Tell-Tale Signs That it's Time to Divorce

So I have been married to my husband for almost 14 years and from the beginning I knew I wasn't marrying him for the right reasons. The major issue back then was his depression and manic-depressive behaviors. He is very caring and a very good provider. We have never really "clicked". He has always had a drinking problem and major anxiety which I believe is why he drinks/smokes. He finally has gotten a handle on the drinking and is always trying to change certain behaviors I find troubling for me, not for himself. He is at his core not a happy person but really tries. We have two kids 7 and 11 and he is a great father and together we are good parents. We have no intimate relationship at all. I have a hard time talking to him. He has always wanted to be more intimate but due to my resentment towards him over the years, I have no desire to be with him. I am pretty social and need to interact with other people where as he is uncomfortable and never seems to have a good time. I am 40 and feel like I cannot possibly live the rest of my life so unhappy. I always tell him I want out and want a divorce but then I always feel like I'm ruining everyone's life. He freaks out and I always end up feeling like it's not worth the battle. We have tried counseling however the reasons I want out never seem to get fixed for too long. He starts telling me everything I want to hear and will not listen to me. I feel that indicators of future behavior are past behaviors. I am just having a hard time feeling guilty for hurting him but we both deserve a partner that loves unconditionally. Trying to stay strong and make the break. I know I will be happier without him and our kids deserve to be in a happy environment and not with parents that show no affection for eachother and do not love each other. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. If you've been there or if you think i'm totally unreasonable and selfish I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Can't trust him with our money or with daily issues. Lies if he thinks I will be unhappy with something. Put us into major debt on multiple occasions that our parents had to bail us out of and never explained where all the money went. Makes choices when with his friends that I don't agree with and has put me in the middle to be the bad guy. Doesn't give me attention unless I ask, doesn't "value me" unless I ask. Married 10 years in August, 3 kids, 10,7,3. I feel dead to him. We've been in counseling and he's been trying but still keeps making choices that are not ok. ex. Didn't pay mortgage for two months and told me he did. I love him. I care about him. But I can't do this anymore. On the other hand i am terrified of divorce. Scared to be a single mom. Alone. When I think of hurting him it kills me. When I think of all the emotional turmoil for me and how I am going to prevent my kids from feeling the effects...I am scared I don't know how I will do it. Has anyone been there? I keep doubting myself. Am I crazy. Will he really change this time? Etc. I know he loves me. But at the same time I also think he doesn't truly respect me. And I think he is irresponsible. I am so tired of feeling so stuck in the mud. Want to end this drama but can't.

I married my wife about 10 years ago. We have 2 kids now; 4 and 8. She doesn't seem to have any affection for me anymore. No desires. No positive feelings or positive emotions for me. Plenty of negative feelings and negative emotions towards me. Both of us have 9-5 jobs and fairly stable jobs with stable incomes -- so the job stress is not there. I haven't been happy for a very long time. I have just given up trying or trying to make it work. I have given up trying to be romantic or trying to make advances or trying anything anymore. I can't figure out what to do. Is this what the beginning of divorce looks like? I have always been faithful to her. Should I just start chasing other women now? Should I file for divorce and move on? At this point I am only with her because of the kids. If it wasn't for the kids I would have left. But I don't want them to grow up without their dad and I think they love me very much and I love them. Should I suck it up and continue to live like this until both of them are adults and moved out? And then start looking for a new wife when I am in my 60's?! I met my wife when I was in my early 20's and she was 18. We married about 10 years later. I don't think it was ever true love right from the beginning. I always felt like I had this little thing nibbling in the back of my head that I really didn't think I loved her completely so why I am marring her? At the time I thought, well maybe that's all just normal and you grow up and accept who you are with and what you have. But how long do I continue to live this way? Hell, at this point I dont even know how I would be able to becoe single anymore. I have completely lost my ability to be charming to talk to people. The only thing I do is go running to get away from the house and the proximity of my wife.

