Infidelity: A Type of Domestic Abuse

Posted to Resource Articles by Cathy Meyer on Mon, 01/05/2009 - 9:14am

When my friend Kate finally collected enough courage to end her 12-year marriage to Will, she was suffering all the symptoms of a victim of domestic abuse. She had panic attacks, was in a state of depression, her self-esteem was in the gutter, and her sense of reality was distorted.

In the beginning, Kate would have scoffed at the idea that she had been a victim of domestic abuse. After all, Will “had only cheated” on her. He had not laid a hand on her, yet he had managed to undermine and diminish her through his long-time affair with an old high school girlfriend.

Kate had done what many victims of infidelity do. She failed to realize that in trying to save her marriage, she had destroyed herself by not recognizing that she was as emotionally vulnerable as any abuse victim.

Why do I believe that infidelity is a form of domestic abuse? Because infidelity can be as devastating as a physical attack. Infidelity makes a spouse humiliated, hurt, and helpless. Ultimately, it is experienced as a grave loss, the death of trust. When a husband cheats, he directly attacks his wife’s sense of worth.

In coaching women who are going through divorce due to a husband’s infidelity, I’ve found there to be common characteristics with victims of domestic abuse:

• Both can become an ongoing aspect of marriage. There is a recurring cycle in which the abusive or cheating husband is repentant and the marital relationship functions well. Then there is another episode of abuse or infidelity.

• The husbands may show brief periods of guilt or remorse, but usually seem insensitive to the pain they have caused. Most will not accept responsibility for the suffering they cause.

• The victim suffers from low self-esteem, a sense of worthlessness, a lack of control over her life, a dependency on her husband, and a distorted sense of reality in which she believes that what happens is her fault.

If you’ve found yourself in the same situation as Kate and have become an unwitting victim of domestic abuse isn’t it time to break the cycle? Instead of driving yourself to distraction why not face the simple fact that your husband’s infidelity is his choice and that choice was abusive in nature. His choices may leave you with no choice but to end the marriage.

In How To Survive The Loss of Love, Harold H. Bloomfield states that “starting over seems too big a task and often the victim feels as though she cannot live without her once-true other. Infidelity shatters her assumptions of what her life once held true. The one who was her security is now her source of danger. When safety is threatened, we have abuse.”

If your husband is cheating, take action. Tell him that his behavior is unacceptable. Set boundaries and be able to stand by those boundaries. Don’t allow dependence on an unhealthy marriage to tear down your ability to live life on your own terms and free of abuse.

You may not save your marriage, but you will save yourself.

When To Hire A Private Investigator To Catch A Cheating Husband — a video interview with private investigator, Jerry Palace

How to Catch a Cheating Husband, 15 Signs to look for if you suspect your mate is cheating

Comments

"Lies of Omission" by an Expert Cheater

Submitted by Leigh (not verified) on Sun, 11/04/2012 - 8:16am.

