Taylor Raine's blog

Another week has gone by already. I realize that I spent most of last weekend cooped up in the house, rejuvenating my spirit. I had commitments, spent some time with my friends, at church and ran several errands. But the rest of the time, I dedicated to me. Yes — me! Can you believe it?

I rearranged furniture, placing items where I deemed fit, not based on anyone else's standard. Glancing through the house, I was satisfied with my work. Each room oozes a reflection of me and what I want in my life.

I did miss my children, but continued on my personal quest. It rained for much of the weekend. Rain can be so gloomy at times, but every time I looked out the window, I just kept thinking of the rainbow at the end of a storm or the fresh flower that blooms from the precious raindrops.

I realized over the weekend that there are so many things I need to start over. I never put myself first in my life or my marriage. I always put my ex's priorities in life above my own. I need to make amends with my priorities and allow them room to grow.  read more »

I paid some bills today. I have a balance of $24.99.

I've never been in such a tight spot financially in my life. I have not received any assistance financially so far through the divorce process, something that is being addressed quickly, as my boys will soon be the victims of my spouse's financial attack against me. I hate that they are so fragile in this process and placed in the middle — indirectly or not.

For two months, I've held the house stable, paying all of the bills, on my own — but obviously, the pennies are running low. The value of money is starting to lose its hold on me. I never was a very materialistic person, and always have been a penny pincher. But, when you have very few pennies to pinch, I guess that quest seems somewhat futile.

I'm adequately pursuing assistance from other means, food co-ops, subsidized health care — anything that will help me stay above the zero balance. I've had offers for financial assistance from my church, which is embarrassing on one hand, but on the other, I'm grateful that others know the financial repercussions of divorce and what I'm going through. I'm not on my own in my financial woes.  read more »

I've learned to live days in halves. It has made my life much more controllable. I can manage my feelings, well-being, and everything else life has to share in a little "bundle." Generally, I am the most productive in the morning, which I attribute to the rest I am able to get, and coffee.

I'm the type of person that doesn't generally sit around and do nothing, so when I get up, I'm an active participant in the day. No matter how I'm feeling, I'm prepared for the day — in quantities.

There is a certain feel-good-spirit that is easier to exude as you have dressed, done make-up, and prepared yourself for the day. Then again, as I prepare for bed, I pray and think back on the positives of the day. I try to go to bed thinking positively.

I still have a persistent influx of emotions: anger, sadness, bitterness, fear, yet they encompass who I am and what I'm experiencing, so I don't let them eat me away.

Divorce sucks, and I often feel horrible - just like many other women out there. If it's mid-day, and it's been a horrible day, I'll start anew, with the next half of my day — usually with chocolate or coffee. Yum!

The idea of splitting the day in half works for me. I don't keep track of every emotion, but I can usually look back on the day and have enough decent moments to comprise one half of a good day. To that I can sleep well!

Finding hope during divorce can be a deep internal struggle. There's a point where you look at your spouse, you love them dearly, care about their well-being, but in the end, you have to put your heart and gut before their needs.

This was a huge undertaking for me. This was really the first time in my marriage that I honestly put myself first. It's sad to say — to acknowledge — but it's the truth.

So many people choose to stay married for the sake of their children. I couldn't sacrifice myself anymore. I realized their well-being, as well as mine, was just far too important to continue to remain in an abusive relationship.

It seems simple enough, that I should have never allowed my needs, desires, and wants to be placed at the bottom of the list, but they sat there for years. I would look into the faces of my children and force fun into our lives. It was exhausting.

Unhappiness in my heart swelled, with no release. Tension rose for quite some time, before threats were made and I asked my husband to leave our home. After he did, I saw so much light and hope.

I knew that I was going to be okay, despite what divorce meant spiritually, emotionally, and financially. I truly saw hope swelling my way. We're going to be okay.

Every morning I wake up and promise myself that today is going to be a good day. I pray that I have the strength to walk with my head up high, and be the best mom to my boys.

The truth is, I'm exhausted, and I haven't had a "good" day in quite some time. But I trek on, for my boys and for me — and for the life that I want to live.

I've recently seen the documentary The Secret, a story inspired by great people who think positively. I've made a vision board — it's one of the examples in the story of how to see the life that you want in front of you on a daily basis. I admit, I'm not a visual person. I'm logical. I create for the sake of meeting a goal, not necessarily a "vision." I have to take baby steps to reach my goals, checking items off of the list as I go.

I have to admit — as much as my heart is pierced with sadness — as my day unfolds, I go back to my room where my day all started, I take pride in the baby steps that I made. Maybe the day wasn't the best, but I have my vision board sitting where I can see it, and am not going to let my divorce get in the way of the life I know can be mine.

