Rebuilding Relationships Between The Custodial Parent And Young Adult Children

Speaking from personal experience, it depends on your family history. If your ex spouse went to war to destroy you before, during and after the divorce, then your child going to live with such a person can only mean, this is the ex spouse's way of continuing to hurt you. It has more to do with getting the child/children on their side and leaving the other parent out in the cold. Very rarely can such a person provide a constructive parenting structure for your young adult child/children. They will let the child/children get away with all sorts because that is the only way they can offer an alternative to the boundaries and responsibilities you are trying to teach your young adult child to prepare them for becoming a capable and responsible member of society. In such a case as this one, don't push or force your way into their lives but be sure your child knows, you will always love them and you will always be there for them if they need you. Stay present in your child's life by leaving supportive messages where you are not showing you are hurt they chose to go live with the other parent. Your child needs to know that you respect their right to choose to live with the other parent and their right to develop a relationship with the other parent. Share happy and light information about your life and always end with I love you. Don't beg or plead for a meet up or a visit. Your child knows where you live and will come to see you when they are ready. Sometimes our children have to live it to learn it and telling them something is not a good idea won't stop them from trying it. If your child/children become abusive towards you when you have contact with them, make it clear you will not tolerate being disrespected or abused by them or anyone else, for that matter. Sometimes our children get sucked into seeing us and treating us the same way they have seen their other parent behave towards us. Draw some boundaries and stick to them. Being there for your child does not mean you have to put up with your child becoming your ex's mouthpiece. If direct communication such as, telephone calls, leads to hurtful things being said or are being intercepted by the ex, then find other avenues to communicate. Social networking media provides all sorts of ways to stay in touch. If you have supportive and loving extended family who have had a close relationship with your child, it is good for your child to know, to receive loving and supportive messages from them as well. The fear of having to face the criticism of the extended family of the abandoned parent can often leave a young adult child locked into the choice they have made. Stubborness and pride weigh heavily on the mind of a young person who has made a decision they later regret. Knowing everyone is ok with them can help with the reconciliation. Use the time your child is away from you to work on you. There are plenty of books to help parents with letting their children make their own choices and growing from the experience. Find other avenues to channel your energies and to take the focus off your longing and hurt. A busy life and life well lived can do wonders for your healing. Sometimes you may be in too much pain to cope with things on your own and in your own time. Find a therapist and a support group for parents who are estranged from their children. Use this form of support to work through the old and current hurt in your life. It is never too late to address some of the pain caused by the divorce and how this has affected you and your absent child/children. Even our own family history can have a lot to do with the way we handle our relationships with our child/children and the ex spouse. These situations can take time to come right so be ready for slow and gradual progress mixed in with some setbacks. The good thing is our children do grow up and hopefully the years of loving and nurturing them will count for something at some point in their adult lives. Hang in there.