When my friend Kate finally collected enough courage to end her 12-year marriage to Will, she was suffering all the symptoms of a victim of domestic abuse. She had panic attacks, was in a state of depression, her self-esteem was in the gutter, and her sense of reality was distorted.

In the beginning, Kate would have scoffed at the idea that she had been a victim of domestic abuse. After all, Will “had only cheated” on her. He had not laid a hand on her, yet he had managed to undermine and diminish her through his long-time affair with an old high school girlfriend.

Kate had done what many victims of infidelity do. She failed to realize that in trying to save her marriage, she had destroyed herself by not recognizing that she was as emotionally vulnerable as any abuse victim.

Why do I believe that infidelity is a form of domestic abuse? Because infidelity can be as devastating as a physical attack. Infidelity makes a spouse humiliated, hurt, and helpless. Ultimately, it is experienced as a grave loss, the death of trust. When a husband cheats, he directly attacks his wife’s sense of worth.

In coaching women who are going through divorce due to a husband’s infidelity, I’ve found there to be common characteristics with victims of domestic abuse:

• Both can become an ongoing aspect of marriage. There is a recurring cycle in which the abusive or cheating husband is repentant and the marital relationship functions well. Then there is another episode of abuse or infidelity.

• The husbands may show brief periods of guilt or remorse, but usually seem insensitive to the pain they have caused. Most will not accept responsibility for the suffering they cause.

Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwaanza, New Year's... the holiday season endures. Hopefully, the season spurs feelings of love, sharing and gratitude. But let's face it, this is also a stressful and demanding time time of year especially if you're in the middle of a divorce.

You've got enough on your mind without trying to figure out where you'll get the energy to decorate the tree or where the money to buy gifts is going to come from. I remember my first Christmas after my ex-husband and I separated. I smiled, but all I really wanted to do was crawl into a ball and pull the covers over my head. That Christmas, I made some mistakes that sucked all the joy out of the season.

But going through that experience taught me some ways to make the season more enjoyable. Here are some tips to help you get through the holidays:

1. Simplicity is key. If you're wrapped up in negative emotions and feeling overwhelmed by legal issues your best bet is to simplify. Do this by letting go of traditions that cause you stress. Cut back on the amount of decorating you do. Don't feel pressured to attend more parties than you feel up to. Doing less can lift your spirits and your mood. Perfectly spiked eggnog helps too!

2. Don't isolate yourself. When we're feeling overwhelmed and beat up emotionally we often want to retreat — to isolate ourselves so we don't have to deal with the holiday at all. But that would be taking the easy way out — and we women aren't known for such behavior. So, no matter how powerful the urge to be alone is fight it off and share your holiday with close friends or family. Surround yourself with people who are enjoying themselves. You might just find their mood infectious.

You can assure your children that you will always love them and care for them, but a first Christmas post-divorce will be hard for them. A marriage lawyer in Scotland found that the holiday was one of the most contentious issues to be settled post-divorce.

"Christmas is always a problem,” Lesley-Anne Barnes said. She lectures in family law at Napier University in Edinburgh. “We would raise Christmas issues in October to try to get something in writing.”

Research by the Children's Society, a charity in England, shows that more than a quarter of children between the ages of 14 and 16 said they felt depressed, with one in ten being diagnosed with a mental health disorder. There are fears that the breakdown of marriages has led to a doubling of teenagers with emotional and behavioral problems from 1974 to 1999. And holiday season, with the stress of family get-togethers, and high expectations, can lead to an increase in behavior problems.

So you can make every effort to provide your children with the best emotional environment and a happy holiday season, but they may well be thinking of happy holidays past, and not know what to expect as children of divorce.

Below are a few suggestions on how to deal with your child’s stress during the holiday season.

Listen, Hear and Validate

Many children don’t express their concerns with a parent out of fear of upsetting her. Be sure your children know that you are available to talk, no matter what they feel the need to say. If they think that great Aunt Edna smells bad, you can assure them they won’t have to sit near her, while also cautioning them to be generous and forgiving of older people and their problems.

• The Good: How to Put the "Give" into Thanksgiving
•The Bad: Divorce Yourself from the Thanksgiving Blues
• The Ugly: How to Navigate Nosy Divorce Questions on Thanksgiving

Do you dread Turkey Day? Are you feeling crankful instead of thankful? Maybe you have an obligation to go to your in-laws, when you and your husband are fighting, and not sure you will make it to Christmas. Or perhaps you are suddenly single again, and don’t want to go alone to your parents’ or grandparents’ table, but don’t want to be alone either. What if people are coming to your house, and you just don’t have that Thanksgiving spirit: the economy, your work, your life — none of it seems good dinner table material.

And all that work putting together the meal. You’ve never felt so alone.

Luckily, there are strategies to get you through anything. What about that long drive with a husband that seems soon to be your ex. You have difficulty talking to each other, and now you are going to be in a car for a couple of hours. What do you do?

• First tactic: invite someone else along. It can be under the guise of “poor Emily, we don’t want her to spend Thanksgiving alone!” But at least there will now be another person in the car. You can’t be too uncivil to each other. And at least you’ll have someone to talk to.

