One of the remarkable aspects of our democracy is how, after a grueling presidential race, the losing candidate makes a concession speech and there is a gracious transition of power. The incoming President then acknowledges the attributes of his competitor in the Presidential race.

This tradition starts the process of healing and accepting the inevitability of the outcome. I know many of my friends would have loved to hear their ex-husbands give a concession speech after their divorces.

"My Dear Wife," it would go. “We have battled and disagreed on many subjects. Sometimes it got very personal and insensitive. Feelings were hurt. We created fear and animosity. Injustices were felt as was an economic downturn. We are no longer man and wife. But we are still parents. We must remember — as Barack Obama said in his acceptance speech, ‘We are not enemies, but friends. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection.’ ”

Indeed. We may have broken up but we are simultaneously rebuilding a new family unit. In fact — as John McCain said — “Join me in finding ways to come together to find the necessary compromises to bridge our differences and help leave our children and grandchildren stronger.”

Wouldn’t that be nice? An olive branch, a speech or a built-in-tradition where ex-husband and ex-wife vowed to make efforts to support each other in their lives ahead.

In any marriage, in any election, there is a winner and a loser. Even in an amicable divorce, someone feels more disappointment, someone is more elated.

How does one deal with disappointment?

Domestic abuse does not have to be physical to be experienced as abuse. Abuse can include belittling a woman, keeping her on a very tight leash financially, limiting her movements outside of the house, filling the house with fear. A Canadian study found that 79 percent of marriages with serious abuse end in divorce.

The first step in dealing with abuse is recognizing it. But action must be taken. Here are some sources of information:

• National Domestic Abuse Hotline

• Domestic Abuse Awareness Handbook

• State Coalition List

• Domestic Abuse Shelters

• Domestic Abuse Victims Rights

Escaping Domestic Abuse:

If you or someone you know are living in an abusive relationship, and there is a chance of danger, the important thing is being ready and able to leave. Leaving isn’t an easy decision to make, I understand that. If you are decide to stay in a relationship, but think you might have to flee some day for safety’s sake, keep a survival kit ready.

Look up the addresses of the nearest women’s shelters or motels, so you know you will have a place to go. And make sure you have the following items with you:

• Money for cab fare

• A change of clothes

• Extra house and car keys

• Birth certificates

• Driver’s license or passport

• Medications and copies of prescriptions

• Insurance information

• Checkbook

• Credit cards

• Legal documents, including, if you have them, separation agreements and protection orders

• Address books

If you think you know of an abusive husband or partner, look over the questions below. Not all abuse involves hitting or threats of physical violence. Recognizing the warning signs and symptoms of domestic abuse is the first step in helping the abused.

Remember that someone who is scared, denied access to money, or put down is being abused as well. This may apply to you, your mother, your sister, a friend, your child.

The questions are courtesy of the National Coalition Against Domestic Abuse.

Does someone...

• Embarrass or make fun of her in front of her friends or family?

• Put down her accomplishments or goals?

• Make her feel like she is unable to make decisions?

• Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?

• Tell her that she is nothing without them?

• Treat her roughly – grab, push, pinch, shove or hit her?

• Call her several times a night or show up to make sure she is where she said she would be?

• Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing her?

• Blame her for how he feels or acts?

• Pressure her sexually for things she isn’t ready for?

• Make her feel trapped, like there "is no way out" of the relationship?

• Prevent her from doing things she wants – like spending time with her friends or family?

• Try to keep her from leaving after a fight, or leave her somewhere after a fight to "teach her a lesson"?

Does she…

• Sometimes feel scared of how her partner will act?

• Constantly make excuses to other people for her partner's behavior?

• Believe that she can help her partner change if only she could change something about herself?

• Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make her partner angry?

Domestic abuse is about control and power, usually a man getting and keeping control and power over a woman. To simplify it, someone who commits domestic abuse is a control freak, and for the sake of argument, we are going to use the pronoun “he.” An abuser can’t feel good about himself unless he feels he is in total control of a woman and the relationship.

The abuser will use physical violence, threats of physical violence, isolation, yelling, screaming, and emotional, sexual or financial abuse to attempt to control his wife and in return control the relationship. He will leave both physical and emotional scars as he tried to remain in control and stave off the feeling of his wife being out of his control. And as the economy gets worse, and recession sets in, and jobs are lost, and income falls… the more an abuser takes out his feelings of helplessness on his wife.

Victims of Domestic Abuse

Domestic abuse happens to women of all ages, races and religions. Her economic or professional status is not an indicator of whether or not she will one day be a victim of domestic abuse. Domestic abuse occurs in the poorest neighbor and the priciest mansions.

Nearly 95 percent of domestic abuse victims are women. Over 50 percent of all women will experience domestic abuse in a love relationship and, for 24 to 30 percent of these women, the abuse happens regularly and over a long period.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Abuse, every 15 seconds a man or a woman becomes a victim of abuse. An abuser may seem gentle, loving, and kind to begin with. A woman might start a relationship thinking she had met her soul-mate, only to discover her mate had no soul at all.

Jen Schefft may have won the popular reality contest The Bachelor in 2003, but she dumped Andrew Firestone, the bachelor in question, because, she said, she didn’t want to settle on the wrong guy.

