I was originally asked to write an article on "Making Unified Family Rules". However, after a few pathetic stabs at that topic, I realized it just wasn't something I could write about. My Mom had sole custody of me from day one, so I didn't really live in "two households". If you are looking for information on that topic, you should check out Debbie Nigro's interview with Dr. Scott Halzman here.

Instead, I'm using this article to discuss something I know intimately: What Moms can do when their ex isn't being much of a Dad to their child(ren).

My Dad and I have a great relationship. We're not close, but we talk every couple of months to catch up and share a good laugh. On birthdays, we send each other novelty gifts -- the kind of things women find immature and men find hysterical. It may sound silly, but this relationship means something to me, because ten years ago, we hardly had a relationship at all. And, interestingly, if it weren't for my Mom, I don't know that we'd ever have a relationship.

For most of my life, my Dad wasn't really interested in being a Dad. When we still lived in the same state, he was pretty good about showing up for weekend visits. But, even as a child, I knew there was something perfunctory about it all. I could tell spending time with me was more an obligation than a desire.

When my Mom and I moved halfway across the country, I saw much less of my Dad, of course. But it's when I did see him that I was most disappointed. Dad would fly out for a week-long visit with me, but then have to fly home after four days. He'd concoct some story about work, but I knew it was an excuse. I was crushed. My Dad didn't like me.

I spent over 10 years going to my Dad's House every other weekend, being picked-up on Friday and dropped off on Sunday, and if there is one thing I would share it's this — Insist that your Ex pick-up and drop-off the children.

My parents didn't really get along while I was growing up. My Dad never paid his very meager child support and my Mom was always going after him for it. As a result, I think my Dad did everything in his power to avoid my Mom. And this is the thing about the drop-off — its one time, every week, where they had to see each other. Only they didn't. As soon as my Step-mother was in the picture, my Dad sent her in his place. Right now you're probably asking yourself, like my Mother asked herself, "Well, what am I supposed to do about the way he behaves?" You probably feel that your hands are tied, and maybe they are. So all I want to suggest is this: Try. If he's avoiding you, and the drop-off altogether, by sending a stepmother, girlfriend, relative — talk to him. My Dad wasn't a "Bad Guy". He was just taking the easy way out, and I guess what I'm suggesting is that you make that a little harder for him to do.

It was a Saturday; I remember the morning distinctly because that was when it happened. I was sat down in a big brown and cozy recliner and told by my Father that he was moving out, along with some cock and bull filler words. You know the kind they use to make bologna in those huge factories? Anywho, I guess you could call me a lucky sod; I slept almost the entire day! Lucky AJ! Not really.

It's a strange kind of feeling when you walk down the stairs after taking a four-hour nap, step onto the living room carpet, and suddenly you look into the book case and the orange Disney trolley complete with goofy, Pluto, Donald duck, Mikey, and Minnie is suddenly gone. It's even stranger when you therefore realize that you haven't looked at that trolley since you were eight years old. Then, as you walk down the hallway leading into the kitchen you  notice that someone has removed your favorite hanging poem "Foot Prints" from the wall, and the nail that went along with it. It was then that it dawned on me that Dad was gone already. At first it was kind of Twilight-zoney, you know? But then I started to think and list off in my head everything that was gone. Suddenly, that trolley car meant more to me than all my limbs and extremities combined! And damn straight I wanted it back!! I'll have you know, I never got that trolley back.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, "kids aren't stupid" and they are very intuitive.  I never saw my parents fight or even raise their voices to each other, but I knew they weren't happy.  There was simply a shift in their behavior that didn't seem quite right to me.  They didn't seem quite as affectionate as before.  I noticed my dad started working longer hours than usual.  My mother started taking me on more weekend getaway trips out of town.  So what did I do when this started happening?  I asked my parents up front "What's going on?" 

Now I'm sure most kids aren't like me ... as a matter of fact, I know most kids aren't like me.  Most would probably become shy little snails, some would lash out with bad behavior and others might even try hurting themselves because they feel in some strange way that the divorce is their fault.  I never had that opportunity because of the forethought of my parents.

At an early age I got involved in the performing arts.  I started the drama club at my elementary school because I wanted to be on stage.  When my parents started the divorce process they really ramped up my involvement in performing so I was too distracted to see all the rest of the stuff that was going on in the background of my life.  As I stated in an earlier article my parents thought out everything they did concerning my upbringing and I see it more now (of course) than I did then.  They tried to keep my life as "normal" as possible and I thank them for that.  My father and mother took me to rehearsals and helped with fund raising for special events and they attended all my performances, of which there were many.  They were both really involved in my life and made me feel secure that I had a strong "family" foundation even though my parents weren't in the same home.

Most step moms don't expect warm and fuzz Hallmark greetings this holiday. But, you can have a loving relationship with your step children. It just takes time.

With about half of marriages ending in divorce and a strong remarriage rate, millions of women inherit children they are expected to love, honor and cherish the day they say, "I do." It's rarely easy. But it's worth the effort.

Here are some tips to help you bond with the brood you've been given:

Be patient with your stepchild and yourself. They key is to be realistic. Remember loving feelings do not spring up automatically on either side. As one step mom said to me, "I thought I would love my husband's ten-year-old son and I had a lot of guilt when I couldn't get past some of his bad behavior."

Be sensitive to the stress he or she is experiencing. Children of divorce have to deal with many changes during and after divorce. First they had to adjust to life with a single parent, now they have to adjust to remarriage and possibly a new family constellation made up of other children and a host of new relatives they didn't bargain for.

Learn to know the child as an individual. Spend quality time with your stepchild without your husband. During those times, allow the child to direct the activity — even if it's just spending a couple of hours watching cartoons.

Don't try to replace the parent or try to buy love. If you buddy up too quickly, kids are likely to get suspicious. Besides, kids can smell a phony a mile away.

Earn respect by being respectful of differences. Don't make judgments or compare your stepchildren to other kids — especially your own! Recognize that much went into shaping the child's personality. The more open you can be, the better.

It is a common misconception that, following divorce, teenagers become more self-sufficient and independent. The real truth is that teens often times appear that way, and their parents see this as license to back off and give them too much space, freedom, and not enough supervision and family time. The real danger is that teens can and will deal with divorce in potentially much more self destructive ways than younger children.

Has your teen...

— isolated herself?

— stopped talking to you altogether?

— developed a "whatever" attitude?

— started skipping school and/or grades are plummeting?

— begun hiding evidence of doing drugs or alcohol?

Or...

— does he keep saying "Get the &%$# off my back, Mom?"

— has he pushed or hit someone in the house?

— is he showing signs of stress like: angry outbursts, talking back and swearing?

— is he so angry and so out of control that you are scared of him?

And do you sometimes wonder to yourself that he will turn into an ax murderer?

If this sounds like your son or daughter, you'll want to keep on reading...

What may look like independence on the outside (spending more time alone, needing you less, pushing you away or exhibiting assertive behavior) is often repressed anger waiting to explode. While being exhausted and depleted yourself during and after divorce it may be easier for you to buy into the "myth" that your teen is handling divorce okay and that this somehow will make him or her stronger person.

However, your teen is crying out for your help, supervision, and limits, and needs you now more than ever. If you aren't already, here are a few tips to prevent your teen from going down the path of self-destruction while getting closer as a family and maintaining a healthy positive connection: