Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It’s all about family and friends getting together, seeing how many times in one day we can eat ourselves to the bursting point and how many naps we can take. There are no gifts to give, comfortable clothing is de rigueur and if you want to take your life in your hands, Black Friday comes fast on the heels of Turkey Thursday, and the shop-till-you-drop marathon that begins at 4:00 in the morning (if you’re truly dedicated) will leave you exhausted and good for nothing but eating leftovers and taking more naps. Thanksgiving is a day we like to proclaim how thankful we are for what we have. But what about the things we are thankful we don’t have?
It’s tough when your ex moves out. But tougher still, is when he only moves across town when you were hoping he’d relocate to another state or at the very least another county. What this ultimately means is that you have a 50% chance of running in to him at any given moment. And the odds only increase the closer you inch towards his zip code.
My ex’s new neighborhood happens to boast several of my favorite haunts, such as a wine bar/art gallery I adore as well as a coffee shop and the best little one-of-a-kind clothing boutique in the city. Unfortunately that means I’ve had to wean myself off that part of town entirely, even though it pains me to do so. The thought of an awkward chance encounter with him, let alone the real deal, sends me into a fit of apoplectic shock and avoiding the area altogether seems like a worthy trade-off in the scheme of things. But I do dearly miss shopping at that little boutique.
There were many reasons to feel sad when I finally made the decision to divorce my husband. Of course, angry and bitter outclassed sad, pound for pound, truth be told, but it was still there lurking in the shadows and from time to time it would hit me, like a bolt from the blue. For me, sad vs. angry and bitter was the emotional equivalent of a welterweight dancing around the ring with a heavyweight and although it wasn’t the norm, once in a while sad would do some fancy footwork and get a punch in, making itself known. At those times, I would have to consider that emotion and give it its due, although I would have preferred to ignore it altogether because it was just easier that way; it kept me from lingering when all I wanted to do was move forward.
A common delima that arises within divorce is when one of the separating party prefers to keep the house for the sake of the children. While this may seem like a good idea at first, it can possibly often come with some unexpected results and ultimately end up not be the most economically feasible choice for you.
So, I'd like to present a way to help you determin what you can afford, so you can make a more informed decision about staying in the house. The following is assuming you and your STBX (soon to be ex) cannot come to an agreement.
First, have an honest talk with yourself. Can you afford it? Write a list of expenses:
I’m lonely tonight and I miss him. Well, not him exactly. It’s more like I miss the thought of him. The good him, the man I married with my heart a-flutter. The man who always made me feel safe, until he didn’t and it all went south with us. But still… I am lonely. And tired.
There is so much to do around this 100 year-old house we bought together. We both thought that restoring it would save our floundering marriage, kind of the same impulse people have when they think that having a baby will bring them back to the loving place, but without the diapers and midnight feedings.
Since when does loving someone mean living together with him 24/7? Since when do deep feelings and emotions between two people mean that you're built to cohabitate and function well under the same roof?
Since never, if you ask me.
There's a new trend for looking at relationships and marriages in a different light. It's called Living Apart, Together (or LAT for short). LAT couples recognize that they just aren't built to live together — but they still have feelings for each other. They live in their own homes, apart, but share time and love as a couple.
Sound strange? Not at all. It makes perfect sense, if you think about it. Just because you have feelings for someone else doesn't mean you enjoy that he can't operate a dishwasher or pick up after himself. He may love your spirit and smile but may be completely irritated with the way you handle your finances or your friends.
Lately, I'd lost my feeling of being settled and getting into the groove. I felt disjointed, tired, and fed up over my situation.
My mortgage application is still pending approval, and I'm tired and stressed over it. So close, and so far... yet I received some unexpected encouragement.
"You really should congratulate yourself no matter what happens," the bank manager said. I was confused. Congratulate myself on barely qualifying for a mortgage?
"You've come a long way in two years," she went on. "You left your husband. You had to grieve. You were alone with two kids, and you found a place. You built a successful business by yourself."
"Look at you," the woman stressed. "You're back on your feet and doing fine. If it's not this house, it'll be another. You're almost there, and you're on the path back to a healthy life. So congratulate yourself."
