Does Mother Know Best When it Comes to Mr. Right?

Does Mother Know Best When it Comes to Mr. Right?

Conflicts between parents and their children about the choice of a partner is a tried-and-tested literary device — from Mrs. Bennett’s lamentations about Elizabeth’s refusal to accept Mr. Collins’ proposal to Bridget Jones' indignation at her mother's attempts at matchmaking.

Now it seems we learn the reason why: genetics.

The Washington Post recently ran the results of a couple of studies examining the potential conflict between parents and their offspring about their child’s choice of spouse.

Young Americans told the survey that they are attracted by physical and intellectual qualities in a potential mate but said their parents would object to a partner who was of different ethnicity, poor or lacked a ‘good’ family background. Dutch and Kurdish students gave similar answers putting attractiveness first, whereas their parents uniformly paid more attention to their potential spouses’ social background or group affiliation such as race, religion or social class.

Those who ran the survey, Buunk, Park and Dubbs at the University of Groningen, published their findings in the Review of General Psychology. What they found was that young people seek attractive and intelligent partners that will carry ‘good’ genes to pass on to their offspring, whereas parents are more interested in their children finding a welcome addition to the family - and a good all round team player.

Being a bit of a stereotypical Jewish mother - and according to just about everyone who knows me terrifying to any girlfriend my son would ever dare bring home - I read this article with great interest!

Thinking back to the days when I was single, I do remember my parents asking me what was wrong with Mr. X or Mr. Y or Mr. Z. They would feel they fitted the bill for me: well off, established, from the “right” background, their headstrong daughter however, was much more interested in the great looking sexier students at University, none of whom received parental approval! And as far as I was concerned, I would have much rather remained single than married simply because the man concerned socio/economically “fit the bill” and that my parents therefore approved of him.

And yet, many people in many cultures and religions are happy to enter voluntarily into arranged marriages where they agree for their parents or relative or some other third party, to choose a prospective spouse for them. Sexual attraction plays no part in this process neither does actual - as opposed to theoretical - compatibility. In some cultures, that is all there is to it, and there is even little or no contact before the wedding. In others, there is, and if the couple is not interested in each other, then that is the end of it. But their parents continue to plan for them, choosing a prospective spouse, and the children accept it as part of the norm.

Many people will regard this practice as wholly unacceptable, others as common sense and practical and they argue that love comes afterwards.

Cited in the Washington Post article, Stephanie Coontz author of Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage, argues that the researchers did not draw sufficient distinction between love and marriage. Evolution may play a big role in reproductive drive she says, but it would be a mistake to argue that marriage has been primarily about either love or reproduction.

I think Coontz has a strong argument about marriage as an institution, confirming as she does that until very recently, American men were looking for “good housekeepers” as wives, and women were looking for “industrious” husbands. In fact, I would go further. I think some people still are, and when it comes to marriage, instead of reproduction, other factors such as these, for some people come into play. But I believe, not as in great numbers as before. Perhaps that is one reason why marriages tend to break down more readily. Too many couples marry because of evolutionary factors ie sexual attraction but not for more solid, socio economic reasons and thus marriage as an institution breaks down.

As women have been able to control their fertility, go out to work, fend for themselves, things have changed. They no longer regard the institution of marriage as inviolate in the way their parents did. As I mention above, I had no desperate desire to marry for the sake of getting married. I was able to maintain myself, I had no “need” to be a “kept” woman and never have been, and no need or desire whatsoever to be simply a housewife. I didn’t feel the need to procreate and raise a family. It was not a burning ambition, unlike the vast majority of my peers at the time who chose to marry young. Most of their marriages have worked, but I would argue that is because socio/economic factors were much more at play at that time.

I think today the difference between reproductive drive and marriage is even more startling. The average age of marriage in the West has risen to late 20’s/early 30’s, the average age at which couples are starting families within marriage has risen and importantly, the numbers of couples getting married has reduced. Yet conversely, many women are having children outside marriage, at younger ages. My belief is that more people are making the decision to have children by a partner who they feel fulfils the evolutionary need but not the socio/economic need - while those who do make the shift into marriage are taking their time to decide and find the right one.

When I finally married, I did so to someone who first and foremost, I thought was great looking, bright, successful and strong in himself and so could cope with me. But what shocked my parents was he also ticked the right boxes for them too. They couldn’t believe it of me! As my father said as he walked me down the aisle “Marilyn, there must be something wrong with him that we won’t like, but I don’t know what!!!” Twenty six years on, my dad is still looking.

I think there never was a difference between my parents and me about who I would choose to marry - but, just like Elizabeth, I had the patience to wait for my Mr Darcy to come along.

Nicknamed "The Barracuda" for her tenacity, Marilyn Stowe is one of the UK’s most sought after divorce lawyers, and is the senior partner at Stowe Family Law.