Do Some Thinking Before Filing for Divorce

Posted to Resource Articles by Cathy Meyer on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 9:03am

Are you thinking about divorce? The decision to divorce is critical, with consequences that can last a lifetime. It is a step that should be thoroughly thought out before taken.

Below are questions you should ask yourself before making the decision to divorce.

Is there still an emotional connection?

Have your feelings for your husband faded or are you frustrated over marital problems that seem insurmountable? If there are still feelings of love, you should work on the marriage before deciding to divorce. Don't allow feelings of frustration to cause you to make a choice you will later regret. If there is love left, seeking to solve problems with a marriage counselor could put the brakes on a divorce you didn't want in the first place.

Is your desire to divorce based on an emotional reaction or true self-awareness?

A true desire for divorce means letting go of any emotional attachments you have to your husband, the good ones and the bad ones. Making the decision to divorce at a time when you are overwhelmed with emotions won't solve problems. It will generate more problems and compound hurtful feelings and frustrations.

Being able to view your husband as an individual who deserves your respect during the transition of divorce is imperative. If you can't do this, the divorce process will be riddled with anger and conflict. Divorce is not an opportunity to point fingers and blame. It is the opportunity to move on and rebuild your life. The more negative your emotions toward your husband, the harder the process of rebuilding will be.

Is it a divorce you want, or a change in marital dynamics?

Some view divorce as a last resort — the step they need to make to get their husband's attention. They think that if they threaten divorce or follow through with a divorce, their husband will come to his senses and realize what he has lost. Their husband will be magically transformed into the man of their dreams, the marriage can be put back together, and all will live happily ever after.

If you want a change in the dynamics between you and your husband, it isn't divorce you want. Something to think about; once you have divorced, your spouse is free to form emotional attachments to others. If that thought is uncomfortable, think twice before making a decision to divorce.

Can you handle the needs others may have as a result of a divorce?

Divorce can mean a loss of dreams and goals... for you, your husband, and your children. Even if you are positive it is a divorce you want, you need to have a support system in place to help you deal with the stress associated with divorce. You need to be able to face the pain your husband and children will feel and to help them cope.

Do you have what it takes to get through the divorce process?

If you do decide to divorce, you will need a plan, realistic expectations, the ability to be honest with yourself and others, courage, self esteem, and self-respect. Take a moral inventory and arm yourself before beginning the process.

Related Content:

Could Couples Therapy Really Save Us? An honest look at what can (and can't) improve because of marriage counseling

Tell-Tale Signs That It's Time to Divorce, by Cathy Meyer

5 Financial Actions to Take Before You Even Think About Divorce, by Financial Planner, Lili Vasileff

How Much Will Divorce Cost Me?

Click the following for more articles and resource videos on Getting A Divorce

Comments

What to do!

Submitted by Sea (not verified) on Wed, 01/30/2013 - 8:42am.

I have been married for 10 years we have 3 (9,7,2) kids togather and he has one from previous relationship she is an adult now we married when she was 12. I still love my husband but he lies He lies about everything paying bills, helping his daughter. I ask him does he want a divorce he says no but he just continues to lie and he does ignore me alot too. The past two days he barely has said 2 words to me. I feel like he wants our marriage to be over he just doesn't want to say it aloud. I have asked him to stop lying but he doesn't. I feel like for every lie I find out about there are still some I don't know. Must of the lies I find out about are about money.

What do I do

Submitted by Paul (not verified) on Tue, 01/15/2013 - 10:33pm.

Ok it's late & I'm on my phone, here's situation - I've know my wife ( married 3 yrs) since high school- we've dated off & on 14 yrs-over a week ago it finally came out- said she hasn't felt same about me for over a year. she's been acting different absolutely no attention ,affection nothing I've showered here with affection, ignored her been mean nothin works- ask if she wants a divorce but says no she can't afford it& we have 2 kids 7 & 2. She is very focused on how she looks lately working out every night takin a lot of diet pills , changing way does hair- dresses diff.(she is 31) always on Facebook won't do marriage counseling I've tried it all acts like the kids are just a nuisance , but she is or was a wonderful woman, her background is squeaky clean while mine on the other hand holds 1 felony & cpl misdemeanors but I've changed so much I want it to work so badly by she won't even talk to me about it. I know IDE b happier without her (at this moment anyway) but just though of not seeing my 2 Lil girls every night & morning has myomere scrambled. Please any advice would help me so much

Paul

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 01/26/2013 - 6:22pm.

You asked for advice...here it comes. Get yourself and your kids in Church. Commit your life to Christ. It is AMAZING what you can put up with when you focus on The Lord and your kids. You are a great dad"thought of not seeing my 2 Lil girls every morning and night". If she walks, let her go. You will have such a firm moral reputation, the kids will want to stay with you. On the other hand, your wife may totally fall in love with you all over. I wish someone had told me all of this many many years ago! At age 52, my life has never fully recovered from taking my kids and leaving my husband a long time ago. My prayers are with you.

Dont know what to do!!

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 01/09/2013 - 1:03pm.

If known my husband since I was 16yrs old, we been together for 12 years, we have two kids and for the past year we been fighting constastly to the point that I dont want this anymore, our problems are not infidelity (thank God) but i just feel that he does not do anything for me and or the kids, that i will miss, I dont know if Im just use to him or that's love. Our sexual life is also very bad, i dont like to have sex, im not sure if I have a problem or is just simply that I dont love him. Futhermore, I decided to have separate bank accounts and am at the point that I dont care what he does and I dont wanna know. Im not sure if Im at the point to divorce and leave this relationship or just keeping trying. Any advice will help! Thanks

ive never really grieved over

Submitted by Love blind., (not verified) on Sun, 12/09/2012 - 2:28pm.

ive never really grieved over my divorce so heres my stoy.., i had gotten out of a 3 1/2 year relationship, went on a six month trip., came back went to a dance the next day met my sisters boyfriends cousin, didnt like him but still i just danced. The next day i recieve a text, it was him, i was surprised but not interested. After a wek he came, made me his girlfriend i thought id give it a try. We had a somewhat rocky relationship but he grew in me i loved him. He would come see me 2 hours away almost every week, id miss him when hed leave. After 8 months we got married he was 22 i was 19 i thought everything qould be perfect , i would have my little family and make it work. I wasnt the best at maintaing a super spotless house but a meal was on the table everytime he got home from work. We were all laughs untill the konth of may i said a bad comment (that he was irresponsible because he fmwasnt going to take me to my kothers hometown 2.5 hrs away for n mh appointment) my mistake that kept us from talking for about a week i ried to but he would push me away. Then on may 18 2012 we were in bed, he gets wa call got up left and came back after a second, i thought it was awfully wierd. I tried talking to him aking who it was he said NO ONE. Long story short it was a girl hednknown two years. I went back home becausenhe told me nothing would work between us any more. Ive been here since may 19th and since todays date he only came twice i iled for divore and its going through i tried serving him and he ignored me saying his car was down all type of exuses. So now i hear he has a gf thats older an him and has a seven yr old hmm and now he drinks conszantly when before he never did. And he does little things that e me wonder, he told her to dye her hair blone...he met me with blonde hair, he told her he was craving flan so she made him and he never said it wwas good or thank you when he would compliment me endeslly haah and he says a word I got stuck to him haah we never officially ended it was more of a distant ending . Im stillnhurting but i have faith God has someone oot there for me.

is it time to go?

