commitment it takes to represent yourself. Not everyone is equipped to go Pro Se. You need to be resilient and tenacious.

You will also have to:

• Deal with unexpected injustices and indignities. You will be exposed to nonsense that you would never expect in a court of law. You will meet people who will stare you in the face and lie under oath. You must be able to stare back at the nonsense and injustice and keep your cool while defending yourself and your position. Keep your outrage and anger to yourself and always respond to the indignities in a dignified manner.

• Write and speak accurately and precisely. When dealing with court documents and speaking in a courtroom setting it doesn’t matter what you intended to say. What matters is that you write and say what you mean…specifically. You want to write and speak literally and leave emotions out of the equation.

Here are my answers to questions posted by firstwivesworld.com bloggers:

Question: Can an agreement reached in Mediation be re-negotiated at a later date? Do both parties have to return to the table?

Answer: An agreement signed in a divorce settlement is a binding contract. It can always be changed if both of you agree that it should be changed, and how. Then (in NY, at least) you can amend the agreement by signing a summary of the changes before a notary public.

If you are not both in agreement, then the terms of the original agreement will determine what your obligations are. If one of you feels strongly that the agreement is no longer working, you can always come back to mediation to discuss the problems.

Question: About how many sessions does it take for most couples to reach an agreement in mediation?

Answer: The majority of couples who have mediated divorces have around 2 - 4 mediation sessions. Although that seems surprisingly short to many people, once we get an overview of your situation, and begin to clearly define and understand the precise points on which there is disagreement—and why—things begin to fall into place; and the resolution creates some momentum, which can create additional goodwill, and cause more solutions to emerge.

Question: My soon-to-be ex and I are interested in mediation, and I think we have each other's best interest in mind enough to be successful. But I'm afraid once we actually get into the nitty-gritty, things could get ugly and take ages to resolve. How does a mediator determine if a couple just isn't suitable for mediation, and how long could it take them to determine that?

Answer: This question requires a 3 part answer.

This one is a pop fly: during the Little League season, one mother is worried that her ex-husband makes their son nervous during the games. Under Little League rules this is the last year their son, who is turning 13, can compete. Mom thinks that Dad puts too much pressure on him.

She asks: “If my son is with me that weekend, and he is playing baseball, does my ex have a right to be there, even though it isn’t his weekend?"

Terry Ross, a partner at Silberberg & Ross, LLP in California, says, “Yes, by all means.

The father is allowed to attend a child's events. It shows that he is trying to share in the responsibility of raising the child.”

Ms. Ross added, "Normally the only time a parent is not allowed to attend such events is if there is a restraining order against them." but that is in extreme cases.

David Young, a former Circuit Judge in Miami-Dade County, concurred: “Unless there is a ‘stay away order,’ parents are encouraged to attend their children's events, as it shows interest in the child's upbringing.’’ A stay-away order, it needn’t be said, does not involve a father making a child nervous and putting pressure on him. It’s for serious threats or dangers to the child.

Believe us, it’s not unusual for a father to make a son nervous. And, possibly, you may be the one making your son nervous; has he overheard you saying things about not wanting his father to be there?

Remember also that your son is no doubt putting plenty of pressure on himself; he wants to please you both.

But, if your ex show ups and makes a scene, running out on the field, screaming at the referees, and misbehaving in general — more than the other dads — that’s another matter.

If he does, he should be strongly discouraged from attending. Nervous is one thing, embarrassed is another.

Before the evaluator comes to visit, parents should do a safety check and make necessary adjustments. The home does not have to be spotless, but sheets should be on the beds. Odors from cigarettes, trash, pets, and diapers should be minimized.

• A wide variety of fresh and healthy food should be in the refrigerator and cupboards. Everyone who lives in the home should be present for the interview.

•Anyone who is a frequent visitor to the home may be there at the beginning but should also be prepared to leave approximately ten minutes after the evaluator's arrival.

•The television should be turned off as soon as the evaluator arrives.

•The evaluator should not be offered anything but a glass of water.

•Let the evaluator choose where to sit and where to talk to household members individually and as a group.

• Inform the evaluator in advance if a household member needs to be seen first because of a work or school commitment.

When the evaluator asks for references or a witness list, the parent should be prepared with names, addresses, telephone and fax numbers, as well as the best time and way to reach them. (The parent should also speak with the references in advance.)

Put the reference into the time line of your story to give the evaluator some perspective on when and how long the reference has known the family.

Choose references, including family members, who can corroborate the parenting-plan history as well as a parent's good character.

Be wary of references who fail to back up your claims, who barely know you, or who hasn’t observed you being a parent.

The evaluator's confidential report must be filed with the court and served on the parties or their attorneys at least ten days before the custody hearing.

It will be used as evidence at the hearing but is technically not binding on the court.

If this is Tuesday it must be the Cote d'Azure. How should an ex-wife feel when a husband is taking two young children on a grand tour of Europe? A reader asks "Do I have a right to ask for an itinerary, and phone numbers for hotels, when he's dragging them across Europe? The kids are 9 and 10, two boys, and I can't imagine they are going to be very happy."

It's up to the ex-husband to deal with two unhappy boys. As for the rest of the question, about your right to an itinerary:

"Absolutely!" said Susan Reach Winters, an attorney at Budd Larner, P.C., in New Jersey. "You have every right to know where your children are, especially for emergency situations." Moreover, if you feel your ex is taking the children on something dangerous, or something you do not approve of, you may "need to go to court," she said.

"Day trips? Not so much. But longer trips, yes," said Jacalyn Barnett, whose law offices are in New York.

"When a parent asks for an itinerary for an extended trip the child is taking with the other parent, it shows the child that the parent loves them enough to want to know their whereabouts," says David Young, a former Circuit Court judge in Miami-Dade County.

It is best, the lawyers say, if guidelines for situations like these are laid down in the divorce and custody agreement. Every divorce is different, but itís important to focus on the needs of the child and not fall victim to revenge.

If you keep your children from speaking to their father, you are making them casualties in your battle with your ex. There are instances where a parent will call too much, and that is also interfering with the other parentís right to have private time with the child.

Either way, the child is hurt.

Custody mediation can be a dress rehearsal for a court-ordered child-custody evaluation, because if the case is not settled in mediation, an evaluation could be next. Mediation can help parents dig themselves out of entrenched positions, get them to evaluate their goals, and help them develop a child-centered parenting plan that will promote the best interests of their children.

The mediator's job is to reduce acrimony and get the parties to agree to a custody and visitation arrangement. If that process comes to a halt, they can at least prepare the parents for what an evaluator will want to know.

An evaluator in the State of California, where we work, will want to hear about the parental history: when the parents met, when the parents' relationship became serious, when the parents began living together, when the parents got married, when the parents first separated, the total number of separations, the date of the last separation, and whether and when couples or family counseling was ever done.

The evaluator will also ask about grandparents, the parents’ siblings, extended family. And about any other minor children in the households. The mediator will definitely ask about the parents’ drug and alcohol history, and if there is any history of domestic abuse.

And then the evaluator will ask how the parents shared custody during the separation. And what current parenting plan they are using.

Here are the red flags that an evaluator will be looking for: