You know, it's easier for me to say and list the things that I don't want in my life. In discussing settlement options and living arrangements for the boys, the issue came up of moving closer to my ex.

Mind you, this would totally uproot the children from their school, their life in their neighborhood, including their friends, church, sport organizations, etc. So, I'm not sure how realistic of a mind-set this discussion even had, especially considering doing that to children. The goals are obviously not the same here — to keep the best interest of the children in mind at all times.

So, I'm not willing to relocate closer to my ex to facilitate shared parenting or co-custody. Right now, he's living with his mother, and I'm certainly not going to travel and move away from my friends, support system, etc., to watch he and his mom work together to raise my children. I'm not exactly sure in what world that would be considered okay from a mother's perspective ....

I know that having their dad around a bit more would be productive for the boys, especially considering that I didn't grow up with a father. I'm not willing to sacrifice my needs, though, to move - or to put the boys' emotional side at risk for the benefit of my ex. That I can't do, and is on my "don't do" list, which is becoming much more sturdy — and I'm very pleased with that.

You know, 2008 has been a pretty good year so far. Easy, not so much — I've been posed with so many personal challenges, but I feel good about the decisions I've made that will keep me going through the year.

School is going well. I'm focused and able to manage the schedule fairly well. Now, mind you, I still have times where I'm overwhelmed and have a ton of stuff to do, but I make push through.

Work is also going well. I'm happy in my position and with my co-workers, and I'm trying to have more fun. I'm trying to reach out to discover the students and the classroom need and bring that to them. So far, it's working well.

At home, the boys are settling in. They're getting comfortable with their schedules, their counselor, and school life. It's not the route I would have taken, but I can't say I regret the move for them into school.

I'm very active in my family, and am participating in a lot of events that are fun for me. I'm really happy about being able to express myself and not have to ask anyone's permission to do so, which just feels great.

I'm living on my own terms. (Well, most of the time.) I'm happy to be accountable to me.

I've always completed the taxes for our family. It's usually a very simple project. With the proper organization and a few hours on Turbo Tax, our forms are completed, submitted, and awaiting the approval of the IRS. And, to top it off, we generally get a refund.

This year is different. My ex wants to claim the taxes as married filing jointly to get a bigger refund, however he's being a total pain in the ass about it.

Normally, I would have had the taxes finished and had the refund check already deposited into the accounts and possibly even already decided upon how to "position" the funds — whether that meant paying off bills or sticking the money into savings for a rainy day.

So, I'm trying to be patient and wait for something to be done. I refuse to pay someone to do the taxes, when I bloody well know how to download the program and get it all done efficiently for less.

I'm so not looking forward to the additional financial challenges this year will bring. I mentioned previously that I have always been primarily responsible for the bills and financial decision-making. I'm ready to be on my own, like I was before, and get the show on the road. How do you deal with these co-financial issues?

I feel as though I have a new spark for life — that I'm allowing the laws of attraction to work in my favor. And I'm loving it.

In the past few months I've found new appreciation for the little things — people, books, myself, faith — the list goes on. In the end, I'm pretty sure that most of it boils down to having a new appreciation and desire for myself. I'm letting myself to be attractive to people — and not just in the opposite-sex way, but in general — and I'm opening up for exploration.

At one point, I felt emotionally inadequate around others. I'm a younger person and have already had a long-term committed relationship. Talking about post-relationship dating with other women seemed weird to me — beyond foreign. I felt like I was unfit to join the conversation.

But as I've explored within myself, I see that my fears are no different than theirs. Yes, they might be older than me, but we're all looking for the same thing: We want to be cared for, nurtured, and above all else, to have fun.

I've always thought that if you're not having fun in life, you're doing something wrong. I've tried to instill this message in my children as much as possible. Right now, we're not having fun, but I'm going to work on taking steps to make that happen.

Round two of the depositions is over. Stakes are set pretty high for both attorneys. At the end of our conversation, my attorney, while walking to our respective cars, said I really needed to realistically think about what I could be okay living with if this case were to settle.

At first, I was alarmed, thinking, "Oh, no," that she felt this was our only option, however she quickly quelled that fear, and went on to say that she didn't think we wouldn't win if we went to trial, just that it would be very expensive, and that she realized I wasn't in the position to fork over a ton of money, and that, ultimately, she would do what I needed her to.

However, as a mother, I know what she meant by thinking realistically about what I could and could not live with.

So, here I am, at the drawing board, thinking of hypothetical situations that I really don't want to consider. But, I'm putting myself in the shoes of my boys, ages five and seven, and considering their needs.

My parents weren't around for me. They'd passed on when I was five, and I know that having two parents around is more beneficial than having one. I'd like to think I'll make a very good decision.