Submitted by katie (not verified) on Tue, 12/04/2012 - 4:20pm.

my husband and I have only been married since August but have been together for 2 years and have a 1 and half year old son. we fight constantly and recently its getting physical. my arms fractured. he tells me he never wanted to marry he wasn't ready and I pushed him into it. he also says he can't and won't change he's bi polar and we have no insurance for meds or anything. he makes more than me so he knows I can't live on my own and afford anything beings im LuckY to make 400 a month sometimes. I can't live at my parents because there's no room for us and I don't know how living in shelter will be. I am 19 and he's 23 so im very young. ive tried everything I can think of its like its not good enough. I have cleaned had supper done and wash done and its not enough. I try to be a good mom and wife but I feel.im.not living up to what he expects. he told me last night that when I work second and third which ive been doing a lot we get along better so we are better off not seeing each other too much. is that right? should I leave should we work it out I really am at the point where I don't know anymore. I do love him and know he loves me in some weird way and we both have never ever cheated over the 2 1/2 years. so I just really need some advice or insight cause im so lost right now. how can you love someone but not able to live with them? please help me.

Dear Desperate friends

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 12/03/2012 - 5:57am.

I'm typing on my phone at 4 in the morning so o apologize if there are errors. I heard something great recently. WE ACCEPT THE LOVE WE FEEL WE DESERVE. I was married the first time at the age of 19 to a guy I was with since I was 15. Had a daughter an separated at 24 because I not only felt rejected but that o missed out on my youth. My only regret was that my daughter suffered but o suppose they all do. I met a man soon afyer and thought o was truly on love he was everything I thought I ever wanted, handsome, suave, great dancer, and best singing voice o ever heard. Anyway, I looked past everything else (drugs, lack of intimacy, verbal abuse) because I thought if I loved him enough he'd change. I even saved his ass from being deported. He thanked me by leaving me for the lawyer I hired to get him home. Lol did I mention she was pregnant by another man lol. Wow so anyway I moved back born to Texas and finalized my marriage. A year later I ran into a man o worked with before o was ever married. We fell in love...and 2 years later we were married. O finally thought o got it right. Don't get me wtong he's a great guy except that tonight o snooped in his phone and found pictures in his saved email of another girl and him her on his lap taken 1 month afterh we had started dating. Now why would is A. Do that and B. Save it?? Do o confront him? I shouldn't have been in his phone but at the same time I feel like I don't know him anymore. Do i run?? The men I thought o knew before turned out not to be who I thought could o have messed up again? Help

I am Done

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 11:01pm.

My husband lost his job 6 years ago and got another one but in another state. We have three children and two have autism. He has not lived at home in six years. He comes home every 4-5 weeks for a weekend, he doesn't call. Everyone said he was doing what he needed to for his family.. but this is what his dad did also. The same thing and his mother stayed married to him because of religion. I am done. I have a good job and my kids are doing well, they are so mad at their dad for not being here. I am so alone and need to start my life over.. or am I being selfish????

I am done

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 12/12/2012 - 10:25am.

Have you thought about moving to where he found the job?

Of course you are not being

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 12/04/2012 - 11:08am.

Of course you are not being selfish. If you have spoken to him about thiS andhe has not taken the steps to make a change then you have to do what you have to do. You don't know, shit, he could have another family for all you know. How can you stay in a relationship and keep it good when you don't even know each other or your daily routines. He can't just be a visiting parent. You're married and he helped make those kids and now you're pretty much a angle parent. I know we say thRough tHck and thin, sickness and health and crap but goddamn. It takes two to make children. Don't hold out on him realizing his mistake yada yada. You need to make a better life for you and your kids. Make a move.

bipolar M on disability retirement. 21 yr marriage near the end.

Submitted by bipolar husband with big question. (not verified) on Wed, 11/28/2012 - 5:05am.

I'm unable to listen and communicate effectively with my wife. It comes down to my illness (frequent mood shifts) as well as anger issues surrounding this problem. She and I are no longer emotionally compatible both in and out of bed. We have a daughter with anxiety and depression issues who is applying for college now, a hs senior who no doubt picks up on the palpable angst between mom and dad. Its early DEC 2012 and shes applying for college for the fall of 2013. It's obvious to me that I'm not easy on the family, what with my shifts in mood and behavior. But is it better to go through with a separation sooner as opposed to later? I don't know whether to hang in there until my daughter is used to college, or would now be the time to perhaps pave the way for a healthier life for all of us. Note, we have been helped by our families when needed, but live somewhat modestly on money I get through SSDI and my government retirement. She has not worked since 1994. I could go into lots of detail but here's the story. I go to a psychiatrist and therapist to try to maintain my health.....our daughter does the same. Wife is a compulsive hoarder and control freak who refuses to go for any "help" herself. I'm experiencing more mania/depression swings, and my daughter is on tenuous emotional ground. IS THERE EVER A TIME TO MAKE THIS MOVE TO SEPARATE? Would it be best to do it NOW before daughter approaches her college years, or hang on ? I'm 49 years old, wife is 50....probs everywhere....money, anger, passive-aggressive behavior on both sides, little spontaneous marital intimacy (no intercourse per se' for over 1 1/2 years with no prospects of it ever returning). Call me stupid, but I think that the sooner, the better to end this. Please give me your opinion.

she cheated

Submitted by william (not verified) on Tue, 11/27/2012 - 3:18am.

she cheated on me ..... been married 11 years........ then she told me our marriage was over... im disabled on diaylsis... shes a nurse .... i recently found out she forged my signature about two months ago on a pension plan that waives all my rights to anything... i have all the documents of the forged signature and she also had this document notarized..... i just dont know what to do.....i get $700.00 a month.... she makes $5000.00 a month..... can i get spousal support, part of her pension.....i live in pennsylvania... what are my rights.....

What are my rights?

Submitted by Guests (not verified) on Tue, 01/08/2013 - 2:18pm.

Google your state laws, get a lawyer an get her ass fast for forgery!! An yes I'm a woman! She is SELFISH, an GREEDY!!! An there are free legal services to help you out if your on a fixed income. Get on your cell, computer or whatever, google the laws in your state, an google your question an get legal advice an take her to court! ( P.S, depending on laws there, you can have her pay the court fees from taking her to court!) I'm sure forgery is Illegal, wifee or not!!!!!

Second chance

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 11/24/2012 - 9:23am.

I have been married for 13 years, my wife had an affair 5 years and and left me and our two boys, she lived with this guy for 5 years and I entered into a relationship with another woman who has been living with me for 4 years. I filed for divorce and she did not sign them. she lives hours away so we never got together to finalize the divorce, around July of 2012 we finally got together and went down to file for divorce together, she cried and said that this is wrong that we should not get divorced. I still went through with it and had it filed. We had 90 days to change our minds which would of been Oct 5, 2012. She would call me over the summer and remind me that I only have so many days left to change my mind. She reminded me frequently. I thought about it for a while and decided to give it a second shot, my girlfriend and I was on the verge of ending it so the timing was I guess right. Well I called my wife and said I would give it a try as long as this other guy was completely out of the picuture, she agreed and moved back in on Oct 20, 2012. My kids were happy and things were going great, I forgave her for what she done to me and was trying to move forward. I find out by checking her email that this other guy is emailing her telling her he misses her ect, She doesn't tell me this and when I confront her she tells me it was nothing and she didn't repond back. I let it go and then a few days later another one comes in and again no notification, she tells me she figured I saw it since I have access to her acccount. At this point Im upset, and ask her to call him from my phone tell him to stop emailing her. She refused to do this and says i have nothing to worry about, I asked her if she told him and she said I just left. Well, now Im getting alittle angry because she did not tell him she was leaving to come back to her family. She tells me that she deleted the account and that he will not try to contact her since she got no email address and a new phone number. I feel this is not good enought, I gave her the choice to either call him and tell him or she needs to leave. It seems like she is still attached to him and want to see if this is going to work or not, and if it doesn't she has him to fall back on. I am not living like that. So I tell her make a choice and she says no, because then I will find another reason to bring up the past. I tell her that this is what I need to get past the affailr, I need to know that you told him that you are coming back to your family. Again she says to let it go because she is here with us. So she leaves to go to see her mom with our kids and I tell her to not come back and that I will meet her halfway to get my kids, my kids have lived with me the whole time. But she cries and says she doesnt' want to leave, doesn't want to divorce, but won't make a simple call. Thats odd to me because if thats what she needed to get past all this if I was the cheating spouse I would do it in a heartbeat. Now I haven't heard from her for two days, do I get the divorce finalized? I am just not going to do this a second time with her and this other guy. What do you think?

