I get a lot of reader mail at FocusOnStyle.com — I think that I was born giving advice, but it’s well over a decade that I’ve been problem-solving professionally, and add another one to being in the fashion biz. So when it comes to pining away on dress dilemmas, I probably have heard (almost) everything, and seen plenty, including some bouts of male fraud.

But what about you, the dress distressed divorced diva? It’s been some time since you last went on a first date or that you even attempted to see what’s out there in Guyville. Can it still be that nerve-wrecking to decide about what to wear on a date? You betcha. But it doesn’t have to.

Going on a date can be scary enough when you’re a little rusty. Add the pressure of being judged by your outfit, and most of us can stymie ourselves into a night of indecision, droopy sweats, some takeout Chinese, and a very close relationship with the remote control. Stop. Get out of the house and learn to look like the smart vamp that you are!

If spending time with a new man still gives you reason for acid reflux, start practicing. Understand the value of male friends — gay, straight, young, or old — to take the edge off thinking every date is a potential Mr. Maybe and to help you to be more at ease with male company. Then get yourself some good lingerie — everything from lacy and risqué to body shapers that give you a boost. Toss out all the undies that once shared a home with Ex-Man and start fresh, from the inside out

Most newly divorced divas fall into four types when it comes to perfecting a date-friendly wardrobe:

1) Close to You — You never lost your sense of style, but divorce certainly chipped away at your self-confidence. You need to know that you do have that extra sizzle to make heads turn by taking your style up a notch.

I remember sitting in a doctors reception area before I was divorced and reading an article called the Secret Perk of Being Divorced. My marriage was hanging by a thread at the time and I was very sad about the idea of having a broken family. The author was recently divorced and wrote about the wonderful feeling of having a whole weekend to herself while the kids were with their dad. Ironically, she wrote he rarely made time for the kids when they were married, but was now spending every other weekend doing everything from making pancakes to baths at night.

Something clicked in me when I read that article, and I started to focus on the ways my life would improve if my marriage failed. One of the things I looked forward to the most was more quiet time to read and journal. I also looked forward to being able to talk on the phone with my friends, and have long conversations or simply silly conversations without him wanting me to get off the phone or have judgment about what we were talking about.

When we did ultimately divorce, one thing that I was able to do again was take long workouts on Saturday morning and have long lunches with friends. I have always needed a lot of time to spend with my girlfriends and to replenish my soul in nature working out. I look forward to that time every weekend, and could not imagine my life with out it.

I often get asked if I am dating, and while I love men and miss sex a lot, I am now even more particular about the people with whom I spend time. I love my children and am so fulfilled taking care of them. I love my freedom and ability to see friends and spend time alone. I have asked myself if something is wrong with me because I have not gotten into another serious relationship or marriage in the last few years. Truth is, I love the ability to come and go with the kids as I want. I am so happy. I am not weird, just protective of my time.

Safety continues to be the #1 issue facing today's woman travelers. There are many actions during the travel process (such as getting into a cab), where a woman is vulnerable but she takes with blind trust because that is the only way for her to get from point A to point B or conduct her business. By arming yourself with some tips, tricks and tools you'll be prepared to feel more confident and safe and handle the unexpected turbulence that might come your way.

Some key security tips that every traveler should use:

Check-in Checklist.

In a hotel, don't let the desk clerk announce your room in a voice that can be heard by anyone but you. If you are signing a hotel charge to your room, do not leave the signed receipt on the table; give it directly back to the server. Keep yourself safe and keep unwanted visitors out - check to be sure there's no one else in your room every time you enter, check the phone to make sure it works, and use door bolts and chains. Fire safety: don't trust the map on the back of the door; do a dry run - drop your bags and find the closest exits, then relax. When you go out, leave a note in your room detailing where you went, what time you left and what you were wearing.

Identity Insurance.

Do not allow your name, credit card number, home address or phone to be discussed or printed on any visible document, including luggage tags.

Put Your Best Foot Forward.

Do you like to run as part of your work out routine while on the road? You don't have to run alone - contact a health club or running store and inquire about running clubs; and join one of them for your daily run.

What's in your Wallet.

Minimize the number of credit cards you carry. Good rule: one for business and one for personal. If you are traveling internationally, alert your bank that you will be out of the country and to expect uncommon charges.

