One of the biggest myths of all is that divorcees and single mothers are seen as heroes. They've survived trials and tribulations, they took a stand, and they're making it on their own.
Heroes? In my book, yes. In the public eye? Oh, no, not at all, I'm afraid.
Divorcees are quickly perceived as women on the prowl. They're cougars. They're predators. They have no man, therefore, they must be on the hunt for one. And if they're not? Then they must be depressed, suicidal wash-ups barely hanging on.
Single mothers? Valiant crusaders raising children? I'm afraid not. Single mothers are usually pinned as bad mothers, because who in their right mind would rip children away from their fathers and feed kids Kraft Dinner when child support payments weren't forthcoming?
Well, I'll tell you who's in their right mind. Divorcees and single mothers, that's who.
These women have gone through life experiences that are challenges to their very self-worth and integrity. These women fight hard and fight back, sometimes even against themselves as they try to figure it all out.
Take a look at this picture. Some people would see a woman in cheery red celebrating with a sparkler. Me? I see a divorcee looking at a lit stick of dynamite. I mean, really, how else would one celebrate the holidays when you have to deal with your Ex, your Ex's Next, your Ex's family, your own family, your family that you never talk to, and your kids who think you are losing your mind?
Bruised Egos
In my little world, I get to deal with Pam [name changed to protect the guilty]. This woman is a little piece of heaven. I mean she's blonde, had her nose, eyes, and boobs done as well as a tummy tuck [cause they were doing the chest anyway] and has declared me her enemy. She also told me in blunt terms that she thought I had no honor. Because I was forced to report her son for theft.
This little ray of love sent me an email over the Veteran's day holiday thanking me for my military service. I'll let you decide on the amount of irony that little email put in my perverse little heart.
I like the holidays. I know that to declare this is a little like admitting to a room full of academics that I am fond of musicals or romantic comedies. I can see their erudite expressions and feel the disdain: Bosh!
But I don’t care if the holidays are a weird futuristic, science-fictiony blend of religion and materialism that have grown together into some kind of half-good half-evil plant with blossoms and teeth and healing powers, too. I like them. In the throng of activity (or energy) there is also humanity, beauty, and a spirit that lifts me.
The bell-ringer for the Salvation Army tells me that someone dropped a hundred dollars into his bucket the other night. “It all adds up,” he says. The grocery stores are collecting meals and filling bags of food to give away, the schools collecting coats, boots, and toys. My son, Ari and I are putting together puzzles to make sure all the pieces are there before we add them to our pile of gently used toys to drive to the school.
I don't have kids, I have pets. And they became another kind of shattered family after my split with Edgar. I thought getting him out of the house was the hard part. But after he was gone, I saw he was right.
I wasn't making enough money to take care of the house and the dogs, cats, birds and fish. I never said anything to him about alimony, but I did ask him for animal support. After all, it was Ed who had brought most of them home.
He said he thought he might be able to kick in something, if he could be sure it would be used for critter care.
I changed the locks the day he was supposed to be out. But he broke in one afternoon and left $30 on the table.
That's been the extent of it, unless you count his telling me to try not to let any of the animals die.
What a sweetheart.
Halfheartedly, I asked around to see if anybody wanted any of my critters. I had hoped to keep them all, but when the filter broke on the fish tank, I got desperate.
I know as human beings we shouldn't be looking for revenge. But in early recovery of divorce revenge and having your EX feel your pain is a major want.
I understand the trust issue. I have trust issues and I felt that I would never have a man walk into my live and give my whole heart. Through reading, attending a support divorce group and therapy, I learned that we cannot control others, while only ourselves. You will become strong enough to trust YOURSELF. When you trust yourself you'll know when the right person is there for you and you will trust that your relationship is strong. But you still can't control what others do.
This is such a process. Although the pain of my early journey in this divorce process I wouldn't wish on anyone. It did make me stronger. Yes I didn't want the strength at first. I wanted my home, family intact. That was not so, so I had to re-learn everything in my life again.
One of the toughest transitions for children is often coping with the first holiday season. Our challenge as parents is to create new traditions and activities that can replace the memories of family holidays in the past. Here are some suggestions on how to help your children through the holiday season in the best possible spirits.
• Show compassion:
Talk to your children about the holidays. Listen, rather than lecture, and let them vent about their feelings, regrets and frustrations.Acknowledge what they are expressing to you and be understanding. Be aware that some children will hold their feelings in so as not to protect you. Reassure them that it’s okay to talk about their sadness as well as apprehension about what they will experience this year.
Remind your children that what they are feeling is natural and normal. Be there for them with reassurance and hugs. Also let them know that some activities will still be part of their holiday celebrations so they understand that much of life continues in the same way, despite divorce.
A new support group to help women (or men) whose young adult children have minimized contact with them (or disconnected completely) after having had a very good relationship with you (the custodial parent) and then moving to the other parent's after friction developed at home.
How much do you pursue contact? How much outright rejection do you take without speaking up about being hurt?
Do you just wait it out and give them "space?" Do you encourage their expressing all their pent-up anger at you for the divorce, even tho' you did not initiate it?
Is there anyone else out there who is trying to decide how much to "push" for contact with a young adult child who, after leaving to live with father nearby, refuses to speak with you after living with you for the 3 years just following the Ex's walkout for another woman?