i got a divorce and now reget

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 11/18/2012 - 4:11pm.

i got a divorce and now reget it. my ex husband and i were together snice 2007 we fot married feb 2010, divorced last month, we have been apart snice aug 5. We have 2 year old together, i have been trying my best to win him back, he came over for the weekend we talked and were one big happy family agian. than he decides to leave, i text him later on in day and he said that just wanted to be friends for now that he needed time to think. i dont know how to take all this is, i had a melt down when he told me this. i want to be with him and i thought he wanted to be with me. im just not sure what to do anymore how to get him back. how to be the happy family we were before the divorce. we didnt divorce because of abuse or cheating nothing like that, he is a vol fire fighter, and between him work and the fire dept, i never saw him. he sort of drove me away from him becuase he never wanted to spend time with me or his son. but at the moment i dont care if i barely see him i just know being with him made me the happiest person alive.

I dont know what to do or expect

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 11/12/2012 - 1:44am.

Ok so on Oct 2nd this year my wife was arrested for driving on a suspended licesnse and had a male co-worker with her. She was supposed to get dinner for our 3 kids but absolutely had to do it before 2 of them were off the bus for school. Well she thinks that the guy was not at fault and has no heart burn about it even though he was not wearing his seatbelt and yes I can understand her not driving would have prevented it. She worked all the time and was never home and I practically had raised our kids on my own. I was unemployed and could not work due to her schedule because she was an assistant mngr where she worked. I tried to maintain a job because I have a child outside the marraige that I pay support on and really did not like being home all the time while knowing back child support was stacking up. Then on the 6th of Oct she went out with her friends after work to get drunk at a baby shower. While she was gone I got really drunk and was mad that she went out and left me home like she always did and she was supposed to be off that day and went into work anyway. Well things went sour, we argued and she kicked me out. She called me the next day and said that she cared about me and loved me but she was mad at me. Then the day after that she called me to tell me that she did not want to be together and that she was through with me. I have not seen her since the 6th of october but she has told me that she wanted a divorce a week later from that day and that she had slept with someone else before telling me that and that her parents told her that if she got back together with me that she would not be welcomed by them and she emphasized on the fact that she is having soooo much fun without me around. She also said that she wanted to work out child support and that was that. Well as of late she has been very agressive and short on the phone with me and does not want me to see my kids. I am confused as to why this is happening and it has happened so fast. I am just wondering why she is being so agressive like I did something wrong to make her this way, I would understand if I had cheated or left her behind high and dry but that is not the case. She kicked me out left me and does not want me back but does not want to be civil about anything either. Just curious as to what I should take from her being so angry at me like I did something wrong. I am giving her everything that she wants and she still is angry for no real reason. Any advice on how to handle this would help me greatly.

let her know how miserable

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 11/22/2012 - 3:44am.

let her know how miserable you are without her. she is trying to see if you have any feelings for her. yeah, its messed up and she shouldn't act this way but that is what people do when they are hurting. don't give up on your marriage. get marriage counseling (for you not for her *wink wink*) tell her to tell the kids you said hi and you miss them. let her make the choice to let you see them and she will, if she has a shred of decency. ((hugs))

Divorce

Submitted by Lisa (not verified) on Sun, 11/11/2012 - 9:26am.

My husband has filed for divorce. I was married for five years. It started out wrong. My husband asked to marry me after 3 months of dating. I told him we would have to wait for a year. He agreed. After 2 months of asking I told him I thought we should wait due to him freshly being out of another relationship which made me feel like I was a rebound. He assured me it wasn't and I was love at first sight. I believed him because we connected on every aspect. I have anxiety and he understood everything and was supportive. Well he did not want to wait. He wanted to get married as planned. He waited two weeks before the wedding and decided he did not want to make that commitment. I cried and he told me he wasn't sure. He did not know if he was still in love with his kids mom. Red flag. Well, I asked him what were we going to do about all the money I had spent and the others. He had no answer. Out of shame I asked him to let's get married and get it annulled. We read on it. Well after that I told him no we did not have to. I told him we could call it off. Well he came to me two days before wedding to tell me he wanted to continue with marriage. I told him we did not have to because I wanted him to be sure. He stated we are doing this. I felt so strange but he assured me he wanted too. Now we are in the process of getting divorced because first, a month after marriage he left and went back to ex because she put him on child support. He stayed for a total of 4 months and ended up at his mothers house. He stayed there until he was driven off. You see, his mother was against me from the beginning because I was older. She did not attend the wedding. She hates me. His relationship with his mother soured even more after we were married. She never accepted me because she thought I tricked him into marriage and other reasons. They've always had a bad relationship. Well he came back to me after she put him out. I accepted him back because I loved him. Well, he has a home he was renting out. I helped him fix up the house and we moved in together. He stayed in this house with his ex for five years. I was not comfortable moving in but I wanted my marriage. It was hell after first year. Arguing all the time because he cheated and he did not care for my daughter. She never lived with us because she was in college. There ins a lot more to story but not enough room to tell. After all the cursings and bruises and five years I decided to leave. I don't know if he blamed me for the marriage. He cheated twice and I did not trust him any longer. I stop engaging in a lot with him because I could not trust him anymore. We stopped talking for a month and one Saturday I got up and left because he told me I needed to find me a place. He thought I never would move but I did. I slept in motels until I finally got apartment. He is so angry at me for leaving and leaving him with a 2000 note left to pay on loan we had fixed up house with. Well he told me not to pay on it that he would pay for everything. I tried to help but he would not allow me. He is so angry with me. Now I have divorce papers to get notarized. He says he has to go to court but if it's not contested why would he need to go to court. I'm just afraid he is trying to sue me. I don't have attorney and I have 7 days left to turn in paper work. Any help?

hurt...

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 11/08/2012 - 10:37am.

Last night while I was cutting the potatoes for dinner he cane into the kitchen and yelled " don't cut them that way!". I calmly put the knife down and walked out of the kitchen, as I was leaving he threw the potato against the door (he often breaks and throws things during even minute arguments even though I've asked him to stop). I went into out back room and he came in and started yelling at me again for the potato, I didn't respond to him and he slammed the door and called me a fucking bitch. Knowing that I was using the computer he unplugged the internet. Knowing that his behavior wwould persist I left that room and went to the bedroom where I turned on the tv. During that time he started texting me. He called me names and degraded me about having a 3.0 grade point average and criticized me about not making any money. He also made degrading comments about my dead father. He then unplugged our cable cord to that television. He said thing that I will never forgive him for. He is slowly becoming more violent and losing what little respect he ever had for me. He told me to get out several times knowing thAt I have no place to go. I'm feeling less able to trust him and feel more isolated than ever. He didn't apologize I still love him but don't know how I can get though this.