Almost a year ago, my husband took his first "Christmas vacation" in 17 years. His job at FedEx would never allow him the time off. Right before then, he started talking to me about "this person" (never referred to her as female, which I found odd right away because he always uses names). Well, apparently, "this person" was having a rough time at his job, and being the manager, he had to help her out. By Chrstmastime, "this person" was calling his cell non-stop and he was running to the basement to talk to her in private...nothing he had ever done before. It escalated to the point that I found him on the phone one time, walked up to him, and he actually RAN AWAY from me to keep talking. He would even go outside the house or to the car to talk to her. He lied and said her job was on the line and he was helping her because she is living with her ex-husband, has kids, and she was also unhappy that she e didn't have time to see her boyfriend!another time, she called from some hospital saying her "granny" was sick...called my husband...a manager...what, am I stupid! Didn't she have a family member or friend to call instead? Well, when I did confront him I found out he's known her for at least 12 years, she has long curly hair and big boobs, "although too much eye make-up and wears "frumpy shoes to work, even though he. Told her to wear high heels ( his all-time fantasy woman, or so he's mentioned throughout the years). Well, I have none of those traits...my husband hasn't noticed what I wear in years...no tthe type to comment on a woman's shoes! Aside from all this, she is 37 and I am 53, although one thing I have always had on my side is my looks...I didn't buy clothes or do my nails etc for years in order to do for my 2 kids and "the home" but I am slim and pretty and don't look my age at all...without globs of eye liner and mascara! Well, since then I also discovered on "our" credit card" he had subscribed to singles sites and porn sites on the computer, plus I actually found his calls and texts to not only this co-worker, but a bunch of women...I even intercepted him midway at 4 am by calling one of them...I called her and told her to stop calling and texting my husband...we have 2 kids. Well, he said it was a "co-worker's sister" he'd met...when I pressed the issue after he invented a quick but "too long and elaborate lie" that should be on TV, he admitted it was woman he.met online. Then I started piecing together all the lies throughout...Recent clothing purchases...expensive cowboy boots, etc..."going out with his Fedex friends" with his new jeans and cowboy boots...all lies. Telling me about going to late "dinners". Almost a year has passed...got him to go to a marriage counselor but stopped...he doesn't "believe" in them. Finally said we should be "roommates," which is how I have been living for months...in utter pain and misery. He moved in the basement from day 1 but since we have kids he has to tell me when he "works late" or goes to "dinners" etc. I am "stuck" taking care of the kids and feeling like a fool. The "original" 37 year old still calls...he jumps... He even admitted the marriage vows were "words"...different values and morals here. I was going through my mom in a nursing home and other problems...he opted to "help" another woman during my crises and at Christmastime to boot. The pain of betrayal has been unbearable. I have to find a way out...for my 2 girls And my sanity. I don't want them to grow up and think that women have to accept this cheating double-standard. Unfortunately, I gave up my full-time job for part-time years ago and have to figure out how to start over...how do we tell the girls??? Thank you to whoever is reading this.

CHARACTER COUNTS? I DON'T THINK SO....

Submitted by hurt and angry (not verified) on Fri, 09/07/2012 - 3:27am.

My husband is a custodian in a small school district. He has been cheating off and on for the past 4-5 years with a MARRIED slut who was the "Program Specialist" aka vice principal (and his supervisor) at his school. She was supposed to be the "Character Counts" role model for students at this school--and her own daughter was a student there! From letters I found, they not only had sex in local motels, but at the school itself! Stupid little "love poems" were written by her constantly to my husband-"is this lust, or is this love"--this whore fancied herself a poet, but took all her "poetry" from Hallmark cards. My husband began grooming himself, excercizing, coming home late--the lying, cheating whore even called our house on weekends under pretense of needing my husband to open classrooms at the school. When her husband found out, he made her change schools. She still pursued my husband, and he her, through excessive phone calls. Her husband then made her transfer to a school in a town nearby still serviced by the school district. They proceeded to make over 400 phone calls on district provided cell phones during school prep and class hours, and the land lines from their respective schools. My husband now says it's over (for a couple of years), but I have a hard time trusting him. This woman left a message on his district cell phone last June (2011) saying "Hi, baby...I really miss you, baby...I'm outside with the family, perfect night...working on my school plan...I just really miss you, really miss talking to you in the daytime...miss you baby, love you...call me..." Can you believe it? This lying, cheating, fucking whore has administrative as well, even though she was demoted before leaving my husbands school. I want SOOO badly to take my husbands phone records, her sick letters and cards, "underwear gifts", etc. to the district to prevent her from being promoted and ruin her reputation but I know my husband would probably lose his job. I also want to speak to her husband to assure he knows EVERYTHING this whore of a wife of his and my husband have been up to. I have confronted her several times in front of others as she continually comes into my husbands work neighborhood, and she acts as if she has done nothing wrong and is still the "character counts" perfect person. I can hardly stand that others know nothing of what has occurred and I am sooooooooooo angry I want to physically hurt her. My husband says I need to trust him...HARD to do, especially since he has recently begun his "primping" behavior again and is constantly preparing his appearance for his next day's work. I am a professional educator/teacher as well, and have had to retire as I could not stand staying at my own work knowing my husband and this married whore were meeting and plotting behind my back while at work. This has taken over my entire life, and affected my relationship with our four children horribly, as I am always upset and suspicious...and depressed...my self-worth is at an all-time low...