My husband and I have been together almost 30 years. Yes I love him yes he is s great father but he and I no longer have anything in common and zero passion. He and I both have pretty secure jobs and our kids are in college. We haven't slept in the same bed for years. He comes home hits the couch and that's it. He has outside interests that he goes off on on the weekends boy scouts and his job is demanding. Now that the kids are gone is is so apparent. We are moreike roommates than spouses. I sit here day after day he comes home usualy after 9 pm on adverage. When we have the opportunity to go to things together he is usually already commited to something else. I can not leave it takes both our salaries to make ends meet. We have talked about how unhappy I am and he says he will try but I think.it is just the norm now. My kids will freak if we divorce. Our credit will be ruined. But am I supposed to live the rest of my life with a roommate? I am miserable but have no clue how to fix it. Is it better to live with a friend for the rest of my life or get out now? Will.I.be making a huge mistake or wonder why I waited?

After 27 years of marriage and 5 children I feel, quite often, that I just want to be by myself. I imagine the glorious possibilities. I have not been employed since 1986 when our first child was born. Sometimes I think I could just get a job and move back home and take care of my elderly father but that would mean my youngest child would have to relocate to a new school and I would never put my needs before my children. I loved my husband so fiercely that my heart would pitter patter whenever I would see him after 20something years. Now, because of the accumulation of what I categorize as betrayal, I have lost some of that loving feeling. I, still to this day, ask him to please take a day off of work and spend it with me. Just ain't gunna happen. He looks at it as though it is being wasted just hanging out with me at home. I know, I know, I should just occupy my days with manicures, pedicures, shopping/lunches with friends. The thing is that he has financially ruined us. We are broke due to his decisions and I am too frugal to blow money when there are so many bills to be paid. I cook (and a fantastic one at that) clean, and garden, and I love it! His financial decisions are abysmal, in my opinion. He is such a hard worker, but it is all for not in the end if life passes you by. He is stubborn and will not take advice from me. He has never had an affair, but has hurt me in so many other ways. Drugs and drinking use to be an issue many years ago. I even caught him doing drugs on one delightful Christmas night with a female family member that had stabbed me in the back before and he knew this. My feelings were most of the time secondary to his families feelings. He had stood me up on family gatherings and would ignore me for days or weeks on end for something I said or did. When our kids were little i thought I must be the crazy one. He would do or say something and then say he didn't. These are just a few examples. Although he has changed immensely from that person and has reformed for the most part, it still hurts. There once was a beautiful home with a beautiful wife and beautiful children who at one time couldn't wait for him to come home even if if he seemed grumpy. There still stands the beautiful home and beautiful wife and beautiful children (some now grown and living their lives). But where once lived unconditional love now lives a bit of contempt, frustration, and indifference. How sad. They say feelings follow actions so I will continue to love this man and hope for the best.