Dear Hurt, I have been going

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 01/28/2013 - 5:32pm.

Dear Hurt, I have been going thru this for 22 years. The last 3 years have been the worst. I have finally had enought and am leaving him. I am fortunate enough that I have family and friends that can help. He has isolated me from my friends. Wants me to come home directly after work. I work 2 jobs while he is newly unemployed and he wants me to clean the house, cook dinner (when I do cook he is never home to eat it so why make it when nobody eats it) and do the laundry. My house isn't spick and span clean but it's presentably. I have finally learned that you can't make someone respect you, once they loose respect for you it is forever gone. He was a great husband until 3 yrs ago, now I am called a fucking cunt, slut, whore, you name it I am called it. I have never cheated on this man! I had worked 6 days straight and on Sunday (my day off) he wanted me to dissasseble a piece of furniture, I put the item in one of our sheds and left it. Well you would have thought I did something terrible by the way he was talking to me, then ended it with I am worthless and pack my shit and get the f*&^ out. It is hard and heartbreaking but I have to leave for my sanity. My kids are grown and in college so I don't have to worry about custody. He kicked me out of my home and was "kind" enough to let me take my clothes and bathroom supples. I know you have friends or family that are divorced, lean on them and talk to them, they will help. Oh and my husband never appologized for calling me those names and I kept forgiving him. I asked myselft do I want to live like this another 20 years? Hell no!

hurt...

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 12/12/2012 - 2:48pm.

dear hurt, you don't deserve to be treated this way. I know this kind of man. he is very insecure, so he has to put you down to make him feel good about himself. you say you are going to school. stay in school and don't quit. also the last thing you need is a baby in your life. he may try to get you pregnant so he can keep you trapped. do not fall for this. the best thing for you is to get some help. talk to someone maybe your mom. if you do leave him I suggest also getting a restraining order on him as well. he sound like the type that he may try to come after you. always be aware of your surrounding. good luck.

I think in your situation

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 11/10/2012 - 6:47pm.

I think in your situation that must be horrible. I also make 0 money, I have 2 kids and im 22.... I am having issues by being bullied/ sarcastic comments by my husband. also he has no sex drive towards me. and im young beautiful and i feel like its me? am i ugly? does he not love me.. this is driving me to want to leave also. but its hard with no job and 2 kids. he pays all the bills. he threatens to not pay cable and stuff I am getting sooo sick of this. but i read a thing about if i should get divorced. they ask do u still have feelings for this person? do you love them? are you emotionally hurt? if so then do not divorce because it can bring more hardship when you realize its over and your mind is clear. I am just worried one day ill be 40 years old lying in my bed going on 3 months without sex in a loveless marriage when its to late. I was also common law married which is worse because i had no idea i was marrying my baby dad till 5 month after the fact. no ring. no honeymoon... I wanted to elope but knowlingly.. I dont wanna be the type of person who only makes love 1 a month and I find him jacking off or with another woman.. I know 4 a fact he is not cheating on me now... but with this direction its a huge possibility.. this sucks.. so just think about the reasons of divorce and since u do love him u should just do counseling.... Even when I use my viberator I still dont get sexually fullfilled it kinda makes me even more angry that at 22 I have to do this... he has never even made me orgasm before I guess I need sex to show me he loves me not for the pleasure reason... sad sad life of mine :( maybe u will feel better hearing someones story worse than yours.. or who knows maybe were in similar situations...

Dear Hurt

Submitted by Lori (not verified) on Sat, 11/10/2012 - 1:05pm.

I may not be the best person to reply because I don't have any advice. I posted on here this morning because I am in a similar situation as far as emotions go. My husband while he is a good man gets angry and has been known to rip headphones from my ears, follows me into rooms while yelling, blocks doorways so I can't leave without brushing past so he can accuse me of getting physical etc. I know I've been with him too long but I can't seem to leave sometimes because I love him, sometimes because I have nowhere to go. I just want you to know there are others out here that can understand the twisted emotions & hardships. We all probably know we have stayed too long but leaving is easier said than done. Be strong, keep yourself safe. You are deserving of love, happiness and joy. Lets make a pact to find that for ourselves. With or without him.

Young and dumb..

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 11/05/2012 - 12:11pm.

I got married in March, earlier this year. I am ALREADY considering divorce as a last ditch effort to have my life and freedom back. My husband and I met quite young, he was 14, I was 16. (We are now 20 & 22) We have always been on and off, but still had quite a connection. He would get so hurt we weren't together that he would 'look for love in all the wrong places', such as sleeping with numerous other women. I did not react that way, instead I tried to find myself and what I was really looking for and something seemed to always bring us back together. My husband decided to be a Marine and we didn't live together for an entire year. When he came home for a short break, we got married. We felt so close, even with the distance. He made promises to me that made me feel like our life together would be so...easy! I thought it couldn't get any better. We have 2 small girls together..he left for boot a week after our second daughter was born. He was gone until she was almost 1, then he got stationed, and I followed behind shortly after. We have been living together (and had also lived together before this) since August...I can not seem to figure out why all other things in his life take front seat to us. He never takes care of our daughters, leaves them alone when he is supposed to be watching them while I simply shower, I am the cleaner, the laundry do-er, the caregiver for our children, granted..I get to stay home with them daily. I am extremely thankful. My mother didn't have that luxury with us. I always let him know I think he's doing great with his job and everything else..but, I can't help but ask and try to discuss why he doesn't take care of the girls, why he's always just gaming, gets huffy puffy when I ask if I can get myself or our daughters some things, leaving his mess everywhere for me to clean up, why he can't seem to wake himself up in the morning..so I have to get up (after having been up all night with our 1 year old who can't seem to get this sleep thing down) and make sure he's getting up for work, or he will be late and get reprimanded. I know it sounds like I'm making myself the victim here, but I'm not sure how else to explain this situation to someone else without using myself and our daughters as the examples here. I love my husband..but we aren't intimate anymore. We hardly hug or kiss. I am just...not into it. He gets so upset when I say I don't want to have sex. But he seems to pick the worst time. He assumes I can just leave the room where our daughters are playing to hook up with him and then just take care of them later. I feel so lost, here. I want to see it from his point of view..but it's hard when I see how he treats our daughters. He's always yelling NO, this! And NO, that! I can't stand it. He doesn't act with understanding or love and trust. He just gets mad and immediately disciplines. We currently only have one vehicle and I wanted to get a job on his off-time to help out and be able to purchase myself and our daughters a few odds and ends around the house..he got so upset. He was stomping around and said that was dumb that I'd want to work. He said, "Ha! Well, you better have your own money for gas and a way there! You can't take the car!" I just..stared at him. How could you talk to me like I'm cheating or committing a crime..? I was simply trying to get out of the house for a bit, as I currently NEVER leave. The girls and I are stuck here without a vehicle, daily. I felt betrayed. Why would you talk to your spouse like that? How could you make them feel so worthless with just a few words? I wanted to scream! But, instead I apologized and said I didn't realize he felt so strongly about me not working. I keep hoping he will change..that something I say will spark a fire in him and make him realize what he's got. What he could lose. And what he's failing to spend every waking moment fighting for. I think I have typed enough for someone to write a short story, but I am just looking for some advice here. I am at such a loss. I have no car. No job. No family. (Never did, anyway.) Just a mom and a brother. People look at me like I'm in the wrong...but no one could understand my situation unless they were in it. Maybe someone similar to me will realize they aren't alone.

hi young n dumb

Submitted by Guest madismum (not verified) on Wed, 11/07/2012 - 9:02am.