Moving Forward

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 7:36pm.

MOVING FORWARD 1) It is absolutely vital for you to move forward with life and love. Being willing to trust again is key. Take life one-step at a time. 2) Do not try to make sense out of the NON-SENSE. It is never acceptable to go outside of the relationship to solve problems. 3) It is NOT EVER your fault that your spouse cheated. Do not take on this responsibility. 4) Remember the cheating spouse has not only disrespected you, they have disrespected your children, family and friends. 5) TIME HEALS NOTHING! It is what you do with the time that matters. 6) Remember it is better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else. 7) There comes a point in time where you may have to draw a line and say, “That’s it, I’m done. I withdraw my emotions and my presence. “ 8) Children are much better off in a safe, loving home with one parent who is well adjusted, happy, and thriving. 9) Do not stay in a marriage for the children if this means enabling the cheating spouse to keep cheating. This teaches your children it is acceptable in life to cheat, lie, deceive, and manipulate. Teach your children to respect themselves, you, and the world around them. 10) Teach your children there are boundaries in life. 11) Teach your children it is hard “to do the right thing”, but it is well worth it in the end. One who promotes his or her short-term interests at the expense of others will suffer greater loss in the long-term. 12) Teach your children to have empathy, integrity, morals, ethics and values. 13) Teach your children to trust their instincts. 14) Teach your children to love themselves, but never be arrogant. Always remember, you are their primary role model and you have a responsibility to them as much as yourself. Hope this helps.

My husband is a liar and a

Submitted by Doll (not verified) on Thu, 03/22/2012 - 9:09pm.

My husband is a liar and a cheater. I hate him with a passion. With only 4 months of marriage. I am divorcing him. I hate him.

This happened to me too. He

Submitted by Me (not verified) on Thu, 03/22/2012 - 2:58am.

This happened to me too. He wouldn't let me use his phone some years ago. I always misplaced mine and needed to call my grandfather. It turns out he was sleeping with. Someone else and I have since forgiven him, but now a few years later he had met a girl at the park while taking our son out. I work and he stays home with our son.well, he ended up hanging out with this girl and her daughter and didn't tell me about it until a few days later. He had her phone number, but had said that he didn't have it at first and that he only ran into her at the park. He said they are just friends and so did she rudely, but I know he was trying for more. What should I do? I'm a nice pretty girl and I'm only 27, but my self esteem is so low from years of his flaring temper and unloving behavior. I still feel like I must have done something, I'm not good enough to love, if I was skinnier ,if I didn't have to work so much if I can just be more easy going, but it's impossible to be that way when someone who is supposed to be there for you never is.

Cheaters

Submitted by Erika (not verified) on Wed, 09/28/2011 - 12:56am.

You were RIGHT!!!!! I asked to "borrow" his cell phone cause mine wasn't working.He errased something and took long to lend it to me!!.All he needed to do was to unplugg it and give it to me!.As simple as that.Also, I just learned that cheating qualifies as domestic abuse. One night I playfully grabbed the phone from his hand.He freaked out! he forsefully opened my hand and took it from me.If he had nothing to hide.why actthis way?.lso,can I sue him? and actually win? What about Alimony?

Spouse Cheating.

Submitted by Erika (not verified) on Wed, 09/28/2011 - 12:40am.

My Husband's a CHEATER!!!

Infidelity: A Type of Domestic Abuse

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