From reading this the first time and having raw emotions pour out I can safely say I can relate to a lot of the things on here from myside as well as my wife's. we've been though we've been together for 4 years now, I can safely say that I neglect her basic need for attention. We never really started off on the right foot. I met her on new years and she was moving back to her country. I ended up closing my startup and moved there with her to continue our relationship. Sounds romantic? It was.
She is beautiful, intellectual, and dynamic and had a real penchant for going out and enjoying life. I just getting out of a 5 year relationship was looking for exactly that. But, was trying to still be friends with my ex, non-sexual. We mutually agreed to break-up as we just grew apart. We had gone through a lot and she(my ex) had some emotional issues and I didn't want to hurt her. I attempted to be friends with her, even while dating my now wife. 6 mos into dating my now-wife found out and it really blew up in my face, rightfully so. I apologized and cut off any relationship with my ex. but it definitely created a trust issue for her early on and had persisted throughout our marriage.
We came back to the US since I had a better chance at job security and legal paperwork. I started to cut friends out from my life who she would feel that there would not be a trust issue. This mainly cut out all my female friends and a male friends, limiting my exposure to only people she felt comfortable with. At first I minded but I started to think from her position and wanted us to be happy together. I gave her full access to my computer, email and phone - I didn't have anything to hide. Though when you're lazy to clean out messages that could be misinterpreted definitely caught me a few times and caused a lot of grief.
As time passed, she would bring up our past when interrogating me about females that I was friends with. She would routinely drink when she got upset. It allowed her coup with her feelings, but it also enraged her more. At first, I just took it and put my head down and attempted to apologize for past mistakes. But she wouldn't relent. But then a calm would hit and things would be back to normal. She always enjoyed a drink or two and we went out a lot. But as she would drink I would be scared to go home because I knew she was going to get emotional and just pour everything at me - good or bad. When it was bad I'd get awful name calling and a few times she would hit me. One time I reacted and tried to kick her out of the apt. That's when it was really bad. I had never gotten that worked up before. I knew then we should have separated, but it had only been about a year and a half and I thought time would heal our problems. For a little while it did.
Unfortunately, the early battles left emotional scars between us and I recognized that though we loved each other throughly, her trust issue never could heal. I started to associate her drinking with a fight and started to resent her. Little fights were blown out of proportion. I'm not blameless, I'm not all that romantic and my humor is pretty sarcastic, which to her was borderline hurtful. My approach to an apology is more of and I'm sorry I won't do it again. Than a grovel on my knees and get read the riot act. On top of that me and thoughtfulness don't really coexist. Though I do care when gently pushed. I've gotten better, flowers and a few love notes here and there, but recently they have been more negative reflection notes of our relationship or journal entries that illustrate regrets from the fight before.
Now, I realize I've really complicated our relationship by hiding my attempted friendship with my ex. It's caused her hurt and pain, but I thought she would have by now moved on. But there are moments when they popup from her caused by something I'd say or some action on FB to make her think I was interested in another person. I know I'm wrong and have attempted to justify my actions in the heat of the fight. I regret a lot of things, but think she'd be better off without me. She's on course for a great job that would help her reach her dreams, but in another country. We just moved to Europe to be closer to her family and if she takes this job we'd have to be long distance for quite some time. On top of that I really don't want to move to the country her job is in.
I love her and i think she still loves me, but all the fights and separations has worn thin between us. I'm going through regret for suggesting that she leave, but when I look at it - it only makes sense. She'd be able to chase her career dream without me and my insecurities holding her back. She'd be even closer to her family and friends. She'd have no problem finding another person who could fullfil her needs, or at least would start a relationship with trust in tact. At first, I was wondering if could get advise, but the more I read this I'm realizing that we need to separate/divorce. No matter how amazing our love is and how outwardly "compatible" we were. Inside we were broken early on and never found the right glue to fix things. Perhaps my question to the group would be how do deal with regret or loss when you feel/know you've caused the downfall of your relationship.

Please help!! I have been married for 9 years. I am tired of trying to get through to my husband what my needs emotionally are. I need compassion, support, compliments. Show me you love me!! I have dealt with Bipolar and Depression all my life. I am not the most pleasant person lately either. We have 2 kids. Yes I am not confident a lot of the time. It is like most of the majority of the time any sort of affection needs to be coaxed out of him. We are both 36, I myself think he is childish for his and can be immature. I get my needs met by him at a point then he stops because it is like he forgets, then he starts to just kinda be here and of course then the immaturity and what not rub me the wrong way and he ends up that way and rude and like kidding around all the time like we are just buds. It is so annoying!!!!!! I am beginning to be so annoyed and irritated by him being so childish, and not listening to me. What in the world can I do anymore??? I am so tired of trying!!!!!! It has been many years of trying! I get my needs met, as if he makes that happen then I am so happy and you know like high but then as he stops and starts being disrespectful and rude and childish, then it is like WHAT????

