First, as a newly separating mom, you have three concerns that must be balanced: (1) making things as easy as possible for the children, (2) establishing a collaborative post-marital relationship with your ex, and (3) protecting your parenting rights. A good rule of thumb is to not make any big decisions without consulting with your attorney. Make sure that you understand under what circumstances your temporary parenting arrangements during this transition time may become set in stone for the long-term. What you want to avoid is agreeing to an arrangement because your kids are begging you or your ex is pressuring you (imagine that your ex encouraged your children to ask you whether he could take them for a week to Disney World), only to find out later that you have created a precedent for a parenting arrangement that you do not believe is in the best interest of your children.

The second balancing act is between providing your children with consistency in their relationships and activities while being flexible enough to meet their changing needs as they adjust to the enormous upheaval in their lives. There will be times when it is more important that they go to that soccer game because they have a commitment to the team while other times it may be more important for an impromptu ice cream outing with Dad to reassure them that he still loves them and will be in their lives. You must trust that you know your kids and can tell one situation from the other. You need to let them know that this may be a difficult time for them and they may have more complicated feelings than usual but, at the same time, you expect them to fulfill their obligations and function to the best of their ability.

My parents divorced when I was three, so my memories of that period are fuzzy to say the least. I don't remember my mother telling me she was divorcing my father, nor the day he moved out. In fact, my two earliest memories are both dreams. In one, my mother died, and I cried as I watched her body ascend to Heaven (while Chicago's "If You Leave Me Now" played!). In the other, my father tried to leave me outside my preschool. He had the ability to fly; I did not. While my knowledge of Freudian dream analysis is admittedly limited, it's pretty obvious I had some abandonment issues going on.

But you're not reading this for Freudian analysis. You want to know if and how I survived my parents' divorce, and how to navigate "the grey zone" of child custody — the period between separation and an official divorce ruling.

First, the good news: I did survive divorce. And 33 years after the fact, I'm a remarkably well-adjusted guy (and modest to boot). In fact, most of my friends are also children of divorce, and they're a damn fine bunch of people, too. So breathe a deep sigh of relief — your children aren't doomed!

In my case, custody was never an issue. My mother wanted full custody; my father didn't. So there was no tug-of-war, no ugly battle in court. The arrangement was set from the day my father moved out: I lived with Mom, and had visits with Dad on weekends.

Let me start out by saying I personally think my childhood was perfect. I had two loving parents who showered me with attention and affection and I never wanted for anything. I was very well taken care of and given a strong religious background that I can only thank my parents for today.

What might surprise you (now hold onto your seat)... I'm also a child of divorce. I know...how scandalous! Well, at least it was back then when my parents got divorced.

My name is Antonio Martinez, I'm 35, and when my parents divorced I was 12. Did it have an impact on me? I can honestly say, "Not that much". I was lucky. My parents didn't allow it to have a damaging impact on me. I guess I have to back up a bit and tell you a little bit about my parents.

I was what you would call an "extremely planned baby". My parents were married for years before they had me and they read every book they could on raising a well-adjusted child. So it is no shocker that they did the same when they decided to divorce.

So you might be asking now, "So how did they tell you? What did they do?" Well, actually it came in the form of a question. My mother sat me down one day when I came home for a weekend from summer camp (I went to a summer camp that lasted all summer. I was at camp for 3 weeks, come home for a weekend, then went right back to camp for another 3 weeks), I remember mom asking me, "How would you feel if when you came back from camp your father wasn't here?"

She went on to tell me that they would stay together for me if that were what I wanted. I believe she was sincere in saying that and probably would have hung in there till I was 18 and off to college if that were my choice. I looked at my mother after her short but powerful speech and said, "If it means you and dad will be happier, get the divorce, because I know you aren't happy".

Divorce is very difficult on the entire family. There can be emotional and physical strains on all members of the family, especially the children. Since divorce can be so traumatic on children, many couples try to do anything they can to shield their children from this fate. When examining the aspects of whether a couple should or should not divorce, it is important to take into account various data points regarding each particular family.

There are many reasons that some couples decide to stay together. One may be that they are able to maintain normal family relations regardless of their martial state. In this instance, the parents might believe that since their issues are not harming their children, they will continue to maintain the family dynamic until they are no longer able to do so. These particular parents have made the decision to suppress their own needs until the children are older and out of the home so there will be less traumatic events for the children.

