As men set their sights on women’s earnings, their entrepreneurial spirits, and sometimes, their celebrity value, women are increasingly finding the picture of so-called equality looking very strange. How is it that women increasingly are paying alimony?

Almost one in three married women makes more money than their spouses do. This economic statistic is certainly a factor why women increasingly are paying alimony.
However, in our society, women seem surprised to have to pay alimony even if they earn more.

This is because it is a fairly recent phenomenon in our legal courts. Secondly, for many women who are breadwinners (in a failed marriage), it’s not as if they ever expected to out earn their husbands, or do all of the heavy lifting in the family, or end up giving him spending money as you would do with a child. Women often feel cheated by the legal system because it is possible that they have to reward a sit at home bum.

The wife’s sense of being the victim is intensified when children are involved. Women share disproportionately the burden of money making, household chores, and child rearing. This is usually compounded by the lack of gratitude, appreciation, and emotional support a breadwinner is typically afforded by the household.

I have assisted many divorcing women who face the prospect of paying alimony. Our financial strategy is predicated upon her entire contribution to the family, including her spouse. Most importantly, they realize they are not an anomaly. They are freed of social stigma and part of a trend that is growing in ranks.

Most of us have heard the jokes portraying lawyers as money-hungry sharks. Unfortunately some of these jokes are based on truths. As you begin this journey, your choice of a divorce attorney is among the most important — a make or break decision.

A contested divorce, like any conflict, takes a path all its own. The stresses and strains often lead to dark places no one wants to go. This is when you need the right attorney. This is when you need a steady hand on your shoulder and the voice in your ear saying "sit down; collect yourself."

You need a lawyer you can trust. In a moment when all of life seems to spiral out of control you want the luxury of not having to rely completely on yourself. A good attorney is a shielding presence who will reassure you while giving you good advice. Here, five ways to work successfully with your lawyer:

1. Pay now or pay later. Beware of an attorney who takes a smaller retainer fee but doesn't file motions. Some couples wait for months on end to get court orders for spousal and child support payments because their attorney did not file the necessary motions.

2. Time is money. Remember that when you speak to your attorney on the phone, you are being charged per minute. Don't make the mistake of chattering on and on. Be to the point and use a timer. If it is a routine question, such as the date of a hearing, speak with the support staff rather than the attorney. Time for support staff is not often billed; and if it is, the fee is much lower than the attorney's rate.

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Here are my answers to questions posted by firstwivesworld.com bloggers:

Question: How much quality do the online services ensure? I mean, to go a route that seems so impersonal and not in the least secure seems rather risky.

Answer: This is a very interesting question because I do not believe any online service promises a "quality divorce". What they "promise" to those who seek an uncontested divorce is to save you legal fees. And let's be clear: Most online divorce services simply complete your paperwork based on the information you provide. More often than not, the rest is up to you. When you get right down to it, the "quality" of your divorce when using an online service, is really in your own hands.

Question: Are online divorces recognized Internationally?

Answer: Much the way a rose by any other name is still a rose, an online divorce is still a divorce. Which means if you are validly divorced in the United States, it's likely your divorce will be recognized in another country. Having said that, the best place to look for answers as to whether your U.S. divorce will be recognized internationally, is to check with the country of your concern. By way of example, if you needed to know whether your divorce abroad will be recognized in the states, you can find answers at the U.S. Department of State website here.

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Here are my answers to questions posted by firstwivesworld.com bloggers: 

Question: Can an agreement reached in Mediation be re-negotiated at a later date? Do both parties have to return to the table?

Answer: An agreement signed in a divorce settlement is a binding contract. It can always be changed if both of you agree that it should be changed, and how. Then (in NY, at least) you can amend the agreement by signing a summary of the changes before a notary public.

If you are not both in agreement, then the terms of the original agreement will determine what your obligations are. If one of you feels strongly that the agreement is no longer working, you can always come back to mediation to discuss the problems.

Question: About how many sessions does it take for most couples to reach an agreement in mediation?

Answer: The majority of couples who have mediated divorces have around 2 - 4 mediation sessions. Although that seems surprisingly short to many people, once we get an overview of your situation, and begin to clearly define and understand the precise points on which there is disagreement—and why—things begin to fall into place; and the resolution creates some momentum, which can create additional goodwill, and cause more solutions to emerge.

Question: My soon-to-be ex and I are interested in mediation, and I think we have each other's best interest in mind enough to be successful. But I'm afraid once we actually get into the nitty-gritty, things could get ugly and take ages to resolve. How does a mediator determine if a couple just isn't suitable for mediation, and how long could it take them to determine that?

Answer: This question requires a 3 part answer.