I am so confused right now. My husband and I have been together for 9 years and married for 8. I love him with all my heart. He says I'm not the person I use to be, the fun, outgoing, confident woman he fell in love with. I admit, I do not feel the same way about myself. I've gained about 30 pounds (I have severe rheumatoid arthritis in my spine making daily activities sometimes difficult). We do have fun together (unless you ask him) but we also argue. He can be a bully but he can also be very loving. When I took my vows I meant them... for better or worse. My father just passed away on Thanksgiving and it's been hard. A couple weeks later my husband moved out, said he still loves me but needs some space. He said we fight too much and he's had enough. What do we fight about? Mainly my kids. I have 3 kids (20,18, and 12) and he has 1 (12). Most of our arguments are based on kids issues. He wanted me to seek counseling for "myself". So I did and I still am. I go every week to work on why I have no confidence or self esteem. I feel it working. I feel I am seeing the "why". He had even offered to go with me so we could work on us. He has only gone once so far. I guess the straw that broke the camels back was 2 empty cigarette packs were found in my sons (he was 17 at the time) room even after numerous times of being told "no cigarettes in our house". My husband blew a gasket and tossed his room. Everything went to the middle of the room. When I got home my husband told me what happened and I made the comment that "he was going to be 18 soon and we can't stop him from smoking (outside of our house)". I get it... he intentionally defied us. I didn't agree with the extent that he destroyed his room (things did get broken) but it is what it is. My husband moved out. He has still been coming around almost everyday and tells me he loves me. By the way... our 8th anniversary is this coming Tuesday. Last night he came to our house to fix the furnace. He sent my daughter upstairs and proceeded to tell me that this just isn't working. He still loves me but it's not going to work. What? How can you say I love you but it's not going to work even before you have given counseling a good try? I don't know what to do. I don't want a divorce. I don't think our marriage is beyond saving. Too many times people throw their marriages away like trash. I'm not saying stay together regardless but at least give it a good effort. He loved me unconditionally once... can't he feel that way again?

I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired of my husband. We have been married 3 years and things have been more down than up. I have three children( a son-13, girl-11, girl-6). My son is a special needs child who is developmentally delayed he does not walk or talk. Me and my husband got married and before we did I tried to tell him things about my past that he needed to know about me but he refuse to listen until my brother called me an inappropriate name to get a feeling out of him; anyway he has not gotten that out of his head and it's been three years now. My husband has means of money that he gets every month but he also works; I just recently graduated from college and gotten my B.S. degree and I work part-time at the same job I've had 6 years and it does not pay good but its work. My husband does not save money. Lately he has been working and whining about his job and he works away from home and my husband has always been a womanizer, he loves women but claims now that he is so in love with me. I know he cheats on me but just haven't caught him; when he comes home he turns his cell phone off, but wants to know why my phone isn't ringing or always making comments about my phone. I don't cheat on my husband and don't ever plan to, but I know he is. He has not saved any money, when I got money he always want my money. Our anniversary was last month and he didn't give me anything because he said he owed the hotel that he was staying in for phone usage ( I don't believe him). He is constantly texting me and wanting to know what I am doing and trying to keep up with me. I like that fact that he works away because I am starting to feel like resentment towards him when he is around and really I am feeling like I can't stand my husband I hate him and that's not a good feeling. He is good with the children but he is such an asshole at times to the whole family. My mother stayed with us for six months and it was his idea but last month he decided he was not going to pay rent because my mom was there and he really put the family in a bind and I have hated him for that every since and can't get over it. He wouldn't want me to treat his mother that way, he lies so much and always trying to manipulate the situations and turns things on me like its my fault. I just wish he would just walk away from me and leave, but I know he want, I just want out of this marriage and it is going to be hard. We have a new car together and both of our names is on the car but he does not have drivers license. I am so confused and I know this is going to be a big mess to divorce this man, he is diagnosed as being pyschosis and I'm a little bit scared of him. I just need to get away me and my children but don't know what to do.