Hi I'm sorry you are hurting so much.its very hard for you.but I am wondering if your husband feels like you don't have the time for him like you once had? Remember you had a young to get used to your baby n then he came...he can't start off where you left off.me n my husband have a wee girl n I know that even if we love her w all our hearts our lives have changed since her birth.she keeps is very busy,she doesn't sleep well @ night ect.whaat would happen if you made a lovely dinner 4 you nyour husband....candles wine his fav food ect.took your girls to a sitter n focused on eachother?sex,talking ect.U don't wanna lose your marriage.your girls need a daddy.please!!they need family!I care a lot!!!!!

I love my husband but something is bothering me

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 10/31/2012 - 4:23pm.

I got married last year April 2011. I am from different country which is in africa, my parents lives in London. Since i moved to USA with my husband, i understand i miss my parents as i don't have any family here for me. Just my husband's family. I tried to be nice to them, they are too but not that close which i thought it would be. My husband is 33 years old My husband has a good job and his boss loves his personality. I am proud of him. I love my mother in law so much, and tries my best to be nice to her all the time. As i told you, my mother is not here in united states, she is a nurse and lives in london UK. So I miss her sometimes and when i miss her, i sometimes go visit my mother in law or text her or call her. My mother in law hates cuddling as she is herself a divorce person which i understand completely. She lives alone in her house. I know i am grown up, i am 25 years old. I want a baby from my husband but we can't have it right now till he is ready. I was a nanny, i stopped and i am searching for a new job, because I can't always ask my husband money to buy me stuff it makes me feel i am a bad person to ask for money. When i had a job, I always give my half of my paycheck money to him so he can pay bills. I felt relax about it. I left the nanny job because the nanny mom don't need me anymore. Whenever i go to walmart or any stores, I want to buy something to eat like donuts etc.. one day i asked my husband he said no as he thinks it's too expensive. Whenever i go with him sometimes I would like to buy some chips then i always get a NO answer. and now I don't ask him anymore to buy me stuff at the groceries stores. I can't ask him to buy me 1 dollar burger. so obviously it's a waste of time to tell him that. But i still love him of course. The thing which annoys me, it's my life in usa and his life in usa. He acts different with me like a parent not like a husband or friend. He talks like a big daddy who has lots lots of experience. I want love which he gives me yes but not really much. Before we were married, he used to give me lots of love and also i am very young and i need sex too, but he says he is always tired which depressed me too. I keep my calm but I want to continue my marriage life. What i need to do?? I feel like am abandoned and feel lonely.

What should I do?

Submitted by CWill (not verified) on Sat, 10/20/2012 - 9:26am.

Me & my wife have been married 5years but recently (a week before are anniversary) we discussed getting a divorce. As we talked I was over whelmmed with emotions I worked hard for a long time to suppress. I don't want to divorce my wife because of these feelings, I love her. We have had a rocky relationship & are both to blame. She recently reiceved her 9months clean key tag & has a whole new mind set perhapongr need for independence. In light of this I feel has "out grown me" I'm not a drug user so it is was to come to terms with this. Now she says she's not ready sign divorce but we have lost all intimacy, we only take care of the kids, she's started locking her phone, & has become reluctant to say where she's going or doing as well as staying out later & later. I guess the obvious is right in my face but why does she not want a divorce?

Your help

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 10/27/2012 - 7:22pm.

She obviously still loves you or she would be willing to sign the divorce papers. As far as leaving a lot and locking her phone, it might just be she feels she needs time to her self. Space as you would call it. She seems like she has more "growing up" to do. Or she possibly has a secret she's too scared to talk about cause it could hurt you. Try talking to her and helping her open up to you. Try to get her to compromise with you and sit her down and really open up about your feelings and have her really explain what's going on in her head. If she doesn't want to or feels it's stupid she might just be cheating or feels like she needs more excitement in her life. Also about the not wanting to sign the divorce papers.....could she be getting any benefits out of being married to you? If so that might be why.

What to do

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 10/17/2012 - 12:03pm.

I' ll try to kept it short. Been married just over 2 years together 9. We have always had a rocky relationship. THis time last year I was thinking about a divorce but stayed. However my same feelings are coming up again but stronger. She is due with our child anytime now I am am close to ending it. I was hoping that having a child would make our relationsip better. We have not talked in days. The fights are not hormonal issues. They are in someway shape or form the same issues. I am to the point that I'll deal with child support and miss seeing my child to get out of it, as much as it would hurt me. She has control issues. Everything has to be done her way, if not she gets angry, even if there was no issues. Things have to be done when she wants it done becuase it "bothers" her. She has constantly put down my parents (because her parents have spent more money on the child then mine). It has gotten to the point I don't like to talk about them to her at all, and I am even staring to feel uncomfortable around them, as well as my other family. She makes no effort to talk with my family, and at few events I go to I have to stay by her side. She constantly accuses me of cheating on her which I have not done or gave any suspesion to make her think that way. She has told me that other men find her attractive, almost insinuating after he loses the baby weight she will, She has cheated on a previous bf. I feel that whatever I do is never enough. Also I am always put in a lose lose situation, what ever option I choose "A" or "B" I get yelled at. She has abandonment issue I believe, she would never leave her dads side, now I need to be next to her all the time, she does not like it even if I play a game on the computer. If I play she gets mad. She also brings up things in the past I have done, however if I do the same it doesn't count and I fight dirty. I am starting to think she has some type of mental issues. I am to the point where I think it would be best or the child that we are not together. ALSO I do not think consouleing will work she is a therapist (social worker master degree) so she knows how to talk to a therapist. Along with how they work. Does any one have any adivse? Also I know I am not perfect in this relationship, but she is not the same person 4 years ago.

If you really want to save your marriage, you can

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 11/02/2012 - 5:33pm.

Hey buddy. I'm 31/m and kinda relate with your situation or so i feel. However i've also managed to overcome it and living a happy and fun life with my wife. There were other issues going on in my case but this was one which i could co relate to all the others... You know how i did it ? Change the way you think about her and stop making yourself the victim. I like my space so don't get me wrong as that is one thing i can never give up.. However i also needed to realize that marriage is not suppose to be easy.. and like my man ET said.. If you want to succeed as hard as you want to breathe, then my friend you will be successful and that applies to any life situation. If you have made up your mind that you don't want to be in marriage then you don't need to read any further as whatever i say will not convince you so might as well save some time. But if you really want to give it a shot and ready to take a dive and some challenge then I'll tell you this.. There is no way you won't fall in love with your life and wife all over again. Aite.. I don't know how i stumbled on this page today and how your post caught my eye but it's all what god wants and neither i'm a preacher so i'm not preaching but just mentioning my belief in him/her. So the best way or only way to save your marriage is " You need to see the love behind whatever your wife does and sometimes when you can't find any..then give her the benefit of doubt instead of giving it to someone else. I had my trust issues and felt like my wife was trying to control me but it was me who was looking at her that way where as all she is asking for is more attention from me and sense of protection from any outsider be it your parents or relatives.. THink what you are doing different then 4 years ago which she might have noticed too. She could have some kinda depression which again is upto a doctor to figure out..but you can play your part and be ready to say sorry as that won't make you a smaller person.. True love is hard to find and when you find it, you will be a fool to let it go coz of fights which you will laugh at if you can manage to get past this barrier and stick through it for ever.. You might be thinking who is this guy and why does he care but I just happened to be here by chance so i thought i'll put my 2 cents and if it helps you..I'll get your blessings and if it doesn't help..maybe it was never meant to be. Peace, Sam

Wanr to save my marriage

Submitted by Ruby (not verified) on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 4:07pm.

