You know, it's easier for me to say and list the things that I don't want in my life. In discussing settlement options and living arrangements for the boys, the issue came up of moving closer to my ex.

Mind you, this would totally uproot the children from their school, their life in their neighborhood, including their friends, church, sport organizations, etc. So, I'm not sure how realistic of a mind-set this discussion even had, especially considering doing that to children. The goals are obviously not the same here — to keep the best interest of the children in mind at all times.

So, I'm not willing to relocate closer to my ex to facilitate shared parenting or co-custody. Right now, he's living with his mother, and I'm certainly not going to travel and move away from my friends, support system, etc., to watch he and his mom work together to raise my children. I'm not exactly sure in what world that would be considered okay from a mother's perspective ....

I know that having their dad around a bit more would be productive for the boys, especially considering that I didn't grow up with a father. I'm not willing to sacrifice my needs, though, to move - or to put the boys' emotional side at risk for the benefit of my ex. That I can't do, and is on my "don't do" list, which is becoming much more sturdy — and I'm very pleased with that.

Round two of the depositions is over. Stakes are set pretty high for both attorneys. At the end of our conversation, my attorney, while walking to our respective cars, said I really needed to realistically think about what I could be okay living with if this case were to settle.

At first, I was alarmed, thinking, "Oh, no," that she felt this was our only option, however she quickly quelled that fear, and went on to say that she didn't think we wouldn't win if we went to trial, just that it would be very expensive, and that she realized I wasn't in the position to fork over a ton of money, and that, ultimately, she would do what I needed her to.

However, as a mother, I know what she meant by thinking realistically about what I could and could not live with.

So, here I am, at the drawing board, thinking of hypothetical situations that I really don't want to consider. But, I'm putting myself in the shoes of my boys, ages five and seven, and considering their needs.

My parents weren't around for me. They'd passed on when I was five, and I know that having two parents around is more beneficial than having one. I'd like to think I'll make a very good decision.

It just hurts to know that it isn't my wants, or what I'd dreamed of in terms of what I expected for my own family. But, I am respectful enough of my boys to know that this is a huge decision that will affect them for their entire lives, so I don't want to feel guilty and accountable for making a wrong one.

'p.I have read several books on co-parenting, and how to try and establish positive relationships between your ex for your children. This, however, very difficult for me. I was finally able to get the boys in to an appointment with a recommended counselor. This has taken months, mind you — and guess who shows up? Right. The ex. He hadn't wanted them to go to counseling because he knew they would innocently say something, or perhaps even divulge their feelings to someone not within the home.

 

Now, he has to be present every moment that the boys are even looking at this building. It's very intimidating — for me, as well as for the boys. I know that when we made an attempt to seek counseling, he voiced his opinion prior to our appointments about what could and could not be discussed during our sessions. Granted, he's not in the room with the boys, but I'm sure he has the same philosophy behind them talking to someone about their problems.

It hurts me that they are vulnerable — that I was vulnerable to that. I feel powerless to the situation though, and can only show the boys that I love them and respect their time to vent their feelings. I truly hope this is enough for them. I love them so much and want to eliminate any hurt that I can for them. I'm sure most of us feel that way. Anyone found any great co-parenting books beyond the normal, "your family is changing," dynamic?

The most difficult challenge for me right now is how my children are reacting to the divorce. They are five and seven, innocent little guys who just need unconditional love. It's hard for me when they get upset and ask for their dad. The bottom line is that the situation really isn't OK, so I certainly don't want to lie to them and say it is.

I won't belittle their father to them, even though I know he does utilize any chance he has to tell them negative things about me. I can even often hear him speaking to them about me on their mobile phones. I know it's happening, and right in front of my face.

The boys have their ups and downs, as do I. I finally have an appointment for them to seek counseling, since my ex was fighting me in just allowing them to attend. I think deep down he just knows that some of the things he has done and said will be discussed in counseling. Of course, he doesn't want that to impact his perfect dad image.

So, they're hurting. They're uncomfortable. They have the same reactions as adults, and it's not fair to keep them from seeking help. I'm doing the best I can to try and comfort them and let them know that they are loved by both of us. I want what is best for them. Do you have any tips on how to keep your children more comfortable during the divorce process?

As much as I enjoy the holidays, I'm really relieved that Christmas is over. I had an enjoyable season with my children and my family. I've grown so much closer to my family, sans husband. He never wanted to entertain at our house, and was never interested in spending any time with my family. So, after a few years of pleading with him, I finally just gave up and we stopped attending many of the family functions around the holidays, just so that I didn't have to listen to him complain.

I now regret making that concession. It wasn't fair to me, or my boys. They had so much fun playing with their cousins and enjoying the love that surrounds a large family. I'm sad that we missed out on previous holidays, but I'm pleased that there are more to come. They're not going anywhere, and they've not shunned us, despite my ex's behavior.

It's so easy to misjudge the value of things in your peripheral vision. Family has always been very important to me, but I was blinded by the fact that I haven't been a very good participant in my extended family. They've been there for me through thick and thin, and I didn't really see that, until now.

My vision has definitely changed. I won't deny my boys any more of their loving family. Now is the time I need to reach out to them, as the throes of 2008 will bring my "epic" divorce trial. I think I will definitely need some hand squeezing!

At the start of each year, I always sit and reflect. I take special note of what my expectations are for myself for the coming year, or things I resolve to work on that will help me get to those goals. I do this for my children as well - things I'd like to help them work on throughout the year. This was especially helpful while teaching them. Writing down my goals gives me great focus and a great sense of joy once those goals are accomplished.

