Round two of the depositions is over. Stakes are set pretty high for both attorneys. At the end of our conversation, my attorney, while walking to our respective cars, said I really needed to realistically think about what I could be okay living with if this case were to settle.

At first, I was alarmed, thinking, "Oh, no," that she felt this was our only option, however she quickly quelled that fear, and went on to say that she didn't think we wouldn't win if we went to trial, just that it would be very expensive, and that she realized I wasn't in the position to fork over a ton of money, and that, ultimately, she would do what I needed her to.

However, as a mother, I know what she meant by thinking realistically about what I could and could not live with.

So, here I am, at the drawing board, thinking of hypothetical situations that I really don't want to consider. But, I'm putting myself in the shoes of my boys, ages five and seven, and considering their needs.

My parents weren't around for me. They'd passed on when I was five, and I know that having two parents around is more beneficial than having one. I'd like to think I'll make a very good decision.

It just hurts to know that it isn't my wants, or what I'd dreamed of in terms of what I expected for my own family. But, I am respectful enough of my boys to know that this is a huge decision that will affect them for their entire lives, so I don't want to feel guilty and accountable for making a wrong one.

Well, the first round of depositions went better than I could have expected. I was nervous, but confident in my ability to answer the questions that were thrown at me. I was able to organize my thoughts and answer decisively. The questions presented to me lasted about five hours. It was gruelling, and I didn't want to be there, but I understand this is an important stage in the divorce proceedings. My ex is fighting for custody, and has prepared a smear campaign against me.

Because my deposition went long, my attorney didn't have a chance to finish her questioning, but the questions she was able to ask gave everyone involved insight on how to proceed further with this case. Basically, my ex lied during the deposition, under oath. He's claiming that I'm a number of things, including obese, a lesbian, bi-polar, addicted to drugs and alcohol, as well as a poor parenting figure. I'm sure I've forgotten something in there, but it's pretty laughable.

He was not adequately coached for his deposition as I was. He not only shared more information than was required in answering a question, but he rambled and tried to validate all of his answers almost proving his warped sense of perception. I'm now eager to find out what else he is going to say in the following portion of his deposition, especially if he is going to continue to condemn himself in this fashion.

We do have psychiatric evaluations pending because of the allegations both of us claim against each other. I'm pretty sure mine is going to be fine — but his is questionable.

Anyone else have experience with psych evaluations?

Last week, I had to sit in my attorney's office and watch a short video about my upcoming deposition. People who don't know me very well often think I'm quite shy, but in reality I'm more reserved. I open up easily when I get to know people better and especially if they make it a point to approach me first in a friendly manner.

Now, I don't like confrontation. This is something I've learned about myself . While it seems quite simple in nature, with my abusive relationship I was constantly confronted. I was never able to just say "I don't like being approached this way".

I know that this deposition is going to be very confrontational. I'm sure it won't be in my face or gruesome, but since this is what is often depicted on television and in movies this is the picture that I have in my mind of what I have to look forward to.

I'm prepared for odd questions. I am prepared to take a deep breath before I say anything. I am prepared to provide minimal information and not provide information that wasn't asked for. This is going to be hard for me as I have a lot to say, but I know I won't have the opportunity to share "the whole truth" at this deposition.

I'm nervous too about what sort of questions they will be asking me. I'll work on picturing a nice beach scene in my mind, as they ask me questions. Hopefully that will keep my spirit relaxed so I can answer with confidence. Think it will work?

I have calculated that since the time my ex and I separated, back in July, that I have accumulated over $10,000 worth of attorney's expenses. So, that averages to $1,666 per month, which sadly enough is very close to my individual take-home salary.

My case isn't going to end quickly. Because there is a child custody dispute issue, my trial might not even be until July of next year.

I'm a fairly financially savvy individual, and I'm feeling the pressure of the continued attorney bills that are going to come my way, through the process of an upcoming trial.

Not only is the accruing debt insurmountable, but I need to make some decisions in the interim about my home, job, and the expenses that are associated with both. I admit, I've not always been a financially fit gal. I sacrificed a lot of peace of mind that I wanted in life to support my husband's dream of everything bigger and better, and to make more and more money to have the "grass on the other side of the fence."

Wonder if he likes his grass now...

I certainly am not chipper about mine, but want to try and be a responsible person with the circumstances of this divorce so that I can piece my life back together and move on. It sucks to look at figures this way and say, my divorce is costing me over $1,000 a month — but I do know, that if I had stayed in my marriage, I would have lost a lot more than money. I have no regrets, just want to make some sound decisions.

How much has your divorce cost you?

I feel tortured — bound, gagged, and waiting for another beating.

I'm emotionally exhausted. Every day, my ex does something new to harass me. I want this divorce to be over. I want to be left alone. I want to create new beginnings — but I'm stuck in the ever-growing punching bag of this divorce.

There are new allegations against me on a weekly basis — that I'm verbally abusive, unkind to my children, abusing drugs and alcohol — the list goes on. I believe this all to be a projection of his own issues, and I have proof that none of his claims are true, but he knows that this shit gets to me. He knows that I become irritated with threats to my integrity and moral character, which I'm proud of.

He continues to claim that I don't relay information to him. I've communicated to him that all information will go through our son's backpack in a sealed manila envelope — per my attorney's advice — yet he complains. I'm sorry, I'm not going to personally deliver anything to him — it's against my injunction.

