Jennifer and Dan, a couple in their mid-30s with two kids, had a fairly amicable divorce. But Jen still has a reservoir of residual hurt because the end of their marriage was directly caused by Dan's affair.

Dan, however, is eager to move on in a friendly manner.

Scene: It is Sunday morning and Dan is scheduled to take the kids. He drives up to the family house, opens the garage door and comes into the kitchen. Jennifer is cleaning up after breakfast and the children are nearby.

Dan: Hi guys.
Jennifer (icily): Hi.
Dan: What's the problem? I'm here to pick up the kids. You don't have to be so cold.
Jennifer: Did I invite you in?!

A Lesson about Boundaries:

Do not make your home available to your ex-husband, as if he still lived there.

He can knock on the door and you can deliver the kids to him at the door.

Particularly at the beginning of the divorce process, your house must become your sacred — and safe — territory.

Your home needs to be a place of refuge and should not turn into a boundary-less arena. Letting your ex-husband come and go as he pleases can make you feel uncomfortable and anxious.

From his point of view, nothing is wrong. This was his home. He may even own half of it.

Just remember that you need your space, and that boundaries need to be set.

In years of practice I have come to discover that when boundaries are set properly - and early - it is better for all involved, including the wife, the ex-husband and the kids.

Couples do better when they have set strong limits, given how powerful the pull of emotions can be during a divorce.

"It is easier to liberalize from a conservative position than to become more conservative from a liberal position."

This maxim applies to divorce. Try being conservative initially. Both in setting boundaries with your husband and, indeed, with your kids.

This time last summer Sharon, who asked that her last name not be used, was the typical wife of an Army pilot deployed to Iraq. She was expending a lot of energy on just surviving. But like most military spouses, she supported her husband in what he had chosen to do, and for what he believed in.

Her husband’s deployment meant she was wearing two hats, both mother and father to two children, 6 and 10. She mowed the lawn, kept the house, paid the bills, and laid awake at night worrying about her husband’s safety.

But she didn’t mind the extra work.

“It was all doable because there was relief in the friendships with other women who were experiencing the same in their day-to-day lives,” she said. “We vented to each other and took care of each other. We weren’t isolated because we were there for each other.”

Sharon, 36, is once again struggling to survive, but this summer for very different reasons. She is separated from a husband she says “came back from Iraq a changed man.”

As she sits in my living room, looking anxious and worn, Sharon tries to explain what went wrong in her marriage.

“I struggle to understand what happened and make sense of it,” she says. “All I know is that once he came home he was there physically, but emotionally he was absent.”

Shortly after returning from Iraq, her husband took up with another woman. It was a relationship, he told Sharon, that didn’t demand that he deal with parenting and a wife who wanted him to share wartime experiences.

The reunion of couples after long deployments and the post-deployment processes are complex and poorly understood. So complex that many military marriages are not surviving the transition.

In a military mental health survey done in Iraq in 2006, 20 percent of soldiers interviewed (both men and women) said they or their spouses were planning a divorce; that is up 5 percent from a year earlier.

We Grandmas have a unique perspective — and a unique set of issues:

Finances: As the finances of the divorced family changes, we grandparents are often asked to step up to the plate and assist financially.

Custody: Grandparents are often an important part of a grandchild’s life, how does access shift after divorce? Do we have rights?

Care giving: Grandparents are often rearranging their lives as they take a more active part in their grandchildren’s lives, particularly after divorce.

Setting Aside Your Life: Grandparents are often postponing their retirement plans and moves so they can help raise their grandchildren.

Many grandparents share their stories with me and their anguish as their families face the trauma. Many divorcing people share their experiences with me. And my own experience as a divorced woman before the time of books, gurus, and blogs has given me some Grandma insights about:

—What our children need to hear from us.

—What our children should and should NOT say to their children

—How we answer our grandchildren’s questions.

—What in-laws can do?

—How we advise newly dating parents.

—How we offer financial help to our kids in a healthy way.

—How we help our children get through the hurt and start their new life

While we deal with these challenging issues and significant emotions all around, we must also be the flag-bearing leader of the family — salvaging love and respect in a family searching for answers, safety, and an end to all the hurt, while heralding the new “emerging” family which may very well bear little resemblance to the family that once was. Together — Grandparents included — we can make it through.