Monetary issues also play a role in whether couples stay together or not. If the couple deems that by separating they will be in great financial distress, they may wait until the time that both parents will be stable enough on their own. These couples know that if they had to separate, both the parents and children would suffer due to the monetary loss. For example, a mother who had originally stayed at home might have to return to work. In turn, younger children might be forced into a childcare situation which would be a big change for them. Other issues would affect the children if there were monetary strains from a divorce, from large changes such as a loss of their home to even small changes such as not being able to purchase extra items such as toys.

In my first article, I discussed the importance and inevitability of developing and living with a spending plan ( budget), savings plan, and debt management plan. Now that we agree we all must have one, let's discuss each one separately and then give you the tools to prepare one for yourself.

The Spending Plan

This is really actually quite easy because you have to start by listing all of your fixed monthly expenses. Take out a piece of paper now and do that. Include everything you can think of and then total that up. At this point, I have a catch-all for miscellaneous, and that is my average credit card monthly bill. I have to be careful here because many people I know who have a spending problem stop using their credit card, but I use mine for everything because I like to get the miles and I am disciplined enough to pay it off every month.

Accumulating miles on my credit card has been a great way for me to get free airline tickets over the last 10 years. Many of my clients are choosing the credit cards that give rebates and it is important to look at each. You must, however, be able to pay them off monthly and not incur any interest charges for them to make any sense at all. Personally, I have a strict "no credit card debt" policy so I am able to charge my sundry items and some bills to my credit and get the benefit of miles. Again, you can only take advantage of the miles or rebates if you have a strict discipline of paying your credit cards off monthly and on time.

Life challenges such as divorce have a way of dimming our spirit. We can go from feeling like a 100-watt bulb to a flickering 60-watt bulb. Worse yet, if adversity is not properly dealt with, we can eventually burn out and find ourselves feeling powerless. That little light that was your spirit just won't shine anymore.

So, what you ask, is the proper way to deal with and view adversity. How do we keep our spirit from growing dim and losing power during difficult times? We all go through adversity; the trick is how to get through adversity without adversity getting the best of us.

Thriving and growing through times of adversity depends on how you view adversity, the attitude you have toward it, and how willing you are to actively work through it. Over time, as I assessed what I have learned and how I have grown through the years, I have come up with a few survival strategies that I feel help me through hard times. They are:

1. Having a Proper Attitude:

I've said before that I don't believe what happens to us is important. It is how we respond to what happens to us that is key to spiritual and physical survival. If you are the type to make a mountain out of a molehill then you are going to have to deal with a mountain instead of a molehill. In other words, our problems are as big as we allow them to become.

Next time you are struggling with a problem, try to bring it and what it means for your life into proper perspective. It may seem huge and insurmountable to you, but is it really? Is it going to mean physical injury, are you going to be burned at the stake, or lose everything you have? When we are consumed with our own problems, we may believe they are the worst in the universe. The truth is, they are not. They may be of supreme importance to us, but if you look around, you can always find someone with worse problems that yours.

2. Develop Patience:

How well you and your children adjust to life post-divorce is not just a matter of your inner-strength. A lot depends upon your support network.

Unfortunately, social circles and family ties can suffer in the wake of a breakup. So who can you turn to?

Those you have grown accustomed to leaning on may not be there for you. Often, people side with one spouse over the other. Some friends may be uncomfortable socializing with a single-parent family. And if you are forced to move, no matter how near, the distance may make it tough to maintain previous relationships. A new neighborhood could mean living among strangers. And, perhaps, in the aftermath of your split you don't have the time or energy needed to form new bonds.  

Most of us are trained to be self-reliant. But seeking help from relatives, friends or professionals simply means that you can't expect to have all the answers. It is a positive step toward taking care of yourself and your children. Here are some ways you can build a support system, even when it feels as though you're all alone.

Get involved. Make a special effort to put yourself and your children in the middle social, recreational and educational activities. If people seem too busy to get to know you, don't give up. Soon you and child will find people who share your interests and who are interested in forging friendships.

Renew contact. Do you miss some of your old friends? They might be waiting for you to make the first move. If the divorce has left you feeling cut off emotionally from friends and relatives, make an extra effort to get in touch with them. Let them know that you want to maintain the relationships and are willing to forget any ill feelings or discomfort caused by your separation or divorce.