I love ur post I wish my husband would think like that I'm shattered because I love him so much but ever since his dad died a yr ago he pulls me farther and farther away he runs to his moms and friends I know I have some to blame I try really hard not to argue with him but everything turns into an argument and he has all this resent me and honestly I don't know what I've done for him to have so much anger towards me I've loved him and tried to be there for him. I moved out of my house cuz I was tired of him telling me he doesn't want to be withme or that he's miserable in the marriage every time he gets mad. I hope he comes back to me

Since you are the husband...

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 11/08/2012 - 1:16pm.

Maybe, you can help me look things from a different perspective. I got married in April, I have a son from a previous marriage. Honestly, I thought I would never get married again or have any more kids. My husband and I had many fights even before we got married but he always apologized and I forgave him because I truly do love him. It was extremely hard for me to balance my job, my kid, graduate school and my new married life. I still don't think that he understands that as he has never had any kids. Well, I found out that I'm pregnant and he is very happy because he always wanted kids. Our relationship got better after we moved to another state since he is in the military. But he still has those moments where he seems like he doesn't care and says ANYTHING to hurt me or make me feel worthless (at least that's how I feel). I don't get on rollercasters, I can't swim, I don't watch scary movies...just anything to say he can't have fun or do anything with me because I "suck." I have always been a strong woman and I have read plenty of articles on how to put up with the verbal abuse.... and we have talked and it seems to be getting better. However, I believe he was treated as a baby all of his life, he was used to his Mommy doing everything for him and he doesn't make his marriage his priority, his wife which is me... and his family which should be my son and I. He had promised me I would go to his promotion and be the one to change his rank. Now he says that he wants his Mom to do half of it, I told him if he really wanted her to do the whole thing, I won't do it and she can do it all. He got upset, and I walked out of the restaurant we were eating at. After that, he got in the car told me he's never taking my fucking ass anywhere and I can do whatever the f*** I want because he doesn't give a f** anymore! and that he was going away for the weekend to see his family!! I am exhausted.... I used to cry all the time (he used to say I was weak), anytime he talked to me like that, he has said worse things to me and I used to not stay quiet, but I promised myself that I needed to not be like him. Especially now, expecting a baby... and since we moved I dont' have a job. My family lives close but I have never been the type of person to tell my family of my fights and problems in my marriage. So I don't know how to deal with this anymore. When he talks down to me, insults me.... I just feel "stronger" in a way but I'm being pushed away... he has always threatened me with this divorce and I tell him he can do it if he wants to... I've been a single mother before, I can do it again. I just wish he could see everything I have done, sacrificed and given to him out of love, not out of expecting something else in return. Before we moved he moved to my house and I was the one paying all the bills for months until we got married and he started giving me money. He even accused me of just wanting money but how could I have when I had a full time job that paid really well. I left my house, my job and everything in that other state, I'm wondering if it was worth it now....

I know exactly what your

Submitted by Tiffany (not verified) on Sun, 10/28/2012 - 9:29am.

I know exactly what your saying. My husband was just like that! It is an emotional roller coaster and you can never do anything right! I found out that he was a narcissist. Narcissism is a personality disorder. In a way they are mentally ill and you can not help them. They use you to fill their super ego, which is their narcisist supply. Look into it, read books about it from a local library, and join a support group online. knowledge is power. Even if she ends up not being a narcissist atleast you can rule it out. But they are impossible to live with or have a close relationship with. I am a narcissist survivor with two children and let me tell you I have never been treated so bad in all my life. I left 5 months ago and have peace again.

I have treated my husband

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 10/19/2012 - 1:23am.

I have treated my husband that way for the last 6 months.. iv just started to notice it, so maby u should tell her directly how you feel, I wish my husband had.

From What to do

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 10/19/2012 - 9:01am.

We have had talks like this in the past. We both tell eachother what is bothering us and it seems like nothing ever changes. I will admit I am guilty of this also. We have both tried but it seems to go back the way it was.There are things I do not do that she asks. The things she complains about are things I have never been in our relationship. However to me here is the difference between us, and I know it maybe wrong to say, She has completly change into a different person. I have been pretty much the same person (have changed a little who does inthe course if 9 years) since we have dated. She is a complete germaphobe to where she is angry at people when they cough. She will not walk down a ile if someone sneezes because she is afraid. There are been times that her parents get sick of listening to the outrageous things she says. They even have told me "how can you put up with that". I have told her that this relationship would not work if she gets mad when I do something with the baby that she does it a different way. I have no problem being told if its unsafe or dangerous but not yelled at for doing something a different way.

Battling constantly

Submitted by HBWillis (not verified) on Fri, 10/12/2012 - 11:07am.

My husband and I have been living together for 7 years and married for 4 of those. We have two children, a six year old daughter and a four month old son. Since our son was born, we agreed that the best thing for our family was for me to not go back to work(I would only make $30 a week after paying for child care) and stay home with our children and homeschool our daughter. Here we are four months later and my husband refuses to find a better job to provide for his family. He works at walmart and that doesn't pay the bills. I don't want a new car, a million dollar mansion, or even a cell phone. I just want the bills paid and to not have to worry if we have enough money to take our kids on a day trip once or twice a year. Last night my cousin's husband said he could get my husband a great job with the state as a mechanic. My husband was a mechanic in the military, went to NTI, is ASE certified, and has worked in the TLE for three and half years now. He's a mechanic, that's what he does. Now that we need him to have a job with great benefits and pay, he refuses to get a job as a mechanic. He says he wants to go back to school again. He started college five years ago. He has his degree from NTI, an associates degree, and went to a university for two semesters. He says now he wants to be a mechanical engineer. He is out of VA pay now, so we can't afford to send him back to school and not work. When I bring up him getting a fulltime job, he throws it in my face that I am not working. That was our agreement four months ago. I do not have any skills to make a decent living. I feel like giving up and asking him to leave.

Considering divorce

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 10/11/2012 - 6:54pm.

I married my current husband five years ago. We have been together for eight years now. This is the second marriage for both of us, and we both now have adult children however my son lived with us until he went away to college. We enjoy each other and often take short getaways. We get along good but when we argue usually over something small and he blows things way out of proportion and we don't talk for weeks and he avoids being around. I hope I'm not being ignorant when this happens but I don't think he's cheating. The thing is just this past weekend after a wedding and drinking things became physical. We were both at fault, however, I believe there is NO reason a man should try to hurt his wife. What happened was done by him to me in front of several of his family members and his ex wife's family. I am so hurt that he did this to me and showed no respect for me to everyone, I am thinking about divorce. This is not only because I'm hurt but I'm a believer if he does it once he will do it again. This is why my first husband and I divorced he abused me physically, emotionally, and mentally. His kids and I are not close, things have always been his family and mine. I always told him I wasn't comfortable with that but he never showed any concern about this. I love him so much but I can't allow the person I love to hurt me this way. I hoped that my faith would help us and our marriage but I don't know if I can hold on because he crossed that line. I know I am a strong woman and I will be able to start again on my own. I know it will be very difficult with many many tears. Also, I know I/we cannot continue this way. We did have counseling a few years back...he continues to blame our problems on me and brings up every mistake ive made or argument we've had. It seems as if I have to beg for his attention .....after listening to myself, I don't know why I want to stay in this marriage. I guess because when we are good we are great but when bad it's really bad. I don't know what to do again because of him becoming physical in front of so many people disrespecting me....both bother me so much. Thank you for your input.

I'm broken, torn, and exhausted ....

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 10/08/2012 - 8:41am.