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Here are my answers to questions posted by firstwivesworld.com bloggers:

From Megan Thomas: I cannot afford to pay the mortgage on my own, so if I leave my husband I'll have to get a tiny apartment. Can this be used against me when it comes time to deal with custody issues?

Megan: When deciding custody issues, Courts look to what is in the best interests of the children, not who earns the most money or who can provide better housing or monetary advantages. However, if you are the primary caregiver to your children, then maybe you should stay in the marital home and seek to have the Court order your husband to move out. While the divorce is pending you can make an application to the Court to have your husband continue to pay his share of the bills or mortgage until you have worked things out. You are also entitled to your share of the equity in the marital home, so maybe you can afford to buy him out and stay there with the children, or alternatively he might agree to defer the home sale until the children are older. You may be entitled to alimony and child support which would assist you in being able to pay the mortgage. My advice is not to rush into anything without considering all the options.

From Elaina Goodman: I'd never consider taking my kids' dad out of their (almost) daily lives. We share custody, and neither of us would have it any other way. Still, I wonder even if their time is split evenly with both parents, does it benefit them for one parent (me) to have full custody i.e. decision making power?

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Here are my answers to questions posted by firstwivesworld.com bloggers:

From Megan Thomas: Is there such a thing as an actual "legal separation" where you file legal documents and a petition and such, or are people considered legally separated when they live apart?

Megan: Living apart is different from being legally separated. Although both situations may feel the same, i.e. you and your husband live in different places, the meaning and implications of each choice is different. When you have a signed legal separation agreement that resolves all financial, child and spousal issues associated with the marriage, you have greater legal protection. In addition, you can use your legal agreement to outline rights you want to retain, such as retaining your ownership in the original home, despite moving out. You and your spouse remain married when you are legally separated, but should you choose to get a divorce, all of the details have already been worked out. Note that states handle the legal separation differently. For instance, in New York, if you have a legal separation for 1 year, then you can file for a no-fault divorce. If you go straight into a divorce without having been legally separated, then you must have a fault divorce. Check on your state's laws regarding the meaning of a legal separation.

From Julie Savard: I left my husband a few months back, but I'm running out of money. He's not paying child support for the kids, and I don't know what to do. Who can help me get the money he owes me?

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So, you want to know what to expect when you're ending a marriage? Of course you do. While most women enjoy a good suspense novel from time to time, divorce needn't be mysterious.

What women want to know most during the divorce process includes all-important issues like, "What am I entitled to financially?", "Do I need a lawyer?", "How do I avoid becoming an emotional train wreck?" and even, "Are there any nice men out there?" Truth is, divorce is a process with a beginning, middle, and yes, an end.

Fortunately, there are resources available online to assist women with virtually every aspect of the divorce process. Not all websites are created equal, however.

When it comes to researching the legal aspects of divorce, you can save time and energy if you avoid websites that are not "state specific".

What I mean by that is this: If you are divorcing in New York, chances are the only accurate information you will get regarding the laws of divorce, child support, child custody and equitable distribution is by researching your questions at a website specifically geared for your state's particular laws.

The best way to find state specific sources is to first access your state's State Bar website. There, you can usually find links to state-specific court forms and other information.

Another good way to access the targeted information that will be most useful to you is to access website directories that link you to various state-specific information. One such website is http://www.usdivorcelaws.com/.

Another comprehensive website that is cognizant of women's need for state specific-information is http://themodernwomansdivorceguide.com/states/. There you will find state-specific information just a click away.

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Warning: If you are arguing over who gets the "Endless Love" CD or a hairbrush, you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse are spiraling out of control. Yes, your "stuff" may have great sentimental value. And yes, telling your soon to be ex-spouse that you want something that you know he or she will want—just to annoy them—may give you some sense of satisfaction at the time. But you have to stop and regroup.

It is very important that you take a practical approach when dividing up your marital "stuff" (or as we lawyers like to call it, "personal property"). It makes no sense to spend more money on attorney's fees or appraisal fees than your "stuff" is worth.

The most effective approach is for you and your soon to be ex-spouse to make a list of what you want to take with you after the divorce. Exchange your lists and negotiate the items you both want. In this day and age of technology, this is no reason to fight over photos anymore...just make copies. And when it comes down to the fishing pole, just give it to him. You can even flip a coin for the unresolved items, especially if these items do not have substantial value.

If you have personal property of great value and you cannot agree on the value and how to divide the items, you will have to get them appraised. You will incur appraisal fees and probably counsel fees in order to resolve the issue.

In most jurisdictions, if you brought personal property into the marriage, these personal items will be considered separate property and not subject to division. If you purchased items during your marriage, these items will be considered marital property, and are subject to division.
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When you are going through a divorce, the world is turned upside down. Your present life has changed—but your expectations for your future have also changed.

You and your ex might decide to mediate if:

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