Divorce triggers a huge range of emotions, but it is also the catalyst for a number of life changes! We can't stop the pain, the emotions, and the life changes from happening, but we can change how we deal with them.

When I was going through my divorce, like so many, I had to move and sell a house that I had built, the home in which my children grew up.

It was far too big and, after 10 years, things were breaking down. Paying bill after bill made me financially fearful.

I did not want to be house poor, but letting go of the house was harder than letting go of my husband, since the house represented my “white picket fence” dream.

I tried hard to hold on. I didn’t want to experience the pain of moving.

I was afraid of change.

I believed that if I could just control the situation and keep things “as is,” I would be OK.

I thought my resistance to selling my house was protecting me, but instead it locked me into the pain and it kept me mired in the circumstances I most disliked.

What if your life, as it is right now, is perfectly designed to support you in moving to the next and greatest expression of yourself?

What if everything happening at this moment is perfect for you, and will deliver you the life of your dreams?

What if there are no accidents and no coincidences?

Looking through those eyes, would you feel any differently about your divorce?

The first of the Seven Spiritual Laws of Divorce, the Law of Acceptance, asks us to stand in just that place — everything is as it should be.

Most of us spend most of our lives wishing that people, places and things were different. We get caught up in an internal struggle against what is and, as a result, we live lives filled with fear, pain, and hopelessness. We get wrapped up in the drama, the story, the interpretations of the events and circumstances that surround our divorce.

Instead of getting attached to our version of events, reinforcing our storyline, feeding the drama of our circumstances, what if we accepted that there is more going on than we know?

In Spiritual Divorce, Debbie Ford writes about how, as a young adult, she suffered deeply from her parents’ divorce. Even after years of therapy, she couldn’t let go of the sadness, and she could see no reason for having to go through so much pain and loss.

Now, of course, from this vantage point, she’s able to see that the divorce in her family and her own divorce were necessary parts of her journey.

Your divorce holds lessons, wisdom, and gifts that will propel you to uncharted, unimagined territory — a life truly beyond your wildest dreams. The first step to getting there is to practice acceptance, to acknowledge what is true in your life with no story, no blame, and no drama.

Practicing acceptance, even of the worst circumstances, is a powerful life-changing tool that will shift a moment of suffering into a moment of peace.

Forty years ago, my mother got divorced at a time when women weren’t getting divorced. Her divorce propelled her to start and run her own business and find her beloved soul mate.

I too went through divorce, and it pushed me to write a book that became a best seller, to found a coaching institute and go out around the country as a speaker.

If you were going to use your divorce as a catalyst to create the most extraordinary life, what would that life look like?

How could you make your divorce the greatest thing to ever happen to you? This is what’s possible in a Spiritual Divorce.

A Spiritual Divorce is one in which we use our divorce to improve our lives and our experience becomes a gain instead of a loss. A Spiritual Divorce brings us back into the presence of our highest self and heals the split between our ego and our soul.

When we use our divorces to heal our wounds, to learn, grow and develop ourselves into more loving, conscious human beings, we have truly had a spiritual experience and a liberation of our souls. Rather than staying stuck in the pain of our broken hearts, a Spiritual Divorce causes us to reconnect to the highest aspects of our being.

It is here in the presence of our highest self that we can reclaim our power, our joy and the limitless freedom to create the life of our dreams.

If you’re going through a divorce right now, this may sound like a tall order, an impossible task.

You may be having the worst experience of your life and can’t even consider the possibility that your divorce could turn into something positive. Or you may be relieved to call it quits.

It is important to know that the breakdown of your relationship is for a greater purpose.

After a divorce or any life changing event, we reevaluate . . .our lives, our relationships, our history. While the process is integral to your sanity, it's often uncharted, uncomfortable territory. But I found a hobby that makes the healing a whole lot happier.

Scrapbooking.

Yep. That Martha-Stewart-esque-photo-cut-and-paste pastime. It's a downright fun way to organize and make sense of the feelings and memories in your head.

Pull out that box of photos in the attic. Get some adhesive (glue stick is fine) and scrapbook paper at any local craft store. Put the photos on the paper and write down on the paper what the photos contain and your thoughts and memories of those points in history. In the process of remembering and writing it down, a miraculous thing begins to happen. You begin to heal your thoughts, your heart, your soul.