My husband and I have been together 10 years, married for 9 this month. Shortly after we first got together we were involved in an accident which left him deemed disabled. (Back problems) I have child from previous marriage which he adopted and he has 2 children from his previous marriage. His oldest has been self sufficient and always stayed close to the bio mom. His youngest has lived with us from ages 13 to 19 and then gone for a year then lived with us another year at age 21 because bio mom couldn't handle situations child was in. During all these 10 years I have worked and provided for all never complaining or second guessing what I needed to do in order for everyone to be taken care of. In the past 2 1/2 years we have had many "talks" about why I feel this marriage could be happier which always end with hubby talking about only himself and his childhood. He can't seem to live in the real world and think rationally. He is not good with finances, and that's putting it nicely. Hid kids have children of their own now and he keeps telling me how he wants nothing to do with any of them. However when the exwife calls and disrespectfully demands "put your husband on the phone " he talks so nice and is very 2 faced. He feels the need to not talk to me about the new grandchild and complications because they don't want me to know anything. I believe they know they are causing trouble ...on top of the troubles we have. He sleeps all day, takes NO responsibilities fir anything, doesn't help around the house until I fiat out tell him I have to have help (and that lasts for a day, two tops). I have asked to get help (counseling) which I was told if "forbidden " by him, ive begged him to be seen for depression and medical reasons which end with me getting yelled at and cussed. There's never any changes. 2 1/2 years of talking and I'm still the only one taking care of everything. Even if I try to make him help such as leave bills with money and all he has to do is pay them... it doesn't happen. I'm at my witts end. I feel like I have another lazy child to raise that isn't mine! He threatens to leave every now and then... and I never try to stop him! I cant keep doing this and he cant see that it's killing me slowly because change never comes. Ive talked to a lawyer and was told I cant make him leave, since both names are on the house and if I leave I still have to pay the house note. I feel so stuck. I don't know what to do from here. Any suggestions?

feeling like a mom instead of a wife

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 10/13/2012 - 11:30am.

i know how u feel. I have a two year old with my boyfriend and we have been together for 8 years. I work and he stays at home refusing to get a job. I cant pay all the bills myself and have a herniated disk that makes my very physical job painful. Sometimes when i get home i cant even walk and still I have to do everything, dishes laundry, dinner, taking care of the baby. while he sits and plays video games. He stays up all night playing them. I had a very special day planned for the family today, my daughters first trip to the pumpkin patch. and he stayed up all night and now wont get out of bed even though we all are waiting to go. I feel like he will never change, he is so selfish and doesnt care about anyone or anything. He wont help me out with anything either. he has also cheated on me twice. I just keep trying to hold us together thinking i owe it to mydaughter. BUt now I am thinking he is only going to end up hurting her like he does me everyday with his selfishness. He tells me to work more so he can stay home and I physically cannot do it. I need surgery. I too feel like I am his mother and he is an awful teenager who only cares about himseld. My opinion things are not going to change and we need to get the hell out to ever be happy!

Religiously different, so lost and confused

Submitted by Brittany (not verified) on Fri, 10/05/2012 - 7:14pm.

My husband and I are both devout Christians. But of different practices. I am LDS and have been my whole life, my husband non denominal Christian. We've been married for 2.5 years together for 5.5. Our story didn't start out full of joy and happiness. We knew we were attracted to each other, lived in seperatly cities. After dating for a month for a Long story short. I was raped got pregnant, wasn't sure if the baby was my husbands or my perpetrators, I honestly didn't want to know. Either way decided to keep the baby because I don't believe in abortion, and no matter what I was still this child's mother. After she was born all seemed to be right in the world. Until my husband showed me a paternity test that him and his mother had performed behind my back. I was devestated to find out that what we thought was OUR daughter, wasn't his. All I and wanted to do, was run. And I probably should've. A few days later he said that he would still stay and raise my child as his daughter. Over the next two years we argued more and more about religion, intimacy, and flat out affection. As I was packing my bags to leave, he made a confession. That he hadn't been 100% faithful since we started dating. Once again devestation. That's when I also told him about being raped. I never told him before because I was too ashamed. And I guess afraid to raise a child on my own. So from then on out we decided to start over and forget everything. Everything seemed fine for the next year or so, we got married, he adopted my daughter. And since our marriage everything is going downhill again. Neither of us are comfortable at each others church, we argue about it all the time. Affection has slowly dissapated to where its almost nonexistent. We are intimate maybe only once a week. I love my husband deeply, and he says he loves me too. But where is the affection? where's the love? am i being too petty? I feel empty inside, and have out everything I have into trying to work out this marriage. I am destrot, exhausted and feel like I should just call it quits. So I can be free in my religious beliefs and be able to start over, ready to let to of all the emotional baggage that came with this relationship. Is divorce where I should go? Or is there hope for us?

Help

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 09/30/2012 - 6:17pm.

Please anyone if you have any advice for me at all...I'll take it. But please if you can be kind I am about to come unglued completely. We have been married 6.5 years and together for 8. Looking back, we have fought since our wedding ended pretty much. It reached a situation of no return and we have been in marriage counseling since May of 2010 with the exception of when he quit coming to the appts. this spring. I continued off and on and now I am going regularly by myself. I feel I ahve done everything I can to save our marriage. We cannot have children but had planned to adopt. I feel we cannot add to this issue until we fix it and it remians fixed for some time first. he on the other hand reminds me I promised we'd be parents one day, but at the same time, my family warned him when he asked for my hand that I have disabling conditions and can only do so much in life as a result, including that I can't have kids. He didn't care. Then. Now I do not want the marriage anymore I really don't he is hateful, mean, miserable and thorws my limits in my face every moment of everyday. But I am stuck in finding the stength to get out. He makes more money and considers everything his. My whole family just doesn't care to be there for me and his is like his rock as a family should be. The counselor told me to find what makes me happy and stop worryng about him all the time. Put me first and stop mothering him. Then and only then can I find the strength to go. I have been doing that for a month and it was working. We work different shifts right now and see each other little during the week. He has so far refused a separation thus far too. Our counselor says that he put even more distance between us when he took a second shift position at work and I agree. And the Dr. also told me that separation after 2.5 years of marriage counseling is our last recourse because we are leading separate lives this way. Anyway we see each other Sundays when he is off-I work pretty much daily as a small busines owner- and for the last 5 weeks eerey Sunday comes down to knock down drag out argument about...nothing. Really nothing but it blows up and he cannot get ahold of his anger and he yells, screms horribel things at me, knocked me down turned some things at home upside down and then when this all happene today left went to stay at his parents while they are out of town. The thing is I texted him a couple times and called because I could not belive he would leave after sayign and doing this awful things ot me...and he texted me that HE needs time and he loves me. Now I have asked hin where he is and he won't tlel me. We always agreed whiel still married to tell the other where we are. He is staying there but said he was not (rigth now) there. Is he out cheating already WTH? He withdrew $500 from the bank thta i do know because I did business payments tonight and saw that he did. Now I know when we argued in the past he has gone around to bars, gets fairly drunk, while he talks by phone to his brothers and then oggles the female wait staff. I have had people tell me that and seen it myself. He flirts and thinks he is a gift to us women globally! Part of me wants to get off work shortly, drive to his parents and if he isn't there to drive to bars near their house (small town) and confrot him for making me hurt and leaving. I am really upset sitting here crying and upset and he doesn't even care to hve caused it.I am sad beaten down broken and angry! Wherein my sister is telling me don't contact him anymore, ignore him if he contacts me for the time being, and to do the same thing to be busy go out and not let him know where I am. Isn't that games? I don't play games. I work alot, care for our pets and family hme and just am an honest good person and wife. He knows I will be in the house like the counselor said he knows you are always there caring for everyone but yourself. UGH I know, I sound like a complete dumb*ss! I know but I have seen nothing but first hand loss, disability, and illness all of my life and nothing but divorce in my entire family and I wanted to make my marriage different: make it last. Is there anywhere to go from her then to start moving my plan to file along faster/ i dont' wnat to drag this out but despite him acting this way now after a few drinks at lunch I know he will be all nicey dicey and try to get me back but he won't apologie he will just repeat this all over again and again for years. I'm worried about myself and I need some guidance from people who have been where I am. Is there ever a right time to end it, ever enough money, ever enough strength within? Or do you wing it and figure things out later? Or do I still hang in there and keep trying and keep getting nowhere? Am I THAT unloveable for being me? Really. I am sorry to come off so down and out but I feel like no one else really understands. I know it won't be easy but surely it is peaceful eventually!

need advice heartbroken

Submitted by broken heart (not verified) on Wed, 09/26/2012 - 7:01pm.

