The following community-created discussion threads have been organized by various topics relevant to navigating divorce to help you find advice and support, and connect more easily with others going through similiar issues or challenges of divorce (display names and avatars are not used here for privacy sake).
Smart. Knowledgeable. A ‘no bullshit’ kind of woman. This is the kind of girlfriend / e-friend I think every divorcing woman needs to have in her corner during her divorce.
I’m not saying it’s the only kind of friend we need. There are those whose shoulders we cry on, those who provide spiritual insight, those who make us laugh, and so on.
But divorce oftentimes requires us to be stronger and smarter than we think we are. Some matters even require us to be tough. And depending on where you’re coming from, in terms of both your marriage AND your life experiences, your tendency (and character) may be to put everyone else’s needs before your own, let fear and worry keep you stuck, and let good intentions and lots of prayers alone decide your destiny. THAT’S where the support of a smart, knowledgeable, no-bullshit girlfriend comes in.
Ever since President Obama's 2009 "beer summit", there's been a lot of talk of "teachable moments". And while divorce is far from a "moment" — it's more like what Hollywood types would call a "sprawling epic" — we can't help but wonder: Is there any life event that is more of a "teachable moment" than divorce?
Think about it. There is so much to be learned through the process of divorce (both about yourself and the world around you), and equally as much that can be taught to others. Just as Oprah's childhood struggles enabled her to help millions of others to overcome their demons and get on the right track, a woman who has gone through divorce has the ability to help countless other women when they find themselves navigating treacherous waters.
When I read these blog posts and when I listen to my friends and when I hear stories about, well, anyone, wrestling with the divorce question, 9 times out of 10 my answer is "end it." Mostly I keep that to myself.
If I’m jaded, I’m jaded. I see no benefit in prolonging relationships which aren’t healthy or that bring more suffering than they alleviate. So we stay together because that is our tradition – marriage for life – and we believe a broken commitment is failure. For better or for worse.
Most of us meet young and marry before we are 30, we don’t know ourselves. And then we grow and change and, thank the gods, we are not the same two people who flirted and dreamed and swore till death do we part.
I look at my parents. Most of my life they haven’t even seemed to like each other. 50+ years of marriage. In moments their love is obvious, visible even in the constant ways they peck and pick at each other.
Did you know that women use 20,000 words a day while men only use 7,000?
March is Women’s History Month. I still don’t understand why it isn’t women’s herstory month, but I’m doing everything I can to change that. Language is very important, as we 20,000-a-day women know. It’s the only tool we have to claim our power short of shouting. That’s why we tell our kids to “Use your words!”
Meanwhile, I’ll just keep ranting. According to the national women’s history project, before 1970, women's history was rarely the subject of serious study.
As historian Mary Beth Norton recalls, "only one or two scholars would have identified themselves as women's historians, and no formal doctoral training in the subject was available anywhere in the country." Since then, the landscape has changed dramatically. Today almost every college offers women's history courses and most major graduate programs offer doctoral degrees in the field.
Standing on the podium at the National Arts and Club with a microphone in hand, I stumbled, trying to remember Susan B. Anthony’s famous words, "Failure is impossible." What came out instead was, “Never give up.”
Other Susan B. Anthony Award recipients took turns giving speeches and receiving their awards. I’ve never really been one for giving or getting prizes, but as I write this, the night after the Oscars and almost a week after the NOW-NYC gathering, I realize how important it is to be recognized by your peers.
My plaque sits on the piano, and somehow makes tangible all the hours, days and years I’ve spent speaking with women. Listening to their struggles and brainstorming ways to make marriages, divorces, careers, families, and personal passions less of a struggle and more of a joy.
Empowering women to find their voice is what really gets me going, and I honestly believe the breakdown of American marriage is one of the more obvious signposts for how much work American women still have to do to change limiting behavior in their personal lives and homes.
How have you been? Is that a new haircut? You look good. I like those shoes. So, what’s going on with you?
Me? Yeah, sorry – kind of disappeared there. I know, I know, I should have left a message. Checked in. Something. I know, people worry. Feelings get hurt. Sorry about that.
Luckily – for those who feel some investment – my return means you’re in for a blow by blow of the last couple of months, complete with introspection, pondering, rhetorical questions, and (undoubtedly) overanalysis.
It’s been a bit of a time. The major highlights, to be discussed at length in the coming weeks:
My divorce is final (Huzzah!) as of December 29th, 2008 – a mere, oh, two years after starting the process.
Wait, wait – two years? Wasn’t this supposed to be a fairly straightforward process, what with the two of us having no kids, no property, no real disagreement?
Why, yes. And this brings us to the land of How Do You Know If Your Lawyer Is Screwing You, in a metaphorical and non-delightful way.
