Women are hesitant and afraid to use the one word that frees them, honors them, earns them respect and gets them what they want. It’s a word too many of us think of as negative, but once uttered in the tug of war that is divorce, is extraordinarily satisfying. You will come to use with increasing frequency and cherish, once you master the skill of saying NO.

In her book, The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It—and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever (McGraw-Hill), Dr. Susan Newman, a social psychologist and author tells us how to get over the hump of being agreeable and why we should. She talks about her own divorce and how the word NO changed her life.

You’ll want to start flexing your NO-muscle to begin to feel truly liberated. Here are five basic steps from The Book of NO to get you started:

1. Make a list of your yeses over the period of a week. — One request could send you into a tailspin, while it might take four or more to set off someone else. The real gauge is how pressured, tight for time, or resentful you feel.

2. Pay attention to how you parcel out your time. — When your time is well managed, you’ll keep some in reserve for what’s most important to you.

3. Get your priorities straight. — Who has first crack at you without your feeling burdened or anxious?

4. Know your limits or start to define them if you don’t know what they are. — They can be emotional or physical or both, but there’s a point at which your line is crossed. How long are you willing to put up with your ex’s or soon-to-be ex’s demands?

Sometimes it's really hard being an adult. Or rather a mature adult. There are always parts of ourselves that want to act like a child and tell the ex off. But we can't do that because we love our children. And he is part of them whether we like it or not.

On milestone events, this problem is magnified. But you have to be focused and find a solution that creates peace vs. war.

Your instructions are: plan, plan, plan. Sit down with your ex prior to the graduation and agree that the important thing here is that this is a happy day for your child. And work out in advance how close the relationship is between your child and his stepmother, her parents, her siblings, even her friends. It's hard to accept that on those days when Colton isn't in your house, he has an entire world of relationships you might not know about. You therefore must find a way of asking your child which people he would like to be there. Getting tickets is another matter.

Tickets are often limited. If there are only two tickets, it makes sense that the biological parents attend, and act in concert during the ceremony. No cold shoulders, dismissive shrugs, no eye rolling. This is a day that is important to both of you. Act like it.

As for the rest of the family (and that means all those people you might not have met, on his stepmother's side), they should be entrusted with planning and executing the graduation party. Siblings might not even get tickets for the graduation, and will have to mark their time at the party house. Make it clear to them that they are not expected to be part of the diplomatic corps. But that you do have certain standards you expect of them on this day. And then spell those out.

The very concept of your ex's other children can be enormously challenging, whether it is a newborn or adult children with their own children and careers. The first time you see them, or learn of their existence, you may be flooded with strange and unfamiliar emotions. The fact that they hold some kind of place in your ex's heart, mind, or pocketbook can be threatening. And when you perceive or experience your primary relationship with your ex partner to be in danger, or his relationship with your children potentially weakened, then it makes sense that you would quite normally think about ways — rational or irrational — to protect your own.

Just because it makes sense doesn't mean, however, that you let your inner demons rule. You can try to take the high road and ignore any negative feelings you have about these children. But there is often a deep and primal response that needs to be acknowledged. Because whatever your relationship with your ex happens to be, your fears regarding your standing or security with him has to affect you. Sometimes at least saying to yourself that you are afraid can help calm you down. The reality is another child/children have come on the scene — and you are going to have to find a way that contains your worst fears.

Possibly, if you are able to imagine how you would like your ex's new partner to feel or behave with your children, then that may help. Thinking about things over which you have no control can be very crazy making if you let yourself get carried away with fears, doubts and suspicions.

Many people ask me if it is a good idea — or even possible — to become friends with their ex-husband's new wife. This can be great if it happens, but basically I think it's a stretch! We choose our friends, not our relatives, and in a sense your ex's new wife is a step relative. While there is nothing wrong with being friends, it's pretty unusual. Friends are people who have dinner together, share thoughts and feelings, and have a strong comfort level with one another. Since she is married to the person who you used to be intimate with and then divorced — which is not friendly — sharing thoughts and feelings seems pretty unlikely!

There is, however, a need to be polite and pleasant.  This is in the best interests of your kids, who have been through enough and may be having a hard time with their new stepmother.  One client realized that she would have to be in the same room with her ex and his new wife at school functions and birthday parties. She was having a rough time with it. I suggested that she take a friend or two along to act as buffers, plan some pleasant conversation with the new wife, and then enjoy her friends.  It made it much easier, and she could feel good about herself for modeling polite behavior for her children.

Along with your grocery list, you may want to tack up Dr. Linda Olson's list for blended families on the fridge. After all, you don't want chilly relationships at home.

1. Maintain Boundaries — Do not elevate your son to "man of the house," or turn your daughter into a co-parent as your partner brings new children into the home. This a recipe for disaster, and will lead to feelings of failure and resentment. Maintaining good boundaries makes your kids feel emotionally safe, and puts them on a par with the step-sibs. If you need support, turn to your friends, not your kids.

2. Take It Slow — Every failed marriage (including my own) was in trouble the day the marriage started. Know what you contributed to the failure of your marriage. You want to avoid making the same mistakes twice, especially when a breakup would destroy an even more complicated family. Take a class or join a group. Your new relationship should be based on Chemistry, Compatibility and Commitment. Chemistry draws us to others, compatibility is what fosters kinship (and allows all these strangers to build a life as a family) and commitment is the assurance that those important people in our lives can be trusted and that they can trust us. And whatever you do, don't add a new child to the family until things have settled down a bit.

3. Don't strive for perfection. Your kids do not have to be perfect to make this blended family work. Of course there are going to be problems. Any family has problems. But while you shouldn't aim for perfection, you should also set standards. A healthy family looks forward, shares a vision, and accepts that you all have to help each other. You can't blame someone else for your problems, and you can't expect them to fix you.