The politics of gift-giving — especially in blended families — can be fraught with peril. With kids being human calculators, knowing the value of absolutely everything, each one will measure exactly where s/he stands in the pecking order. Yes, families need to have the wisdom of Solomon to navigate these minefields but there are ways to diffuse potential bombs instead of igniting them.

Here's what I've learned over the years to create holiday memories.

Christmas Gifts

Sometimes, because of finances, you simply can't buy the kinds of presents that you could before. But parents have to be adults and not point fingers. Instead of saying, "Johnny, you can't get an X-Box and a bike because your Dad left with that woman and we can't afford it," you can say, "Johnny, there is a difference between luxuries and necessities. Right now, we can't afford to buy everything I would want, but you can have a choice between an X-Box and a bike. And at another time, I hope to buy you the other one."

That makes the choices value-based versus divorce-based.

Do not spoil your child to get back at your husband. This always backfires. Have faith that simple pleasures are still what kids remember, not the particular toy. Your attitude in dealing with changes will be the roadmap in how they deal with bumps along the way, so be as positive as possible.

Gifts for Stepkids

Unlike my childhood, where a gift might be signed "From Mom and Dad," and I didn’t get mad if Mom really bought the gifts, in a divorced household, a signature of "Jill and Dad" feels inferior and empty. It’s another example of a child being force-fed this new family.

Many stepchildren feel they are sharing their father with another family and already have only rationed time with him. When Dad picks out the gift, it feels more special — and I think they're right.

• The Good: How to Put the "Give" into Thanksgiving
•The Bad: Divorce Yourself from the Thanksgiving Blues
• The Ugly: How to Navigate Nosy Divorce Questions on Thanksgiving

It's that time of year again: Thanksgiving. The relatives gather, friends come calling. Some genuinely want to know how you — and your relationship (or lack of one) — are doing; others are just plain nosy.

Here, FWW offers scenarios and questions you might encounter this T-Day. And since how you may be tempted to respond might not go over so well, we’ve enlisted Dr. Diana Kirschner, a psychologist specializing in love and relationships, to explain what you should say to avoid awkward moments and deflect any uncomfortable questions thrown your way. So sit down to a family dinner prepared to volley polite, PC answers right back at 'em. No curve balls this Thanksgiving!

As Dr. Diana explains, "These are answers based on the idea that you don't want to open up to these relatives. In general, feel free to simply smile and not answer a question — instead answer a question with another question directed at the person."

CONTEMPLATING DIVORCE

This Thanksgiving I will serve turkey and all the trimmings. It is going to be a Martha Stewart holiday complete with the perfect table setting. A centerpiece of pumpkins and shellacked gourds surrounded by smiling family members sharing gratitude for family, friends, and life in general.

The only problem is, while I’m baking the Turkey I’ll be stewing a pot of anger inside. Recent contact with my ex has left me feeling less than kind toward him. I’m positive that when my youngest shares with the family how grateful he is for the expensive jacket his father recently purchased him, I’m going to have to bite my tongue.

I would like to be able to vindictively remind my son that that nice jacket is one of the few things his father has done for him in more than five years. It would feel as if I had been internally cleansed to be able to tell my son that a decent father doesn’t tell his child, “I’ve been right here waiting for you to call me.”

Waiting for five years for his son to come to him, instead of the father coming to his son!

I’ll bite my tongue because my son doesn’t deserve the spilling forth and putting into words the ill will I feel toward his father. I won’t allow the lid off that pot of anger because to do so would only put me in a league with his father, and the last thing I desire is spreading any more hurt and pain.

Ok, I’m being a little less than honest. I wouldn’t mind seeing his father suffer some consequences. What I wouldn’t give to see him suffer just a fraction of the pain he caused his children! I will let the need to witness that go, if it means my child having peace of mind and a happy Thanksgiving.

Even after all these years, it surprises me how powerless one can feel as a stepparent and how important it is to manage expectations. This crystallizes often over the holidays when I ask my stepchildren to help me with the holiday card and have to negotiate their schedules as though I'm a United Nations diplomat.

Unlike my 10-year-old son, with whom I can say, "Please be at this place at this time" — and when he doesn't, I can yell, "Get your butt down here now" — every request to my step daughters must be managed carefully.

At the same time, if you ask step kids how they feel after their parents’ divorce, they will say they feel powerless, with no say in anything, that they have to juggle between two families while negotiating roles, rules, and status in both households.

Recently I emailed my stepdaughter telling her that step parenting is a lot like gardening a bed of roses. Instead of getting to dig deep and attach myself to the root stock, I am allowed only to skim the surface and never feel as though I've penetrated top soil. If I grab the flower the wrong way, it can be prickly. But it is still beautiful and worth nurturing.

She emailed me this response: "Just like the rose, stepchildren cannot help but have thorns, because it is in their nature to protect their roots."

I loved this exchange because it is honest — and helpful. The holidays are an emotionally charged time for any family — but even more so for stepfamilies. After years of experience, and as a certified stepfamily coach, I have learned that the secret to having a good time during the holidays is recognizing that each person should have a say in some part of the event, which makes it more a democracy than a dictatorship. The other part is following the adage that no act of love, however small, is wasted.

The emotion most prevalent during my separation and divorce was anxiety. I remember spending the better part of a year feeling I was shaking in my boots.