• Second tactic: honesty. Make a pact with your husband … you will both put on a good face, and not bring everyone else down with sniping and griping. You will respect each other, and you will get your stories straight, whatever those stories are.

• The Good: How to Put the "Give" into Thanksgiving
•The Bad: Divorce Yourself from the Thanksgiving Blues
• The Ugly: How to Navigate Nosy Divorce Questions on Thanksgiving

It's that time of year again: Thanksgiving. The relatives gather, friends come calling. Some genuinely want to know how you — and your relationship (or lack of one) — are doing; others are just plain nosy.

Here, FWW offers scenarios and questions you might encounter this T-Day. And since how you may be tempted to respond might not go over so well, we’ve enlisted Dr. Diana Kirschner, a psychologist specializing in love and relationships, to explain what you should say to avoid awkward moments and deflect any uncomfortable questions thrown your way. So sit down to a family dinner prepared to volley polite, PC answers right back at 'em. No curve balls this Thanksgiving!

As Dr. Diana explains, "These are answers based on the idea that you don't want to open up to these relatives. In general, feel free to simply smile and not answer a question — instead answer a question with another question directed at the person."

CONTEMPLATING DIVORCE

• The Good: How to Put the "Give" into Thanksgiving
•The Bad: Divorce Yourself from the Thanksgiving Blues
• The Ugly: How to Navigate Nosy Divorce Questions on Thanksgiving

You know the saying that behind every great man is a woman. So it should not be surprising that there’s a woman behind Thanksgiving, too. The fact we even have it as a national holiday is due to the dogged efforts of Sarah Josepha Hale, the 19th century version of Oprah Winfrey. Hale was the editor of Godey's Lady’s Book. She was so enamored with the values of the pilgrims — steadfast, hardworking, religious, tenacious — she relentlessly used editorials year after year to promote the idea of Thanksgiving.

In addition to raising five children, advocating equal education for women, writing novels and poems, including “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” Hale lobbied President Lincoln with the determination of a Sherman tank. Finally, in the middle of the Civil War, President Lincoln declared Thursday, Nov. 23, 1863 a national holiday.

The idea of the holiday was not just gratitude but of giving to others.

And this year, more than any in recent memory, more people are in need of a helping hand. The loss of jobs has created a bigger need for food and a heaping spoonful of generosity.

All food banks are expecting an increase of people in need at their organizations. Whether serving food, packing grocery bags, or sorting canned items, you can spend a few hours of volunteering and make a difference.

This Thanksgiving I will serve turkey and all the trimmings. It is going to be a Martha Stewart holiday complete with the perfect table setting. A centerpiece of pumpkins and shellacked gourds surrounded by smiling family members sharing gratitude for family, friends, and life in general.

The only problem is, while I’m baking the Turkey I’ll be stewing a pot of anger inside. Recent contact with my ex has left me feeling less than kind toward him. I’m positive that when my youngest shares with the family how grateful he is for the expensive jacket his father recently purchased him, I’m going to have to bite my tongue.

I would like to be able to vindictively remind my son that that nice jacket is one of the few things his father has done for him in more than five years. It would feel as if I had been internally cleansed to be able to tell my son that a decent father doesn’t tell his child, “I’ve been right here waiting for you to call me.”

Waiting for five years for his son to come to him, instead of the father coming to his son!

I’ll bite my tongue because my son doesn’t deserve the spilling forth and putting into words the ill will I feel toward his father. I won’t allow the lid off that pot of anger because to do so would only put me in a league with his father, and the last thing I desire is spreading any more hurt and pain.

Ok, I’m being a little less than honest. I wouldn’t mind seeing his father suffer some consequences. What I wouldn’t give to see him suffer just a fraction of the pain he caused his children! I will let the need to witness that go, if it means my child having peace of mind and a happy Thanksgiving.

One of the remarkable aspects of our democracy is how, after a grueling presidential race, the losing candidate makes a concession speech and there is a gracious transition of power. The incoming President then acknowledges the attributes of his competitor in the Presidential race.

This tradition starts the process of healing and accepting the inevitability of the outcome. I know many of my friends would have loved to hear their ex-husbands give a concession speech after their divorces.

"My Dear Wife," it would go. “We have battled and disagreed on many subjects. Sometimes it got very personal and insensitive. Feelings were hurt. We created fear and animosity. Injustices were felt as was an economic downturn. We are no longer man and wife. But we are still parents. We must remember — as Barack Obama said in his acceptance speech, ‘We are not enemies, but friends. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection.’ ”

Indeed. We may have broken up but we are simultaneously rebuilding a new family unit. In fact — as John McCain said — “Join me in finding ways to come together to find the necessary compromises to bridge our differences and help leave our children and grandchildren stronger.”

Wouldn’t that be nice? An olive branch, a speech or a built-in-tradition where ex-husband and ex-wife vowed to make efforts to support each other in their lives ahead.

In any marriage, in any election, there is a winner and a loser. Even in an amicable divorce, someone feels more disappointment, someone is more elated.

How does one deal with disappointment?