I don't think dating will ever be the same again. It seems impossible to not end up at least slightly jaded after going through the divorce "process." And it seems to me that that makes sense.

I loved Levi with all of my being. I was in such awe of him that it's astounding. I would have done anything and everything for him — and I did. We did everything together. We had big goals, dreams and ambitions; we worked together to achieve them.

So then, it is understandable that after watching those dreams all come crashing down, after understanding that your heart can literally feel broken, that after experiencing the most devastating feelings that one can possibly feel, that you wouldn't want to set yourself up for that again.

I feel sometimes that I am fast-forwarding my current relationship as it happens; like I am writing a book and in a sense, writing our ending. This helps me to feel in control. Being in control is my new comfort zone.

I really like this new guy a lot. I've dated him for three months, which, since Levi, is a new record for me.

Thing is, it doesn't feel like it did before. Only on a rare, fleeting occasion do I ever feel that giddy euphoria, "new love" feeling. Only on occasion do I feel like I'll even care if he leaves.

It's as if I suspect he will.

No matter how hard I try, I can not let my guard down. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to give someone the power to break my heart again. And maybe that's better. Maybe a heart can't be broken twice.

If there is one thing I have learned from this experience of divorce, it is how to disengage, or as I call it, 'The art of disengagement'.

More often than not separations and subsequent divorces are far less than civil and almost all of us have found ourselves totally losing it, at least once.

Personally, I've gone ballistic more times than I even care to admit. This experience is such an emotional roller coaster that the only thing I found comparable to it is pregnancy.

I mean really, one second I'd be all smiles; happy to be single, grateful to be starting over, etc. Then I'd be weepy; missing him and not knowing what I was going to do without him. Then I'd morph into uber bitch mode and scream, yell, and one time I even broke something.

It was an exhausting cycle: happy — sad — bitch.

I think they call that spinning in circles. I distinctively remember actually feeling dizzy; I remember consciously acknowledging this cycle as it was happening, but I couldn't figure out how to break it.

Then it hit me...about five minutes ago.

I'm not the only one going through this. HE's going through it too. Levi is engaged in his own vicious cycle, spinning his wheels, along with me.
I've realized that the longer I play along with him — and by play along I mean take his phone calls, deal with his family, read and / or respond to his e-mails — the longer he'll play along with me.

One of us has to end it and it looks like it's going to be me. As one of my dear friends just told me, "It's like playing a game of catch, if you put the ball down and stop playing, what's he going to do?"

They say the definition of insanity is to repeat the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Sometimes I wonder if dating is a form of insanity.

Think about it: We date, over and over again – perhaps falling into some form of love (I'm still working on defining the word) – and ultimately, at least thus far, it all falls apart, leaving us feeling empty, broken, despondent, depressed and longing for more.
 
We repeat this process over and over, each time expecting a different result.
 
Each time, we hope that this time it will be different. This time it will work out. This time I've found my prince charming.

My relationship with the new guy is going well, so well in fact that I find myself frightened. So well that I think I may purposely screw it up, just so that I can remain in control.
 
That's the scariest part of a relationship, I think: the feeling that you are out of control. If you fall in love with someone, you give them the power to hurt you.
 
I don't want to be hurt again.

I can't allow myself to be hurt again.

I know this.

I know how far I've come since Levi, and I marvel at it sometimes. I am good now. I am at peace now. I am content now.
 
What I don’t need right now is this giddy, makes-me-want-to-throw-up, happy, butterflies-in-my-stomach feeling.

This waking up next to someone, and reveling in it.
 
These dinners and conversations.
 
This falling in love.

I know he's it, my next big thing. Big heartache or big disappointment or big ... something.
 
It's like I'm on a roller coaster headed for a brick wall, I know I should jump off, but I'm having so much fun that I’ve decided to wait until the absolute last moment.
 
I do not need this right now, but, at the same time, I cannot stop it.

The date went well. Very well, in fact. He seems to be a nice, honest, sincere, smart, and fun guy. Note that I said, "seems to be," because up until now, I wasn't really sure that such an animal existed. I guess I'm still not too sure.

I will say that if I had met him before the “Levi Fiasco” I would have jumped right into this. I would have gone along with the giddy feeling. I would be gushing to all of my friends.

After Levi, I am much more guarded. Now, I can't really feel around all of the walls that I've put up. It's going to be hard, I think, to trust someone again.

I remember falling in love with Levi, and how much fun it was. How euphoric it all felt. How ready I was for it.