Going through a divorce is hard, even if it’s something you wanted. Buying a new house or trying to maintain the one you have, solo, is scary. So many things can go wrong — but you already know that! And the last thing you want to do is call your ex for help.

Make finding a reliable, trusted, creative handyman a priority. Don’t wait for the first thing to go wrong. Having him “in your pocket” will give you great peace of mind. My handyman’s motto is “When things go wrong, call Don.” And I do. He’s on speed dial.

Word of mouth is the best way to find your new guy. Ask your realtor, neighbors, co-workers, senior citizens, single women and inept men who they use. Name drop when you call your prospects — tell them who referred you and you’ll probably get a faster response.

Interview a few handymen. Look for experience, creativity and integrity. Do you feel comfortable leaving this man your key? Start small, and trust your instincts. Ask him to hang some towel bars, replace a cracked tile and fix that leaky faucet. If that goes well, you may be on to something!

Keep an ongoing “honey do” list on the fridge, and add to it when you see things that need fixing. Just writing it down takes a load off your mind. After you’re settled, have your handyman go through the house with you and create a maintenance manual so that you learn to do routine things yourself.

In the meantime, relax with the knowledge that when a squirrel comes crashing through your window and is running around your house, you know who to call. And he’s on speed dial!

Kids have bionic ears — seriously, they do. When you're in the car, radio blaring, windows open, talking on the cell phone they pick up on the tiniest little piece of information and then disseminate it at the worst possible time in order to destroy you. They wait until it will have do the greatest amount of damage.

"Mommy, Uncle Joe is having a baby and he's not married," my daughter announced to my friends recently at a baby shower.

They are small terrorists — ready to strike when they know you are the most vulnerable.

"Mommy, didn't you wear that to bed?" My daughter said within earshot of her teacher as I pulled up in the afternoon carpool line.

So, if you should be so foolish as to talk junk about your ex, expect the worst.

"Daddy, Mommy said you were stupid and that you left her for a slut," you're little darling will say to her father. And this my friends will end up on the table in family court — a table that needs to be squeaky clean in order for you to achieve your objectives.

Bottom line — count to three before you run your mouth, or better yet, say it in the shower when no one is listening!

Hi... my name is Gregory Allan Cramer and I'm an interior designer. My job is to help people realize their visions, bringing them to life through design. Helping divorced clients reinvent themselves is a special talent. Of course listening is one of the key components. After careful consideration of the decorating options and once the practical discussions are over, that's when the real fun starts — shopping!

Starting over is hard enough, but when faced with an obstacle like divorce, a person can become very overwhelmed. People who try to tackle too many problems and projects at the same time tend not to get much done except think about all they have to do. I suffer from the same problem except I'm not getting divorced — I'm just trying to do too many projects at the same time!

Hiring an interior design professional is a step forward in starting your new post-divorce life. Having someone you can trust and confide in to make your home a sanctuary, a place to feel safe and relax in, will help you start the recovery process.

COLOR: One of the easiest ways to transform your space and one that has the biggest impact is color. Color is the soul of the space. Different colors can transform a blank canvas into an artistic vision. I'm very passionate about the use of color.

I've tried to do entire rooms and homes in beige but let me tell you, fuchsia is the new neutral in my book. Now, that might be a little too bold for some of you, but there are other alternatives.

Choosing the correct color to reflect your style is a very simple task. Think about what you love. It may be the hot sand in Miami, the winter snow in Colorado or the crisp, cool feel of the air on an autumn day in Vermont — each of these has a feeling of color associated with a place and time.

One of my dearest clients and her husband are in the midst of a nasty separation, which is leading to an even nastier divorce. At this juncture they are in a furniture battle, throwing things across the room, yes like "War of the Roses."

She is devastated. I tried to console her as best as I could but to no avail. At last I had a better idea. Let's go shopping. Shopping always saves the day. All of a sudden the twinkle came back to her eyes.

That day I had in mind antique lighting to properly light her new loft-like apartment. So we rode up to Stamford, Conn. to The Hiden Galleries. These types of antique galleries are great resources. Everything is in one location from lighting to rugs to sofas, etc.