Then she was the chooser on the sequel, The Bachelorette, where she stunned the two finalists by saying that she didn’t want to commit to either of them.

Why, she wondered, was she reviled, rather than respected, for not rushing to the altar?

Her response is Better Single Than Sorry: A No-Regrets Guide to Loving Yourself and Never Settling, which reminds women that you’re OK if you’re not in a relationship.

As she points out:

• There have never been more single adult women in the U.S. than now.
• We have to learn to find enjoyment by ourselves and not through someone else.
• The odds are that each of us will be alone for parts of our lives, so we can’t look for eternal happiness in a relationship with a guy.

The message here is: You can be alone and not lonely.

The book does stretch this point like salt water taffy and could be condensed. But hey, publishers like longer books, and there are points worth mentioning.

Schefft talked to women in all stages of relationships. One said she settled for a guy and now is divorced. “At the time, I thought he was the best I could get,” she told Schefft. “As I have gotten more confident and more experienced with age, I realize that I deserve so much more.”

Schefft of course points out the advantages of being single. “It forces you to build more of a network in the world,” she says. “If you think about it in the right way and not as something tragic, you can become a much more interesting person.”

Life isn’t over after a divorce. It’s a new beginning. But women are worried about dating again, about their ex-husbands dating again, and about the shaky feeling that comes when the divorce process begins.

www.truemomconfessions.com has agreed to swap content with firstwivesworld.com every week. True Mom Confessions provides the questions, and we provide the advice.

True Mom Question:

I don't know the protocol on dating after divorce. I haven't had feelings for soon-to-be ex DH in a long time, so I feel like I'm ready to embark on the dating scene. Do I wait until the divorce is final (at least four more months)? How long before I introduce him to the kids? I am really scared about this situation. Will anybody want to date a single Mom?

First Wives World Answer:

Single moms date all the time, and find love again. It’s called reinvention and renewal and possibility. It all awaits you in the next chapter of your life. Look at Reese Witherspoon, even Angelina Jolie. They were single moms. Now you may think, “I’m not a movie star.” But you are. You have within you something that shines brightly and will be desirable to the right person. Since your divorce is going to be finalized in four months, however, why not wait? Use this time to embark on improving yourself, buying a new outfit for a first date, and becoming the best person you can be. As far as when to introduce someone to the kids, let’s wait until you find someone worthy. While there are no set rules, most experts say you shouldn’t introduce kids to anyone you haven’t dated for at least six months. You want them to have faith in the sturdiness and consistency of love. Life is long. A whole new future awaits you, and your children.

TMQ:

What does a divorced girl need besides a good attorney, a loyal girlfriend and gainful employment? A good laugh.

“Still Hot: The Uncensored Guide to Divorce, Dating, Sex, Spite, and Happily Ever After” by Sue Mittenthal and Linda Reing delivers.

It’s a bubbling summer cobbler about the trials and tribulations of women whose middle-aged husbands leave them for the office cupcakes, dishy Russian bimbos, or hot Tarot card readers.

Sue Mittenthal and Linda Reing met when their children were toddlers and reconnected when their husbands toddled off. Only after they had moved on from their divorces could they look back and see the unexpected comedy in the drama; they decided to share it in this book, along with observations of divorced friends they met along the way.

Here are some observations:

Tell-Tale Signs He’s Leaving

• You see him gazing into the rearview mirrors while pulling up the skin around his eyes.
• Lately he volunteers to stir-fry tofu and bok choy.
• You find men’s moisturizer in the medicine cabinet, next to his Crest whitening strips and his Just For Men hair dye kit.
• He starts futzing with his comb-over and you catch him clicking on classmates.com.

Just Because He Wants a “Do-Over” It’s Not Your Fault

“That’s revisionism. You are no more responsible for his wretched state that you are for his receding hairline. His about-face is a direct result of his fear of death and decrepitude.”

Girlfriends and “Frenemies”

A girlfriend hears about your divorce and “whisks you off to Linens ’n’ Things” for fresh bedding or shepherds you to Victoria’s Secret”; she also doesn’t laugh while you “try on the rhinestone-studded g-string.”

Recently, truemomconfessions.com shared some of their members’ concerns with firstwivesworld.com, and we agreed to swap content every week. They will provide the confessions, and we will provide the advice.

Here are this week’s confessions.

True Mom Confession:

"I have never been away from my kids before. It’s been one week and I have two more to go. This part of divorce sucks! I miss them so much. I don't think I can make it another two weeks."

FWW response:

Not seeing your kids every day is one of the hardest parts of divorce. Your heart feels split because you and your husband have split. Many women, however, use this time as an opportunity. It’s guilt-free time for you. Yes, you. Visit friends if you need to get out of the house. Luxuriate in a romantic bath. Nestle into bed with lots of magazines. Consider all the things that you don’t do that you now can. Think about your life and hobbies or projects or jobs you want to do. In a way, divorce prepares you to be an empty-nester — except the little ones will come back and you will appreciate them more when they do.

True Mom Confession:

"Part of me wants to move overseas and leave my kid with relatives. I never expected to be a divorced mother, and am not doing very well by myself. My parents both abandoned me as a child, and I survived.... But I can't imagine doing that to another human being. His father already left him, so I can't leave him too."

FWW Response: