When my friend Kate finally collected enough courage to end her 12-year marriage to Will, she was suffering all the symptoms of a victim of domestic abuse. She had panic attacks, was in a state of depression, her self-esteem was in the gutter, and her sense of reality was distorted.

In the beginning, Kate would have scoffed at the idea that she had been a victim of domestic abuse. After all, Will “had only cheated” on her. He had not laid a hand on her, yet he had managed to undermine and diminish her through his long-time affair with an old high school girlfriend.

Kate had done what many victims of infidelity do. She failed to realize that in trying to save her marriage, she had destroyed herself by not recognizing that she was as emotionally vulnerable as any abuse victim.

Why do I believe that infidelity is a form of domestic abuse? Because infidelity can be as devastating as a physical attack. Infidelity makes a spouse humiliated, hurt, and helpless. Ultimately, it is experienced as a grave loss, the death of trust. When a husband cheats, he directly attacks his wife’s sense of worth.

In coaching women who are going through divorce due to a husband’s infidelity, I’ve found there to be common characteristics with victims of domestic abuse:

• Both can become an ongoing aspect of marriage. There is a recurring cycle in which the abusive or cheating husband is repentant and the marital relationship functions well. Then there is another episode of abuse or infidelity.

• The husbands may show brief periods of guilt or remorse, but usually seem insensitive to the pain they have caused. Most will not accept responsibility for the suffering they cause.

Domestic abuse does not have to be physical to be experienced as abuse. Abuse can include belittling a woman, keeping her on a very tight leash financially, limiting her movements outside of the house, filling the house with fear. A Canadian study found that 79 percent of marriages with serious abuse end in divorce.

The first step in dealing with abuse is recognizing it. But action must be taken. Here are some sources of information:

• National Domestic Abuse Hotline

• Domestic Abuse Awareness Handbook

• State Coalition List

• Domestic Abuse Shelters

• Domestic Abuse Victims Rights

Escaping Domestic Abuse:

If you or someone you know are living in an abusive relationship, and there is a chance of danger, the important thing is being ready and able to leave. Leaving isn’t an easy decision to make, I understand that. If you are decide to stay in a relationship, but think you might have to flee some day for safety’s sake, keep a survival kit ready.

Look up the addresses of the nearest women’s shelters or motels, so you know you will have a place to go. And make sure you have the following items with you:

• Money for cab fare

• A change of clothes

• Extra house and car keys

• Birth certificates

• Driver’s license or passport

• Medications and copies of prescriptions

• Insurance information

• Checkbook

• Credit cards

In my last article, I discussed legal separation and the benefits to a couple that feel they need time away from a marriage. I strongly suggest anyone making the decision to live separately protect herself legally.

If it all seems overwhelming and that word “legal” is too much to handle, you do have the option of trying a simple, trial separation. A trial separation allows you to experience time away from the marriage without making any final decisions or legal steps toward divorce. That, of course, makes it easier to reverse than a legal separation.

A trial separation is an informal arrangement that you come to with your husband. You work out the guidelines and come to an agreement that you both can live with. There need to be ground rules and you need to understand that if those rules aren’t followed, you have no legal recourse against your husband. Below is a list of issues you will want to think about as part of an informal trial separation agreement:

1. Who will move out? Not only will you need to decide who will move out but, where they will move to and when. There should also be a time limit set. A trial separation should not be an open-ended way of life. Set a time limit and after that period passes either file for divorce or move back home.

2. With whom will the children live? Not only do you have to decide which parent the child will live with, you have to decide what role each parent will play in raising the children and responsibilities that come along with raising the children.

A legal separation and divorce are more similar than different. In fact, except for a few key points they are almost the same. The difference is in the legal standard one must meet to obtain a legal separation or divorce and the relief you get from either. Even then, the difference only has to do with whether or not the marriage continues.

All states have legal standards a couple has to meet in order to divorce. You have your no-fault states in which anyone can divorce, reason or no reason. Then you have New York State, which still requires grounds for divorce.

In the end, a divorce simply means that the state you live in recognizes that your marriage is broken and can’t be fixed.

A court can grant a legal separation if “irreconcilable differences between the parties have caused a temporary or unlimited breakdown of the marriage.” A legal separation suspends the marriage whereas a divorce ends the marriage.

The relief offered by a legal separation or a divorce is, again, quite similar and in some situations exactly the same. In cases of legal separation and divorce, most state courts can make provisions for:

1. Child Support

2. Child Custody

3. Visitation

4. Division of Marital Property

5. Spousal Support

6. The Marital Home

7. Health Insurance Benefits

Do you need a break from marital conflict, but you’re not ready to take the next step for divorce? If so, legal separation will give you the break you need, and protection while you take time away to figure out your next step.

During a legal separation, a couple will negotiate a temporary agreement and file it with the courts. This means that during the time you are living apart such issues as child custody, spousal support, visitation and the division of marital assets and debts are legally protected.

Be aware though that whatever you agree to during a legal separation may set a precedence that will carry over should you and your husband eventually decide to divorce. You should be as concerned with your long-term needs when negotiating a legal separation agreement as you would be if you were negotiating a divorce settlement agreement.