It's the combination of the photos and the journaling that does it. Writing alone, does not remind you of all the parts of yourself the way contemplating a photo does. Writing and making art around those photos, even the simplest kind of art, is altogether healing. It's more powerful than any psychiatrist's couch.

And ninety-eight percent of scrapbookers are women. Much like the quilting circles of generations ago, scrapbook "crops" are weekly events where women gather to work on their craft while sharing the ups and downs, sorrows and joys of their daily lives. Just gathering in a community of women regularly makes scrapbooking a strengthening experience. Throw in the actual process of "scrapping," and you have the means to heal your life.

I have a saying, "Scrap strong sistah." It means scrapbook your life fearlessly. Uncover and discover yourself. Reclaim those parts of yourself you forgot. Venture backwards to conquer going forward. And make some really good art in the process.

Scrap strong sistah. Scrap strong.

Every woman who has gone through a divorce knows it can be lonelier in the wrong relationship than it would to be single.

Being without a man is really not the survival test it is made out to be. Instead, when single, you can are in control and can enjoy the luxury of managing your own world. The whole universe your oyster!

As a single woman you have so many distinct, delicious possibilities to explore — far more than someone who's married. Seize the day. For now, your life gets to be all about you — you your attention can be directed at your desires rather than subject to the whim of a protesting partner.

You can focus on making sure that your working life works for you. You have the time to search for the right job, and then to concentrate on excelling in it. You have the sole say as to how you spend the disposable that is a product of your labor! There is no other half complaining you should be spending money on new wall paint rather than a new nail polish.

You can get the body you want — no one is pressurizing you to keep up with their penchant for calorific takeouts. Take this opportunity to gain control over your habits. You can decide how to spend your free time without fear that it will conflict with anyone else's agenda. At a moment's notice you can take a trip to the gym... or enjoy a quiet night in under the covers with an eye mask and large tub of Ben & Jerry's!

You are in the driving seat of your destiny — and the type of vehicle you motor around in. Who said that a pink mini-cooper was not a sensible car? Home is your domain — if you want, you can take pride in it and perfectly feng shui your pad without fear of a smelly soccer equipment voiding its vibe. And its location is YOUR choice. You can go for a shoebox with a fabulous location if you want — there's no one complaining about the lack of outdoor space for BBQ'ing.

Women are hesitant and afraid to use the one word that frees them, honors them, earns them respect and gets them what they want. It’s a word too many of us think of as negative, but once uttered in the tug of war that is divorce, is extraordinarily satisfying. You will come to use with increasing frequency and cherish, once you master the skill of saying NO.

In her book, The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It—and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever (McGraw-Hill), Dr. Susan Newman, a social psychologist and author tells us how to get over the hump of being agreeable and why we should. She talks about her own divorce and how the word NO changed her life.

You’ll want to start flexing your NO-muscle to begin to feel truly liberated. Here are five basic steps from The Book of NO to get you started:

1. Make a list of your yeses over the period of a week. — One request could send you into a tailspin, while it might take four or more to set off someone else. The real gauge is how pressured, tight for time, or resentful you feel.

2. Pay attention to how you parcel out your time. — When your time is well managed, you’ll keep some in reserve for what’s most important to you.

3. Get your priorities straight. — Who has first crack at you without your feeling burdened or anxious?

4. Know your limits or start to define them if you don’t know what they are. — They can be emotional or physical or both, but there’s a point at which your line is crossed. How long are you willing to put up with your ex’s or soon-to-be ex’s demands?

I get a lot of reader mail at FocusOnStyle.com — I think that I was born giving advice, but it’s well over a decade that I’ve been problem-solving professionally, and add another one to being in the fashion biz. So when it comes to pining away on dress dilemmas, I probably have heard (almost) everything, and seen plenty, including some bouts of male fraud.

But what about you, the dress distressed divorced diva? It’s been some time since you last went on a first date or that you even attempted to see what’s out there in Guyville. Can it still be that nerve-wrecking to decide about what to wear on a date? You betcha. But it doesn’t have to.

