My birthday is Sunday.  Although I won't say how old I'm going to be, I will say that I'm not quite 30, but it's getting pretty damn close. I know it may sound silly, but the 30 mark is really freaking me out. I want to have accomplished something great by the time I reach that milestone.

Some of you may remember that for my birthday last year, I got to go to family court. What a joy.

The year before that, I had to practically beg my husband to celebrate with me. I recall him saying that he had a lot of work to do, and wasn't sure he could be home. I remember watching him outside, from our kitchen window, pace back and forth on the porch, talking on the phone. I remember when he came back inside and told me that he had "worked it out" so that he could stay with me.

Apparently, "stay with me" meant make me dinner and then leave.

It wasn't until months later that I found out the truth. There was no work, there was no working anything out. Levi was seeing another woman. Levi went to be with another woman...on my birthday.

So, the last bunch of birthdays have been pretty crappy.

I'd almost like to just let this one pass by quietly. Stay home, snuggle in and watch Desperate Housewives. My friends don't want to let that happen.

And the truth is, I don't really want that to happen either.

So, here's to a new year of Faith, literally and figuratively. Here's to better birthdays. Now that I think of it, I really do have a lot to celebrate!

I went to a barbecue at my boyfriend's mother's house last weekend. I had already met her a couple of times before, but this time, I was bringing my son. There was supposed to be a crowd of friends and family, along with his sister (whom I know and like), so I wasn't sweating it too much. 

I much prefer functions like those. Where you can sort of find one person to chat with and get lost in the shuffle. I like big families. Levi's family was way too small.

I was having a really fantastic time when I looked over and saw his mother holding a present wrapped in paper that said "Grandma" all over it. This woman doesn't have any grandchildren.

She saw me looking at her — and I'm sure I had that "What the %&^*" look on my face — so I blurted (who hasn't done that?), "Does that say 'Grandma' on it?" She nodded at me. Then her friend, who had given her the gift, jumped in and said, "Oh, anything for a laugh, you know?"

I was sitting there thinking — but this time not saying — no, I don't know. What the hell?

I feel like I've been dealing with this kind of bullshit forever now. When my boyfriend and I first met he was inundated with people telling him to "WATCH OUT" or, "She's on the lookout for a father for her child," etc. etc. etc. The implication made me so angry; as if I'm willing to allow just any man to be a father to my child. Give me a break.

Yes, I am a single mother, and I love my son, but he is not what defines me. I define me. My decisions define me, like the decision to keep my child. My intelligence defines me. 

When I finally came to terms with the fact that Levi and I were never going to be together again, I had a whole slew of emotions, but the biggest one was fear.

I was primarily afraid of being alone, afraid of trying to make it on my own, afraid of change in general. I kept thinking to myself: Who the hell is going to want to date me now? A young girl with an infant — they're going to be running for the hills, right?

Wrong!

Recently I've been so inundated by men that it’s freaky! They're all over the place, and they're all over me. My phone rings nonstop, my inbox is constantly full, I could have a date every night if I wanted to. It’s weird. It's fun, and I enjoy the attention, but I am so not interested in having a relationship. I explain this to all of these men — and they're men, so you'd think it would be easy.

I tell them all that I'm not interested in a relationship, and then they pursue me more. It’s ridiculous. I remember when I was interested in having a relationship, I couldn't find a man anywhere. Now, I'm not interested and they're beating down my door.

I spoke to a fellow First Wives World blogger about this. Her theory is that men just love the pursuit. They like to get what they've been told they can't have. I'm beginning to agree with her.

Anyhow, if anyone needs a date, let me know!

A friend of mine just broke up with his girlfriend, and is really bummed about it. He talks about her all the time, everything he sees reminds him of her — it's really sad.

The other day, he was telling me a story about a vacation they had together, and a picnic he took her on. Just talking about it was upsetting to him.

As he was telling me the story, it triggered a great memory of Levi and I.

Levi and I met in March, and in July we went to Virginia to meet some of my family. On the Fourth of July, we went to the grocery store and bought cheese, crackers, grapes and wine.

We headed down to the beach, off of the James River — absolutely one of the most gorgeous places on the planet. We swam all day, listened to music, and lay on the beach drinking wine and eating cheese and crackers.

It got later and later, and before we knew it, it was pitch black. Suddenly the sky lit up with fireworks — the most amazing/beautiful fireworks display I have ever seen.

As I smiled to myself at the memory, I looked over at my friend — still telling his story — and noticed the anguish on his face.

I realized then that I've come a long way. A short time ago, I wouldn't have been able to think about Levi without having some intense emotion attached to it.

The truth is, for all the bad, there was a lot of great. For some reason, we all seem to focus on the negative. I'd like to remember all the good times too: the laughing, the love, the fun, and all the happiness that we brought each other, once upon a time.

I made a tough decision a few days ago. I called Jeff and told him that I wanted — needed — to end our relationship. As I’ve written in my previous posts, Jeff was supposed to be a one-time fling, but it quickly turned into something else.

I told him that although I do really like him and we were having lots of fun together, it was just too much too soon for me and that I couldn't afford to “fall flat on my face again.” What started at a casual fling suddenly turned into him calling me multiple times a day and e-mailing me from work. We were we were having dinner together practically every night. He even introduced me to his parents!

I tried to convince myself that I could do this -- have a relationship so soon after Levi — and that I was only freaking out because I was scared that Jeff is a great guy and that I should give him a chance. But the fear of committing to someone again — of “falling flat on my face” again — won out in the end.