Divorce is always painful. Even if you are the leaving party, the last months or years of an unraveling relationship take their toll on self-esteem and the ability to give and accept love and sex. If someone left you unexpectedly, the toll on your self-image can be more devastating.

The natural reaction is to hide and tend to one's wounds for awhile — and in many cases, that is a realistic and appropriate thing to do.

But there comes a time to stop all that and reclaim one's womanliness, one's sexuality and one's bliss and fun in life. My Rx is to go out and date, flirt, and see where it all leads — hopefully, eventually, to bed. I do think the best cure for a wounded heart is to re-engage in the world — and, if not find a new love, at least a new lover. There is much to be said about the healing properties of an orgasm.

A lover is just not that hard to find these days. Even if you are over fifty, even if you have thighs and a tummy, there is someone worthy out there who will adore you. I am living proof of that statement. After my divorce from a 23-year marriage, I had to get back out there and put my body and ego on the line. While I had the advantage of being a sex/relationship researcher (and the relationship expert for Perfectmatch.com), it still isn't easy to start dating and mating again.

However, it was and is worthwhile. Sex was no less passionate than it had been in my twenties.

My ego was actually more resilient. And good men and lovers — and love — were available too.

Online dating is a boon to older people and, while you may have to take an anthropological lens on some of your outings to find a way to enjoy some of your dates, eventually you will find someone special.

Smart, attractive, talented women everywhere are falling victim to “The Good Girl" Syndrome. If you have been feeling inhibited — whether it be with regard to your career, relationships, or parenting your kids — it is likely due to unconsciously trying to remain "the good girl."

So ask yourself this…

Question: What is the adult version of "the good girl?"

Response: We remain "the good girl" every time we say yes when we want to say no. We are "the good girl" when people hurt us and we don’t say a word about it. We are "the good girl" when we totally disagree with a situation yet go along with it anyway.

Question: Why do we succumb to being "the good girl?"

Response: This happens in those times or areas in our lives where we question ourselves. We question whether we could get a better job or intimate partner. We question if we what we have to say has merit. When these things are in question, though, what we are really in doubt of is our own value. Doubt of our value can lead us to look toward others for validation of our worth. "Being good," or trying to please and meet the needs of others is is one way by which we try to achieve that validation.

Question: What impact can this have on us in the long run?

Response: Being "the good girl" can leave a successful and attractive woman struggling to find her ideal partner. Being "the good girl" can leave a strong intelligent woman stuck in an unfulfilling career. Being "the good girl" can leave this fabulous woman to in a perpetual struggle with a particular member of her family.

Question: How can we avoid reverting to being "the good girl?"

Response:

When FWW asked me to do a segment on travel destinations for divorced women, I thought about the places I have enjoyed since the lucky day when I became an ex-wife.

NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA

Here you always have a dance partner when you visit places such as Rock-n-Bowl on Zydeco night (Thursdays) or Tipitinas for Cajun night (Sundays). Yes, you can check out the room and ask the best-looking gentleman to dance. It's the custom in a town where the motto is "Let the good times roll". There are wonderful places to eat at the counter - Emeril's NOLA in the French Quarter, RICHIE (by Todd English) at Harrah's Hotel, and LUKE (John Besh's latest food venture) on St. Charles Avenue. Just check out the counter before you sit down and pick out an interesting-looking companion. It's perfectly acceptable for the woman to begin the conversation. And then there are wonderful bars such as the revolving Carousel in Hotel Monteleone or Napoleon House (both in the French Quarter). The best place to meet interesting foreign tourists is at Cafe du Monde on the edge of Jackson Square, where the new man of your dreams at the next table may have just arrived from Paris or Rome.

SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA

Last week, I talked about the friendships that need to be cultivated during the divorce process. This week, I'm going to talk about girlfriends who are important in their own way but may not be girlfriends who aren't able to offer the kind of support you need.

Please don't think I'm saying, throw your friends away if they are of no use to you at this particular time. Not at all! Keep all your girlfriends; just know that there are some you want to keep closer than others when going through a divorce.

Our girlfriends always have a place in our lives. They play a role and fill a need. What you need to do is be able to identify the girlfriend who will help you through and the girlfriend who will only add to the stress and confusion you are already feeling.

For example...

—You call a girlfriend and tell her the latest irrational thing your ex has done and her response is that he needs his ass kicked or even worse, she suggests someone who can kick his ass. She is a girlfriend but she is also an instigator. She hasn't learned the fine art of listening. She inadvertently fans the flames and escalates the conflict. That is her job in life and right now, you don't have an opening in your life for that position.