It was instant retail therapy. The day turned out to be a success. We found many little treasures to help jumpstart her new life and look in the new apartment. It's very hard to downsize to a small living situation when you're used to an 8,700-sq. ft. house. But I managed to distract her from her troubles for a brief time and it was productive simultaneously.

Don't forget that small changes can make a dramatic difference to the way you feel. Every one has a different idea about interior design. My own belief has always been to make my clients feel comfortable, and at home in their own space, regardless of the size or the budget involved. Of, course the bigger the budget, the easier it is to create a wonderful environment.

For most clients the real trick is to not break the bank and achieve the same results with a modest amount. It can be very challenging, but with a little creativity, wonders never cease. With that said, every person I deal with has similar situations but different priorities in terms of what is important to them.

Research purchases carefully. Use the internet to find the best products and to identify the lowest cost suppliers.

Spend in a disciplined manner. Buy only what you've budgeted.

Pay attention to coupons. Yes they're a pain, but they actually do save money when used for planned purchases.

Take public transportation instead of buying a car. At the very least, carpool whenever possible. Just one day of car pooling weekly helps automobiles last up to 20% longer, and also lowers other transportation costs too.

Track all spending. Keeping a spending log will open your eyes to "holes" in your budget.

Barter baby-sitting services with friends and family.

Carry your snack to the movies instead of buying there. Popcorn — at $4.50 a box and Coke for $4.75 a cup — are bad for your wallet, or your date's. Carry an apple and bottle of water in your purse instead. You'll save big bucks for you and make a great impression on him.

Organize a weekly "night-in" with your friends as opposed to going out. Take turns hosting, but require each guest to bring food to share with the group.

Pack your lunch. Carrying twice a week lowers costs by 40% a month!
Buy soft drinks in bulk and keep supplies in your desk at work instead of buying drinks at the café.

Drink tea at work instead of coffee — keep bags in your desk.

Pay cash instead of charging. At 18% APR, a thousand dollars in revolving credit results in almost $15 in interest in just thirty days. In a year, that adds up to $180 of your hard earned cash!

Buy insurance from one company to get a multi-policy discount.

When buying clothes, select separates that coordinate.

So, I told her about a Home Equity Line of Credit or HELOC. It's a revolving line of credit, typically with a variable interest rate. A fixed home equity loan (sometimes called a "second mortgage") is just that: a loan for a fixed amount, term, and interest rate.

With either, the amount you can borrow is based on the equity in your home and typical credit underwriting factors. Both are subordinate to primary mortgages, but because fixed home equity loans work somewhat like conventional mortgages, people sometimes refer to them as "seconds."

What the difference? HELOCs are revolving lines of credit in which the lender sets a credit line for you. You borrow by using the line as you wish to pay for repairs, consolidate bills, a vacation, cosmetic surgery, whatever. HELOCs are often offered with low application fees and closing costs (and sometimes with no costs at all). Interest rates are usually somewhat higher than for fixed home equity loans.

HELOCs often have terms of 10 or 15 years and at maturity, the entire remaining balance is due in full (unless you refinance your mortgage). During the term of the HELOC, you pay at least the minimum each month (just like a credit card). In most states, the mortgage company can foreclose if you default on a HELOC or fixed home equity loan just as they can on first mortgages.

Take for example, the case of a woman who, after careful planning and some spirited negotiation, got the family's luxury home in a hotly-contested divorce settlement. Located in an upscale neighborhood, the home was valued at more than a million dollars. And because it had originally been purchased with her ex-husband some fifteen years earlier, the property had more than quadrupled in value over the years. What's not to be happy about?

Yes, a mortgage was needed to secure the home, but the monthly payment was well within her ability (or so she thought). She felt compelled to keep the property to avoid changing schools, and to minimize the impact of the divorce on her two sons. "Besides, on my salary, there's no way I'd ever be able to afford another home as nice as this one," she told me.

Less than two years after the divorce, things started going downhill. First, the water heater needed to be replaced — a $700 expense, charged to her VISA card. Then, there was a leaky roof — $1,600, also charged to the card. In the summer, the pool's filter pump died right after she returned from vacation (the repair and the vacation went on the card too). She wondered what might come next.

Then, toward the end of summer, her car's transmission failed. Because the warranty had expired a year earlier, she was facing a nearly $2,000 repair bill.