I feel badly because I hurt him. He was very upset and tried to convince me that he wouldn't hurt me. He kept telling me how much he likes me. He kept asking me what he could do to convince me to give it a chance. He reminded me that he is not Levi, and that I shouldn't expect other men to “pay Levi’s tab for him.”

Before I even knew what I was saying, I said the same tired line that's been used by millions. I said, “Jeff, it’s not you, it’s me.” I used to think that line was just a cop out, but in this instance its certainly true.

So, last night after a harrowing day of seeing Levi and signing our divorce agreement, my friends decided to throw me a divorce party. Anyone on First Wives been to one? It was supposed to be a surprise but I saw the "Happy Divorce" cake in my friend's refrigerator, so I had some idea. It was a lot of fun.

At first I was pretty apprehensive about the idea of celebrating the end of my marriage. But it went well and we didn't bash Levi--well, not too much--and we had a blast.

My friends sang "For she's a jolly good single." I got a slew of gag gifts, including the biggest dildo I've ever seen and an ex-husband voodoo doll! We had a few toasts. I actually toasted to Levi for all the good that came out of my marriage, for all I've learned, for all the wisdom I've gained and for my beautiful son.

I realized last night that I was celebrating the beginning of my new life. A celebration of my "reinvention" and a fresh start. I'll be moving to New York City and starting a new job in a couple of weeks so it really does feel like I'll be starting over.

The closure that came along with that realization was phenomenal. I feel like a new woman today. Now, the only question I have is: What do I do with the leftover "Happy Divorce cake?" I know you're supposed to freeze the first slice of wedding cake and keep it for a year, but what about " Divorce Cake"? Anybody know?

Jeff and I are still "seeing" each other or whatever it is we're doing. Its fun, we have a good time, it's easy and the sex is amazing! Okay, can anyone else see the "but" coming here?

BUT, I've had two opportunities to sleep over at his house, and both times I've gotten up and left after he fell asleep. I don't know what my problem is, it's almost like the actual sleeping part of "sleeping together" is too intimate for me and I freak out. I guess that's what the problem is. In reality, I'm really freaked out that I like Jeff so much and that we're so comfortable together.

I feel like if I'm not super careful, I could lose myself in a man again. So, as a result, I have this incessant need to feel as if I'm in control of everything that's going on. I've made terms, agreements and conditions on our "relationship" that are probably just stupid. I pretend to be cold and unemotional, but I'm sure he can see right through me.

I don't want to be vulnerable. So, let me ask you since many of you here have more experience or knowledge on the subject than I do: Am I being an idiot? Have any of you gone through this? What do you think I should do? Advice, suggestions and comments would be greatly appreciated!

As you know, I threw a party for my friend Saturday night. Well, the party started out a little slow but I had invited about 75 people. Everybody said they were coming, but only about 25 actually showed up!

Because we were having the party at a local brewery, there were a lot of random people standing around so we invited them to join us and before too long, the party was in full swing. I was feeling great. I love my son, but it was so nice to have a night off.

Halfway through the night, I was standing in the corner talking to a group of girlfriends, and I looked over and there's Jeff staring at me. Jeff is the guy I was dating when I met Levi, my ex. He's attractive, smart, sensitive, funny, etc. When we were seeing each other back then he was going through a devastating breakup and had a slew of personal problems. When I met Levi, interestingly enough, it was Jeff that told me to go for it. I hadn't seen him since then.

I smiled at him. He came over and offered to buy me a drink. I accepted and before long we were talking, laughing and flirting shamelessly.

I was so stressed out all week last week. Along with my usual daily drama, I also took on the task of planning and executing my best friend's 30th birthday party. You'd think party planning is easy, but there are so many little things to do and by Thursday, (the party was on Saturday), I was losing my mind.

Everything turned into an issue. I had assigned jobs to a few friends (guys), food, music, etc. They did nothing, so at the 11th hour, I was stuck with figuring out the food, music and other entertainment. I got into a tiff with the birthday girl's mother over the type of icing I ordered for the cake. It was absolute chaos.

So it seemed that by Friday night all the plans were in place and all I had left to do was pick up the cake in the morning. I let out a sigh of relief and realized that I was actually getting excited. I hired a babysitter for the first time ever; we were having a
party! What was there to be so stressed about?!

As I crawled into bed that night I realized that I've been so busy that it had been days since I'd allowed my mind to wander over to thoughts of Levi. I realized I didn't even want to think about him. I smiled and went to sleep, eager for the next day.

Have you ever met one of your boyfriend's friends and felt like damn, I should have been with him instead? Most of us have. That's how I felt when I met Rex, Levi's close friend. Rex is talented, sophisticated, intelligent and witty and what's more...he's GORGEOUS!

For a while after Levi left (and sometimes still), I was too embarrassed to show my face around town, what with all the rumors flying around regarding the paternity of our son. I decided that it was silly for me to go into hiding and have found myself going out more and more without regard to what others think of me.

So one day I was walking through town and I ran into Rex. I felt a little awkward at first but he treated me with kindness, held my baby, asked me how things were, etc. We took a walk together and he asked about Levi and his involvement with Adrian--I informed him of what's been going on. Rex was appalled...the look on his face was one of complete and utter disgust. He asked me if I'd like to have dinner with him that night and I agreed

We had dinner and a great time chatting, laughing and catching up. It was really great to be in adult company again! The next night he came over after Adrian went to sleep and we popped some popcorn, watched a movie and before I knew it, were were cuddling on the couch. It felt so weird to be that comfortable with a man who wasn't Levi. The next night he came over and spent the night. I really like Rex a lot. I know I'm nowhere near ready for a relationship. The one big question on my mind is: Is it wrong for me to be "seeing" one of Levis' close friends?