—You feel like talking so you call your girlfriend. The only problem is, every time you call she is in a hurry...she has an errand to run, has to get dinner on the table or needs to finish her manicure. You need to talk but she never seems to have the time. This girlfriend either can't be bothered with your problems or has such an aversion to conflict that your problems cause her anxiety. Whatever her problem is, she doesn't belong on the list of girlfriends you go to for support.

My pastor said something recently that really impressed me. He said tell me who your friends are, how you spend your time and what you read and I will tell you who you are.

Time can be used to enrich and enhance your life or to tear down and destroy your life. Did you ever notice how you feel after having a long conversation with a friend who is constantly stuck in problems. She might go from one bad relationship to another. Or have health problems or marriage problems. It's draining. You get off the phone and if you're honest with yourself, you regret the time you spent going round and round on the same problems.

Last week I really hit bottom with this issue. On Friday nights my children are with their dad so I have the whole night to myself and how I spend that time can really offer a new source of energy, passion and abundance to my life, or drain me and deplete my life.

I chose to see a movie that many friends were raving about and I set aside the night to see it. I didn't t take the time to read the storyline or any of the reviews and trusted my friends' recommendations. Well, you know what happened? It was awful, at least in my opinion. Spending almost three hours with this hideous character was a big, fat waste of time. I left that movie with my friends and said I'd never spend three hours doing something again that I didn't have an advance description about.

Spending your time productively is important because time is money. Time is our most scarce commodity and must be used wisely. My most productive friends get up between 5:00 a.m. and 5:30 a.m. They read, meditate, pray or journal. Then their day is highly scheduled and planned. It can include a three hour lunch with friends but it's planned and time is blocked.

Friends, if you are a woman, you know the virtues of surrounding yourself with girlfriends. From high school through college, a girl knows she needs friends to count on when a crisis arises. The nice thing about crisis in our younger years is that they were easily remedied and friends were always close by.

Divorce changes relationships even relationships with friends you thought would always be there. You may have moments of feeling abandoned and wondering why some friends aren't calling or offering support. You may grapple with deciding whom you can confide in and whom you should keep at arms length. You may find yourself having to redefine the word "friendship" and exactly what you want from it.

Women are often told to surround themselves with a good support system during the divorce process. What we aren't told is that, just because someone is a friend doesn't mean they will be offering the right kind of support. Friends mean well but they can also exacerbate conflict in their misguided attempt to support.

You will be counting on your girlfriends to keep you grounded during the divorce process. It will benefit you to make sure the ones you confide in and lean on are looking out for your best interest. Below is a list of the kind of girlfriend you are going to need. Believe me, they won't have a problem with you taking advantage of the strengths they have to offer. Keep their phone numbers on speed dial!

—The friend who is always up for a cocktail, no matter what day, what time. A good friend to have.

—The friend is a computer genius. Invaluable!!

—Hold on tight to the friends who start calling and e-mailing more often once they hear the news of your divorce. Unless of course they are only doing it out of morbid curiosity. You will know the difference.

Dating safely after your divorce is an absolute necessity in today's world. Some people can begin dating again within a few months, others take years.

Whatever the length of time you decide to take is up to you, but it is important that you do take some time to get to know yourself again and embrace the single person that you once were before your marriage.

According to a poll of over 1,500 women conducted by womansavers.com, 31% feel that a date turns into a relationship after dating for 3 months, 20% after you've had sex, 16% when he says I love you or after 6 months, and a mere 14% after 5 dates.

There is no rush — so take your time and do your research. Here are some tips:

1. Explore options of meeting a safe date through friends, church, school, the gym, at a party or even walking a dog in the park. If you decide to date online, be sure to go to established date sites that have a long-term success ratio.

2. Try to get a first and last name of your potential date as soon as possible — Google his name, run it through the womansavers.com database, and check your local felon registry. If you think that this person is someone you may be interested in long term, do a background check on them. If you have children, you must screen your dates even more because many times pedophiles will target single mothers for access to her children.

3. Stay as anonymous as possible and don't give out your real name or personal details early on. When you meet someone for the first time, meet in a public place and use only your first name. Wait for a while before becoming intimate. This allows you to screen out the players who are only after sex.

4. If you do decide to become intimate, use protection until both parties have been tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

Good luck and safe dating to all!