I really need help my heart is broken. I've been marry for 20 years we have 3 kids. My husband left me for 3 months. At the time I didn't know he was with his ex girlfriend. She called me on Christmas I heard my husband voice saying how much I love you and I will always be with you don't ever leave me. After I heard a woman voice saying my husband name and what else my love. When I heard that I felt my heart sink and hurt. I started crying my daughter heard too. When he came back 2 days later I confronted him he denied it. Then we went ti get some food he ran into a friend and his friend asked what did you give your wife. He replied my love my heart and a lot of kisses. So the guy asked who was I and he replied my wife. I said no am not your wife you have me confused with person you spend Christmas with. So he left for 3 months I had no idea he was with his ex until we made up and she send me text messages with pictures of them together. I got mad at him and told him to pick her or me he said me. It was ok until a month of us reconciling she started calling him and texting him. He started coming home real late at night or sometimes not at all. I confronted him and he told me that I was crazy am not with her. I grabbed his cellphone one night and saw her number I deletedit. He found out and says I have no right going threw his cellphone. I replied of course I do am your wife. The only thing that hurts more is when my oldest son caught his father twice with he. I also caught him and she tried to run me over in her truck when he was with her. I keep telling him to stop playing games n give me the divorce. He still says I'm not with her she textes him and he runs n hides to text back. One time I made a Facebook and send messages to her husbands family n yes she's married. Her family let her know that I put that she's a home wrecker because she's dating a married man that has kids. Of course she denied it too until I put up pictures of them. Am sorry this is so long and boring but till this day it hurts to think about so am asking for help I really love my husband and I want my marriage to work out. I really need help am so sad and I cry every day plus I've lost a lot of weight and I can't seem to sleep at night.

wife dumped me again

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 09/22/2012 - 3:30am.

My wife is 35 im 42 she left me so many times I lost count and for very stupid reasons. She left me again this time files a divorce. We been together for 18 years and we have 16 year old daughter she got matching tattos with her on her 16 birthday she acts more like her friend then her mother im so upset, I new it was coming she has made me insecure and wonders why i am this way. I love her so much and would do anything that makes her happy includes even if it makes me unhappy. She changes with the weather we have not had sex in 2 years sleep in separate rooms treats me like a roomate takes all my money whats hers is hers whats mine is hers. I think she really means it this time I lost a lot of sleep over this and dont eat much its been a month in a half I got to get a laywer pease help me.

THANK YOU SO MUCH

Submitted by johnny (not verified) on Tue, 10/02/2012 - 11:37am.

Dear Dr Cross, I wanted to thank you (yet again) for bringing Eva back to me. We had known each other for what seemed a lifetime and dated on and off during that lifetime. A couple years ago some rich beau moved to town and swept her away from me. They got married after 2 months of dating and moved away, I had no idea where she was or how to get a hold of her! I requested that the split them up and reunite us love spell be cast for me. A week later, out of nowhere, Eva showed up on my doorstep. Said she had been miserable in her short marriage, the guy was great but not for her. I helped her file for divorce and we got married at a justice of the peace two days after her divorce was final. We have been happy every since. You have done more for me that I could possibly ever repay you [email protected]

So, I was reading what you

Submitted by andrea (not verified) on Tue, 10/02/2012 - 12:53am.

So, I was reading what you post and I just have to say about what you post is try therapy together, it worth a try believe me I just went though a messy divorce believe me if I could do it all over I would do it different

Love Hurts

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 10/01/2012 - 9:14pm.

You don't deserve to be treated that way and you should not give her any more opportunities to let you down again. She obviously does not care for your feelings and does not value and respect the marriage. Sometimes, you have to move on even if it hurts. At the end of the tunnel you will find the light and you need to believe that you deserve better. She is very selfish in every way and you don't really have a relationship at this point anyways. I am going through a similar situation and my husband left too. He is also very selfish and doesn’t not care about my feelings. I am not going to lie, it hurts to move on but you have to look back and evaluate if this person meets your needs of love, belonging, self-esteem etc. If this person is selfish and is getting her needs met somewhere else while you are left feeling unloved and unworthy then you have to ask yourself what is in it for you in this relationship.

I know how hard it is to move on

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 10/01/2012 - 8:37pm.

I am truly so sorry for what you are going through, I am all to aware of your feelings right now, i am in personally same position i wish i had advice for you but no one has been able to set me up with lawyer either (low on funds) so he's forcing us to live in same home with for children. im at wits end on how to find a solution.

divorce

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 09/13/2012 - 1:06pm.

I'm 22 I have a 6 month old baby girl. I've been married for 9 months Ans I already want a divorce. My husband doesn't respect me. He treats me like a maid, I'm just here to take care of the house and our daughter

I want to divorce him

Submitted by Victory (not verified) on Thu, 08/16/2012 - 7:49pm.

Filed for divorce 2009 then last minute I told my lawyer not to, and I gave my husband a chance. Now I'm certain I don't love him I am miserable with him and I need to have a piece of mind for once in years. Been married 14 yrs and two kids I don't have money bc Im still paying cc from last lawyer, mupy husband is a total " winner" and won't give me money Other than when I beg for it, he closed joint check acc and it's been 6 yrs since I don't have access to any marital money. The first round judge gave me primary custody and grant me the house while I was at shelter with kids when I first left. 2009 with them when he had me arrested for slapping him on the face when I cough him on Internet live web cam visiting with low lives... I loved this winner man for many years but now Im totally numbed I want out and I don't have money to leave the house with my kids, he asked me to leave and I won't w/o kids I wish he could go the jail for all the stuff he is said to me in front of our children and made them cry many many times. I make under a thousand a month and he makes 4 thousand a week I want to divorce him and he is been telling me he will divorce me when he is ready but I can't wait I feel suffocated and I've lost weight I have aged so much I'm 15 yrs younger then him and I thought that would never be a problem but came to find out 10 yrs later he is not into women anymore and when he is they gotta be lesbians and perform to him and for him. Which I'm not into never have never will. Please help me I live in Virginia I have no money to pay a lawyer bc my winner husband will have the audacity to fight me for kids when he really does not have anything to do with them.

Talk to a lawyer many lawyers

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 09/11/2012 - 9:59am.

Talk to a lawyer many lawyers have free consultations, also go to the courthouse or legal aid, to find out about your rights. In California when you've been married for as long as you have - he has to pay spousal support not to mention child support it's the law. You can also get a restraining order if you feel threatened, get information about your rights and resources available to you. And lastly this too shall pass imagine yourself at peace as often as you can, it helps. Take comfort in what's good in your life, your children, health, etc. Take care, Love :-)

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