Shed enough tears? Done second-guessing your actions, his actions and all the "what-ifs?"

Congratulations! Now it's time to start dating.

If you're middle-aged like me, a new man won't come into your life without some effort on your part. In other words, you've got to get out there. Stop thinking about it and worrying about it. Just do it! Here's how: 

Prepare yourself. Get out your notebook. Jot down some places you can meet men. Ball games? Lacrosse matches? Try out an activity that's slightly beyond your comfort zone (join a bowling league, the library's book discussion group, a local hiking club). You may meet people you wouldn't ordinarily meet in your normal routine, and you might develop a new hobby or passion. Of course, you should also seek out areas that interest you, such as the local gardening club, health club or wine enthusiasts group. You may not meet your next date at one of these events but your circle of friends and acquaintances will broaden and you never know which of these new friends has a brother, friend or uncle who would be the perfect date for you! 

Divorce is always painful. Even if you are the leaving party, the last months or years of an unraveling relationship take their toll on self-esteem and the ability to give and accept love and sex. If someone left you unexpectedly, the toll on your self-image can be more devastating.

The natural reaction is to hide and tend to one's wounds for awhile — and in many cases, that is a realistic and appropriate thing to do.

But there comes a time to stop all that and reclaim one's womanliness, one's sexuality and one's bliss and fun in life. My Rx is to go out and date, flirt, and see where it all leads — hopefully, eventually, to bed. I do think the best cure for a wounded heart is to re-engage in the world — and, if not find a new love, at least a new lover. There is much to be said about the healing properties of an orgasm.

A lover is just not that hard to find these days. Even if you are over fifty, even if you have thighs and a tummy, there is someone worthy out there who will adore you. I am living proof of that statement. After my divorce from a 23-year marriage, I had to get back out there and put my body and ego on the line. While I had the advantage of being a sex/relationship researcher (and the relationship expert for Perfectmatch.com), it still isn't easy to start dating and mating again.

However, it was and is worthwhile. Sex was no less passionate than it had been in my twenties.

My ego was actually more resilient. And good men and lovers — and love — were available too.

Online dating is a boon to older people and, while you may have to take an anthropological lens on some of your outings to find a way to enjoy some of your dates, eventually you will find someone special.

Here is some good news...orgasms relieve stress! If you are feeling stressed-out and overwhelmed, a good roll in the hay might be just what you need. Then again, if you're divorced, raising children, working full time and up to your knees in laundry, an orgasm may be the last thing on your mind.

If you're too stressed-out to focus on sex and the only sex organ you've come into contact with for months is your own, I've got some tips for you—tips that will at least get you thinking about sex and hopefully jump-start that libido you've put on the backburner. Try a couple of these tips and I promise your motor will be humming again in no time. All you will need is a partner and, as we all know, those are easy to come by.

Think about sex. Think about it for more than a few seconds. Dive feet-first into delicious sexual fantasy. The great thing about fantasy is you can have sex with anyone you want and do anything you desire. So, pick someone who floats your boat, let him into your brain, and let the good times roll.

Practice Kegel exercises. You know what Kegels are -- they're the squeezing exercises your doctor told you to do after pregnancy. What your doctor probably didn't tell you is that they're also great for strengthening the pubococcygeus muscle, essential for orgasm. To do Kegels, take note of the muscle you use to stop urinary flow, then practice contracting that muscle, then gradually releasing it. Work up to 20 contractions three times a day.

I ran a little piece here not long ago called "In Defense Of The One-Night Stand," making the point that sex, love, and intimacy are three related but disparate states, and that you don't have to have all three in play in order to make a satisfying connection with someone.  Unless you do, of course. 

There are a lot of us who do need to have all three at once or risk feeling used, hollow, dirty, or just plain lonely. Especially in the dispiriting aftermath of divorce, I think one ignores that need at one's peril:  If you are feeling vulnerable, wounded, and betrayed, it is no time to go prove how tough you are by hooking up with strangers.

What if they're not strangers, though? The current phrase "friends with benefits" seems to have replaced the older, crasser, and yet less coldly transactional-sounding "f_ck buddies," but we all know what we're talking about, right? There's this guy, you like each other and there's mutual attraction, and you seem compatible enough in bed.  So, once a week, or a month, or a year if you're wired that way, you get together and have fun and part friends ‘til next time, or so it's supposed to go.  By either name, it's a functional enough arrangement when everybody has exactly the same degree of attachment (or, ideally, de-tachment).  But the tightrope walking!  The potential misunderstandings! The oh-so-delicate balance between "just" and "friends!" So few people can really finesse it and, failing that, it's often just another way to cause ourselves pain and disappointment—two things we don't need more of after a divorce, thank you.