It just hurts to know that it isn't my wants, or what I'd dreamed of in terms of what I expected for my own family. But, I am respectful enough of my boys to know that this is a huge decision that will affect them for their entire lives, so I don't want to feel guilty and accountable for making a wrong one.

We've all heard the expression, When one door closes, another one opens. I think that through the divorce process, we make an attempt to close the door on certain situations, and no matter how tightly we thinked we shut it, it unexpectedly bursts open again. This same philosophy can be applied to our emotions, too. We can close them to some extent, however, when we're put in a specific situation, that door is reopened and the emotions pour over us.

I'm ready to close the door on the past nine years. I'm ready to engage in new experiences and move past all that has happened to me. I want to focus on the positive, and see the light at the end of the tunnel, and not think back to the door that underneath can show an inkling of light.

I know that this isn't the total truth for me in many aspects, however, as I've seen my ex change his behavior toward me, and spew the most horrible things ever said about me, I realize the only way to make myself better is to make the attempt to close the door as much as possible for the sake of my emotions.

I read Debbie Ford's Spiritual Divorce, and this has helped me to identify the good and bad from my relationship and take them with me into what I hope will be a better life. I want to say, "new" but that isn't totally the truth, since I'm not new, I'm just more resolved.

OK, so I didn't date a whole lot before I got married to my ex. I was 16, so never was in any kind of "scene," "pool," or playing people games. I really want to get out on the "market" though and meet some people. I know that I am a great person and I deserve to have some companionship and have someone appreciate me.

I do worry about finding someone that can have a respect and admiration for me as a person that has children, which I'm assuming is going to be somewhat challenging to find. Ultimately, I don't see myself having any more children. I don't really want more children. Not that this won't ever change for me, but in my mind, right now, what I have on my plate is more than my fair share.

I don't want to lie to anyone either though. I'm a very direct person and don't think it should be hidden that I have children — not to mention that my car has safety seats and my calendar is plastered with photographs of them. So, it would not be easy for me to hide that information if I wanted to, and I don't.

So, here I am world. I'm ready to dive into the sea of people and try to float amongst them.

'p.I have read several books on co-parenting, and how to try and establish positive relationships between your ex for your children. This, however, very difficult for me. I was finally able to get the boys in to an appointment with a recommended counselor. This has taken months, mind you — and guess who shows up? Right. The ex. He hadn't wanted them to go to counseling because he knew they would innocently say something, or perhaps even divulge their feelings to someone not within the home.

 

Now, he has to be present every moment that the boys are even looking at this building. It's very intimidating — for me, as well as for the boys. I know that when we made an attempt to seek counseling, he voiced his opinion prior to our appointments about what could and could not be discussed during our sessions. Granted, he's not in the room with the boys, but I'm sure he has the same philosophy behind them talking to someone about their problems.

It hurts me that they are vulnerable — that I was vulnerable to that. I feel powerless to the situation though, and can only show the boys that I love them and respect their time to vent their feelings. I truly hope this is enough for them. I love them so much and want to eliminate any hurt that I can for them. I'm sure most of us feel that way. Anyone found any great co-parenting books beyond the normal, "your family is changing," dynamic?

I've really started to feel more like a bird spreading her wings to fly, or a butterfly who is shaking out her wings for the first time to float in the breeze. I'm seeing myself as who I am, an individual to be appreciated, cared for and even to have others be nice to me. Yes, that was a hard one for me.

When I talk to people about my relationship, it's always shocking that I was married for so long, for multiple reasons — one that I'm so young, and two, that it got so ugly. I'm really glad that I had the audacity to walk away from a fuming situation. I just couldn't see myself right now still involved with my ex, the way he treated me.

Now, I can bounce a little bit more. I have the ability to be a little more flexible and malleable. No, I don't always like what is being thrown in my direction. Sticks and stones hurt your bones, and so do words. Right, that statement was never in the right.

So, the freedom that I've explored in the past few months has been exponential to me in my growth process. I feel energized, renewed, and ready for good things that life has to offer me. And, if for some reason there is something else bad that could happen, I can certainly handle it.

When I signed up for school in November I was excited. I felt I needed something that would offer me something to do, other than sit around and worry about my circumstances — money, divorce, the kids. I needed something new and fresh in my life, and I felt that school would be a positive change for me.

I was just tired of worrying. I'm still excited about the potential that I will have when school will be over for me, but it's just tough. It's different than I expected, and it's challenging. I love a good challenge, but I can tell you that I am exhausted. My brain is often over-fried from handling all of the same amount of decision-making, work, house issues, children issues, all on top of school.

So, I'm finding my own balance, being able to work on even more than I was before — and still have a positive attitude. I enjoy the process and will remain positive about the opportunity for me to learn, improve, and expand as an individual.

I also will be counting down the days until the next break period. Just like a typical student! I can't deny that I love being able to just relax and veg around the house.