Well, it's Thankgiving again, a time when we reflect on all of the things that we have (rather than what we don't have) and remember to be grateful for them. 

This year has changed me in so many ways; molded the clay of my being in ways that I would not have imagined, but now, cannot live without. I've met a lot of amazing people and I've been moved beyond belief by the kindness that these people have shown us. I'd like to take a moment to thank some of those people now. 

To my very best friend Rachel: Thank you for standing by me for all of these years, but especially this year. You are my angel. 

To Adam: Thank you for showing me the way — "my way." 

To all of the wonderful people at Adrian's daycare center: I cannot find the words to express how truly grateful I am to all of you. Putting my son in daycare was a very scary thing for me, as I'm sure it is for most mothers. The support, encouragement, and general help that you've given me is astounding and I am nothing short of exceptionally thankful. The kindness, love and respect that you have shown my son has helped us both to grow. You feel like part of our family now. Thank you, thank you, thank you from both of us. 

To all of the First Wives World readers:  The community of women gathered here are all unique and all equally amazing. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me and thank you for allowing me to share mine. 

To Maureen, FWW editor: Thank you for fixing my punctuation. (You have no idea how much this means to me!)  

To everyone I've dated, even if it ended badly: Thank you for the experience, thank you for your interest and (maybe) thank you for putting up with me. 

"If you do not wish to be prone to anger, do not feed the habit; give it nothing which may tend to its increase."  —Epictetus (55 A.D.–135 A.D.)

This is the way that I have been trying to live. It seems that out of all of this — the sadness, the despair, the desperation, the lonlieness, the worrying, the anxiety — that the anger has been the one emotion that no matter how hard I try to shake it off, it continues to hang on.

I've written so much about how angry I am at Levi. How I'm angry about what he's done to me, to us, to our son. How I'm angry that this divorce left me bare, stripped of all of my innocent beliefs of true love and Prince Charmings.

But what I haven't written too much about, haven't even really realized on a conscience level myself, is how I am angry with myself.

How could I have been so stupid? is something that often comes to my mind. How could I have not seen the forest through the trees?

I told my therapist that if I met Levi for the first time today, I know that I wouldn't even like him. In fact, when I first met him, I didn't really like him...at all.

It was the idea that — this man loves himself so much there must be something great about him — that kept me coming back for more.

Last night I got home after working for 12 hours, my kid had pink eye, the house was a mess, and my cat had puked all over the floor. It's nights like these that I become angry with myself for ever even believing in Prince Charming and happily-ever-after in the first place.

Except now, as I feel the anger washing over me, I give it nothing, I do not feed it and I feel it fade away faster and faster.

I hope maybe if I keep this up, I will find a way to let go of the anger.

I read Inner Work by Robert Johnson, a book about using your dreams and active imagination as a pathway to finding your "true" self. It's definitely not a novel; as a matter of fact, it's a pretty intense book, but it's one of those reads that you absolutely cannot put down.

It's packed with a lot of Jungian psychology; which to me, made it ten times better (I find that stuff fascinating).

Anyway, it's really a workbook for understanding and listening to your subconscious self by way of your dreams. I figure that since the majority of us bloggers here have mentioned a strange dream at least once, that I'd share the info.

According to the book, everything in your dream — people, places, objects, food, colors, etc. — are all symbolic representations of yourself, and knowing this is the first step to cracking your dream's deeper meaning.

A dream interpretion looks like this:

1. Write down your entire dream.

2. List every object and person.

3. Next to each object, write down what it means to you.

4. They say to use the "it clicks" method, which means that as you are writing down the meanings you will eventually stumble upon one that will make you say, "ahhh ha!" The more and more that you do, this the more natural it will become.

I tried it out on a bizarre dream I had the other night. In my dream I was in a big old house that I was not familiar with. Levi was there and we were getting along, but it was awkward. I was in the living room changing Adrian's diaper when Levi said to me, "Something is different about you. What's changed?" I looked at him and replied, "I'm not insecure anymore." As I was saying this to him, I noticed his cousin in the corner and it made me feel awkward that I said that in front of him.

"Sometimes I fantasize about getting married again," I said to my friend Rachel. We both looked at each other stunned — even I couldn't believe the words that had just come out of my mouth.

"But," I continued, "I don't really see the point."

Both statements are true.

There is a part of me that dreams of sharing that bond with someone again. This is the more emotional part. But the other part — the more cynical part — says, why even bother?