He however, has no boundaries, and even though the injunction expresses he is to not come to the house, he's trying to exchange information "personally" through our mailbox. Not okay. I plan to file another police report and hopefully this time they will use it against him, especially since we have a status conference with our judge soon.

I refuse to continue to be trampled on any longer. I will stand up for myself.

The status conference went better than I had expected. I think my ex is starting to show that he's cracking. He becomes very irritated and starts to exhibit his anxiety clearly. At least it's clear to me anyway — I would assume it is for others as well.

The accusations they continue to bring to the table are that I'm abusing drugs and alcohol — which is just overtly ridiculous. I'm a strong-willed, well-educated, mother of two — a determined worker, caring individual, and extremely punctual and timely. There is nothing about me that screams "abuser". I admit, I might be addicted to coffee — but I only put milk in it!

It pains me to hear such negative remarks made about me. I sincerely hope that the wealth of negative karma gets spread back around. I know that's horrible to say, but I can't say that it isn't deserved.

I get so worked up about these meetings, but there isn't a whole lot that gets decided. The parties really just sit down to work out any issues that can be maintained prior to a mediation or hearing, if one is requested. There wasn't one requested at this time, so I play the waiting game - again.

I asked my attorney how long I'll have to continue through this process, with the custody dispute and guardian ad litem involved, and she said to not expect any news until at least half way through next year.

I know, I know. Patience is a virtue — but I just want this stage in my life to be closed. I want to open new doors and look for different opportunities for me to create more value. I will be as patient as I need to be for that.

My next status conference with the judge is coming up. I can’t help but be nervous. I know many of you have had to walk into judge’s chambers. Does this ever get any less intimidating?I’m just sick of combating my ex. He’s trying to manipulate me through the system. He’s playing games with the courts and with his attorney. He flat out denies any requests I make on the children’s behalf, especially, if there is any chance I might benefit from the change. He just isn’t following any written order provided by the judge, which aggravates me to no end. I like to follow the rules, and as much effort it took me to step out of my personal comfort zone with my ex and set some boundaries, the rules of other people have a whole new importance. I’m just drained. I’m exhausted. I want release from manipulation so I can heal my own wounds and to move on. I am feeling like I wasted nine precious years of my life dedicated to an individual that I can now see never reciprocated. I realize, though, that I define myself first as a mother, and I cannot have my children ripped from me. So, I am quite intimidated by this upcoming meeting. My ex just wants to punish me by taking away anything he can that has significance to me. He did promise to make my life a living hell. I guess that’s one promise he’s going to actually follow through with. How nice.

Friends have told me that it seems as though my ex is out to "right a wronged child". Granted, he is ten years older than me, so this could be a complex issue that he has. I just want out. I want to have my own personal space. I want to be able to live harmoniously with the personal boundaries I've set. I want my children to live peacefully.

Apparently, this is too much to ask. I'm still sitting without any child support payments. I get new motions for anything and everything filed almost weekly. I owe another $5,000 to my attorney to replenish my retainer, and we've not even really started working on our dissolution of marriage yet. We're still just fighting custody upheavals.

The good news is that we finally have a guardian ad litem assigned to the case, and they will be looking out for the children's best interests. I surely hope they get to know my children quickly and see that I have always been providing for them wholeheartedly. This process is grueling and not at all fair.

I've never had someone come into my home and critique my way of life, or the way that I've raised my children. Yes, I have in-laws, but somehow getting the legal system involved just isn't the same. In my heart, I know that my children are loved, safe, and have a happy home — but at the same time there's just no denying my nervousness.

There is no way to dictate how the visit will go — if the kids will be in a good mood, or if they'll feel comfortable having someone new in the house. I'll explain to them, of course, that the guardian is coming to visit, but I'll need to find the right way to describe to them what's really going on. I need to find a way to tell them that the contact they have with this person will impact their lives so whole-heartedly. It's really scary in this position.

Here I am, coming from an abusive relationship and my world is literally turned upside down, pretty much on a weekly basis. I struggle to remain standing upright and not suffer from vertigo. I know I can do it! Even if I do fall down, I will get back up. That's a promise I've made to myself. I've lived nine years in this relationship — I have many, many more to live outside of it.

The condemnation continues. My ex has filed ANOTHER emergency motion for child custody. We've recently had assigned a guardian ad litem to assist us with our case.

They will be representing the children's best interest, since my ex is not willing to come to any agreements regarding the children.

He received authorization codes for them to see a licensed counselor, but wants to have control over which counselor they see. The person he wants is over an hour's drive away — one way — which is just unreasonable for the sake of time and the children's best interests.

What child wants to spend more than eight hours a month in a car? I just want them to have someone to talk to. He's denying their right to speak out to others about their feelings, which is so unfair to them.

And he's shining the light on me saying I'm the bad guy? This ridicule from the legal system is sickening. He's abusing the system to further his own interest in harassing me, and it royally sucks. He's putting me through financial upheaval, which is surely one of his goals. He's putting the boys in the middle of this battle, which is truly saddening.

I totally understand the difficult feelings that arise when getting divorced, but I do not feel as though children should be logistically placed in the middle of a mess like this. They are so tender. All they need is unconditional love.

I wish the world ran on unconditional love. It would make my fiasco much easier to handle if we just approached things with that philosophy.