My college boyfriend gave me a collection of books written by Ayn Rand. One of the books was titled The Virtues of Selfishness. I remember shuddering when I read that title. I wondered to myself how there could be any virtue at all in selfishness. Why would I want to read a book about disregarding the well-being of others in favor of my own well-being?

In my mind, a selfish person was someone who took care of herself first, be damned what that meant to others. A lout who is oblivious to the needs of others and the negative consequences of her "selfishness." Nah, I had no use for a book that thought someone of that character was virtuous in anyway.

Then one day I picked up the book and read the introduction in which Rand wrote, "the exact meaning of selfishness is concern with one's own interests. Rand argued that a "virtue is an action by which one secures and protects one's rational values, ultimately, one's life and happiness. Since a concern with one's own interests is a character trait that, when translated into action, enables one to achieve and guard one's own well-being, it follows that selfishness is a virtue. One must manifest a serious concern for one's own interests if one is to lead a healthy, purposeful, fulfilling life."

While reading the book, I became more and more aware that by being selfish enough to make sure that we are leading "healthy, purposeful, fulfilling" lives we are taking care of our moral obligation to care for and love those who have expectations of us. I learned a lot from Rand's book. I haven't always put into practice what I learned. Being a divorced, single mother puts a person in a situation where it can be hard to cultivate selfishness. So, when you read this article, know that I'm not only writing it for you but as a reminder to myself.

In my last article, I wrote about things to consider before making the decision to divorce. This article deals with accepting and recognizing when it is time to "throw in the towel." Below are a few signs that you are dealing with a marriage that has gone past the point of saving...in my opinion.

Are you to the point that your spouse just can't do anything right, does everything they do get under your skin?

Shortly before my Aunt and Uncle divorced, I heard her say, "If he died tomorrow I'd have to peel an onion before I could shed a tear." Their marriage had gone on way too long. So long that she had developed feelings of animosity toward her husband. If you feel yourself moving in that direction, do yourself and him a favor and move on.

Are you tired of the trying, so tired you can't muster of the energy to even engage anymore?

Trying to solve marital problems can turn into a cycle of the wife trying to get her needs met and the husband stonewalling or dismissing her. A woman will normally try to re-engage her husband. Women are natural problem solvers who don't give up easily. She will eventually tire of trying to engage her husband in finding solutions to the marital problems. She will withdraw, stop expressing her needs; and once this happens, the marriage is headed for separation or divorce.

Does the idea of sex with your spouse cause you to shudder?

Are you like Megan, one of First Wives World's Community Bloggers? Does the idea of sex with your husband cause you to feel trapped, like you want to cry, pack your bags and never come back? If so, it is time to act on your feelings.

Has the love you felt been replaced by resentment?

Are you thinking about divorce? The decision to divorce is critical, with consequences that can last a lifetime. It is a step that should be thoroughly thought out before taken.

Below are questions you should ask yourself before making the decision to divorce.

Is there still an emotional connection?

Have your feelings for your husband faded or are you frustrated over marital problems that seem insurmountable? If there are still feelings of love, you should work on the marriage before deciding to divorce. Don't allow feelings of frustration to cause you to make a choice you will later regret. If there is love left, seeking to solve problems with a marriage counselor could put the brakes on a divorce you didn't want in the first place.

Is your desire to divorce based on an emotional reaction or true self-awareness?

A true desire for divorce means letting go of any emotional attachments you have to your husband, the good ones and the bad ones. Making the decision to divorce at a time when you are overwhelmed with emotions won't solve problems. It will generate more problems and compound hurtful feelings and frustrations.

Being able to view your husband as an individual who deserves your respect during the transition of divorce is imperative. If you can't do this, the divorce process will be riddled with anger and conflict. Divorce is not an opportunity to point fingers and blame. It is the opportunity to move on and rebuild your life. The more negative your emotions toward your husband, the harder the process of rebuilding will be.

Is it a divorce you want, or a change in marital dynamics?

Life challenges such as divorce have a way of dimming our spirit. We can go from feeling like a 100-watt bulb to a flickering 60-watt bulb. Worse yet, if adversity is not properly dealt with, we can eventually burn out and find ourselves feeling powerless. That little light that was your spirit just won't shine anymore.