Here are some questions from firstwivesworld.com bloggers. I hope my responses will be helpful!

From Megan Thomas: Can you recommend some books to read for healing a relationship?

There are a number of great books I'd recommend on this topic. My friend Lisa Steadman wrote, It's a Breakup Not a Breakdown about moving on and changing your life after a relationship. I've also heard that Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher is an insightful and inspiring read. Or, if you want a light-hearted advice book, I contributed to You Can Keep The Damn China: And 824 Other Great Tips on Dealing with Divorce in which hundreds of divorcees share their experiences of splitting up and moving on.

From Julie Savard: Do you believe that "living apart/together" relationships are healthy ones? Do you think this type of relationship is a good option to keep love together and that separating households can resolve some of the conflicts cohabitation brings to a marriage?

Many couples have unconventional arrangements that work for them. I know a married couple who swear by living apart, saying that the space keeps their passion alive and let's them maintain their independence and self-expression. I also know a divorced couple who both claim that this set-up distanced them so much that they started to lead very separate and disconnected lives. The bottom line is that living with another person will be both challenging and rewarding. A fulfilling relationship will look different to different people; and I truly believe that 'healthy' is defined by how much the relationship is meeting the needs of both people involved.

Five years ago, one of my best friends got divorced. Her husband met another woman and left her and their two small boys. Heartbroken and alone, she and her kids moved in with my family while she tried to get her bearings. Oh, did I mention the jerk who left her was my brother?

Until then, I had never seen divorce up close and personal. Most of the people I knew were in seemingly healthy marriages. When my sister-in-law moved in, I honestly imagined that home-cooked meals, some pretty new clothes, a bedroom makeover in feminine florals and oodles of babysitting would get her right back up on her feet. After all, “she’d be better off without him after what he did to her.” She was smart, young and pretty. Why was she moping around? “Shake it off.” I thought. “Get over it and move on.”

But for months, she couldn’t eat, sleep or digest what was happening to her. Not only had she lost her husband, she had lost her home, her role as a stay-at-home mom and her confidence.

As the months passed, I grew impatient with her. I wanted her to face life with more courage. When she took a job with a local school district and moved into a new condo with my nephews, I thought, “Wow, it’s been almost a year. I hope she snaps out of this soon.” But now that I’m divorced, I finally understand how wrong I’d been all along.

Here are some of the stupid things I said, and things that people have said to me that serve no purpose to the newly broken-hearted:

1. “Get over it and move on!” I shamefully admit that I said this to people who were in the “first trimester” of the divorce process. As I’ve since learned, it takes time to adjust to divorce. “Getting over it” is a lot easier said than done. Divorce is not the common cold, the symptoms don’t clear up in a week or two.

Here are my answers to questions posted by firstwivesworld.com bloggers:

From Naomi Dunne: We've replaced the traditional lightbulbs in our living room with CFLs and now the place is so white it looks like an office and not exactly romantic. Can you suggest some ways to warm up the space?

Naomi: It's true CFL bulbs do help lower your electric costs and are good for the environment but, at the cost of harsh, non-flattering, cold light. To combat this very cool white light, you must choose a color for the walls that absorb that cool light and refracts more warm toned light. One solution is to repaint your walls. If that's not possible, a very simple solution is to place a scarf in a warmer tone over the lamp to mask the harsh light and soften the tone in the room. Another way is to change the lamp shades to a warmer-hued fabric. If you can't find one ready-made, custom is the next option to explore.

From Megan Thomas: If I move out and into an apartment, my kids will go from having their own rooms to sharing one. What is the best way to decorate a room that a toddler boy and pre-school girl have to share?

Megan: A very simple way is to divide the room into two sides. For example one blue and one pink, to use an obvious color choice. If each child has their own bed, in this case you can decorate each side in the child's preference to make them feel the space is their own. Then try to incorporate decorative items in both colors on the opposite color side too unify the room. This is a fun and easy solution. Making a child feel at home in their own room is a challenging aspect of divorce but it can be done.