Going on a date can be scary enough when you’re a little rusty. Add the pressure of being judged by your outfit, and most of us can stymie ourselves into a night of indecision, droopy sweats, some takeout Chinese, and a very close relationship with the remote control. Stop. Get out of the house and learn to look like the smart vamp that you are!

If spending time with a new man still gives you reason for acid reflux, start practicing. Understand the value of male friends — gay, straight, young, or old — to take the edge off thinking every date is a potential Mr. Maybe and to help you to be more at ease with male company. Then get yourself some good lingerie — everything from lacy and risqué to body shapers that give you a boost. Toss out all the undies that once shared a home with Ex-Man and start fresh, from the inside out

Most newly divorced divas fall into four types when it comes to perfecting a date-friendly wardrobe:

1) Close to You — You never lost your sense of style, but divorce certainly chipped away at your self-confidence. You need to know that you do have that extra sizzle to make heads turn by taking your style up a notch.

Your marriage was not a mistake. It was a collection of gifts and lessons. You can stay stuck in bitterness. But imagine the possibilities when you look at the end of your marriage as an open door, rather than a void.

What you need is a divorce agreement — not for you and your ex — for yourself. It doesn't replaceme your original decree; it's a healing tool to end your relationship on an emotional level. The good news is you don't need lawyers. And you can make it binding just by making the decision to become a stronger woman, not in spite of, but because of your divorce.

Here's how it works:  

1) Make a list of all the ways you grew or benefited from the marriage and relationship.

• I learned to play the flute, enjoy camping and appreciate football.

• I can now multi-task in ways I never imagined — scramble eggs, do laundry and vacuum at the same time!

• Leave no skill unturned and try to think of as many positive things as possible that would not have happened if you had not been in the marriage.

Note all the new opportunities big and small that will come to you as a result of the divorce.

• Now that I am on my own, I have the opportunity to sleep in my favorite pajamas, watch "chick flicks" on the weekends and slurp my spaghetti.

• I will have time to take pottery classes, work out at the gym and go to happy hour with friends.

• Finally, I can get a puppy or a cat and redecorate with flowery throw pillows and frilly collectibles.

Express gratitude for the relationship. It may seem difficult, if not impossible. But there is always a gift to be found underneath the pain you are feeling.

• I am thankful for the good memories that were shared.

• I am grateful for my beautiful children.

• I appreciate having had the opportunity to travel or pursue some of my passions.

In last week's article, I talked about selfishness, getting our needs met and how important that is to living a healthy, purposeful, fulfilling life. This week I'll go over the steps we need to take to make sure we are cultivating a healthy level of selfishness. Selfishness that maximizes the value of our interactions with others and at the same time keeps us from sacrificing ourselves to the needs of others.

Step One:

Saying no...this is important because it is easy to create stress in our lives if we don't turn down requests for our time and talents. Saying no is one of those selfish acts that we should cultivate. It may be the most beneficial thing we can do for ourselves. When we say no, we will be able to spend quality time on those things that bring us happiness instead of stress.

Saying no helps us prioritize the things that are important to us. By saying no, we gain time that we can commit to the things we really want to do. Things like spending more quality time with our children, or getting together with friends for drinks and a night out. Let go of the things you feel obligated to do in favor of things you feel a desire to do. Just say, No, Nope, Nah!

My dear friend and running partner is a riot. One morning we are taking our usual run and I am complaining about the air quality in Los Angeles. She has zero tolerance for complaining about things we are essentially powerless over and quips, "oh please, people are coming of age in Hanoi". It put it all in perspective.

Your divorce and life right now has to be put into perspective as well. Of course your marriage did not turn out like you expected and you are disappointed. But if you keep it in perspective you might discover you have a better situation than many.

On my down days, I never compare my life to my happily married, financially secure friends, but to my friends who never got married or who had children through donor sperm. I appreciate that my ex spends time with the children and gives me a break. Granted, he is dating and having more fun than I am, but I know that will come for me too.

All of you have something that you can be grateful for during the tough times. Focus on those things and keeps things in perspective until the feelings pass. I have a friend who was married to a successful man and had three beautiful children with him. She loved her life and felt very happy until her husband came home and said he was leaving her for his secretary. She has been very depressed and stressed out and complains a lot. I found myself feeling judgment toward her and asked her more about the marriage and divorce.