Ok here is my story, I will make it as short as I can. When I was 16, I had a kid, I was a single mom and I struggled everyday, wanted to find that perfect man. Then I was 19 and had another baby, my childs father turned out to be a liar (surprise) and I was soon a single mom again. I worked all the time, had my own place, but I struggled a lot with being a single mom and wanting better for my kids. 5 years ago I met a man who was great, so I thought. I met my now husband through an online thing, immediately fell for him when he was dancing with one of my kids, and nervous to see the other one (who was on vacation and coming home) I got pregnant 2 months after we met, (b/c didn't work) and after only 3 months, found out he was cheating on me. It was hard but I tried to deal with it, at 6 months in, I found out he was trying to sleep with the next door neighbor at our apartment complex. Yet I tried to forgive and we got married, I loved him. He cooked for me, the kids, he took them to the bus stop, he watched them anytime I wanted to leave, basically aside from the cheating, he was the dad my kids never had, and the man I loved but was starting to hate a little bit. Well we struggled financially, he had no job, I was working, then at my 8 month pregnant mark, I lost my job. I have always wanted more for my kids so I signed up for school, then my husband did, his schedule conflicted with mine and we had no childcare, so I stayed home. 2 years later, I started school. In that time we moved into a house, still he had no job but we made it work. Then I found out he was cheating on me again, making fake profiles, etc. Anyways, we tried to make it work, but he started calling me everytime he was gone, texting me, and I mean so much I didn't even answer my phone. I asked fr a seperation. Soon he was texting me more and coming over, and I loved him, a week later we were back together. He ended up getting a good job and now we live in a nice house, all the kids have their own rooms, and we have separated once here, for a month. My problem is, I don;t know if I should not be happy. He does things like he deals with me (im bi-polar) he cleans, he cooks (I do too but he helps) he takes the kids to school, he is excited for their school plays, functions, he asks how their day was, etc but he doesn't really spend time with them, his job makes it to where he is gone a lot (which I can handle easy) but when he is home, I expect him to play with the kids, and go do things with us like go to the park or whatever, instead he has an attitude, the last time he watched the kids he had them in bed 3 hours early because he didnt want to deal with them. , he calls me at least 60 times a time, texts me non stop, if I don't answer he calls my mom, my friends. He is constantly telling me he loves me and wants to know if our relashonship is going to work even if all I did was get mad over something stupid. I have no private time, if I go in the room, he needs to put something away, if I am mad and don't want to talk, he follows me into the bathroom or the bedroom or whereever I am. I can easily make it seem like he is a bad guy, but at the same time, he does little things for me like makes me coffee when I wake up, brings a blanket out and puts it on the couch for me so i don't get cold if I want to come out and be lazy, tells me I am pretty even when I am sick and have no makeup on, but it seems like everything he does, he just does because its our normal life. I don't like having sex with him, everything he does makes me angry, even if he had good intentions, I feel like sometimes I am going crazy because he can be such a nice guy, but he is too needy. He has recently been yelling at me and calling me names and waking me up to yell. I say I dont want to argue in front of the kids, yet that is all they hear, every day. I am happy when he is not home, but I am afraid of doing it all again. If he leaves, I lose my house (I can't afford my rent/bills) and I go back to an apartment with the kids, and then what? Honestly I don't know what to think anymore, I don't know if I love him, I don't miss him, recently we went down so I could see my family on an extended visit, I stayed for 19 days, I didnt miss him once....what is wrong?

I have been married for 9 years and recently seperated from wife 5 months ago. I have one daughter who is 6 years old. I was always a faithful husband until recently. I developed a crush for a coworker about a year ago. I revealed this to my fellow coworker and the feeling was mutual. We began texting and talking for months. I really began to have strong feelings for her. My wife eventually found out and she moved out to a apartment of her own even though nothing physical had happened yet. The day my wife moved out the coworker came over to my house, and we had amazing sex. We continued to text and sleep together for about 2 months. Then some coworkers found out and the affair ended. I still have feelings for the coworker. My wife and I have continued to have sex even though we our seperated. We our going to marital counseling about once a week. My wife works at a hospital so she works every other weekend. So throughout my marriage I felt like a single dad. She is not very affectionate at all. She is also 7 years older than me. The coworker was 10 years younger. I am 35 and take care of myself physically in good shape. I am trying to figure out what I want to do. She wants to work things out, but I am not sure. I told her if we get back together she must not work weekends and she seems ok with this. I would like to also mention that sex with her was always ok, but she never slept in the same bed with me the entire marriage , because she says I snore too much . Need to make decision to stay married or to get divorced. I do enjoy living alone. I always craved for alone time when I was married.