My divorce will continue in 2008, hopefully wrapping up by this time next year (please?). While I don't have any control over this facet of my life, I'd like to consider that a door is closing. And where one door closes another opens.

I feel a door that has opened for me is enrolling in a program to finish my bachelor's degree in education. I loved working so closely with my homeschooling group, and out of everything in my life that has changed, I truly miss them the most. I miss the exposure to the kids, having fun with them and teaching them. I aspire to finish my education so that I can get back on the track of inspiring other children and parents. I love the outreach involved in working with young kids, and I'm ready to dive in to this passion.

I think for me, one goal at a time is going to have to be substantial. While my goal to finish schooling won't be finished in 2008, I have high hopes and ambition for the day when I can cross off this accomplishment from my list. Time flies, and I plan to make the most of this experience - which is what really counts, right?

My son reminds me on a daily basis how many days there are until Christmas. We have an Advent calendar that I purchased four years ago when we first moved into our home. It has a box for every day of the month, and in each box is a new ornament that gets placed on the tree. It's quite beautiful and one of my favorite holiday items to display.

It's comforting that they haven't lost the love, desire to celebrate Christmas, and the traditions we've celebrated in the past — in addition to some new traditions we're creating. We're spending a lot more time with my side of the family — with some great people that we were almost completely isolated from the past ten years — since to my ex, they just weren't good enough to be around.

I miss them, and am so pleased that we're back into the swing of things. One of the greatest blessings that has come out of my horrible experiences from my abusive relationship is that my family is still available, ready to surround me, show me love, and that they never went anywhere.

I have found great comfort in playing "I'll Stand By You," since this reflects the image that they have in my life right now.

Sounds funny, I'm sure, since several radio stations are playing classic holiday tunes, but I'm starting a new tradition. A tradition of in treasuring these people, reintroducing myself to them, and vice versa.

As my son counts down the days, I know just how many days are left before I see them in celebration — and ONLY celebration.

I have calculated that since the time my ex and I separated, back in July, that I have accumulated over $10,000 worth of attorney's expenses. So, that averages to $1,666 per month, which sadly enough is very close to my individual take-home salary.

My case isn't going to end quickly. Because there is a child custody dispute issue, my trial might not even be until July of next year.

I'm a fairly financially savvy individual, and I'm feeling the pressure of the continued attorney bills that are going to come my way, through the process of an upcoming trial.

Not only is the accruing debt insurmountable, but I need to make some decisions in the interim about my home, job, and the expenses that are associated with both. I admit, I've not always been a financially fit gal. I sacrificed a lot of peace of mind that I wanted in life to support my husband's dream of everything bigger and better, and to make more and more money to have the "grass on the other side of the fence."

Wonder if he likes his grass now...

I certainly am not chipper about mine, but want to try and be a responsible person with the circumstances of this divorce so that I can piece my life back together and move on. It sucks to look at figures this way and say, my divorce is costing me over $1,000 a month — but I do know, that if I had stayed in my marriage, I would have lost a lot more than money. I have no regrets, just want to make some sound decisions.

How much has your divorce cost you?

I'm not sure why, but my ex is trying to be nice to me. Obviously, there is some form of motivation behind it. I know. I realize the sneaky maneuvers that have been played on me for years, and I can smell the thickness of betrayal in the air. I'm sure I will soon find out. Still, I wonder what the backlash will be after this slice of pleasantries.

My boys were up sick all night on Monday. I had a very important deadline at work, and wasn't able to make arrangements to work at home as I have in the past. So, last minute, I asked a friend to care for the boys during the day. As soon as my ex found out, he wanted to rush to the rescue and keep the boys, since he was able to provide that flexibility. I wasn't going to say no, and clearly my friend would have chosen not to have children making a mess of her bathroom, or any other rooms for that matter.

In our marriage, I would have had to beg for help, then would be turned down since there were other important things on his agenda, and then would have had to find someone to assist with the boys. I didn't give this impromptu decision making a second thought.

After a day's worth of rest, the boys were still not feeling well, and he offered to keep them overnight, in case they needed to stay home again. I agreed, since this seemed to be in the best interest of the boys.

I guess I will soon find out what motive is behind the kind gesture soon.

The status conference went better than I had expected. I think my ex is starting to show that he's cracking. He becomes very irritated and starts to exhibit his anxiety clearly. At least it's clear to me anyway — I would assume it is for others as well.

The accusations they continue to bring to the table are that I'm abusing drugs and alcohol — which is just overtly ridiculous. I'm a strong-willed, well-educated, mother of two — a determined worker, caring individual, and extremely punctual and timely. There is nothing about me that screams "abuser". I admit, I might be addicted to coffee — but I only put milk in it!

It pains me to hear such negative remarks made about me. I sincerely hope that the wealth of negative karma gets spread back around. I know that's horrible to say, but I can't say that it isn't deserved.

I get so worked up about these meetings, but there isn't a whole lot that gets decided. The parties really just sit down to work out any issues that can be maintained prior to a mediation or hearing, if one is requested. There wasn't one requested at this time, so I play the waiting game - again.

I asked my attorney how long I'll have to continue through this process, with the custody dispute and guardian ad litem involved, and she said to not expect any news until at least half way through next year.

I know, I know. Patience is a virtue — but I just want this stage in my life to be closed. I want to open new doors and look for different opportunities for me to create more value. I will be as patient as I need to be for that.