Getting Back in the Dating Game

Posted to Resource Articles by Maureen Dempsey on Fri, 01/16/2009 - 11:33am

Ready to get back on the scene? Or still hiding under the covers? No matter what your stage, Dr. Diana Kirschner can help. A psychologist and relationships expert with more than 25 years experience, Dr. Kirschner has counseled thousands of women and advised them on the path to new love. Here, she offers tips to smart singledom.

Q. How does a woman who has undergone a breakup or divorce know that she's ready to begin dating again?

A. There has to be some sense that she is complete with the past, with her ex, and ready to move on. It varies from woman to woman as to how and when this occurs. There is a letting go process that has begun — sometimes she first realizes it when some new guy flirts with her and catches her eye. Sometimes she moves forward out of a burst of anger, coupled with enough-is-enough thoughts about dwelling in the past. For other women, it is just a matter of having a sense of understanding, answers to her questions about all the different things that came down during the breakup.

Whatever way it happens, shepherd it along, because the sooner you put your attention on new possibilities, the sooner you begin to release the stranglehold of past hurts.

Q. Women who have experienced a failed relationship may think they aren't good/skilled at choosing a mate. How can they zero in on the right man for them?

A. I recommend what I call the Dating Program of Three — casually dating three guys at once (with no sex with any of them). This is an easy way to enter the world of dating and men. Take on the attitude of an anthropologist — examine these guys with an eye to what really works for you and what doesn't.

Q. Is there any way to prepare yourself emotionally and mentally for a new relationship?

A. Yes. Practice self-reflection on what it was that you did that contributed to the breakup of your last relationship. (It always take two!) If you understand your own sabotaging patterns you are less likely to repeat them. Work on building your own self-esteem through growth courses, meditation, an exercise program, and building a positive, loving supportive group of friends.

Q. Hindsight is 20/20. What are your thoughts on revisiting romantic possibilities with exes?

A. If he is truly remorseful about what he did wrong in the relationship, willing to be in individual and/or couples therapy and work on himself and make things up to you, consider giving him another chance.

Q. Many women feel insecure getting back on the dating after divorce. Any words of wisdom to boost confidence before that first night out?

A. Get a fabulous makeover — go to a high-end department store and have your makeup done for free. Buy some trendy outfits at a cool department store that doesn't cost an arm and a leg (Target, H & M, etc). Take along your good friends to help you. Bring out your fabulous beauty and character so that you feel like you look amazing!

Psychologist Dr. Diana Kirschner has appeared on Oprah and is a frequent guest on The Today Show. Her acclaimed new book is Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love. For her etips, blog, dating articles, daily affirmations, and discussion forum, visit lovein90days.com.

How to Have a Good Post-Divorce Date — a video interview with dating expert, Andrea Syrtash

What To Wear On The First Date — The Second Time Around — a video interview with fashion stylist, Sharon Haver

Comments

I think the most important

Submitted by Mandy (not verified) on Tue, 07/19/2011 - 7:24pm.

I think the most important thing I've learned is to have a full understanding of who you are and what you want out of your life before you even try to get into another relationship! I think people nowadays are so obsessed with wanting someone in their life that they completely neglect the fact that particular person may not be right for them...I met my boyfriend Steven about 7 months ago after going through a few different dating services and we've been really happy so far. I had gotten out of a five year relationship just two months before Steven and I met and I knew I wasn't ready to move on. I told him I wanted to take things slow (so nothing physical) for at least a couple months. I spent that time picking up old hobbies like running in the mornings and reading. I think that's part of the reason why we're so good together. He liked the fact that I had my own life without him, that I wasn't about to jump right into another relationship solely based on the fear of being alone. I think the most important thing is to be yourself. As Tanay said, spend this time doing the things you couldn't do when you were married. Start focusing on your own goals and everything else will fall into place with time :)

Dating after Divorce

Submitted by Tanay Kumar Das -Dating Tips After Divorce (not verified) on Thu, 12/31/2009 - 10:14am.

Being a part of a couple for a while will certainly take some of your individuality away. Take advantage of this time after your divorce to find that individuality again. Learn new hobbies, find old friends, and treat yourself with respect. One of the most popular ways to stay in touch with friends is through social networking sites. With many sites, not only can you keep up with friends you see every day, but you can also follow those who live further away. If you were married for more than a handful of years, dating is much different than it was when you were doing it before. You’ve prepared yourself, made connections, and have figured out how to find a date. Now it’s time to actually go out. Follow these suggestions to make sure your first dating experiences go well and you enjoy yourself. # Don’t talk about the divorce. Especially if you just finalized the divorce or it was particularly messy, the temptation to talk about the details will be strong. Resist the temptation and focus on the person across the table from you instead. # Keep child-talk to a minimum. If you have children, don’t spend the whole date talking about them. Keep to a maximum of about five minutes, then move on to something else. # Show interest. You have accepted or asked someone on a date, so spend that time finding out about them. Try not to compare them to your ex, but find out what makes them unique and fun to know. # Don’t go too fast. The unexpected loneliness of divorce or the desire to fill a gap left empty by your ex may drive you to want to remarry right away. Instead, slow down and enjoy the chance you have to enjoy meeting others or reconnecting with your interests. # Relax. Leave your insecurities about being out of the dating scene at home. Have fun, enjoy your date, and you will find that your date will appreciate you for just being yourself. # Be accepting. Know that your date has also lived a full life that may not be exactly what you expect. Be accepting of the fact that your date may have commitments to children, debt from divorce, or any other number of factors that you might not have anticipated.

Getting Back in the Dating Game

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