I think about it now, I talk to my friends about it now, and I know I'm not ready to do that again. What is "falling in love," anyway? I guess it’s the "falling" part that scares me. Generally speaking, falls are not good. Generally speaking, one hurts oneself in a fall. I know that I couldn't once again deal with the devastation that comes when you lose someone you love. As a result, I worry that I'll never feel the absolute euphoria of giddy, happy, love again.

So for now, I'm just going to take it easy: remain cautious but also try (and try, and try) to relax and enjoy myself. I'll let you know how it goes.

I have a date this weekend — a real date, with a seemingly normal person who is also my age. And it wasn’t just, “So what are you doing tonight?” He asked me out days in advance. I can't remember the last time I've been asked days in advance. I actually don't think I ever have! I am positively giddy.

I met him a few weeks ago, at a meeting. We were both standing outside the building and he just walked over and introduced himself. I was stunned that a rather attractive man was talking to me, so I fumbled and stumbled like an idiot for the entire conversation. I pretty much thought it was over right there. Then I ran into him again, the next day, at a picnic. This time, I only stumbled like an idiot for about an hour. The good thing is that we talked for four hours. The bad thing was that I left without getting his number, and without giving him mine. I felt like a dope. But I ran into him, again, at a Farmers Market. It was 8:30 in the morning. I had just fallen out of bed. I was lugging my son around. And I hadn't even had my coffee. I heard someone yelling my name from across the street. I turned around and there he was. We walked around the market together, had coffee, played with my son, and he even showed me where he lives. This time, I made sure to give him all of my numbers — home, cell, office — and my e-mail. Then I got to sit around and wait for him to call. It took a week, but he did.

The thing was, I was so insecure about it all. I really need to work on that. I know from my own experiences that insecurity is one quality, or rather flaw, that is totally unattractive.

So yes, I have a crush — haven't had one of those since high school! I'm so nervous and excited for our date on Saturday, I'll be sure to let you all know what happens.

My uncle and his girlfriend were married yesterday. They've been together for 16 plus years. I've already taken to calling his girlfriend my aunt. It's just easier that way.

I used to ask them years and years ago when they were going to get married. My uncle would always say something like, "Who needs to get married?" When the Levi disaster happened, I must admit that I started to feel the same way.

So you can only imagine my surprise when I opened up my e-mail yesterday, yes, my e-mail, to find a message from my uncle that said the following:

Faith,

Janice and I are getting married at 5 today at the house. We need you to come over and be a witness.

I thought that he was kidding so I called him. Nope, he was serious.

They were married at 5:00 p.m., in front of their house, underneath their cheery tree. It was only the two of them, the Justice of The Peace, Adrian, and me. Still, it was beautiful. It was perfect.

I realized yesterday how absolutely jaded I am now. How whenever someone tells me that they're getting married or I hear of someone getting married, my instant reaction is "Why!?" I think to myself, Why would you want to screw up a perfectly good relationship by going and getting married?

I also realize how silly that sounds.

Marriage is not the enemy, nor is it something to fear. Marriage is hard work, but can also be filled with happiness, love, and security.

These two are perfect for one another. The amount of time they've spent together thus far proves that. I don't know if it's possible but I hope that somehow in marriage, there bond can grow even stronger.

Congratulations, guys!

Sometimes I wonder if I still have feelings for Levi. There, I said it. I suppose this makes me even more human.

Intellectually, I'm sure that I don't. I know that I literally despise what he's done to my son, and I know that I do not have any respect for him, whatsoever, anymore.

But there are moments that I'll reminisce about things he and I did together, and I'll smile. But there are moments where I still miss him. But there are moments when we are SCREAMING at each other, where I'm like, wow. You can't scream at an ex you don't care about, right? You can't scream because you're indifferent, right?

I've had breakups in the past — one big one — and I recall going through these same motions; the pain and devastation, the crying, the name calling and yelling, and then the indifference, which carries you to where you can see each other on the street and stop to say hello.

I recall going through those motions, and I extract comfort from that from time to time in a this-to-shall-pass kind of way. Problem is, these motions went much faster the first time around.

And truthfully, it's really not even me. I mean, I get it that it takes two to tango, but I don't scream at Levi. I try not to engage in arguments with him. I try not to stoop to childish name calling. He, on the other hand, can not control himself. He is incapable of a civil conversation. I cannot understand it.

I have done nothing to warrant this behavior. I have done nothing to deserve his constant verbal abuse. Yet, it happens. Yet, he acts like he hates me.