So, what you ask, is the proper way to deal with and view adversity. How do we keep our spirit from growing dim and losing power during difficult times? We all go through adversity; the trick is how to get through adversity without adversity getting the best of us.

Thriving and growing through times of adversity depends on how you view adversity, the attitude you have toward it, and how willing you are to actively work through it. Over time, as I assessed what I have learned and how I have grown through the years, I have come up with a few survival strategies that I feel help me through hard times. They are:

1. Having a Proper Attitude:

I've said before that I don't believe what happens to us is important. It is how we respond to what happens to us that is key to spiritual and physical survival. If you are the type to make a mountain out of a molehill then you are going to have to deal with a mountain instead of a molehill. In other words, our problems are as big as we allow them to become.

Next time you are struggling with a problem, try to bring it and what it means for your life into proper perspective. It may seem huge and insurmountable to you, but is it really? Is it going to mean physical injury, are you going to be burned at the stake, or lose everything you have? When we are consumed with our own problems, we may believe they are the worst in the universe. The truth is, they are not. They may be of supreme importance to us, but if you look around, you can always find someone with worse problems that yours.

2. Develop Patience:

It is an easy concept, but some have a hard time coming to terms with it. It is pretty basic — when we find ourselves in a bad place, the quickest way to change our situation is to look at our actions and what role our actions played in bringing about our problems.

Your life is your responsibility. You have no control over what happens to you or what someone else does to you, but you do have control over the way you respond. When faced with the end of a marriage, you have a choice. You can get bogged down in blame and bitterness, or you can take an honest inventory of your own shortcomings and mistakes during the marriage.

You can choose to be angry with a husband who leaves you for another woman, or you can look at what kind of wife you were. Let's face it, we are none perfect. You aren't responsible for your husband's choice to leave, but you may have played a role in his feeling he had no choice but to leave. It truly does take two to destroy a marriage. A happy husband doesn't leave for another woman. Before you get all red in the face and spew venom at me, let me qualify what I'm saying.

An unhappy husband is just as responsible for his actions and his happiness as his left-behind wife. If he was unhappy during the marriage, it was his responsibility to take inventory, identify the behaviors and beliefs that he had that kept him from being happy. Leaving for another woman doesn't show integrity, it shows cowardice and an unwillingness to take responsibility for his own happiness.

Both parties to the divorce played a role in the demise of the marriage. Both need to own and take responsibility for the role they played in the demise. You can both point fingers or you can take responsibility. Until you are willing to take responsibility for the mistakes you made and the role you played, you will take the same behaviors into your next relationship.

I have a forum at my About.com site. One of our regular posters is just beginning the divorce process. He and his wife are still living in the same home, so he is very new to the legal, emotional, and financial aspects of divorce. He is also of the opinion that all the marital problems are his wife's fault. In his mind, he had nothing to do with the demise of the marriage, and the blame is laid squarely at her feet.

Recently he posted and asked for opinions about online dating. It seems that this man (who still lives with his wife, is angry as hell over her shortcomings, and wrapped around the axle over what this divorce is going to cost him) is ready to date. No, not ready to date, but wants to date...God help the woman who becomes involved.

One young woman responded and told him that another woman could "lighten" things up a bit. She described herself as an "open and positive" person who didn't believe in waiting until the dust settles. No navel gazing for her, no sir — her and her problems are going to move on to the next relationship, and she will do it in an open and positive way.

I read responses from people with this attitude and I don't have to wonder why the divorce rate for second marriages is higher than for first marriages. How can you expect to succeed the second time around if you don't deal with issues that caused problems the first time around?

Before my divorce, I was not a very open person. In other words, I had very little interest in new experiences and I rarely thought “outside the box” that was my world. I liked tradition and predictability and didn’t like anyone messing with the life I had built for myself and my family.

Needless to say, I had a hard time accepting and healing from my divorce. The less open a person is to change and thinking “outside the box”, the more difficult they will find it to adjust when someone screws with the life they have designed for themselves. In this article I want to share with you things I’ve learned over the years that will help you become more open and accepting of change, whether that change is of your choosing or not.

