If this is Tuesday it must be the Cote d'Azure. How should an ex-wife feel when a husband is taking two young children on a grand tour of Europe? A reader asks "Do I have a right to ask for an itinerary, and phone numbers for hotels, when he's dragging them across Europe? The kids are 9 and 10, two boys, and I can't imagine they are going to be very happy."

It's up to the ex-husband to deal with two unhappy boys. As for the rest of the question, about your right to an itinerary:

"Absolutely!" said Susan Reach Winters, an attorney at Budd Larner, P.C., in New Jersey. "You have every right to know where your children are, especially for emergency situations." Moreover, if you feel your ex is taking the children on something dangerous, or something you do not approve of, you may ìneed to go to court," she said.

"Day trips? Not so much. But longer trips, yes," said Jacalyn Barnett, whose law offices are in New York.

"When a parent asks for an itinerary for an extended trip the child is taking with the other parent, it shows the child that the parent loves them enough to want to know their whereabouts," says David Young, a former Circuit Court judge in Miami-Dade County.

It is best, the lawyers say, if guidelines for situations like these are laid down in the divorce and custody agreement. Every divorce is different, but itís important to focus on the needs of the child and not fall victim to revenge.

If you keep your children from speaking to their father, you are making them casualties in your battle with your ex. There are instances where a parent will call too much, and that is also interfering with the other parentís right to have private time with the child.

Either way, the child is hurt.

Custody mediation can be a dress rehearsal for a court-ordered child-custody evaluation, because if the case is not settled in mediation, an evaluation could be next. Mediation can help parents dig themselves out of entrenched positions, get them to evaluate their goals, and help them develop a child-centered parenting plan that will promote the best interests of their children.

The mediator's job is to reduce acrimony and get the parties to agree to a custody and visitation arrangement. If that process comes to a halt, they can at least prepare the parents for what an evaluator will want to know.

An evaluator in the State of California, where we work, will want to hear about the parental history: when the parents met, when the parents' relationship became serious, when the parents began living together, when the parents got married, when the parents first separated, the total number of separations, the date of the last separation, and whether and when couples or family counseling was ever done.

The evaluator will also ask about grandparents, the parents’ siblings, extended family. And about any other minor children in the households. The mediator will definitely ask about the parents’ drug and alcohol history, and if there is any history of domestic abuse.

And then the evaluator will ask how the parents shared custody during the separation. And what current parenting plan they are using.

Here are the red flags that an evaluator will be looking for:

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Recently a member on our site asked, "If I take the kids on vacation is my ex allowed to contact them via email, phone or text?" The only time she got peace, she said, was when they were on a boat and out of cell phone range.

Every state has different laws, but they all look out for the best interest of the child.

Lynne Strober, an attorney at Mandelbaum, Salsburg, Gold, Lazris & Discenza in New Jersey, says, "Your ex has every right to speak with his children daily and have what is called reasonable contact."

But Ms. Strober has seen a parent abuse this rule.

"There was a case where the mother was much closer to the child than the father and she would constantly call the child, poisoning the child's mind against the father, and would blatantly try to interfere with the father's allotted time."

Jacalyn Barnett Esq., who practices in New York, remembers a case where the father tried to speak with his child on a daily basis, but the mother would stand in the way. She would give flimsy excuses: the child was "in the tub," or just "not available." That was also determined to prevent the father from having reasonable contact.

Situations like this can usually be resolved through an agreement between the parents that the children are allowed, say, 30 minutes a day to speak with the other parent.

In most situations, Barnett and Strober say that such an issue can be sewn up by the parents through open communication, or in worse cases with the help of lawyers or an arbitrator. It is rarely an issue that makes it all the way to the courtroom.

Have you tried to reach your attorney and he or she won’t come to the phone? Are you not sure you attorney is representing your best interests? Sometimes the only course is to divorce your divorce attorney.

Here are five reasons to do it:

• Personality Clash. Maybe your attorney’s brutal aggression and blunt attitude was exciting when you met, but now that the whip’s been turned on you, it doesn’t feel so good. Plus, your attorney is making your husband’s attorney angry, turning the judge against you, and making the whole case run on and on. You just don’t like your attorney and don’t want to work another day with him or her.

• Mishandling the Case. You’ve gotten a second and third opinion on your case and have discovered new strategies and cost-saving ideas that your current attorney ignores. You don’t want to waste another minute or dime hitting dead ends.

• The Never-ending Case. The divorce negotiations were moving along fine, but now, things are stuck. You can’t get a straight answer from your attorney about what’s holding things up, and that’s if you can get a call through. You think your case has been pushed to the side and, at this point, you’d rather find a new attorney, go to a mediator, or handle the case yourself, pro se, rather than pay this attorney for nothing.

• Too Much Money. Your attorney gave you an original estimate that now seems like a walk in the park. Costs have doubled (while the case is going as predicted) and your wallet is being drained. When you ask for an explanation of charges, the answer doesn’t make sense.

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As men set their sights on women’s earnings, their entrepreneurial spirits, and sometimes, their celebrity value, women are increasingly finding the picture of so-called equality looking very strange. How is it that women increasingly are paying alimony?

Almost one in three married women makes more money than their spouses do. This economic statistic is certainly a factor why women increasingly are paying alimony.
However, in our society, women seem surprised to have to pay alimony even if they earn more.