I am reminded of the boy in grade school that used to pull my hair and make me cry. Later, he told me that he had a crush on me.

No, I don't have feelings for Levi. But maybe he still has them for me?

I dumped another boy today. We'd been seeing each other for about a month. A month seems to be the cut-off point for me now.

The reasons are different every time but ultimately boils down to the same thing over and over again: I have a son. I have a son that demands much of my time; being a parent requires much responsibility, being a single parent requires even more. I have a son that I will love more than any boyfriend, ever, period.

I always lay this out, in different words/ways, right from the start. The men always seem to get it, but for some reason that inevitable "wow" moment always happens upon us. For Art (the latest dumpee), that day was today.

Things have been going great. We've been having tons of fun, no issues, no drama, just straight-up fun. Last night was no exception. We went out, we had a blast. We made plans to do something today, as we both had the day off.

It turned out to be a beautiful day. One of those first spring days where you can't not go outside. He called in the morning as planned and we decided to take a hike. I suggested he meet me at my house, and said that I'd drive (I have the car seat in my car).

That's when he started to freak out. He started stammering and actually said at one point, "Oh God." To which I replied, "What?" "Nothing," he said, and stammered some more. Clearly this was not nothing, and I wasn't about to let it go.

Finally, after much prying, he said, "Well, it feels a little too familial, maybe you should just enjoy your day with Adrian and we'll meet up later." Ummmm, okay. He caught me totally off guard. I honestly had no idea where this was coming from and I started to get pissed off. I told him fine, said, "I'll do that" and muttered something like, "I'll call you later."

I went out for dinner with my cousin Ariel and my new step-sister, Terry. The three of us have never gotten together before, but we're all roughly the same age, and we had an absolute blast. We must do it again.

We had dinner at a restaurant that Ariel works at, which was great because she knew exactly what to order, and more important, what not to order. We each had a drink and it wasn't long before we were dishing about everything from boots to boys and laughing up a storm.

My cousin is in her first "real" relationship with a what sounds like a really great guy. They just moved in together and she seems really happy. I asked her how things were going, and she gave me what I call, "the look." You know, the look that says, not bad, not good, but rather, "eh." That look. So, I asked her, "What's up?"

She told us that she's completely in love with him, that she still misses him when they're apart, that they make each other laugh like crazy.

At this point, Terry and I exchanged looks that said "What the $%$ is her problem, then?"

She went on to say that being that it's her first real relationship, she scared that maybe she is settling and can do better. Oh, I remember feeling that way with my first boyfriend, too. Don't you?

Terry and I assured her that if she's in love with him, and they laugh and she still misses him when they're apart, that she should stay put.

The boyfriend-in-question then walked in and said, "Hey, this looks like an episode of Sex In The City," and we shut up.

A few others joined us, we went to another place for more drinks and more conversation. We stayed out much later than we should — or I stayed out much later than I should have.

Since things with my boyfriend took a turn toward serious, thoughts of my ex, Levi, have been invading my brain again. During the day, I can, and do, push them away.

When I'm sleeping, however, it's a whole different story. I keep having all of these weird dreams about him, and I don't know how to make them stop.

For instance, last night I had a dream that I was in a ramshackle cabin with my boyfriend, Aaron. The place was filthy, I mean really, really gross; there were rats all over the place, food everywhere, etc. Aaron and I are lying in bed, and he announces that he is going to go to the kitchen to make tea.

Aaron leaves the room and moments later, Levi walks in and climbs in bed with me. Levi looked like himself, but something about him felt off — he felt hollow, if that makes any sense.

Anyway, he gets in bed with me, and I'm happy that he's there and we kiss. Then, Aaron walks in and is obviously upset, Levi asks him to leave, and he does.

As soon as Aaron leaves, Levi gets out of bed and looks at me with a very satisfied look and tells me he'll be right back. He never comes back, and I am left there in this dark, dirty, disgusting cabin, all alone feeling hollow and empty.

I woke up with the same feeling.

What does this mean? What is going on here? I thought I was over this, and now suddenly I feel like I miss Levi?!

I felt like this is what I wanted with Aaron — I felt like I wanted a real relationship again. Now I'm not so sure. Suddenly I feel suffocated, like I can't breathe. I feel like I never get a moment to myself, I feel like I need to be alone for quite some time.

And I feel really sad, too, because Aaron is truly a great guy, and I wish with all my heart that I was ready for him.