Try Something New

You may feel as if something new has been forced upon you and the last thing you need is “something new.” You are wrong, though. Now is the time to become an explorer. Your life is in transition, like it or not, so you may as well take control of where you will end up by being open to all possibilities. Do something you’ve always wanted to do but never thought yourself capable. You are both capable of doing it and enjoying it.

Learn To Give And Take

Let go of your inflexibility. People who are not open to change are generally inflexible toward others and their differences. If your ex has turned into someone you no longer know, instead of doing battle with him on every issue, become more flexible…willing to give and take. Be open to suggestions, willing to consider and deal with something that would usually cause you discomfort. Being flexible will make others more likely to give in when an issue is really important to you.

Take Stock Of What You Are Missing

Recently I’ve had death on my mind. Thanks to Wanda and her post about The Fantasy of an Untimely Death. After reading the post, I had to wonder what would Wanda’s life be like if her marriage had ended with her husband’s death instead of divorce. She suffered the loss of her spouse and marriage, but society’s attitude toward a woman who loses everything due to divorce is far different from a woman who loses a spouse to death.

Most of my clients are women whose husbands have left them for a younger woman or a better life. Just as a woman who loses a spouse to death, my clients had no control over the loss of their husbands and the lives they had built as a couple. Yet, society has granted the widow all the dignity of her position. There are funeral rituals, she can claim all her husband’s assets and is showered with sympathy and concern for her loss.

On the other hand, the divorcee and her loss are devalued by the legal system, society and, when you need them most, friends and family. The victim of an unwanted divorce doesn’t hold the same status as a widow because their ex spouse is still alive. The knowledge that a spouse is still alive is cold comfort when you have to live daily knowing he has chosen to live elsewhere. Not that I don’t sympathize with anyone who loses a spouse to death, but at least they know their spouse would have stayed if given the opportunity. They don’t have to live with the fact that their spouse is dead to them because he chose to be dead to them.

Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away. —Barbara de Angelis

Each day begins early for me. Once I'm up, I spend time with my oldest as he gets ready for work. I've found our relationship is at its sweetest first thing every morning when the day is new and we're both feeling refreshed from a good night's sleep. I then spent time with my youngest as he gets ready and off to school. He is 16 and full of teenage angst, so making that relationship sweet requires effort. That effort can be tiring, but it is always rewarded with a hug and an "I love you mom" before he leaves the house.

I then spend time with myself. I have my isolation corner in which a favorite book, a writing journal, my watercolor pencils, pad, and my flavor-of-the-week candle surround me. I let go of any longing for human interaction and I connect with my inner self. Doing so enables me to reflect on the day ahead. For me that time alone every morning is essential if I'm going live the day ahead with purpose. It is a time of contemplation for me; it has become as important as the food I eat and the oxygen I breathe.

When I tell other women about my hour of self-imposed isolation, they seem to become anxious. Some feel that the desire to be alone, without the company of others, is unnatural and maybe even too self-indulgent. I've had women tell me they could never choose to take an hour of isolation because they have too many responsibilities. They need to fill that hour up taking care of other things or other people rather than taking care of themselves.

Here is some good news...orgasms relieve stress! If you are feeling stressed-out and overwhelmed, a good roll in the hay might be just what you need. Then again, if you're divorced, raising children, working full time and up to your knees in laundry, an orgasm may be the last thing on your mind.

If you're too stressed-out to focus on sex and the only sex organ you've come into contact with for months is your own, I've got some tips for you—tips that will at least get you thinking about sex and hopefully jump-start that libido you've put on the backburner. Try a couple of these tips and I promise your motor will be humming again in no time. All you will need is a partner and, as we all know, those are easy to come by.

Think about sex. Think about it for more than a few seconds. Dive feet-first into delicious sexual fantasy. The great thing about fantasy is you can have sex with anyone you want and do anything you desire. So, pick someone who floats your boat, let him into your brain, and let the good times roll.

Practice Kegel exercises. You know what Kegels are -- they're the squeezing exercises your doctor told you to do after pregnancy. What your doctor probably didn't tell you is that they're also great for strengthening the pubococcygeus muscle, essential for orgasm. To do Kegels, take note of the muscle you use to stop urinary flow, then practice contracting that muscle, then gradually releasing it. Work up to 20 contractions three times a day.