What is it with ex’s trying to screw us over? Not paying child support, continuing to ridicule our integrity and ability to maintain our children’s welfare, and trying to rip us emotionally to shreds. Divorce is meant to sever these horrible bonds that people create. So, why do men get so much fun out of continuing them?

As you know, my ex filed divorce papers after I filed for a restraining order. Yet I continue to get malicious love notes that explain how “I have painted a web of lies,” that I’m still loved, and if only I would change back to the person I was 10 years ago, I would be lovable in his eyes.

This has been an issue for quite some time. People change, they adapt. No, I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago. Get over it, and grow up yourself. He told me to my face that he didn’t like the person I had become. So, leave. Go find someone “fresh.”

Bottom line: Leave me the hell alone! You wanted a divorce. You served divorce papers. Get the “show” over with, and let’s lead our separate lives.

Feelings overwhelm me at times. I wake up, see my children's faces, and feel so overjoyed with happiness.

I have an engaging breakfast with them, filled with lots of hugs and conversation. When I drop them off for school, I give each of my boys a huge hug and kiss. I think this hug and kiss gets me through the day.

When school first started, I found myself overwhelmed with my feelings of sadness and remorse. I was genuinely upset that they had to start attending school, rather than be in my care and schooling at home.

I realize how essential school is for them, and my need to bring home a paycheck is absolutely crucial to us all. My feelings aren't wrong, they adapt as life changes for me and for "us," or what's left of it anyway.

I've been surprised at how sadness creeps up on me. I'll be working contently at my desk, and the warmth of my hugs start to dissipate and I become saddened. I have pictures of my children at my desk, obviously.

I miss the activities we were involved in. I try to replicate as much as is possible for us, but timing doesn't always adequately evolve to our new demands.  read more »

My husband filed an emergency hearing for custody of my children.

When I received a call from my lawyer, I was shocked. I never thought I would be attacked so brutally via the legal system — it's happening, to me!

He claims that I am an unfit mother, abusing drugs and alcohol.

Obviously, I'm not — and never have. These allegations are far from the truth. When I share details of the situation with my friends, they are in constant shock of what claims are being presented against me.

It's honestly ridiculous. I was home schooling my boys, cared for all their needs, my home, my spouse — how can someone so "in the game" or on top of the demands of these jobs not be considered fit?

People would look at me and were proud of my accomplishments. To be honest, I was always proud of my accomplishments. I worked damned hard to provide these things for my family.

My husband was never in awe of me, but my friends were. They are a great support system. People that abuse drugs and alcohol do have real issues and in my opinion, are selfish individuals. I realize that taking drugs/alcohol to an extreme can become a medical issue — but in the initial stages, ingesting substances is still a choice made by an individual.  read more »

I just couldn't take the abuse any longer. I had been reading about verbal and emotional abuse, and I realized that the scars are often worse than physical bruises.

I knew that I had to get out of this horrible relationship and reclaim value that I knew I still had, deep down.

I still had some hope for my relationship at one point, but my husband kept calling me, crossing the only boundary I had asked for: some space and time alone. He showed me that he didn't care about my feelings or my boundaries. He was willing to cross them at all costs.

He hacked into my email and private accounts to read my correspondence with other people, showed up at appointments that I had scheduled, harassed me at work, and even came to the house uninvited, which was scary.

Luckily, he stayed in the car. On the phone I made it very clear that he needed to leave.

The following week, I filed for a restraining order, limiting contact and forcing distance of 500 feet. I realize that a piece of paper isn't going to dictate anyone's actions, but the repercussions of not abiding by it is a big fine and imprisonment. I think the terms are pretty stable, and there is a boundary that I am no longer in charge of setting.  read more »

There was a point in my marriage when I thought I could do anything to please my husband and life would run smoothly.

As time passed, I realized that he was never going to be happy, and that I had no control over him or his mood.

This led us to marriage counseling. As I mentioned before, making the move towards therapy was the worst thing we could have done together. In a domestic violence situation, the man has more ammunition to use against his wife at home, and becomes more and more angry.

There would be incidents during the week and I would be informed on the way to therapy appointments about what I could and could not bring up during sessions. I went into therapy 100%. I was there to make changes for the positive, and I was going to have my say in the sessions.

Unfortunately, I only got tormented even more for telling our counselor of events that occurred during the week. He would have outbursts of rage on the way home if I spoke my mind and heart. I would be demeaned in the car I shared with a person I loved and was trying to heal a relationship with. The outbursts were heart-wrenching.  read more »