Below are a few advantages of a legal separation or why a woman may choose a legal separation over a divorce.

• A legal separation will protect you financially because any assets or debts acquired during a legal separation may be considered separate property. This is especially important in states where couples are required to live apart of a period before filing for divorce.

• There are social security benefits available to a wife who has been married 10 years or more. If you have been a stay-at-home mom, and haven’t paid into much social security, remaining married until you meet that 10 year requirement should be a consideration when deciding whether to continue in your marriage.

For the past five weeks I’ve been talking about pro se divorce — how you can represent yourself in a divorce action. Here are some frequently asked questions:

1. Can I handle a pro se divorce?

People who are in the best situation to proceed successfully are those:

• Who know where their spouse is;
• Whose children are not involved;
• Who have divided whatever property or money they have to mutual satisfaction;
• Who do not want any monetary settlement from each other; and,
• Who have settled most of the otherwise disruptive emotional issues between them so they can cooperate.

2. Is it possible to go pro se if I have children?

It is possible to handle issues such as child custody, support, and visitation as a pro se litigant. But anyone with children should at least consult with an attorney before coming to a final agreement on these issues. Having an attorney look over your agreement will protect you now and down the road.

3. What if my spouse moved out of state?

If you have your spouse’s address, it is possible to have the sheriff where he lives serve him by certified mail. Your local court clerk will have information regarding serving a spouse who lives in another state.

4. What if I do not know where my spouse is?

If you do not know where your spouse is, you cannot serve him with papers. Instead you will notify your spouse by publication. You must follow specific rules about when and where to publish a legal notice in the paper and you must get documents to prove that you have taken these steps. You will also have to pay for printing the notice in the paper.

5. Why consider a pro se divorce?

Your first choice in handling your divorce yourself (Pro Se) was to try mediation. But if that didn’t work and you have to go to divorce court, you will need documents and other information from your husband to help you make your case. The legal process for acquiring what you need from your husband (and the process by which he acquires what he needs from you) is referred to as “discovery.”

During discovery, you have methods you will use to gain information. State laws differ during the discovery process, but there are five common steps or methods to take. These may well become a part of your divorce.

• Disclosure:

Disclosure is the process by which you and your spouse discloses to each other, and the court, the documents and other evidence you intend to use in divorce court. If you believe your husband has documents or evidence – financial statements, emails, photos, letters, receipts, or videos that will help you prove your case – you should file a motion with the court requesting “disclosure” of such evidence. Your court clerk can assist you in finding the appropriate forms to file. If your court does not use forms and you have to write out your own motion just turn to Google. Do a search for “sample motion for disclosure” and you will come up with thousands of examples to help you when writing your motion.

What have we learned about Pro Se divorce so far? Be organized, and learn your state divorce laws, rules of civil procedure, and all those ethics codes that dictate how judges and lawyers do business.

You know how to file the original petition for divorce and how to notify your husband. Now you are asking, “What is next?”

Next is the fun part.

It is time to roll up your sleeves, and learn the meaning of the word “endurance.” If you are a lucky litigant the judge will order mediation in your case. This is your opportunity to negotiate a settlement with your husband, which keeps you out of divorce court.

Below are a few tips for those who are able to go through the mediation process:

• For mediation to succeed you have to be willing to give as well as take.

• Familiar advice: there is no place for your emotions during mediation. Mediation is about deciding custody, visitation schedules, and splitting assets. Your emotions don’t play a role in the mediation process.

• Be willing to grin and bare it. You may no longer like the guy you married, but during the mediation process it is in your best interest to be civil toward him.

To begin the divorce process as a Pro Se litigant you will file an original petition for divorce with the local court clerk. The original petition for divorce is a document requesting that the court grant a divorce.

Filling out the petition for divorce:

If you are asking for the divorce (or “filing” for it) you are known as the “petitioner,” and your husband is known as the “respondent,” or “defendant.” When you petition the court for a divorce, you state the cause of your divorce. If you are filing for specific grounds make sure you don’t go into details.

Example: If your spouse has cheated on you, you should say, “Petitioner seeks divorce on the grounds of adultery” rather than, “Petitioner seeks divorce because my husband has been sleeping with another woman for six months.”

The court isn’t interested in whether or not you hate your husband, feel he should be stricken from the face of the earth, or any other emotions you may have. Keep your feelings to yourself.

I promise you, the judge who has to read your petition will appreciate it.

Information needed in the petition will vary, but most states require:

• Identification of the spouses by name and legal address.
• Date and place of marriage.
• Identification of children from the marriage, their names and ages.
• Proof that the petitioner and her husband have lived in the state or county for a certain length of time and have the right to file for divorce.
• Grounds.
• A statement on how the petitioner would like to settle finances, property division, child custody, child support, visitation, and other issues related to divorce.

Filing the petition for divorce:

The petition for divorce, along with two copies and the filing fee (the Clerk of Court will tell you want it is), are hand delivered or sent by certified mail to the local court clerk.