This is because it is a fairly recent phenomenon in our legal courts. Secondly, for many women who are breadwinners (in a failed marriage), it’s not as if they ever expected to out earn their husbands, or do all of the heavy lifting in the family, or end up giving him spending money as you would do with a child. Women often feel cheated by the legal system because it is possible that they have to reward a sit at home bum.

The wife’s sense of being the victim is intensified when children are involved. Women share disproportionately the burden of money making, household chores, and child rearing. This is usually compounded by the lack of gratitude, appreciation, and emotional support a breadwinner is typically afforded by the household.

I have assisted many divorcing women who face the prospect of paying alimony. Our financial strategy is predicated upon her entire contribution to the family, including her spouse. Most importantly, they realize they are not an anomaly. They are freed of social stigma and part of a trend that is growing in ranks.

What's the first thing your girlfriends ask you when you meet that someone special, especially after going through a divorce? They typically ask you if you are emotionally compatible, spiritually compatible, or and/or physically compatible. But do they ever ask you if you are financially compatible? Probably not. This is incredibly ironic given that time and again money is cited as #1 cause of fights, #1 cause of divorce, and top source of general life stress. The reality is dealing with the subject right front can prevent a mountain of heartache down the road.

When you think your new relationship is heading to the next level (so not on date two but when discussing moving in or marriage) it's time to "get financially naked" with each other. Our point is that if you are willing to take your clothes off with someone in one way you should be willing to take your clothes off with them financially as well. Specifically we recommend exchanging a list of what you own, what you owe and your credit scores.

Light some candles, put on some soothing music and talk about how money was (or wasn't!) talked about as you were growing up. This is also a great time to talk about your life and financial priorities. This conversation will likely be awkward at first, but over the long run you'll be amazed at how it can really bring you closer. If you're not sure how to bring the subject up, say you read about it on First Wives World!

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Most of us have heard the jokes portraying lawyers as money-hungry sharks. Unfortunately some of these jokes are based on truths. As you begin this journey, your choice of a divorce attorney is among the most important — a make or break decision.

A contested divorce, like any conflict, takes a path all its own. The stresses and strains often lead to dark places no one wants to go. This is when you need the right attorney. This is when you need a steady hand on your shoulder and the voice in your ear saying "sit down; collect yourself."

You need a lawyer you can trust. In a moment when all of life seems to spiral out of control you want the luxury of not having to rely completely on yourself. A good attorney is a shielding presence who will reassure you while giving you good advice. Here, five ways to work successfully with your lawyer:

1. Pay now or pay later. Beware of an attorney who takes a smaller retainer fee but doesn't file motions. Some couples wait for months on end to get court orders for spousal and child support payments because their attorney did not file the necessary motions.

2. Time is money. Remember that when you speak to your attorney on the phone, you are being charged per minute. Don't make the mistake of chattering on and on. Be to the point and use a timer. If it is a routine question, such as the date of a hearing, speak with the support staff rather than the attorney. Time for support staff is not often billed; and if it is, the fee is much lower than the attorney's rate.

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Here are my answers to questions posted by firstwivesworld.com bloggers:

Question: How much quality do the online services ensure? I mean, to go a route that seems so impersonal and not in the least secure seems rather risky.

Answer: This is a very interesting question because I do not believe any online service promises a "quality divorce". What they "promise" to those who seek an uncontested divorce is to save you legal fees. And let's be clear: Most online divorce services simply complete your paperwork based on the information you provide. More often than not, the rest is up to you. When you get right down to it, the "quality" of your divorce when using an online service, is really in your own hands.

Question: Are online divorces recognized Internationally?

Answer: Much the way a rose by any other name is still a rose, an online divorce is still a divorce. Which means if you are validly divorced in the United States, it's likely your divorce will be recognized in another country. Having said that, the best place to look for answers as to whether your U.S. divorce will be recognized internationally, is to check with the country of your concern. By way of example, if you needed to know whether your divorce abroad will be recognized in the states, you can find answers at the U.S. Department of State website here.

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Here are my answers to questions posted by firstwivesworld.com bloggers: 

Question: Can an agreement reached in Mediation be re-negotiated at a later date? Do both parties have to return to the table?

Answer: An agreement signed in a divorce settlement is a binding contract. It can always be changed if both of you agree that it should be changed, and how. Then (in NY, at least) you can amend the agreement by signing a summary of the changes before a notary public.

If you are not both in agreement, then the terms of the original agreement will determine what your obligations are. If one of you feels strongly that the agreement is no longer working, you can always come back to mediation to discuss the problems.

Question: About how many sessions does it take for most couples to reach an agreement in mediation?

Answer: The majority of couples who have mediated divorces have around 2 - 4 mediation sessions. Although that seems surprisingly short to many people, once we get an overview of your situation, and begin to clearly define and understand the precise points on which there is disagreement—and why—things begin to fall into place; and the resolution creates some momentum, which can create additional goodwill, and cause more solutions to emerge.

Question: My soon-to-be ex and I are interested in mediation, and I think we have each other's best interest in mind enough to be successful. But I'm afraid once we actually get into the nitty-gritty, things could get ugly and take ages to resolve. How does a mediator determine if a couple just isn't suitable for mediation, and how long could it take them to determine that?

Answer: This question requires a 3 part answer.

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