A Blended Family Graduation

A Blended Family Graduation

How to avoid blended family chaos and crabbiness

Sometimes it's really hard being an adult. Or rather a mature adult. There are always parts of ourselves that want to act like a child and tell the ex off. But we can't do that because we love our children. And he is part of them whether we like it or not.

On milestone events, this problem is magnified. But you have to be focused and find a solution that creates peace vs. war.

Your instructions are: plan, plan, plan. Sit down with your ex prior to the graduation and agree that the important thing here is that this is a happy day for your child. And work out in advance how close the relationship is between your child and his stepmother, her parents, her siblings, even her friends. It's hard to accept that on those days when Colton isn't in your house, he has an entire world of relationships you might not know about. You therefore must find a way of asking your child which people he would like to be there. Getting tickets is another matter.

Tickets are often limited. If there are only two tickets, it makes sense that the biological parents attend, and act in concert during the ceremony. No cold shoulders, dismissive shrugs, no eye rolling. This is a day that is important to both of you. Act like it.

As for the rest of the family (and that means all those people you might not have met, on his stepmother's side), they should be entrusted with planning and executing the graduation party. Siblings might not even get tickets for the graduation, and will have to mark their time at the party house. Make it clear to them that they are not expected to be part of the diplomatic corps. But that you do have certain standards you expect of them on this day. And then spell those out.

What's important is that you and your ex co-parent and plan for the unexpected: school friends turning up at the door, romantic entanglements being worked out (and the possibility of tears), the risk of under-age drinking, etc. Have the grace to come together, if only for a short time, on this day. And make sure ahead of time that your ex's new wife accepts your partnering with your ex on this one day. There is no reason for her to be upset. She'll have him all the rest of the time.

Ideally each parent, each set of grandparents, each step grandparent, will give gifts of similar value. This is not the time for biological Grandpa Rick to hand over a trust fund. That can be done another day, and not "in the face" of the stepfamily (and possibly stepsiblings).

As I wrote in my book, "The Rules," having some diminishes heartache and actually creates opportunities for heartfelt moments that all can enjoy.

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