Consider the cost of marriage (which can really be anywhere from fifty bucks to fifty thousand bucks — and even more if you're totally insane), factor in  the sky-high rate of divorce, then throw in the cost of getting a divorce. Truthfully, marriage can seem like nothing but a bad investment. And that does even cover the emotional energy that you'll spend, the heartbreak that you'll endure, or the cost of your therapist.

It's 2008, and the rules have changed. People live together for years without being married — something that once upon a time was frowned upon. Now, single women give birth to babies every day. Quite simply, times have changed and sometimes it seems that marriage is becoming more and more outdated.

But then why does that other piece of me yearn for it?

What is it about marriage that despite the obvious pain in the ass that it can be, that keeps up coming back for more? 

I finally realized today that one of my major problems is the fact that I absolutely cannot relax.

Okay, that may be an overstatement, but ask any of my friends and they will tell you that getting me to "chill out" is an enormous undertaking.

I spoke to my friend Rachel about it this weekend. "Yeah," she said. "But in some ways it's gotten better.  At least now you can actually sit through a whole movie."

Rachel and I have been friends since high school. High school, I think, was when my issues with anxiety started. (I've since realized that if you didn't have anxiety issues in high school you're abnormal.) Back then, not only could I not relax, I couldn't sit still either. I was constantly on the move.

Now that I'm an adult, it's kind of the same thing, except for the fact that there are times when I must sit still. Like, for instance, in meetings, doctors appointments, and all of the other grueling "grown up" stuff that we subject ourselves to.

Lately, I have been attributing my non-stop, go-go-go behavior to the fact that I am a single mother — I am quite busy. However, that idea became somewhat broken up when my therapist asked what a typical day was like for me. After explaining it to her, I realized that there are ways that I could make more time and slow down.

I told her that I get up for work at 7 AM, get in the shower, make Adrian breakfast, feed that cat, get us both dressed and out the door by 8AM. Then I drop Adrian at daycare, work at high speed from 9-5, pick Adrian up, drive home (sometimes stopping for groceries, diapers, etc.), start dinner, start cleaning up, eat dinner, and clean up some more.

Play with Adrian, do laundry or some other sort of cleaning.

We read books, I put Adrian to bed, I clean up some more and I start working on my freelance jobs. Then I clean up...AGAIN, and go to bed anywhere from 11:30 PM – 2 AM.

I have finally reached the breaking point of this whole thing. The light at the end of the tunnel, that not too long ago seemed so unattainable, is upon me now. For once, I couldn't feel better.

I find myself waking up every day with a new found sense of excitement of adventure. Realizing finally, that my life is, in fact, MY life, and there are so many possibilities.

I've been trying new things. Ranging from minuscule to huge. From trying new recipes, to going on vacation by myself. (Something I recommend everyone try once.)

Now I understand what "finding myself" actually means.

I'm enjoying spending all of this time alone. Reveling in fact, in staying in, wearing comfy pajamas and reading a novel.

I'm making plans for my future now; plans that at one time I would have only dreamed of.

I'm loving that I'm not tied down to a man.

I think about Levi, and I know that even if he hadn't of left in the way that he had, that we probably wouldn't have worked out; and, if we had, I may very well have had a life riddled with regrets.

When we were together, I made my life very much about him. My world revolved around him so much that I didn't even know the most basic of things about myself.

If someone had asked me three years ago what my passions, aspirations, or goals were, I would have been hard pressed to tell them anything.

Ask me that same question now, and you'd be hard pressed to shut me up.

Here, now, as I am building a better life for myself and my son, I am filled with hope and excitement for the future.

About a month before Levi and I were married, he decided to get a tattoo. It was a tribal sort of tattoo and was of a circle that came together at three points. Somehow this circle was (maybe still is) very symbolic to him, and he told me that it was symbolic in terms of our relationship, our coming together.

I found myself thinking about that tattoo yesterday as I was driving on the freeway, alone. Since I've had Adrian I have found that I have all of my epiphanies, realizations, and profound ideas while driving — that's also where I do all of my problem solving. Driving to and from work, daycare, etc. is the only "me" time I really get anymore.

But, back to the tattoo. So I found myself thinking about his stupid tattoo — what it represented to Levi, what it represented to me — and I began to wonder what he must think of that tattoo now? (I mean, I've always said tattooing somebody's name on you is probably the stupidest thing you can do [unless that someone is your child], but I've never thought about a symbol.)