My ex and I separated in January and the divorce was final in September. By the time that first holiday season rolled around, post divorce, the anxiety had lessened but I wasn’t looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas. Especially as a divorced parent dealing with a less-than-civil ex-husband.

I could feel the knot of anxiety tightening and knew I had to come up with ways to reduce it during that first holiday season as a divorced woman and mother. Just as I had begun to learn how to deal with my post-divorce emotions, I found myself feeling overwhelmed again.

Below are four tips for reducing divorce anxiety during the holidays:

Identify Fears and Deal With Them

When 22-year-old Vanessa Van Petten saw a hole in the digital market, she decided to fill it. Where was the teen's voice? The teen's opinion? "I was reading lots of mommy and daddy blogs all over the Web; some had great advice and others were really missing some major points," says Van Petten, founder of OnTeensToday.com. A child of divorce herself, Van Petten (right) credits her nontraditional upbringing for the determination and versatility she possesses today.

"I grew up with two religions, four VERY different types of parents, as an only child, as one of four, in a big house, in a small house, in a liberal house and in a strict house," she explains. "I really got to live in the range and can relate to many different kinds of readers."

That determination and versatility are exactly the qualities to which her readers respond. Her web site, which is dedicated to offering a forum for teens to express themselves, reach out to other parental figures, and provide perspective on the elusive teenager, has become a smash hit with young and old alike since its launch in September 2007.

And when we say "smash hit," we mean it. OnTeensToday.com receives thousands of emails a day. "Parents mostly read my web site, but I work privately with teens and run a private social network for them as a forum and I hear from them a lot in those areas," says the Los Angeles resident.

How can Van Petten help you decode your kid? Here, four tried-and-true tips to smooth the familial transitions, from separation to divorce to second marriages:

You Can Never Say I Love You Too Much. We might roll our eyes or pretend not to hear, but in this time, we cannot hear it enough.

Juggling soccer practice, violin lessons, tutors, and everything else in between can be extremely difficult to manage for any family, but for divorcing parents it’s all the more challenging.

Using online parenting calendars will help give your children a sense of predictability. You can even enlist the help of your children to set up the initial information on the website. It is an opportunity for them to see how you manage time and schedules which is an excellent skill for a child of any age to participate in and observe. Take a look at all of the options and decide which features you will use given your family’s needs.

Several websites offer online parenting calendars with various features and functions to make life easier. Each paid site offers a schedule, database for doctor and medical contact information, keeping track of expenses, school and homework info, and uploading photos to share. Subscription sites tend to be more complete, but the free calendars have benefits as well:

Sharekids.com: This program costs $200 per year for a joint account and $100 per year for an individual account. They also offer a lifetime fee structure which is $1000 for a joint account and $500 for an individual account. If you have young children, you may want to consider this option if you find this program works for you and your family. As an added bonus, they offer a 30 day free trial with absolutely no obligation to you.

With school back in session, the subject of homework is back on the table. Here are some examples of typical problems, especially in divorced families, and tips for how to solve them.

Sarah and Anthony have been divorced for three years and Sarah has been the primary custodial parent. It has its rewards and frustrations. Now, it’s two weeks into the school year, and Sarah has just gotten off the phone with her son’s new teacher. Sarah is beyond upset, because it is happening again. Joey, age 11, looks like he is doing his homework but somehow it doesn’t get from his school bag to the teacher’s desk. She turns to Joey and says,“You mean you forgot to hand in your homework again?” He cowers under the criticism and spits back, “Why are you always so mean?”

Let’s unpack this vignette. There is a pragmatic problem to solve as well as an emotional problem to address.

First let’s look at the pragmatic problem. Joey may have what psychologists call Executive Functioning Problems. This is when the mind has poor management of organization and priorities.

It is as if the executive secretary that is metaphorically in everyone’s head, telling you to do something or reminding you of what may be required, is asleep at her desk. Many kids with Executive Functioning Problems also have Attention Deficit Disorder and some suffer from anxiety.

Imagine all the criticism they get on a regular basis.

In divorce, these issues often become magnified because of dealing with two households and two parents who may not be on the same page.

Helpful Tips:

How do you handle the “add-on” expenses of having children? You know, all those little things that are so important: Lessons, sports, back-to-school expenses, etc.

Back to school means new clothes, shoes, backpacks, supplies, fees, lunch money, hair cuts and specialty sports apparel. On the average, you can expect to spend about $750 per child in back-to-school expenses.

There is a lot of pressure on both kids and parents to have the latest technology and fashion. The amount spent to outfit a school-age child these days can be astronomical. You write checks for dancing lessons, soccer dues, hockey equipment, and field trips. You may also be dealing with a co-parent who likes to one-up you on these purchases, or a co-parent who spends too little on these things.

Ideally, you and your co-parent communicate well about expenses for your children and how they will be covered. If you are lucky enough to have an amicable relationship with your co-parent when it comes to money, you can pool together as a healthy bi-nuclear family to try to save money on back-to-school expenses.

Some of our Peace Talks mediation clients create a “kid bank account” with checks and an ATM card for each parent so that when these expenses come up, a check can just be written. A budget is established and each parent contributes his or her share at the beginning of the month, and keeps track of what s/he has spent. If the budget needs adjustment, you can do that periodically. If you’ve over-accumulated money in the account, you can splurge on a special camp in the summer or save for your child’s college education.