That's when my new epiphany happened. That tattoo looks like a cyclone. Our relationship was a cyclone. We came together in a frenzy, ran circles 'round and 'round until we spun totally out of control wreaking havoc on ourselves and everything around us. Then we broke apart, each person forever changed, each on a new path.

I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, that there are no coincidences, that we are each put here for our own unique purposes; and every epiphany I have like this one brings me closer and closer to finding mine.

Last night I dreamed of Levi again. This time I dreamed that I was in Los Angeles with my friends, and that Levi came to visit us.

It was just like old times, with drinks, conversation, laughter, and music. Except that I was not the old, naive me, I was the new me, the older, wiser, mother of an almost two year old boy whose father abandoned him. That version of me.

I like her so much more.

In the dream we are at this party and we finally sit down to have dinner. Levi is sitting across from me, and I am struck with the realization that I don't feel anything; no pain, no anger, no emotion what so ever. I marvel at that for a second, and then feel giddy.

Then, he stares at me. Stares right into my eyes.

And it hits me.

That disgusting raw feeling, that feeling like you've been socked in the stomach; it’s the feeling that comes when you have pain, disappointment, anger, pity, and hurt all rolled into one.

Then the tears come and I try to hold them back as I excuse myself from the table.

In my dream, Levi followed me outside and we talked. In my dream he told me that he was sorry that he failed me, that he missed me.

In reality, I know he would never do that.

I woke up again thinking, What the hell is the matter with me?

Then I realized that I've done this before. See here.

It seems that since my divorce, every time I have an opportunity to have a somewhat serious relationship with another man — a man I really like — I dream of Levi, and I start having serious doubts.

I'm glad that I've noticed the pattern. It helps that I’ve been blogging about this, so there’s a record, and I can recognize these patterns.

Even if I'm still unclear as to what it all means.

Sometimes I still dream about Levi. But not in the way you think. When we first separated I couldn't even sleep, let alone dream. Then, when I finally started dreaming again, I'd dream us back together; together as one big happy family.

I'd wake up from those dreams feeling more depressed than when I went to sleep; dying to go back to sleep and savor that fantasy for just a moment longer.

I'm so glad I don't do that anymore.

Now I have angry dreams.

Now I have dreams in which I am screaming at him.

Now I have dreams in which I am leaving him behind.

Now I have dreams in which I am kicking him out of my house.

I had one of these dreams last night. In my dream, Levi was in my house (don't ask me why) with his whole family.

They were sitting there as I reamed each and every one of them. I was screaming and crying, asking them how they could do this to my son? I remember that I was screaming at Levis' sister, "How dare you!!"

I awoke from this dream slightly startled. Why am I still dreaming about this?

In truth, I don't really feel as angry as I used to. I've worked hard at letting that anger go.

This prompted me to do some research on dreams and I've discovered that people work out their issues through dreaming.

One study, conducted by the Association for the Study of Dreams, looked at 49 people going through divorce. The study showed that people who incorporated their ex into their dreams at the time of the break up were significantly less depressed and better adjusted to their new lives at the follow up point than those who did not.

Another remedy for divorce: Get plenty of rest.

I went to my therapist last week (as I do every week) and for some reason she asked me, "Why are you here, what do you hope to get out of therapy?" I pretty much thought we had already established this but I guess she was just checking.

I told her that my ultimate goal — with regard to therapy — at the moment was to let go of the anger. I feel at times that I am so angry that it is holding me back. You wouldn't know it to look at me, either. You might not even know it if you knew me. I'm generally a pretty happy, social, outgoing person. Or at least that is the way I appear. Underneath all of that is one pissed off chick.

I am so angry with Levi (for obvious reasons) and barely a day goes by that I don't at least have a fleeting moment of rage toward him. Sometimes, if I get on an anger "roll," I can be distracted by it for hours.

This is a problem. I need to let it go, accept what he's done so that I can get on with my life.

Anger sucks. Especially when he's not around for me to take it out on.

She suggested that I write a list of things that trigger my anger. I did it, and my list is absolutely ridiculous. In fact, this is probably the only forum where I could share my list and not be looked at funny or laughed at.

Here's one of the triggers I put on my list, just so you can get an idea:

Anything to do with the state of California, especially in the winter — I can't stand that I'm shoveling my car off, probably while holding my baby, while he's sleeping in sunny California.

Do you understand what I'm saying about it being ridiculous? I actually hate the entire state of California, just because he's there. I'm rolling my eyes at myself.